My relationship with meditation has been similar to other experiences in my life. Managing my expectations led to genuine benefits and revealed my original assumptions were a far cry from reality. In practice, my fears and assumptions don’t manifest how I expect them to. I suppose there lies the pitfall in being stuck inside your head so much – you wind up so full of ideals or nightmares, that simply living in reality can be a task in of itself.
Initially I viewed meditation as something alien to my existence – to be able to calm one’s mind and body? Whilst I can dedicate my focus and attention to something to the point of obsession – I have left a lot of half-baked and unfinished projects and intentions in my wake. Sitting still is problematic at the best of times and I can rarely maintain pose or posture for longer than a few seconds before I have to move.
For as long as I can remember, my mind always raced, and my body has never stopped fidgeting. Favouring sitting cross legged on the floor was as close to meditation as I’d ever gotten until my mid-20’s. Unlike meditation, whilst I’m sat down, I sway from side to side for hours on end. There is a self-soothing to be found in this repetitive movement, and I suppose initially I viewed meditation as another means of calming me down. However, as with many expectations I’ve had throughout life, I expected the results to be instant and quickly became irritated and fatigued at the prospect of having to dedicate time in order to see improvement.
I reacted to initial difficulties in much the same way as I did in my early days with anxiety. I assumed meditation wouldn’t work for me - just as I had assumed improving my anxiety was a lost caused because I was “different” to other cases. All the “what if’s” took me down so many paths and possibilities where I couldn’t see an end or an improvement in my condition. The more time invested in worry, the more adept I became. Similarly – the more time I spent on meditation, the more I began to see benefits.
As others have mentioned – the idea of calming my thoughts down whilst sat still, or clearing my head entirely was the biggest challenge for me when it came to meditation. The first few times I closed my eyes and I had a constant thought in my head that rumbled in the background amongst all the other racing thoughts. This thought of “Ed, you’re doing this wrong” – why was this? I suppose it was because of two reasons: my assumption results would be sudden and second, because I was judging myself on somewhat unrealistic standards and expectations.
Focusing on clearing my mind or focusing on breathing can become frustrating and laborious during meditation. Then again, there is such a wide variety of meditation practices that I was presented with a rather intimidating question – which one is the “right” one? I figured that my initial struggle with meditation was because I hadn’t found the one that was compatible with who I was and what I needed to get out of meditation.
Something changed when I was seeing my third therapist. The whole reason I entered therapy again was because I had struggled with the CBT approach and this therapist’s biography showed that he approached therapy with a variety of other techniques. He was also called Ed and he was a practicing Buddhist. The first session didn’t get off to a good start as I didn’t realise it was cash payments only. I said I would go to a cash point after the session – but there was a sense of distrust in his expression before we even began the session. As we settled into the session and I described my well told anxiety story I could see a great deal of compassion in him. He seemed emotionally moved by some of the most painful experiences and memories I had experienced and by the end of the session he said he was happy for me to pay him the following session.
He led me in numerous guided meditations. Some were body scans and others were guided or visual exercises. I’ll never forget one meditation session we had which was at the end of one of our therapy appointments. I recall being off work that day (back when I worked a 4 on 4 off rota). Being in a city there was always a lot of background noise in the room from the outside world and this often presented a distraction in the early days for me. However, during this session something clicked, and still to this day I’m not sure what it was. When I described how I felt in our next session he seemed quite shocked and impressed by what I had experienced and used a word/term I have since forgotten to describe it.
In my early 20’s I had experimented with a lot of different drugs. Whilst I had self-medicated with weed and alcohol for prolonged periods, there was quite a lot of other drugs I tried a handful of times. All of these experiences paled in comparison to how I felt after this meditation session. I don’t say this lightly, as some experiences I had with drugs were intensely euphoric. However, after we finished this short and seemingly mediocre meditation session, I felt a sense of inner calm and wellbeing I had never experienced before and have never seen since. For around 3 hours I felt completely serene – it was like I was on another level. When I got home I went out for a meal with my partner and she asked me multiple times if I was alright or if I was “on something” because apparently I didn’t seem at all like myself and seemed rather spaced out.
Now comes the problem I guess – I’m an all or nothing person. Having experienced that level of calm and pleasure, I meditated again that very night. There was a craving and an addict’s mindset kicked in. I meditated – but nothing. I didn’t even feel remotely calm, I just felt aggravated and hard done by. For the next few days, I tried meditating again and again but nothing. I think the “nothing” was because of my mindset when entering meditation. I was driven by greed and it was met with disappointment – and rightly so.
A few months later I got into a routine of going for walks on my lunchbreak at one of my previous workplaces. Similar to my current office, there was some woods virtually next door to where I worked. So, I used to spend an hour walking and exploring and once I found a route, I began repeating it ever day. However, for a long time I simply stuck to footpaths that went alongside the woods and never went in it. Until one day an inner prompt told me to walk into the woods. So, I did – and to my surprise I found several paths leading through them. As I walked through the woods, I noticed a small clearing with a felled tree and some springtime flowers immerging through the woodland floor of dead leaves and twigs. I followed another prompt of mine – which was to forgo my usual walk and to meditate there.
This became a regular routine for me. Not as regular as the walking, but still – enough to start showing some improvements. I began to notice when times were hectic or stressful at work, my lunch break meditation would help me unwind. It wasn’t a guaranteed cure as I never did it regularly enough to see daily benefits, but I appreciated the action of taking time out, away from the office and to be amongst nature.
A few years later and it seems I’ve begun a similar routine – this time I’m at a new workplace, and right next door to the office are some woods and lakes. For the past week and a half, I’ve been going to the lake every lunch break and meditating, or simply looking out across the water and being present in the moment.
What I’ve found the more I’ve meditated is that I try different kinds of meditation without relying on an audible guided meditation. Whether it’s solely noticing the sounds around me, of the wind, the birds and the distant cars. Or allowing thoughts to naturally ebb and flow without trying to attach, judge or pursue them. Another one I enjoy is to simply notice the colours and patterns that emerge in the pin pricks of colour and light I see when my eyes are closed.
The biggest improvement I found with meditation is when I began to relax the striving mindset. When I managed the expectation of what I hoped or expected to get out of meditation and simply allowed myself to be. Much like mindfulness – my initial beliefs and ideals around this practice was very different to how it ended up being and affecting my life.
I now go to the lake without a sense of needing or wanting. I’m happier and calmer in simply being away from the office and amongst nature. I’m grateful to be able to turn off one of my senses by closing my eyes and giving myself half an hour to let myself drift off. After every meditation I open my eyes and feel calmer. It lasts for several hours and I notice if something stressful is occurring at work I don’t rise to the bait. It feels as if negativity washes over me or isn’t held onto. Yet positivity feels more intense and I hold onto it for longer.
It’s a strange one. I sometimes liken it to how I used to feel after smoking a joint. Whilst I’m still stuck in my head all the time – I feel a deeper sense of contemplation and my thoughts have slowed down. The volatile and sporadic nature of my emotions has mellowed out and I genuinely feel more at ease.
All in all – I’m glad I’ve rekindled my interest in meditation and I’m finding it more enjoyable and rewarding than ever.
I think the benefits are especially noticeable now more than ever. A lot of people I work with are so amped up with constantly reading the news about current events that they seem visibly tense and anxious etc. Whereas for me, I actually feel happier and more at ease now than I have in many years.
Sorry, this turned into a mini essay. Anyway – here’s a short video I made the other day of the exact spot where I meditate on my lunch breaks
