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Social Withdrawal

Aspychata

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
So l read someone's intro here and it said social withdrawal is a key aspect of Autism. I have suffered from this as long as l can remember. But the people l hung out with now may have also been on the spectrum.

Do we suffer various degrees of this, and have we all suffered from this clear back to childhood?

Are you aware how much you suffer from this or just chose to not think about it much?
 
I've suffered from it severely since childhood, it only got worse as I aged.

I am fully aware of the burden that it is on me, but I really don't have the means to do much about it currently, that seems to be a recurring trend for me.
 
Even though I crave it, sometimes I feel bouts of this. Especially when I've tried to naturally connect with people and I could tell when to stop.

One of my friends doesn't think I try hard enough. Recently, this friend and I were at an event and I was meeting people who looked like they were alone or I would go with a friend up to people in a group of 2 to ask about what league sport they were going to be in next season to try to form a team.

I took breaks in-between. Only other thing I could've done was just been slightly intrusive and ask people in groups of 2 or more about what league team they were in whether they liked it or not and feel out their response.

I tried to hard that my mind was tired out. I like to try to get to know people in small groups and love intensity as long as I feel like I'm included in the person's/people's social sphere. I'm not into big groups and loud music blaring around. I can do it and I'm not afraid of it, but I don't like to do it for like 2 hours straight.

At the whole 3 hr party (I was there for about 2.5 hours), only one person came up to me first. It goes both ways, that's for sure.
 
I'm not sure withdrawal is the explanation as much as just not knowing how. I stood back and was watching my grandson at a birthday party one day and it took me back to my childhood and it's like I knew exactly what he was doing and feeling. He stood back from the group of kids watching with the desire to join them but didn't quite know how and it broke my heart. The kids played pin the tail on the donkey and he stood in the background, like he was waiting for someone to say it was his turn but went unnoticed by the other kids. By the time he did the pin the tail, all the other kids had run off to the swings. Then I watched him repeat the same thing at the swings.
We wait for the invitation because we don't know how to get in there and join the group, and often not noticed so we never get to join. It's sad when you see it. It's sad when you're the one waiting for an invitation to the group that never comes. Others just push their way into the group and we just can't do that.
I've often said with my daughter in law, when she says how lucky she is with me as her mother in law, remind her that she pushed her way in whether we wanted it or not and really didn't give us a choice - she was now part of the family. That's what it seemed like. Oh, she was most definitely welcomed into the family, but I say it was all her doing. That always impressed me that she was so easily able to do that - something I could never have done.
 
I wouldn't say I suffer, not now. When I was a child I would leave playmates and spend time by myself in the forests near my families home. In fact, that was the place where I was most happy, and even now it brings me a sense of peace when I'm walking in a forest.

Sometimes a family member emails me and describes events that they all attend as siblings. And I feel a little melancholic that all that is gone. Yet, I miss my early childhood when I was surrounded by many grandparents and aunts and cousins and uncles. There was a real sense of family closeness that's been missing for a long time in my life.

I don't now regret my decisions to distance myself from the few left who attempt to recreate a sense of what we had as children. It's long gone, and you can't go home again. Those were the only times in my life that I didn't feel a certain kind of aversion toward the people around me. Now I choose to be at peace with the idea that I am enough and don't need people around me all the time. It's nice to have quiet.
 
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Pats said:
I'm not sure withdrawal is the explanation as much as just not knowing how. I stood back and was watching my grandson at a birthday party one day and it took me back to my childhood and it's like I knew exactly what he was doing and feeling. He stood back from the group of kids watching with the desire to join them but didn't quite know how and it broke my heart. The kids played pin the tail on the donkey and he stood in the background, like he was waiting for someone to say it was his turn but went unnoticed by the other kids. By the time he did the pin the tail, all the other kids had run off to the swings. Then I watched him repeat the same thing at the swings.
We wait for the invitation because we don't know how to get in there and join the group, and often not noticed so we never get to join. It's sad when you see it. It's sad when you're the one waiting for an invitation to the group that never comes. Others just push their way into the group and we just can't do that.
I've often said with my daughter in law, when she says how lucky she is with me as her mother in law, remind her that she pushed her way in whether we wanted it or not and really didn't give us a choice - she was now part of the family. That's what it seemed like. Oh, she was most definitely welcomed into the family, but I say it was all her doing. That always impressed me that she was so easily able to do that - something I could never have done.
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@Pats - you've explained that so well and it made for painful reading as it's exactly how I was as a child, outside looking in.

I never gave myself a break for my 'failings'. Ever.

Being constantly blamed for everything by my parents caused me to adopt their narrative until I actually believed I was the one at fault for not 'wanting to' join in, when the reality is, I didn't (and still don't) know how.

I actually don't think I could endure the pain of watching a child struggle like I did, just as you are watching your grandson. It must be really difficult for you.

I'm accepting of my social boundaries now. But I often wonder what it must be like to have a natural ability to fit in.
 
