Social issues, aspergers and social anxiety hate being center of attention.

[hoeffelt]

*Sorry if this seems like rambling, im not trying to.....*

I think i just figured out a huge part of my social issues, but not sure what to do about it. I hate being the center of attention. I hate parties centered around me didn't want a graduation party or bday parties. When unwrapping gifts i have occasionally felt this awful feeling when everyone in the group is watching me. Couldn't stand people standing around singing happy birthday to me. When teachers would bring me to the center of attention i would always kinda like shrink back in a shy way and try my hardest to get the focus off of me. Even if it was a compliment, despite how rare that was.... i was always bullied a lot and had many times where the class would laugh at me and mock me.

I was thinking about those past experiences and realized the reason why i don't like social groups is most likely because when it gets around to my turn to talk i get this deep pressure of worrying how people are going to react to what i say. Its like they're wolves and just ready to say something hurtful. I think its linked to all the negative reactions and bullying i have dealt with. I want to be social but always feel like if I do that i'll have more negative experiences. I also feel like i am always trying to formulate and put together what i want to say in a way so it is as accurate as possible and least likely to make me stand out/seem socially awkward but still seem to do something wrong at times. It just gets to me, ya know... :/ #shrug.... I guess i just have a lot of emotional scars in my memory. I wish people could be more kind instead of being rude and mean. Or is it just that they think its that damn funny sometimes... and that im that socially awkward...... :|

Anyone else have this issue? Or something similar? Is it even possible to have good social interactions in groups? Any advice would be appreciated, would love to figure this out and get rid of this issue.... Is this common with aspies or is this just social anxiety issues? Or do aspies often have social anxiety as well?

 

[Cosmophylla]

Social anxiety/phobia/awkwardness is pretty standard amongst Aspies, I believe.

I experience the same feeling when the focus of attention is on me, unless I'm only with my immediate family (husband and kids). It's almost a physical sensation for me... An awareness that I feel in my arms...it's hard to describe. (I'm a synaesthete and I have no idea if this is some kind of synaesthesia or if other people can physically feel that people are looking at them... I also get physical sensations when one of my kids is hurt or if I see images of violence/injury.)

It does sound as though the years of bullying you've experienced has trained you to respond the way you do in social situations. I think that it is entirely possible to have good social interactions - with the right people. Sometimes those right people are hard to find, sometimes you'll find yourself going through a stage in your life where you know lots of people you feel more comfortable with. I think it takes time for those with social anxiety to get to know people well enough to feel that level of ease, as well. Some people will never feel "right" to me, and I don't let my guard down around them, or avoid them altogether.

Do you feel comfortable here on AC? This is a great place to begin your healing. Feel free to vent as much as you need to. We are all in it together.

 

[Suzanne]

Ohhhh, myyyyyy that is soooooooooo ME.

Even when I hear another saying what I wanted to say, the overwhelming feeling is that I would be pounced on, if I said the same thing and thus, rarely talk, because when I do, I am frowned at.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I think this sort of thing is quite common. I have problems like this too, a lot of it stems back to my childhood and school certainly. I tend to get flashbacks of bad social moments happening to me and I give them way too much attention and then I start to get physical sensations of anxiety like sweating. I think it is possible to reprogram yourself away from these bad moments with things like therapy; I've yet to find a helpful method of doing this myself.

 

[unsurewhattoname]

I think this sort of thing is quite common. I have problems like this too, a lot of it stems back to my childhood and school certainly. I tend to get flashbacks of bad social moments happening to me and I give them way too much attention and then I start to get physical sensations of anxiety like sweating. I think it is possible to reprogram yourself away from these bad moments with things like therapy; I've yet to find a helpful method of doing this myself.

Same here. I can remember in horrible detail every mistake I have ever made and will relive them all every time I'm down. Even mistakes I made as a toddler.

 

[weth]

I used to play guitar and sing in a few bands and I have to say as much as it sounds cool it was bloody horrible. Socially I've always surrounded myself with people who talk for me I think that's how I cope. I remember my mum asking me for my 21st birthday if I'd like a limo to pick me up and take me down the town / out shopping for the day etc I remember being horrified at the thought

 

[DogwoodTree]

I hate being the center of attention. I hate parties centered around me didn't want a graduation party or bday parties. When unwrapping gifts i have occasionally felt this awful feeling when everyone in the group is watching me. Couldn't stand people standing around singing happy birthday to me. When teachers would bring me to the center of attention i would always kinda like shrink back in a shy way and try my hardest to get the focus off of me.

I have the same problem. I basically try to hide in a closet all day on my birthday. There are tons of other examples I can think of, too, but don't want to bog down the thread.

