The Next Step

[Raggamuffin]

My partner ended the relationship yesterday. She seemed down, and when I spoke to her, she wasn't forthcoming. I asked if it was us and she nodded. I asked what needed to change and she told me that we'd already tried. She then told me it just feels like we're friends or housemates. The more she spoke, the more I felt the stress and worry take over my mind and body.

Whilst it was an intense shock, I suppose I'd seen it coming in numerous ways that had remained unspoken for a long time. Thankfully we calmly came up with a rough plan for the next few weeks. We own a house together, so we'll need to hire a storage crate and we'll hire a van for a day. Get some of her friends over to get stuff in the storage container. Thankfully both the storage and van rental places are in this small town. Once the house sale goes through, we can work out the next steps in terms of moving out properly.

We need to do some touch up decorations and also get a plasterer to do a couple of small jobs. We'll get the house looking nicer and put it on the market. Her friends who offered to help with moving stuff into storage also offered to help us with the house decorating and prep before we put it up for sale. We agreed it's best to live here together until the house sells. There isn't any animosity, and I don't forsee there being bickering or pettiness here. At the end of the day a break up is hard enough, and as she said - it's like we're friends. So we need to help and support each other through this as friends would do.

I asked if she would keep the cat. It's probably what's been weighing on my mind the most. I feel guilty for asking, and yet she said "yes." But in my mind a yes can quickly be turned into a no. I know they're closer than I am, and my emotions can be so erratic that I often make the cat skittish. I worry if she'll find a place to rent where she can keep the cat. I worry if the cat will be safe, or if she'll struggle so much to find somewhere that she'll have to give the cat up for adoption. It has me worried sick - it's the only part of all this that feels unfair. Might seem over the top to compare it to a child, but it feels like that will cause me the most upset.

Since she told me last night I've felt very queasy. I didn't throw up, thankfully. I managed to get to sleep ok, but I woke up at 5am. As soon as I woke up I remembered what happened. Shortly after my stomach began to turn again. Stress has affected me physically for nearly a decade - and news such as this is doing a number on me. Feeling shaky and off kilter. Hungry, but whenever I eat I struggle to keep it down. I know things will improve, but right now I feel very rough. Ready to cry - but holding it together. I think when she goes to work today I might have/need an emotional release. I feel bad doing this around the cat though. I think she picks up on mood. She seems so innocent and unware in all of this - and I feel guilty for this having happened.

I understand what she said - about us just feeling like friends. We've been together for 5 years, and in that time - the lack of intimacy was always a big issue for us. I became more and more down that her sex drive didn't match mine. Being turned down hundreds of times when you try and work up to making love. I turned that rejection inwards time and time again. It fuelled my inner critic, which in turn fuelled my outer critic. It got to a point where there was no sense of romance, and sex often lacked much foreplay or build up - because I was so used to being told "no." I'd always been used to sex 4 or 5 times a month, but with us it ended up being 5-10 times a year.

It didn't help that with the lack of sex, my interest in romance or intimacy was virtually erradicated. I also became very sarcastic about her lack of sex drive, which of course made her feel even more guilty. All in all, I see how moving on is for the best. You can't keep a relationship going if only 1 person is happy. In truth, my inner and outer critic destabilise my sense of happiness and contentment on a daily basis. So much so, that I'd attempted to break up with her twice before in the early months of our relationship, but turned it around within hours after coming to my senses and realising I'd let rational thought become clouded and cast aside by paranoia.

So what now? Once the house sells we should have a minimum of £10,000 each from the equity on the house. This isn't enough to get a deposit on anywhere, unless you went with Shared Ownership - and that's not without it's pitfalls and risks, which I wouldn't be willing to take.

Renting feels like wasted money - and whilst a house share would be extremely affordable, I'm not sure how well I'd adapt of cope with that. Moving in with strangers, knowing I'm a very particular person. I've run through all sorts of terrifying "what if's" in my head with regards to renting and flat mates.

What if they're not nice?
What if they're loud?
What if they're social and throw parties etc.
What if they take drugs?
What if they drink lots?
What if they go into my room and go through my stuff?
What if they're criminals?
What if they turn violent?
What if they're paedophiles?

As you can see, things took a turn for the worst. My inner critic has run rampant since yesterday evening.

The other thought was moving back home. This is far from ideal for me or my parents. It would enable me to save money very quickly and work out my next move. I'm calling them today to talk things over and work out my next step.