Pats said:
He stood back from the group of kids watching with the desire to join them but didn't quite know how and it broke my heart. The kids played pin the tail on the donkey and he stood in the background, like he was waiting for someone to say it was his turn but went unnoticed by the other kids.
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Oh wow, this is so relatable. I remember during my last internship we had a party during lunch hour because one of the radiologists had obtained a PhD. Everyone was standing around talking and I didn’t feel like I knew anyone well enough to join their group, so I was just standing by myself off to the side with a drink in my hand staring off into space, trying very hard not to make eye contact with anyone.
At some point one of the radiologists told me not to be ridiculous and to come stand with their group, but they were talking about someone I didn’t know so I felt just as awkward standing with them. I know she was being nice and I was grateful for her calling me over, but I still felt miserable. Couldn’t wait for the whole event to be over so I could go back to sitting behind my desk in the dark.
 
I've been thinking about this recently. I'm not sad when I'm on my own, I prefer not having anyone in the viscinity to worry about, but it does get to me when I'm reminded that this is somehow considered faulty.

I can get along with most people, one-on-one, but I get lost in a group. I'm not sure I really care about anyone. I know where they are. I know how to reach them. What else do I need? I don't feel like I want to go visit or call them. It actually makes me uncomfortable. I see people as what they can do for me, what they know, skills, attributes, details. Is that an inability to connect or a refusal to?

The more little gestures I make to build a connection, the more I am expected to keep it up. That's exhausting and risky. I'd rather stay in my quiet little world.
 
Sadly, I felt somewhat alone at a family funeral - the part walking up to the crematorium and also the part where we have tea afterwards.
 
Mia said:
I wouldn't say I suffer, not now. When I was a child I would leave playmates and spend time by myself in the forests near my families home. In fact, that was the place where I was most happy, and even now it brings me a sense of peace when I'm walking in a forest.

Sometimes a family member emails me and describes events that they all attend as siblings. And I feel a little melancholic that all that is gone. Yet, I miss my early childhood when I was surrounded by many grandparents and aunts and cousins and uncles. There was a real sense of family closeness that's been missing for a long time in my life.

I don't now regret my decisions to distance myself from the few left who attempt to recreate a sense of what we had as children. It's long gone, and you can't go home again. Those were the only times in my life that I didn't feel a certain kind of aversion toward the people around me. Now I choose to be at peace with the idea that I am enough and don't need people around me all the time. It's nice to have quiet.
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I understand only too well. I too grew up surronded by an enormous family. Relatives, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, grat grandpas and grandmas. I did my best to enjoy the time with them over the years. Because i knew eventually that wpuld end. There aren't many left now. Nothing remains of what was. But i have no regrets. It was time well spent.
 
What do they mean by “withdrawal”? I wouldn’t say it’s a key aspect of autism. Many autistic people are very social. “Social withdrawal” has a ring of depression to it.
 
Kalinychta said:
What do they mean by “withdrawal”? I wouldn’t say it’s a key aspect of autism. Many autistic people are very social. “Social withdrawal” has a ring of depression to it.
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they are doing the usual! pointing out what they !term as negative! because we don’t want to play the court jester ,we are called withdrawn ,there are many neurotypicals with agoraphobia and social anxiety disorder ,it’s the same perverted idea ,if you’re not neuro typical and not a narcissist or completely self-centred ,there is something wrong with you!
 
Social withdrawal meaning we like to excuse ourselves to a certain extent from social interaction. My mom never made me attend family get-togethers because maybe she sensed my slight aversion.
 
Aspychata said:
Social withdrawal meaning we like to excuse ourselves to a certain extent from social interaction. My mom never made me attend family get-togethers because maybe she sensed my slight aversion.
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Ah yes. There’s something negative about the word “withdrawal,” and this certainly seems to be the way the world feels about it. Whenever someone would call me “quiet” when I was a kid, I would get so mad. “Quiet” versus constantly chattering and BSing but not actually saying anything of real value. Or “withdrawn” as in how could we possibly want to spend time with ourselves, alone? Clearly we have a disorder.

I’m glad your mom was understanding and didn’t make you attend parties.
 
I've never been happy being alone, but I've always been miserable being around others. I look perfectly normal, but within minutes, people recognize that I don't fit in and it shows in their behavior toward me. At 57 years old now, I can say to the younger people, that it doesn't get better. In fact, I would say it is worse. My need to be reclusive comes from how quickly I'm rejected as I age. Apparently people my age walk, talk and behave in a way that I do not. It's innate in all of us to recognize people and animals that don't fit it and avoid them, because they are different. So I don't blame others who ostracize.

I've lived in cities most of my life but now looking at selling my house and buying a house in the country with property where I can be more alone than I am now.
 
Live now in a very friendly state that embraces elders. It's feels great and it is the first real peace l have had in a long time. Some of the baggers at the supermarket are pushing 70+. My job involves helping two ladies, one is 100 years old, the other is 96. They cheerfully say hi to me.
 
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