I was thinking about those past experiences and realized the reason why i don't like social groups is most likely because when it gets around to my turn to talk i get this deep pressure of worrying how people are going to react to what i say.

So I think part of the problem you're talking about here is the negative association that results in anticipating painful responses from people. Do you think you would enjoy being the center of attention if you knew people were only thinking positively of you, with nothing negative at all?

I used to think this was part of my problem...that I was afraid of their criticisms. As I worked through those issues, I realized I didn't really want their positive regard, either. I just didn't want them focused on me at all. However, I don't mind doing public speaking, which is an occasional part of my job.

The difference is that, when I'm giving a presentation, people are more focused on the content of what I'm presenting rather than on me. If they "see" me at all, they're really only seeing a facade that I've created for those conferences, because I want the focus to be cleanly on the content of the conference/presentation, and I don't want my personal issues to be a distraction to anyone.

So talking in a group, like a small group meeting at church, becomes much the same process. Remove my personal idiosyncrasies as much as possible so that people can focus on the content of what I have to say.

Obviously, they might not like what I have to say, either. And that's where the other compensation approach comes in, of learning how to handle disagreement and criticism as being useful feedback rather than a personal attack, and learning how to see other people's rude and harmful reactions as reflections of their own issues, not of who I am. This can be really hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but I guess that's why I'm so obsessed with learning about neurotic personalities right now. If I can understand their mental processes a little better, then I hope that will help me maintain some emotional distance from their behavior.

(I'm a synaesthete and I have no idea if this is some kind of synaesthesia or if other people can physically feel that people are looking at them... I also get physical sensations when one of my kids is hurt or if I see images of violence/injury.)

This sounds like mirror-touch synesthesia, which I also have. Here's a good article: http://theweek.com/articles/576530/neurologist-mirrortouch-synesthesia

And yes, I feel an uncomfortable tingly sensation on my skin when I think other people are watching me, although I don't know if it's the same mechanism at work as mirror-touch synesthesia.

They think mirror-touch synesthesia is a result of over-active mirror neurons, whereas some experts theorize that autism is a result of under-active mirror neurons. So I'm not sure how I could have both. This is part of why I think the intense-world theory of autism is so insightful--it could explain how I exhibit both syndromes.

 

[hoeffelt]

I have the same problem. I basically try to hide in a closet all day on my birthday. There are tons of other examples I can think of, too, but don't want to bog down the thread.



So I think part of the problem you're talking about here is the negative association that results in anticipating painful responses from people. Do you think you would enjoy being the center of attention if you knew people were only thinking positively of you, with nothing negative at all?

I used to think this was part of my problem...that I was afraid of their criticisms. As I worked through those issues, I realized I didn't really want their positive regard, either. I just didn't want them focused on me at all. However, I don't mind doing public speaking, which is an occasional part of my job.

The difference is that, when I'm giving a presentation, people are more focused on the content of what I'm presenting rather than on me. If they "see" me at all, they're really only seeing a facade that I've created for those conferences, because I want the focus to be cleanly on the content of the conference/presentation, and I don't want my personal issues to be a distraction to anyone.

So talking in a group, like a small group meeting at church, becomes much the same process. Remove my personal idiosyncrasies as much as possible so that people can focus on the content of what I have to say.

Obviously, they might not like what I have to say, either. And that's where the other compensation approach comes in, of learning how to handle disagreement and criticism as being useful feedback rather than a personal attack, and learning how to see other people's rude and harmful reactions as reflections of their own issues, not of who I am. This can be really hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but I guess that's why I'm so obsessed with learning about neurotic personalities right now. If I can understand their mental processes a little better, then I hope that will help me maintain some emotional distance from their behavior.



This sounds like mirror-touch synesthesia, which I also have. Here's a good article: http://theweek.com/articles/576530/neurologist-mirrortouch-synesthesia

And yes, I feel an uncomfortable tingly sensation on my skin when I think other people are watching me, although I don't know if it's the same mechanism at work as mirror-touch synesthesia.

They think mirror-touch synesthesia is a result of over-active mirror neurons, whereas some experts theorize that autism is a result of under-active mirror neurons. So I'm not sure how I could have both. This is part of why I think the intense-world theory of autism is so insightful--it could explain how I exhibit both syndromes.

You know you're most likely right i don't think i would like being the center of attention even if it was all positive. How do you get rid of that negative feeling though, so you can present the topic or thought? Because i still think that having the feeling that theyre going to say something negative when im in the center of attention is a factor despite not liking the positive attention either.