I can't shake the worries about the cat though. I also worry about Kristy finding somewhere suitable and affordable and pet friendly.

It's a time where I need to try and be calm around all the unknowns, and focus on what I can affect. One things for sure - I'm glad I'll be seeing my therapist for the first time in over a year next Monday. Originally I'd intended to talk with her about the book I've been reading about Complex PTSD, and trying to unravel, grieve and come to terms with childhood traumas.

This is another reason why I'm quite nervous at the prospect of returning home. It's not that they were abusive - they were just very emotionally distant and it seems to have affected me and my brother greatly. We became just as withdrawn as they were towards us. As adults they seem more needy of our company and attention - it's a strange reversal.

My head's swimming at this point. At least I know we have a rough plan of things to get done over the next few weeks. I suppose once things start rolling, there might be some comfort to be had. Honestly though, I don't think I will feel calm until I know Kristy has found somewhere suitable to live with our cat. Until then, I think I'm going to be struggling to quell the vigor and paranoia of my inner critic.

It's a shame what I considered a good thing is coming to an end. It feels like a backwards step - going from home owner and a relationship to single and moving back home, or renting. There are worries about relapses, but I don't have the inner voices prompting me to purge through substances. I need and want to keep a clear head in all of this. I'm just unsettled by what the future holds.

The idea of loneliness is hitting home hardest. I have no friends at work and asides from a couple of acquaintances in the town I live - I'm completely alone here. Those I'm closest to asides from Kristy are people who I speak to online, and all but a few ex-work colleagues are people I've never actually met.

This fear of loneliness unnerves me a lot, and if I moved into somewhere on my own, I think my mental health would plummet. Just before I met Kristy I was unemployed for a year. I spent most of my time on my own and drinking heavily and utterly lost in my thoughts and worries. My stress levels and inner critic were so bad I was agoraphobic and had frequent panic attacks whenever I left the house.

Obviously we contanstly learn and (hopefully) improve. I don't think I'd regress as much as I sometimes fear, if at all. I'm just rather shaken up, and I need to keep busy to help steady my nerves.

Ed

 

[Major Tom]

I'm very sorry to hear Ed. Keep strong.

 

[unperson]

Had similar sick feeling when I recently realised I've got to sell and move, this area, this street, it's not gonna work. The initial shock is the worst I think, starting to abate.

 

[Thinx]

This is tough for you, sorry to hear you are going through this. Are you sure you want her to have the cat? You sound fond of it. You made a plan really fast, but sounds like you're in shock. It does sound like the relationship stalled a bit, and the two of you didn't take much action, like getting help? Counselling or sex therapy, for example? I'm just pointing that out because it might be useful to think about in any future situation, as relationship issues can't usually be ignored.

Do you think your parents may have autism? It's quite hereditable and they sound like they fit that, maybe? But with a background of distance you may need to work on relationships with help, if you get in difficulties. It sounds like you grew up having to cope as best you could, and without strong attachment bonds? This can be good for our independence but tricky in close relating.

There will be plenty of work you can do on yourself to improve that kind of issue if you want to at a later date, we can only learn from relationships that don't last, although I would also say, 5 years isn't bad at all, there was quite a lot there probably?

If sex ever breaks down, I would definitely find out why, or if you can't, get couple therapy, as it may not be about sex drives at all, it can be about all kinds of stuff that needs talking through.

I'm sorry this has happened, look after yourself and don't rush things, go at a pace that suits you.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'm in 2 minds about the cat. I'm not averse to me keeping her. Thing is, it'd depend on what places we move into. Finding pet friendly rentals can be challenging enough, let alone when it's an indoor cat. I don't think it'd be well suited to a house share environment unless it was with someone we knew. And the chances of me finding such a place and renting with a friend are very slim. People have to be diligent and cautious with an indoor cat when going in and out the house, or doing anything that involves stepping outside. At the end of the day, both of us love the cat dearly - and we want her to have the best possible life, so we will ensure this happens, and she has a suitable new home with one of us.

I agree about counselling etc. It seems like we sat on a lot of unspoken issues which built up over time. I feel like I focused on my own self-improvement too much without including her. She'd often comment on how I'd talk in depth about my issues with friends online but not her. I find it easier to be open when typing as opposed to face to face. I understand her though - I would clam up around her a lot and it didn't help. Even when she asked how my therapy sessions went, I would clam up and really struggle to be open with her. I wonder if part of the reason I' struggled to open up was knowing deep down maybe things had run their course. A fear that if we were too open; it'd end things. The responsibility of owning a house, having a cat etc. probably scared us away from pulling the trigger and saying what needed to be said.

