Still single

[tree]

I am honestly stumped mentally.

Yes.

You don't pursue any therapeutic behavior/thought
approach for long. You give it a try, then decide that it's
hopeless because it didn't magically solve everything.

Here. Choose one:
A. Gradual progress is failure.
B. Gradual progress is progress.

 

[paloftoon]

@Markness get the hell out of college. You are torturing yourself staying at that horrible place. Of course stay at your job even if you don't always like it. Please find a outside hobby like uplifting like church or yoga or maybe dance classes. Don't focus on finding a gf instead just try to make friends.

I really had to think about this one, but in your situation Markness, I think I agree with Tony. I wasn't crazy about college, but I didn't hate it to the point that I didn't want to get that piece of paper. While I struggled socially with people I interacted on all kinds of level, I knew that for me, it was still the best I could do to survive and live the quality of life I wanted to potentially. In your case, it sounds like you have a job that helps keep you sustainable and based on Tony's recommendation, it might be best for you with all the distractions and the degree of negativity you deal with. Sometimes, simplifying is better and easier to deal with, and in your case, I think that would be a positive for you.

I think you shared a picture of yourself from a dating thread one time, and I remember it being reasonably attractive physically for me. Makes me wonder if maybe there are people truly interested in you and you aren't willing to "settle", but maybe in reality, it isn't settling at all.

 

[Dagan]

Per the other day being Valentine's, I tried to self-reflect and just deeply figure out what I'm really feeling after over a year being single. I've come to the laughing at myself conclusion that I'm either achieving enlightenment, or I just reached the point that being lonely doesn't bother me so much anymore.

 

[Aspychata]

I always view my alone time as a nice time, because when you're living with someone else, that free time will simply dissipate. As @Gerald Wilgus states, finding enjoyable interests, in turn, opens you in to sharing your interests with a like-minded person, and that creates experiences which definitely Gerald Wilgus succeeded at. When l get together with a good friend, we share all of our many experiences including parasailing, scuba diving...... and we look forward to doing more things together. This actually bonds couples together.

 

[Markness]

I always view my alone time as a nice time, because when you're living with someone else, that free time will simply dissipate. As @Gerald Wilgus states, finding enjoyable interests, in turn, opens you in to sharing your interests with a like-minded person, and that creates experiences which definitely Gerald Wilgus succeeded at. When l get together with a good friend, we share all of our many experiences including parasailing, scuba diving...... and we look forward to doing more things together. This actually bonds couples together.

I’m sorry but I just can’t buy into this.

 

[Dagan]

I'm not hating on myself, mind you. It's a reality-based, self-inflicted decision to be alone for now. I have a specific situation that feels unfair and/or illogical to expect any woman to want to be a part of. To be clearer: the more materialistic and selfish women who I don't want to be with, anyway, they will view my situation as baggage, drama and run far, far away. And that's just fine. Mature and respectable women will view my situation as reality, nothing I would ever choose to want, entirely fateful per medical reasons, but still, if they showed interest, I would be reserved and in ways likely persuade them to better enjoy their lives with another. There's also the possibility of narcissistic women who pull that Princess Charming, desire to be my savior and roundabout take full control of my life. In which case, I'd be the one running far, far away. Seriously put, the hard, cold reality and logic of things is that it just isn't my turn/time yet. It's okay. I do still reflect and try to humor myself about things, though.

I do agree that the likeliest chance I find connection is meeting a gal somewhere doing something of a creative, physical enjoyment or such - gym, rock climbing, museums, zoo, parks, the lake, etc.

 

[tree]

I’m sorry but I just can’t buy into this.

That makes sense.

Being alone and enjoying it as a contrast/break from
constant shared time isn't a thing you have experience with.

 

[Markness]

That makes sense.

Being alone and enjoying it as a contrast/break from
constant shared time isn't a thing you have experience with.

My mother constantly invaded my space and I was made to constantly be around the company they associated with. Solitude was frowned upon in my developmental years.

 

[tree]

My mother constantly invaded my space and I was made to constantly be around the company they associated with.

That's not constant shared time.
That's imposed company.

I was referring to the constant shared time that may
occur in a voluntary relationship between two people
who care about each other. Living with a significant
other, for example.

 

[Markness]

That's not constant shared time.
That's imposed company.

I was referring to the constant shared time that may
occur in a voluntary relationship between two people
who care about each other. Living with a significant
other, for example.

You make it sound like it’s my fault for not knowing the difference.

Yet these people remain in these sorts of relationships while telling me I shouldn’t. This is largely why those sorts of posts baffle me.

 

[Markness]

Start posting the positive steps you are taking to enjoy your interests and engage with people.

Your posts come off as if you are bashing me.

 

[tree]

Your posts come off as if you are bashing me.

You make it sound like it’s my fault for not knowing the difference.

Yet these people remain in these sorts of relationships while telling me I shouldn’t. This is largely why those sorts of posts baffle me.

It's Friday night again, isn't it?

The low point of your week.

You're misinterpreting what is being said to you.

Once again telling yourself stories that don't equate
to the reality of what is said.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I’m sorry but I just can’t buy into this.