To be specific the only social groups im in are in a church small group most people are really nice their but i still have an uneasyness and can sense that people can tell im kinda different. Its also very difficult for me to make conversation flow with any more than 1 person. I guess i really don't know how to hide my 'idiosyncrasies'. I also find that by time i think about what i want to say they have moved on in the conversation. :/

I take everything personally too, and worry that sometimes maybe its just me not viewing what was said in the right way, so something the person said could come across as rude or mean but it really wasn't their intention and i may be interpreting it that way. I also dont think it would be a good idea just to assume "oh its their problem when they say something rude or hurtful" because it honestly could be my problem :/ I know a lot of things are like obviously hurtful and rude comments but some i feel like i may be interpreting wrong but just don't know?

I have the same problem. I basically try to hide in a closet all day on my birthday. There are tons of other examples I can think of, too, but don't want to bog down the thread.



So I think part of the problem you're talking about here is the negative association that results in anticipating painful responses from people. Do you think you would enjoy being the center of attention if you knew people were only thinking positively of you, with nothing negative at all?

I used to think this was part of my problem...that I was afraid of their criticisms. As I worked through those issues, I realized I didn't really want their positive regard, either. I just didn't want them focused on me at all. However, I don't mind doing public speaking, which is an occasional part of my job.

The difference is that, when I'm giving a presentation, people are more focused on the content of what I'm presenting rather than on me. If they "see" me at all, they're really only seeing a facade that I've created for those conferences, because I want the focus to be cleanly on the content of the conference/presentation, and I don't want my personal issues to be a distraction to anyone.

So talking in a group, like a small group meeting at church, becomes much the same process. Remove my personal idiosyncrasies as much as possible so that people can focus on the content of what I have to say.

Obviously, they might not like what I have to say, either. And that's where the other compensation approach comes in, of learning how to handle disagreement and criticism as being useful feedback rather than a personal attack, and learning how to see other people's rude and harmful reactions as reflections of their own issues, not of who I am. This can be really hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but I guess that's why I'm so obsessed with learning about neurotic personalities right now. If I can understand their mental processes a little better, then I hope that will help me maintain some emotional distance from their behavior.



This sounds like mirror-touch synesthesia, which I also have. Here's a good article: http://theweek.com/articles/576530/neurologist-mirrortouch-synesthesia

And yes, I feel an uncomfortable tingly sensation on my skin when I think other people are watching me, although I don't know if it's the same mechanism at work as mirror-touch synesthesia.

They think mirror-touch synesthesia is a result of over-active mirror neurons, whereas some experts theorize that autism is a result of under-active mirror neurons. So I'm not sure how I could have both. This is part of why I think the intense-world theory of autism is so insightful--it could explain how I exhibit both syndromes.

 

[weth]

When I was a teenager I didn't really mind rocking out in front of however many people but entering my 20's it became something I grew to hate doing to the point that I left the bands I was in and haven't played my guitar in about 7 years. As for birthdays it's just another day for me I hate the attention so I'm thankful I have a very small family who understand me pretty well

 

[DogwoodTree]

How do you get rid of that negative feeling though, so you can present the topic or thought?

I don't think I ever fully get rid of it. I just keep practicing. It helps that I see myself as a lifelong learner. So if someone presents an idea that conflicts with something I just said, it's okay to say that I don't know the answer, or that I need to think about that more or do some research. Being willing to see myself as less than perfect helps a lot, but I'm not perfect at that, either.

For me, I have a really hard time seeing myself as my own individual around others, especially seeing myself as an adult around adults (even though I'm in my 40s). So this is an area I've had to do an awful lot of work on, and still have a very long ways to go. Recognizing in my mind that I have just as much right to my own opinion and experience of reality as others have to theirs helps. Not taking responsibility for other people's emotions helps (it's okay for someone else to be sad or angry--that doesn't mean I have to do anything to try to fix it). It's not all that important to make sure everyone likes me. It's okay for me to walk into a room and not wonder what I need to do to make everyone like me, but instead to wonder whether I like them. None of this comes naturally for me. I was groomed all of my life to be responsible for other people's emotions, and it's a really deep rut to get out of. But it's okay to disagree. It's okay to think differently on something. Very, very slowly, I'm learning to value differences of opinions on things rather than feeling threatened by it.

To be specific the only social groups im in are in a church small group most people are really nice their but i still have an uneasyness and can sense that people can tell im kinda different. Its also very difficult for me to make conversation flow with any more than 1 person. I guess i really don't know how to hide my 'idiosyncrasies'. I also find that by time i think about what i want to say they have moved on in the conversation. :/

Yeah, I really struggle with all of this, too...you nailed it. Lately, I've hardly bothered at all to go to church because it's just too much work. It's like there's all these layers of skills that have to be "on" all at the same time in order for this to work...in order to be able to say anything of substance at all during a group meeting. The last time it happened, when I was able to voice my opinion on something that I felt strongly about, I came across too strongly and I think I hurt some people's feelings.