I'm not sure if my parents are on the spectrum. The emotional distance growing up is something which has become commonplace in my relationships as well. My inner critic is very detrimental to my happiness and my outer critic is very weary and judgemental of everyone, especially those I'm closest to.

I'm glad you emphasised not to rush things. I tend to charge into my problems. Even though after things are said and done, I sit and ponder and reflect on it's conclusions and other possible avenues I could've taken.

I'm going to speak with her when she wakes up and just remind her of that too. We're friends, and we don't need to rush this. Yes, we will move on - but not on any half-baked plans. We're doing this, and we will do it right.

Sort of a gross irony that it took a break up to finally get us to open up more. Still, better late than never.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

We talked this morning and both agreed it's not feasible to keep the cat. We admitted this was both our biggest worries. It nearly moved me to tears several times to admit it. She had been up all night worrying about it, and since 5am I've been anxiously running over it in my head too. Trying to work out a solution - but realising that the hardest decision is actually the one that's best for everyone.

Neither of us can afford to rent a place large enough on our own that'd be fair on Kes to live in. We also couldn't afford to buy a house with what we make selling this house. Realistically there's no way either of us can keep Kes.

My brother and his family are interested in adopting her. They live in a large 4 bedroom house. We're just waiting to finalize it. It's hard, but at the same time, with no indoor cat we can come and go all day with decorating the house, moving stuff into storage and getting ready to sell the house. Life would be a lot more practical with selling the house.

It's hard not to feel incredibly guilty to let our cat go. At the same time I know my brother's wife has had cats before and loves them. Me and my brother grew up with cats too. Also, Kes is young - only 3 years old (EDIT: she's 5 - my memory is shocking). She has plenty of time to adjust and settle down to a new home. I still feel like a villain to admit this is for the best, and yet I have to remind myself it will be better for everyone long term.

The hardest part will be the day of letting her go. But after that, we will be keeping busy planning the next steps to selling the house and starting new chapters in our lives.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

I spoke with my parents. They're happy for me to stay there for a month or 2 when the house is sold. I'll then job hunt in Cambridge, where I studied and had my first 2 jobs. It's a city I prefer - and I've never lived in a city before. Living in a town has made me realise how much more convenient an urban location is. Admittedly I eventually want to own a house somewhere remote, but why not experience a few years in a city whilst I save up? Also, a new job would mean new friends, as not having any friends in my current job is a detriment to my mental health. Not only that, but I'd then look for a house share which should mean I make more new friends.

Knowing that we'll find a home for Kes is hard, but for the best. The next few weeks will keep us busy once Kes has found a new home. It will be good to break up the rut and monotony that we've found ourselves in for a year or more. The same old routines etc weren't exactly healthy or benefitting us.

The only bit of dread right now is knowing I will have to let Kes go. The day that she leaves us will have me crying like a baby. But it's a necessary step, and perfectly justifiable grief.

Asides from this, I think I'm actually looking forward to the other new steps. Finding a new job, moving home for a month or 2, and then starting my next chapter. It'll be good to have therapy sessions during, to help me work through and process these changes. As I can quickly go from optimist to pessimist in very little time.

Another positive is knowing that my 2nd (and favourite) therapist works in Cambridge, and when I eventually move there, I could start seeing him again.

Strange really - started this morning in utter despair and fear. Now I'm starting to feel calmer and driven.

Ed

 

[Aspychata]

The other possibility is to keep the place and stay in different rooms and plan to sell when you have enough equity to get a new place. Or pay the other rent to stay there if you each own 50/50 and say she moves out or you move out. Because housing situations can be difficult find. A decent housing situation has been outside of my grasp.

 

[Raggamuffin]

If we stayed here, the house needs lots more renovation work which we don't have the time or money for.

Besides, if we live together, inevitably there'll come a time when one of us starts to date again and that'll just be an awkward and possibly resentful situation. It'd be a bit weird to date someone whilst living with an ex.

Housing wise, there's plenty of rentals here and in nearby towns and cities. We wouldn't struggle on that front. At the end of the day, it's a fresh start for both of us, and I think that hinges on moving out as well as on.

It seems my brother may have said no to adopting the cat. So we'll have to start looking at other options. I'd hoped it'd be a straightforward process, but it might take some time.

