Years ago, my husband and I attempted therapy several times with different therapists in order to help our marriage. The first was a Catholic marriage counselor, in fact a priest, who advised us on our marriage. He seemed more concerned with church doctrine that our marriage. The second was a female physiologist with a private practice who made us read 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.' Which didn't help us problem solve in any way. The third was also a private psychologist with specialization in relationships. None of the three made mention of autism as a factor in the relationship, or in fact even noticed the stimming or the anxiety.
Recently I've been reading about actual therapists who specialize in Aspie/NT relationships and I came across this quite good advice:
"The truth is that Asperger's, and its impact on relationships with self and others, is poorly understood, especially by many clinicians. And certainly no clinician should ever give a prediction for an individual's lifelong functioning, especially if that person has never been evaluated. Aspie couples come to therapy looking for tools and answers, and are often instead given prescriptions for hopelessness. It's one thing to talk conservatively about treatment goals; it's another thing to throw out goals altogether.
Therapists often tell clients married to ASD adults that their partner cannot feel empathy and cannot truly love. Perhaps the reason I take such exception to this kind of dangerous feedback is that it's simply not true. All of my clients feel empathy, and all are capable of love. In fact many times my Aspie clients are shocked to find that their partner's faith in their love and loyalty can be compromised by a forgotten good-bye or missed eye-contact. One Aspie partner remarked: "How can our whole relationship hang by a thread? It makes me afraid to open my mouth for fear I'll accidentally destroy my marriage." Of course this anxiety furthers ASD clients' reluctance to establish connection, which furthers their partners' feelings of being ignored or neglected.
Partners with Asperger's have often spent a lifetime making unpredictable relationship mistakes that carry real repercussions. When the probability is high that your efforts to connect will be met with rejection, it's awfully hard to justify the logic of continuing to try. Successful relationship therapy involves identifying triggers so that both partners can work towards feeling safe together. This is the foundation of building connection." ASPIE STRATEGY: The Hidden Autistics IV: Relationship Counseling
Autistic Empathy: ASPIE STRATEGY: The Hidden Autistics II: Asperger's in Adults and Empathy
What do you think? Understanding one another's' triggers' may help in relationships, and the longevity of them.
Recently I've been reading about actual therapists who specialize in Aspie/NT relationships and I came across this quite good advice:
"The truth is that Asperger's, and its impact on relationships with self and others, is poorly understood, especially by many clinicians. And certainly no clinician should ever give a prediction for an individual's lifelong functioning, especially if that person has never been evaluated. Aspie couples come to therapy looking for tools and answers, and are often instead given prescriptions for hopelessness. It's one thing to talk conservatively about treatment goals; it's another thing to throw out goals altogether.
Therapists often tell clients married to ASD adults that their partner cannot feel empathy and cannot truly love. Perhaps the reason I take such exception to this kind of dangerous feedback is that it's simply not true. All of my clients feel empathy, and all are capable of love. In fact many times my Aspie clients are shocked to find that their partner's faith in their love and loyalty can be compromised by a forgotten good-bye or missed eye-contact. One Aspie partner remarked: "How can our whole relationship hang by a thread? It makes me afraid to open my mouth for fear I'll accidentally destroy my marriage." Of course this anxiety furthers ASD clients' reluctance to establish connection, which furthers their partners' feelings of being ignored or neglected.
Partners with Asperger's have often spent a lifetime making unpredictable relationship mistakes that carry real repercussions. When the probability is high that your efforts to connect will be met with rejection, it's awfully hard to justify the logic of continuing to try. Successful relationship therapy involves identifying triggers so that both partners can work towards feeling safe together. This is the foundation of building connection." ASPIE STRATEGY: The Hidden Autistics IV: Relationship Counseling
Autistic Empathy: ASPIE STRATEGY: The Hidden Autistics II: Asperger's in Adults and Empathy
What do you think? Understanding one another's' triggers' may help in relationships, and the longevity of them.
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