I didn't want to be argumentative, but damn, the same ol' scripts about a particularly painful issue just weren't cutting it for me. I watched them engage in the exact same conversation I've heard from other groups or other times on this issue, and saw they were coming to the exact same conclusion, and they couldn't see for themselves that there was absolutely nothing new being said on this. And I hated it. It was disgusting. Can we just have one original thought about this? Can we have a truly thoughtful conversation that challenges the status quo for once? Can we please ask some questions that don't have simple, boxed answers?

Anyway, I mentally tapped into the emotional energy I was feeling, and let that drive me past all my defenses and resistances. But like I said, I ended up coming across pretty strongly (although I didn't yell or cuss...I just wouldn't take any pat answers to my questions, and that seemed to be rocking the boat pretty hard), but that wasn't my goal, either.

There's a serious drawback, though, of hiding our idiosyncrasies. We can't be truly loved if we're not truly known. By faking it all the time, we're hiding behind a mask that blocks others from knowing us. That's where my real struggle is. I know that what's behind the mask is not often pleasant, and can be very confusing. I feel like I'm always trying to protect people from the real me. As I've slowly let down the mask over the past couple of years, people have been really turned off. Nearly everyone has either gotten angry or quietly drifted away, with only a few exceptions, and those people still get a pretty cleaned up version of me. Like you said here...

I take everything personally too, and worry that sometimes maybe its just me not viewing what was said in the right way, so something the person said could come across as rude or mean but it really wasn't their intention and i may be interpreting it that way. I also dont think it would be a good idea just to assume "oh its their problem when they say something rude or hurtful" because it honestly could be my problem :/ I know a lot of things are like obviously hurtful and rude comments but some i feel like i may be interpreting wrong but just don't know?

...I totally get that. When have I screwed up out of my ignorance, vs when are they just being over-reactive? I don't trust my own interpretation of reality much at all anymore. So I find myself shutting down any efforts at socializing, and avoiding people so as to protect them. I don't know the answer to this. Maybe someone else can add some insights. I hope the conversation continues so we can both put some of the pieces together.

 

[Beverly]

being a social misfit and, a disaster in social situations is something I've had to deal with my entire life. Yes it got me bullied and ridiculed in school, but I suppose they needed someone around to make them feel superior and, fate dictated that it would be me.

I was fortunate to find my lifelong career at a young age and, I've had people helping me, teaching me and, guiding me into the social arena ever since. I'm by no means perfect at it, but I've learned a few things over the years, and socializing is okay now. Draining when I have to do it because of my career, that's a bunch of fake smiles, pandering and air kissing done for show and, to hide your true feelings and opinions of each other. But I do enjoy it when I choose the people I'm socializing with.

Depending on who I choose, they may not know I'm on the spectrum so, I still need to use what I've learned and, keep most of my façade in play or, they might be my inner circle, in which case, they can just put up with the motor mouthed Aspie here thaty's going to tell them everything she knows about anything they discuss and, going to tell them what she thinks of everything about them that day whter they ask or not.

With them, we joke, laugh, sometimes at my expense when something flies over my head again, but that's cool because I sometimes get to laugh at their expense too.

Half of it is learning how to socialize as if it were a job, the other half is finding the people you can relax and really socialize with for fun. It doesn't hurt to learn to laugh at yourself when you are with your inner circle. Even NTs mess up, say the wrong thing, loose their words, miss a joke, etc it's just that we do it more often. I finally discovered that most NTs chuckle, blush and blow it off when that happens to them and I started doing the same when it happened to me. Not so bad, they still laugh but at least I'm laughing at my "aspieness" right along with them. Just have to be a bit more objective about yourself and, I'd bet you'll see the humor in your goofs sometimes too. that and, try not to tell them everything about everything unless they know you well and, know that's part of your charm, then, yap away until they tell you to take a chill pill. LOL

 

[hoeffelt]

I don't think I ever fully get rid of it. I just keep practicing. It helps that I see myself as a lifelong learner. So if someone presents an idea that conflicts with something I just said, it's okay to say that I don't know the answer, or that I need to think about that more or do some research. Being willing to see myself as less than perfect helps a lot, but I'm not perfect at that, either.