I hope my body calms down soon. My stomach is a mess and I can't concentrate at all on my work. Managed to eat half a banana and a glass of water all day. Needless to say I'm now getting a headache to boot. All day I've just been staring at the screen as my mind races.

Ed

 

[unperson]

Eat something, sammich, frozen dinner, anything.

 

[George Newman]

I understand.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Managed a cereal bar earlier and some Greek yogurt and blueberries just now. I'm going to keep drinking water as I know that's just as important.

The suns drawing in now. I'm feeling dizzy. My stomach has calmed down for now, but my mood is dropping. The optimism is flipping back to pessimism. Kes has been very affectionate all day and that is really cutting me up inside.

I had a text from my brother's wife. She said she knows someone who might be wanting to adopt Kes.

I cried earlier, allbeit briefly. It felt somewhat repressed - in fact I can't recall ever crying like it before. I understand crying in this situation is natural, and yet there was this shame that was making me want to bottle it all back up again. So, whilst it felt like a release of sorts, pretty soon after I continued to spend the rest of the afternoon feeling close to tears.

The ad to the right of the forum has cat t-shirts. That just feels mean and ill-timed.

Ed

 

[OkRad]

Happened to me. Very hard. Only I ended up long term flatmates with the one who decided they did not want me anymore. Very much pain and shame as they ended up well and I sank to the bottom. Easier on them, of course, than me.

 

[Thinx]

Well you know what's right for you, but I have had cats in rented flats and houses, it's just a question of finding the right one. Don't give her away unless you are sure that's right for you, don't underestimate that bond you have, and she has with you, due to being brave and independent. Sometimes pets are such a comfort, and they take so little care really.

 

[Raggamuffin]

We can't afford a place big enough for her without leaving one of us with next to no money each month. It'd be miserable living on a pittance. The affordable rentals are tiny and it would be cruel to house an indoor cat in such a place.

We both love her to death, but we know deep down that it's simply not workable. I don't say this lightly, and whilst it probably seems like I've gone from one extreme to the next - me and Kristy discussed it in depth, and we feel it's right.

These ups and downs are taking their toll on my mind and body. When I'm positive - I feel like we're putting Kes first, we're going to find her a good home and she will spend the next 12+ years of her life with a new, loving family. But, when I feel negative I feel like I've failed her - I feel like I should force myself to live in near poverty to look after her.

My brother's wife has found someone who's 100% interested. They're visiting tomorrow afternoon to see her. I'm going to be crying tomorrow, I know it. If all goes well, I think she'll be off to her new home this weekend.

I've seen a few house shares which have pets. But sharing with people will be an overload of variables as it is. Let alone if I tried to introduce an indoor cat. I know me and Kristy are extremely OCD about where Kes is, and ensuring she has no means of accidentally getting outside. But a house with 2-5 strangers? I can't expect that level of care and attention from random people.

I know it's for the best. It just sickens me to admit that, because I feel like a failure.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Facebook posted a memory of a picture I uploaded this time last year.

The timing and the message are nothing short of perfect.

Ed

 

[Alexej]

Sorry to hear of your situation Ed

Peace be with you
Peace in body, mind and soul

 

[Raggamuffin]

We spoke candidly last night and she admitted how much of a profound effect my depression has had on her. I've literally dragged her down with me. With the lack of intimacy and low sex drive I became very distant. But it wasn't just that - I'm highly antisocial, and I have a severe video game addiction. We sat in the same room every day and barely talked. This went on for years. When lockdown came - I think the realisation and the frustration of this endless routine had a more profound effect on both our mental wellbeings. She told me how lonely she's felt. Her inner voice and fears sound very similar to mine. I feel blinded by my own self-absorption in not noticing and addressing her signs and symptoms of depression.

The woman interested in the cat is coming today, and all being well - she will be collecting her tomorrow. Failing that, a friend of mine would like to adopt Kes if not. So, in that respect I'm safe in the knowledge Kes will be looked after. It's not without it's guilt and "what if" anxious ruminations, but it's the first step of several we need to take in order to go our separate ways.

I'm hoping the next few weeks of decorating and moving things into storage will help us both mentally. It will give us some focus and tasks to work our way through. The routines we've been stuck in for so long will finally be broken up, and I think keeping busy and feeling useful in ourselves and to each other will benefit our wellbeing. It's tragic we both bottled things up for so long that we got beyond the point of no return.

In the early days of our relationship she had helped me so much with overcoming my social anxieties. I feel selfish that I can't do the same. And yet, I think I could be of more use as a friend. We spoke openly about numerous topics and thoughts which we'd held onto for so long. We thanked each other for being honest.