You don't buy into interests creating shared experiences that is bonding? Shared interests is why yesterday, I had a French inspired lunch at the Culinary Center with friends of over 40 years with who we are planning a trip into the Ozarks for canoeing in May. Shared interests is like this morning, hiking at a local nature preserve with the bike club. I enjoy talking with everybody, including some lovely women my age, as we hiked through a snowy landscape (not enough snow to ski). I really like it when people greet me happily.

You take joy where you can find it and in that process you may run into your life partner. From your comments, @Markness, do you really want to grow in the direction of being a black hole of neediness? That is not endearing.

 

[Aspychata]

@Dagan , l think it's fascinating you are an accomplished writer in the sense that you know your craft and l am sure there is much more to you then you have said. Maybe you should look for someone that has the same interests as you? Please just see this as a suggestion only.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Copy it for your personal use?

That would be OK.

Thank You @tree . How I wish my younger self could have realized what you wrote. It is a roadmap for growth. D'ya think @Markness would see that as his way to mature? By 25 I started taking those small positive steps, and some big steps like living independently, and eventually I ran into my spouse and recognized her as an amazingly good life partner and she saw the same in me. That happened when I was enjoying myself and was ready for a relationship based upon personal qualities and interests. I had a little experience by then and could identify a good woman, and as importantly, I was ready to make myself vulnerable to a woman without reservation - I was ready to lose my virginity.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Maybe it doesn’t help but I find it difficult to counter.

You need to rewrite that internal script that takes you back to that wounded young man. Believe me it is easier to address your trauma now than to have it ambush you when you thought it was the dead past . . . Surprise!

 

[Markness]

You don't buy into interests creating shared experiences that is bonding? Shared interests is why yesterday, I had a French inspired lunch at the Culinary Center with friends of over 40 years with who we are planning a trip into the Ozarks for canoeing in May. Shared interests is like this morning, hiking at a local nature preserve with the bike club. I enjoy talking with everybody, including some lovely women my age, as we hiked through a snowy landscape (not enough snow to ski). I really like it when people greet me happily.

You take joy where you can find it and in that process you may run into your life partner. From your comments, @Markness, do you really want to grow in the direction of being a black hole of neediness? That is not endearing.

I found @Aspychata ‘s earlier post in here to be baffling.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thank You @tree . How I wish my younger self could have realized what you wrote. It is a roadmap for growth. D'ya think @Markness would see that as his way to mature? By 25 I started taking those small positive steps, and some big steps like living independently, and eventually I ran into my spouse and recognized her as an amazingly good life partner and she saw the same in me. That happened when I was enjoying myself and was ready for a relationship based upon personal qualities and interests. I had a little experience by then and could identify a good woman, and as importantly, I was ready to make myself vulnerable to a woman without reservation - I was ready to lose my virginity.

My 18-20s was a disaster. I trusted no one. I wasted my 30s still trusted no one. A scare from my sister nearly dying woke me up in my early 40s when I started to trust people again. Now I am living the best years if my life and now I trust more people. Is it perfect. No way. I am still, single, living at home and unemployed but I have reliable friends finally and I am healthy. Staying healthy. Living my life. Doing things dispite my disability and phobias. Even forming friendships with girls. I personally text one I meet at a coffee shop who's number I got by the way not by asking but by coincidence. We exchange texts. She is very kind and supportive to me. I am not obsessed as much as I use to be either.

 

[MNAus]

Something I observed for my own life, which you may or may not feel is relevant. I get a bit of a desperation vibe which might be leading to a negative approach.

How to explain this.... hmmm

If you've ever watched those assault course TV programs - the comedy ones with people getting knocked off things, etc. - you'll recognise the dynamic. There will be one or two people who steam through, then there will be a few contestants who feel the pressure. They'll arrive at an obstacle that needs timing and coordination, not under too much pressure yet. What they should do is take a moment, breathe, and choose their opportunity. But they feel the pressure, so they launch themselves, and get smacked off the obstacle. They quickly get up, and run straight into another attempt. And mistime again. And now they REALLY feel the pressure. But as a spectator you know it's not too late. If they just pause for a moment, just breathe. But they don't, and we all get to watch them being smacked around by some inflatable sweeper arm, covered in foam.

It's not the perfect analogy, so don't start trying to find how it can be used to show you're a hopeless case or something. Just take the dynamic onboard. Feeling appropriate drive is good. Fearing it's all too late and this is your last chance ever is negative. You stop doing things purposefully, and start responding like you're in danger.

You're not in danger. You have the time, the space. Please don't waste your life desperately flinging yourself around the assault course like you're hunted by a pack of wolves.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I am honestly stumped mentally.

So, do some introspection to unstump yourself. It helped me to look inward to be able to see the times my experiences contradict what I thought of myself, like turning down offers of connection in my confusion or not noticing when some nice, cute woman was acting in a way that she would welcome my approach and was open to dating me. The realizations made me feel worse for a while, but now rewriting my inner dialogue has taught me to pay attention and enjoy the people around me. I am feeling very good about myself now.