For me, I have a really hard time seeing myself as my own individual around others, especially seeing myself as an adult around adults (even though I'm in my 40s). So this is an area I've had to do an awful lot of work on, and still have a very long ways to go. Recognizing in my mind that I have just as much right to my own opinion and experience of reality as others have to theirs helps. Not taking responsibility for other people's emotions helps (it's okay for someone else to be sad or angry--that doesn't mean I have to do anything to try to fix it). It's not all that important to make sure everyone likes me. It's okay for me to walk into a room and not wonder what I need to do to make everyone like me, but instead to wonder whether I like them. None of this comes naturally for me. I was groomed all of my life to be responsible for other people's emotions, and it's a really deep rut to get out of. But it's okay to disagree. It's okay to think differently on something. Very, very slowly, I'm learning to value differences of opinions on things rather than feeling threatened by it.



Yeah, I really struggle with all of this, too...you nailed it. Lately, I've hardly bothered at all to go to church because it's just too much work. It's like there's all these layers of skills that have to be "on" all at the same time in order for this to work...in order to be able to say anything of substance at all during a group meeting. The last time it happened, when I was able to voice my opinion on something that I felt strongly about, I came across too strongly and I think I hurt some people's feelings.

I didn't want to be argumentative, but damn, the same ol' scripts about a particularly painful issue just weren't cutting it for me. I watched them engage in the exact same conversation I've heard from other groups or other times on this issue, and saw they were coming to the exact same conclusion, and they couldn't see for themselves that there was absolutely nothing new being said on this. And I hated it. It was disgusting. Can we just have one original thought about this? Can we have a truly thoughtful conversation that challenges the status quo for once? Can we please ask some questions that don't have simple, boxed answers?

Anyway, I mentally tapped into the emotional energy I was feeling, and let that drive me past all my defenses and resistances. But like I said, I ended up coming across pretty strongly (although I didn't yell or cuss...I just wouldn't take any pat answers to my questions, and that seemed to be rocking the boat pretty hard), but that wasn't my goal, either.

There's a serious drawback, though, of hiding our idiosyncrasies. We can't be truly loved if we're not truly known. By faking it all the time, we're hiding behind a mask that blocks others from knowing us. That's where my real struggle is. I know that what's behind the mask is not often pleasant, and can be very confusing. I feel like I'm always trying to protect people from the real me. As I've slowly let down the mask over the past couple of years, people have been really turned off. Nearly everyone has either gotten angry or quietly drifted away, with only a few exceptions, and those people still get a pretty cleaned up version of me. Like you said here...



...I totally get that. When have I screwed up out of my ignorance, vs when are they just being over-reactive? I don't trust my own interpretation of reality much at all anymore. So I find myself shutting down any efforts at socializing, and avoiding people so as to protect them. I don't know the answer to this. Maybe someone else can add some insights. I hope the conversation continues so we can both put some of the pieces together.

About people drifting away, i have that with most relationships. After i graduated high school all the people i talked to drifted away. A lot of people at church have seen who I am. I am kind of 50-50 half the time ill wear the mask and half the time i wont and even sometimes ill only wear part of the mask. There are times of my life that i have had a rough time and i have met with guys at the church individually for dinner and talked about issues in life and all. Which some of them helped which is awesome. But others withdrawl from me. They always say be open about lifes struggles. But when people ask you "how have you been?" And I answer honestly that i haven't been the greatest. The people that withdrawl will be like "oh well hope all gets better, i gotta get going see ya" than im left thinking "okay....well maybe i shouldn't seek advice, and talk to people about life, maybe i should just bundle all my emotions inside and hide"

 

[DogwoodTree]

They always say be open about lifes struggles. But when people ask you "how have you been?" And I answer honestly that i haven't been the greatest. The people that withdrawl will be like "oh well hope all gets better, i gotta get going see ya" than im left thinking "okay....well maybe i shouldn't seek advice, and talk to people about life, maybe i should just bundle all my emotions inside and hide"

I hear you. Same confusion here. I think, what it boils down to, is that most people can't be trusted with the truth. They say they want you to open up, but really, they don't have a clue how to handle other people's real problems. Or maybe they think that just the fact you told them you're not all that great is enough support, and that's all they're obligated to do. I don't know.

I've found that the more I hold it in, the more supportive people try to be if they ever do find out anything about me. But "supportive" is relative...I've also found that most of what they think is supportive, simply isn't for me. Like...maybe they think offering a hug will help me feel better, but it doesn't. I don't like hugs. Maybe they think a sad face will help, but it doesn't. Problem is, I don't actually know what would help, so I stopped complaining and stopped looking for help, other than my therapist. But his job isn't to make me feel better. His job is to challenge me.

I think it is good to seek advice, but it's important to be very, very careful who you seek advice from. Most people rely on platitudes and cliches, which aren't helpful and can actually be very harmful.