I'm going to recommend my therapist to Kristy, to see if she'd consider seeing one. I know she hasn't had great success with therapists in the past - but I think that it may really help her gain some new perspectives and techniques to address her inner critic and doubts.

As I said before, I suppose it's better late than never. Whilst the next few weeks will be new and possibly scary in numerous ways, I know that we need to support each other through all this. I'm glad we put Kes first, and it's a sign of how similar we are in that our main worry from the get go was trying to work out what would happen with our cat.

When we talked last night my stomach issues came back with a vengeance. Throughout the day they'd been bad, and towards the evening they had calmed down a little. I had a call from a Discord friend. He's a good guy, and he's made the effort numerous times to listen, to talk and to try and lend a helping hand. We had planned to all play a video game online that night. Just as I'd gotten onto voice chat I began to message Kristy - which is when we started to discuss the aforementioned topics.

Whilst we spoke, and with my realisation of how self-absorbed I'd been in my own problems and issues - my bodily reaction to the guilt, the shame and the worry took over again. Having only eaten a few hundred calories all day - I started to feel very dizzy and I lied down on the sofa. I managed to sleep for a couple of hours, although the initial attempt to relax was met by feeling incredibly dizzy even with my eyes closed - which is never a pleasant experience.

We talked briefly before I went to bed. Thankfully she had an earlyish night. Recently she'd been up into the small hours and our sleeping patterns were growing more and more distant.

Again, in hindsight - the signs seem so clear that she was suffering, and I had been so oblivious and stuck in my own head to notice and to try and help. I know that this split is for the best, and I'm filled with a lot of guilt and shame about how badly I affected her mental health. I had pondered numerous times in the past how my mental health would affect those around me. I'm so used to be stuck inside my own head and thoughts, and processes - that I let the person closest to me get dragged into all this with me.

I think being single will be good for both of us. I'm thankful she lives in a town where she has numerous friends. I know they'll be there for her and to support her. I suppose it's another example of how me being stuck in my own head has been such a detriment - I only have a few acquaintances in this town. I rarely socialised and I never put the effort in to maintain possibly friendships. Now my desire is for a fresh start somewhere new, to try and find further inner peace, to continue therapy and tackle this lifelong inner critic and fears. I know it's the inner and outer critic which contributes so much to my antisocialness. I convince myself not to do things, to try things. I whip myself up into an anxious frenzy before any social engagement or when I have to do something new.

I keep reminding myself this is for the best, and that I can still be of help to her as a friend. I know depression, and I understand what it's like. I've been told in the past I offer good advice, and I think this could be of help to her when our relationship is simply platonic. I do need to be weary of my tendency to overindulge in the Fawn Response. As soon as she began telling me about her depression I felt an overwhelming need and urge to try and forgo myself and help her in any way I possibly good.

She's a strong person though. I know we will both see this through and end up going our separate ways. This relationship has been our longest, and I'm thankful that it is ending in a civil way. There is a lot to learn and reflect on, and I think we'll both come out the other side of this stronger.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

A friend of mine has said yes to adopting our cat. I'm truly relieved as she is a huge animal lover. She's had 2 cats before and they were indoor cats too and kept them all their lives. She also has 2 small puppers. We've known each other online for over 10 years, and this is the first time we'll have met.

We had always planned to eventually get more pets to keep Kes company when we're at work etc. So whilst it'll take some time for Kes to adapt, I know that she'll have a wonderful new home and companions. Her and her partner are really excited to adopt her.

They will be picking her up tomorrow afternoon. Kristy didn't want to be there, she doesn't want to see her go, which I understand. I said to my friend that I'll probably end up crying a lot. In fact, each time I think about it - I nearly lose it. She understands though, and she's happy that them adopting her has given us such a sense of relief. It feels a little easier, even though it still hurts - we know this is for the best, as hard as it is to admit. I told the other person that we've gone with a family friend. She was very understanding. I'm glad, as I felt rather guilty.

I know that tomorrow is going to be hard. But afterwards, I think things will feel a little easier and once we begin to work through our to-do list - things should feel simpler. Plus, I can get regular updates from my friend. She also said to me that this will be Kes' s forever home. That filled me with a lot of happiness and hope. It's really taken a weight off my shoulders.

So much so, I actually managed to eat properly for lunch today, which is the first proper meal in over a day.