And then it's important to have more than one person you turn to for support. Each person should be completely free to say no to your request for support, otherwise you risk getting into a codependent style relationship. But that means you need more than one person as an option, and you need to have tools for handling the tough stuff by yourself if necessary.

As far as sharing emotions, maybe this doesn't apply to you, but...I thought my problem was that I was willfully holding back from people, and I had no right to be angry about not feeling connected with people if I didn't make myself trust them enough to be honest with them about what I felt inside. About a year ago, I started seeing a therapist to try to work through all of that. Turns out, even though I trust my T, I've not been able to share my emotions with him, either. It's not about choosing differently. There's something wacky with my neurology or something that keeps everything locked inside. I can't just choose to share my emotions. It doesn't work. So now what do I do?

All that to say, I really do hear you on how much it sucks to not have a support system that actually seems to make a difference inside. Seems like other people can do this so easily. I sit at a coffee shop and watch 2 or 3 women chatting and sharing their struggles and emoting with each other and they seem to enjoy it so easily. Why can't I do that? There's a cute video going around Facebook of a baby otter snuggling on his mama's belly while she floats in the water. It's obvious they're enjoying being with each other, and they feel safe and comfortable with each other. Why can't I do that? Even a freakin' dog socializes better than I do. Why do I have to jump through all these psychological hoops to find the smallest inkling of connection with another human being?? It makes me angry, and it hurts so bad. But there's no comfort to be had from anyone for it.

I told my T the other day, if I can't connect with other human beings, then durnit I'm going to learn how to do inner solitude really well. I hate that. I want to scream and cry and be comforted by someone else in this, but it doesn't happen. Nothing comes out, and nothing gets in. My insides are ripping apart, but there's no sign of it on the surface. My T says not to give up on the longing for connection, that it's in the longing that connection is found. 42 years and counting, and it's still not worked. Even Moses only had to wait 40 years in the desert.

So for now, for me, the only answer I've really got is "inner solitude." It's not really a solution. But for now, it's all I know to do, that and Star Trek reruns. It hurts like hell. But I've tried everything else I know to do.

What about you? Do you have anyone at all who you feel connected with? Is this just a groups issue for you, or is it equally a problem with individual friends?

 

[Cosmophylla]

So talking in a group, like a small group meeting at church, becomes much the same process. Remove my personal idiosyncrasies as much as possible so that people can focus on the content of what I have to say.

Yes, this is one excellent trick to use to bypass that self-doubt we feel when speaking in front of others. Focus on the content, not the messenger (in this case, oneself).

This sounds like mirror-touch synesthesia, which I also have. Here's a good article: http://theweek.com/articles/576530/neurologist-mirrortouch-synesthesia

And yes, I feel an uncomfortable tingly sensation on my skin when I think other people are watching me, although I don't know if it's the same mechanism at work as mirror-touch synesthesia.

I admit I'd been wondering if my physical responses to seeing others' pain, etc., was mirror-touch synaesthesia. I always assumed the sensations had to be exactly the same, just like a mirror, so I discounted my experiences. For example, I don't feel the sharpness of a blade cutting someone else's skin, but I do experience a painful tingling sensation. Thanks for the great article; I really enjoyed reading it...it reflected my own experiences very well. As an aside, I have always likened the physical tingling/awareness I get when being looked at to the "sixth sense". I don't actually think it is, it just brings it to mind. It's as though my body is able to perceive the others' gaze moving through space and displacing particles until it falls on me. Like electromagnetic radiation, or dark matter, or something we cannot see with our eyes. That is how it feels to me. Weird, huh?

I also find that by time i think about what i want to say they have moved on in the conversation. :/

Yes, I play catchup a LOT. So in groups I tend to sit and listen rather than bother trying to contribute because by the time I do it's too late!

 

[Cosmophylla]

DogwoodTree, Star Trek reruns are one of my staples when I feel hopeless, too. They remind me that even if things are crap now, humanity can learn and improve. Escapism is a good coping mechanism, I think. Do events in Star Trek, or other forms of fiction, elicit emotional responses in you? I am no expert but instinct tells me that, for example, crying over something you watch or read is just as valid and cathartic as crying over your own emotional pain.

 

[hoeffelt]

I hear you. Same confusion here. I think, what it boils down to, is that most people can't be trusted with the truth. They say they want you to open up, but really, they don't have a clue how to handle other people's real problems. Or maybe they think that just the fact you told them you're not all that great is enough support, and that's all they're obligated to do. I don't know.

I've found that the more I hold it in, the more supportive people try to be if they ever do find out anything about me. But "supportive" is relative...I've also found that most of what they think is supportive, simply isn't for me. Like...maybe they think offering a hug will help me feel better, but it doesn't. I don't like hugs. Maybe they think a sad face will help, but it doesn't. Problem is, I don't actually know what would help, so I stopped complaining and stopped looking for help, other than my therapist. But his job isn't to make me feel better. His job is to challenge me.

I think it is good to seek advice, but it's important to be very, very careful who you seek advice from. Most people rely on platitudes and cliches, which aren't helpful and can actually be very harmful.

And then it's important to have more than one person you turn to for support. Each person should be completely free to say no to your request for support, otherwise you risk getting into a codependent style relationship. But that means you need more than one person as an option, and you need to have tools for handling the tough stuff by yourself if necessary.

As far as sharing emotions, maybe this doesn't apply to you, but...I thought my problem was that I was willfully holding back from people, and I had no right to be angry about not feeling connected with people if I didn't make myself trust them enough to be honest with them about what I felt inside. About a year ago, I started seeing a therapist to try to work through all of that. Turns out, even though I trust my T, I've not been able to share my emotions with him, either. It's not about choosing differently. There's something wacky with my neurology or something that keeps everything locked inside. I can't just choose to share my emotions. It doesn't work. So now what do I do?

All that to say, I really do hear you on how much it sucks to not have a support system that actually seems to make a difference inside. Seems like other people can do this so easily. I sit at a coffee shop and watch 2 or 3 women chatting and sharing their struggles and emoting with each other and they seem to enjoy it so easily. Why can't I do that? There's a cute video going around Facebook of a baby otter snuggling on his mama's belly while she floats in the water. It's obvious they're enjoying being with each other, and they feel safe and comfortable with each other. Why can't I do that? Even a freakin' dog socializes better than I do. Why do I have to jump through all these psychological hoops to find the smallest inkling of connection with another human being?? It makes me angry, and it hurts so bad. But there's no comfort to be had from anyone for it.

I told my T the other day, if I can't connect with other human beings, then durnit I'm going to learn how to do inner solitude really well. I hate that. I want to scream and cry and be comforted by someone else in this, but it doesn't happen. Nothing comes out, and nothing gets in. My insides are ripping apart, but there's no sign of it on the surface. My T says not to give up on the longing for connection, that it's in the longing that connection is found. 42 years and counting, and it's still not worked. Even Moses only had to wait 40 years in the desert.

So for now, for me, the only answer I've really got is "inner solitude." It's not really a solution. But for now, it's all I know to do, that and Star Trek reruns. It hurts like hell. But I've tried everything else I know to do.

What about you? Do you have anyone at all who you feel connected with? Is this just a groups issue for you, or is it equally a problem with individual friends?

I would say that i share kinda like all or none when it comes to emotions. Like a lot of times i have cried about things. Particularly when i had big issues with my ex who started using drugs and cheated on me. I was very badly emotionally hurt in the situation especially because i had shared with this girl like pretty much all of who i was. The people at my church helped so much, and without them idk how i would have made ot through. I do look back and think....?....hmm how stupid did i look a 21 year old crying in the way i did....

I do notice lately i have been emotionally numb....which is different than I used to be. Probs not a good thing, i dont like it either.....

I look back at a lot of things and notice that im probs over reacting to a lot of things, had a foot injury and had to get a shot in the foot and i was totally freaking out and afterwards i was like? That wasn't that bad....and i feel kinda embarrassed because the way i acted :/ I did same thing with my finger getting stitches....i think its due to tactile issues.

I myself like hugs most of the time, more often than not, i like the feeling of arms wrapping around me, i feel comforted by it. But it depends on the time.

Also its mainly in groups that i have trouble connecting, i can connect decently one on one. But still have troubles figuring out what to talk about and will often revert to talking about my special interest. I don't currently have any close friends. I could probs say im on border of having people be friends and acquaintances. They're like right inbetween.

I hear you. Same confusion here. I think, what it boils down to, is that most people can't be trusted with the truth. They say they want you to open up, but really, they don't have a clue how to handle other people's real problems. Or maybe they think that just the fact you told them you're not all that great is enough support, and that's all they're obligated to do. I don't know.

I've found that the more I hold it in, the more supportive people try to be if they ever do find out anything about me. But "supportive" is relative...I've also found that most of what they think is supportive, simply isn't for me. Like...maybe they think offering a hug will help me feel better, but it doesn't. I don't like hugs. Maybe they think a sad face will help, but it doesn't. Problem is, I don't actually know what would help, so I stopped complaining and stopped looking for help, other than my therapist. But his job isn't to make me feel better. His job is to challenge me.