Me and Kristy have had several long talks. Things feel a little easier - we got a lot off our chest and none of it was heated. We've both been so understanding about this, and it's so refreshing compared to every one of our previous break ups.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

The past few days, when the evenings draw in - my head is so full up of thoughts from the day and my body is utterly worn out. I definitely feel worse when the night comes.

In the mornings however, when I wake up I feel genuinely at peace. Of course, the morning after this initially happened I instantly recalled the previous night's break up and it was like an immediate gut punch of worry and emotion. But the past 2 mornings when I've woken up, I've felt calmer. My mind has yet to be flooded with thoughts, quetions and doubts.

The past few weeks Kristy has been falling asleep on the sofa and comes up to bed later when she's woken up again. Her coming into the bedroom often wakes me up. Before all this, it'd be a brief moment and then I'd fall back to sleep. Since all this started, as soon as I've woken up I couldn't get back to sleep. When she came to bed today it was at 5am, and yesterday I was up around 4:30 and the night before it was around 5 as well. I was happy to have had more sleep last night than in previous days, as well as getting up at a more respectable hour. Especially as it's getting lighter earlier these days, it felt more natural being up at that time.

We chatted for a while, and again - my mind and body felt calm. There wasn't any worries, in fact I made several jokes and we were laughing together and it was really nice. Of course, the more we talked and the more I woke up, I started to notice new "what if's" creeping into my head, but I kept trying to redirect my thoughts back to how calm I'd felt when I first woke up. Reminding myself that this is how I deserve to feel.

When I walked downstairs I saw Kes sat by the front door. As soon as she saw me, she walked into the living room. Typical Kes - off she goes into the kitchen, and will start meowing and pestering you for her breakfast(s). Seeing her always makes me happy, but again - I'm not overwhelmed. I tried to let the thoughts come and go without latching onto any and going down the rabbit hole. I want to say I don't feel overwhelmed yet, but living in expecation of such things does me no good. These mindful and calm feelings in the morning have me realising how I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my mental health.

I'm under no illusion that when Kes is gone, the house will feel empty. For the first time thinking about it - I'm not feeling like I'm going to burst into tears, because I'm trying to rationalise these thoughts and not give into the anxieties. I was happy to see her this morning, as ever. But I didn't allow myself to start thinking all the "what if's" and when I did, I tried to let them go as quickly as I could. Yes these thoughts have a right to exist, but I don't have to feel beaten or crushed by them - that is my choice. These techniques remind me of the book I'm reading, as well as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques - trying to de-escalate anxious thoughts and worries and rephrase or consider them from a different perspective. Logic and common sense tend to go out the window when I start belittling myself with anxious thoughts and fears.

After I fed Kes I told myself to eat breakfast, because I've been hungry for so many days now, and I want to eat a meal before I start overthinking to a point of nausea or stomach aches. It wasn't a big breakfast, but I did my usual of porridge oats, seeds and dried fruit pieces with coconut milk. I managed most of it. After a while I felt a little sickly, so I thought it best not to push myself.

Anyway, I'm just trying to remind myself of how I've been feeling these past 2 mornings. It's a calm feeling, and I need to remind myself when I start feeling overwhelmed or anxious - this is self induced. I choose how to (over)react to situations. I can either lift myself up, or tear myself down. It's not fair to me, Kristy or Kes to repeatedly drag myself into anxious rumination and depressive thoughts.

I'm also saying to myself this morning, that all 3 of us in this house are embarking on the next chapter of our lives. Whilst it will initially be unsettling for each one of us - once we've found our footing, it's sure to be even more rewarding and fulfilling that the previous chapter.

I think Monday will be helpful - I haven't been around anyone else other than Kristy or Kes since all this began. Whilst I've spoken to a few people online and over the phone, I need to be around other people. I'm thankful that Kristy has been keeping busy with meeting friends. I know this has helped her greatly. It has also made me reflect on my own lack of friends, and has me realising that a fresh start will be good for my mental health. Since I began this new job I've had a real lack of friendships outside of those I speak to online. In fact, this break up has made me realise how long I'd neglected speaking with long term friends online as well. I need to step it up in numerous areas, because I've been so complacent for such a long time and it hasn't benefitted anyone.

I'm looking forward to meeting my friend for the first time today. It seems so silly, she lives 20 minutes away and I never realised how close they were. 10+ years of friendship and I just wish we could've met for the first time under happier circumstances. It's quite strange how today is going to be one of our saddest days, and yet, for my friend - this is going to be a very happy day for her.

Ed