I think it is good to seek advice, but it's important to be very, very careful who you seek advice from. Most people rely on platitudes and cliches, which aren't helpful and can actually be very harmful.

And then it's important to have more than one person you turn to for support. Each person should be completely free to say no to your request for support, otherwise you risk getting into a codependent style relationship. But that means you need more than one person as an option, and you need to have tools for handling the tough stuff by yourself if necessary.

As far as sharing emotions, maybe this doesn't apply to you, but...I thought my problem was that I was willfully holding back from people, and I had no right to be angry about not feeling connected with people if I didn't make myself trust them enough to be honest with them about what I felt inside. About a year ago, I started seeing a therapist to try to work through all of that. Turns out, even though I trust my T, I've not been able to share my emotions with him, either. It's not about choosing differently. There's something wacky with my neurology or something that keeps everything locked inside. I can't just choose to share my emotions. It doesn't work. So now what do I do?

All that to say, I really do hear you on how much it sucks to not have a support system that actually seems to make a difference inside. Seems like other people can do this so easily. I sit at a coffee shop and watch 2 or 3 women chatting and sharing their struggles and emoting with each other and they seem to enjoy it so easily. Why can't I do that? There's a cute video going around Facebook of a baby otter snuggling on his mama's belly while she floats in the water. It's obvious they're enjoying being with each other, and they feel safe and comfortable with each other. Why can't I do that? Even a freakin' dog socializes better than I do. Why do I have to jump through all these psychological hoops to find the smallest inkling of connection with another human being?? It makes me angry, and it hurts so bad. But there's no comfort to be had from anyone for it.

I told my T the other day, if I can't connect with other human beings, then durnit I'm going to learn how to do inner solitude really well. I hate that. I want to scream and cry and be comforted by someone else in this, but it doesn't happen. Nothing comes out, and nothing gets in. My insides are ripping apart, but there's no sign of it on the surface. My T says not to give up on the longing for connection, that it's in the longing that connection is found. 42 years and counting, and it's still not worked. Even Moses only had to wait 40 years in the desert.

So for now, for me, the only answer I've really got is "inner solitude." It's not really a solution. But for now, it's all I know to do, that and Star Trek reruns. It hurts like hell. But I've tried everything else I know to do.

What about you? Do you have anyone at all who you feel connected with? Is this just a groups issue for you, or is it equally a problem with individual friends?

 

[DogwoodTree]

Do events in Star Trek, or other forms of fiction, elicit emotional responses in you?

Sometimes, somewhat.

I am no expert but instinct tells me that, for example, crying over something you watch or read is just as valid and cathartic as crying over your own emotional pain.

It might be somewhat cathartic, but not connective. Emotions are supposed to draw people together, right? But it doesn't work that way for me. Like the OP here, being the focus of someone's attention is so uncomfortable, there's no space for pleasure in it. Like you said...being looked at feels like tiny pellets or something hitting my skin. I've not yet found a way to relax and just be with someone. Task orientation is much, much easier to do.

I wonder if this really is about social anxiety, or if there's something much more pervasive going on?

 

[Beverly]

I guess I never expected to connect emotionally with everyone I consider a friend, sure I can relax and, I like spending time with them, but I don't get upset just because they are and, I don't show my emotions to them unless it's really a big deal to me, and that's rare.

I expect to display myself as being on a pretty even keel emotionally most of the time, sure something will make me smile or laugh quite often but, that's just casual, social reactions to immediate events or sayings or whatever. Mostly I am on an even keel, until I'm pushing a meltdown, then if I don't ease up, nothing I can do to stop it beyond a certain point and, if you're there, you get in on it.

I just accepted it as normal that I don't share every emotion my friends and family feel and, I don't feel emotions as strongly as most people seem to, or don't react as illogically as they do at least. I mean what good does all of that shouting, crying, screaming and carrying on do anyway? it doesn't even make a fraction of a dent toward solving the problem it's about, and if it's grief, it doesn't bring the lost thing or person back so, what good is it to waste all of that energy? I don't do it, it would be a very fake act if I did and, that's worse to me that simply saying I understand but, don't share their feelings.

 

[Azul-Infinito]

I dont know if this is because of ASD , in regards to maybe impart related to being a sensory thing, where it feels overwhelming. I think it has a lot to do with personality. I know some people that thrive on being the center of attention, and i fail to see the value of it? Like people that want to be famous? I fail to see how being famous would be enjoyable? It seems like it'd be miserable for me.

I much rather stay under the radar. If i need or want to draw attention to myself, it is done on my terms so that i may keep some control over it.