Social Anxiety

[texkag]

Does anyone else suffer like this?
Today I went to a post diagnostic support group. I had tried to get to the group for months but something always got in the way. I travelled for over an hour to be there. It started off well. I sat in the front, I chatted briefly to someone who turned out to be a staff member; and then clammed up.
I didn't say a word for the hour and a half I was there. I wanted to; but I couldn't. All the time panic was building up inside me. At the break I went outside to try to calm down, I did this twice but after the last time I went back in I lasted less than five minutes before I grabbed my coat and bolted for the door.
By the time I got back to my car I was shaking and ended up sobbing at the wheel. Others on the spectrum who were there seemed to be perfectly comfortable talking amongst what was a group of thirty or more people. Even amongst a room of others with ASD I ended up feeling like the odd one out. I am so sick of feeling like a freak.
What's worse is that I have an interview coming up for a counselling course I have been thinking of doing for a long time now, with a view of maybe becoming a counsellor. Now my confidence is shot to pieces. How could I have fooled myself into thinking I could so such a thing when I can't even sit in a room with other people who have the same condition as me?
My confidence is at an all time low now. Sometimes I wonder if I should be around people at all.
Maybe I delude myself into thinking that I'm making progress in the social world. Right now I'm sick of putting myself through the ringer all the time, to achieve what? It's like I don't know how to be me! I don't know who I am. It's like I am unacceptable, and if I stop trying to be like 'them', I'll be trapped in this tiny little life forever!
I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant, but does anyone else feel like this?

 

[Gritches]

30+? For a group visited by people with social anxiety? This is the type of thing you need to say out loud to realize how ridiculous it is. That wasn't your fault. 30+ is way too big.

I used to have the level of social anxiety you describe. At one point, I couldn't summon the courage to order a cheeseburger, if I could even be in a restaurant with more than 3 or 4 people. Now I can speak in front of a packed auditorium without breaking a sweat, something I never thought I'd be able to do, period.

You've probably heard a whole lot about exposure therapy. It works, but there's more to it than just tying you to a stake in the middle of a busy Wal-mart until you're not scared anymore. To effectively apply exposure therapy on your own, there are a few things you should know that a mental health professional will probably never tell you.

To start with, realize that it's going to be a very long and gradual process. Social anxiety isn't merely a fear of a single stimulus (social settings); people with social anxiety typically have it because they've been seriously hurt previously in life in a social context. There is no two ways about it, that damage needs to be undone at the same time as social confidence is built. The product of those two things is self-confidence in general.

The way that worked for me is that I got involved with one person who showed me kindness, something I hadn't really experienced to that point, then two people, then four people (over the course of like 5 years, it wasn't quick). In the end, it wasn't the typical target stimulus of exposure therapy that was desensitized, it was numerous other social stimuli that had to do with my socially traumatic past, which seems more-or-less universal for Aspies. Those stimuli I speculate were Speaking-->Pain, People Speaking to Me-->Pain, and Being Around People-->Pain. None of those were some generic Social Setting-->Pain stimulus, it was the reasons underlying it, which are neglected in general by psychotherapy. Get it?

The other thing to be mindful of is your limitations, because pushing too far and crashing and burning can be a major setback. Like I say, 30+ people is way too big for anyone at all with social anxiety. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Exposure therapy will tell you to push outside your comfort zone; that's not necessarily wrong, but don't take that too terribly far to avoid progress-wiping-out setbacks. I guess what I mean is to err on the side of your comfort zone.

Sorry if you weren't really looking for something like this, I just like to try to undo the damage the world of psychology has done and stop a cycle of dependency and further damage. I have fixed so many of my own problems and not one of the dozens of psychologists I've seen has had anything to do with it, apart from showing me what doesn't work. Psychology isn't some arcane art, don't be afraid to read about it and make up your own mind and help yourself. We live in the age of the internet - information no longer belongs exclusively to the wealthy and powerful, take advantage of that, everyone.

 

[Grandmother B]

Does anyone else suffer like this?
Today I went to a post diagnostic support group. I had tried to get to the group for months but something always got in the way. I travelled for over an hour to be there. It started off well. I sat in the front, I chatted briefly to someone who turned out to be a staff member; and then clammed up.
I didn't say a word for the hour and a half I was there. I wanted to; but I couldn't. All the time panic was building up inside me. At the break I went outside to try to calm down, I did this twice but after the last time I went back in I lasted less than five minutes before I grabbed my coat and bolted for the door.
By the time I got back to my car I was shaking and ended up sobbing at the wheel. Others on the spectrum who were there seemed to be perfectly comfortable talking amongst what was a group of thirty or more people. Even amongst a room of others with ASD I ended up feeling like the odd one out. I am so sick of feeling like a freak.
What's worse is that I have an interview coming up for a counselling course I have been thinking of doing for a long time now, with a view of maybe becoming a counsellor. Now my confidence is shot to pieces. How could I have fooled myself into thinking I could so such a thing when I can't even sit in a room with other people who have the same condition as me?
My confidence is at an all time low now. Sometimes I wonder if I should be around people at all.
Maybe I delude myself into thinking that I'm making progress in the social world. Right now I'm sick of putting myself through the ringer all the time, to achieve what? It's like I don't know how to be me! I don't know who I am. It's like I am unacceptable, and if I stop trying to be like 'them', I'll be trapped in this tiny little life forever!
I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant, but does anyone else feel like this?

I like what the first person below said, about not exposing yourself to too many people at a time. There also is a website called www.aspergerexperts.com that is run by two guys with Asperger's and they have a lot of free videos and advice. Check it out! Best of luck to you!

 

[ladybug]

Does anyone else suffer like this?
Today I went to a post diagnostic support group. I had tried to get to the group for months but something always got in the way. I travelled for over an hour to be there. It started off well. I sat in the front, I chatted briefly to someone who turned out to be a staff member; and then clammed up.
I didn't say a word for the hour and a half I was there. I wanted to; but I couldn't. All the time panic was building up inside me. At the break I went outside to try to calm down, I did this twice but after the last time I went back in I lasted less than five minutes before I grabbed my coat and bolted for the door.
By the time I got back to my car I was shaking and ended up sobbing at the wheel. Others on the spectrum who were there seemed to be perfectly comfortable talking amongst what was a group of thirty or more people. Even amongst a room of others with ASD I ended up feeling like the odd one out. I am so sick of feeling like a freak.
What's worse is that I have an interview coming up for a counselling course I have been thinking of doing for a long time now, with a view of maybe becoming a counsellor. Now my confidence is shot to pieces. How could I have fooled myself into thinking I could so such a thing when I can't even sit in a room with other people who have the same condition as me?
My confidence is at an all time low now. Sometimes I wonder if I should be around people at all.
Maybe I delude myself into thinking that I'm making progress in the social world. Right now I'm sick of putting myself through the ringer all the time, to achieve what? It's like I don't know how to be me! I don't know who I am. It's like I am unacceptable, and if I stop trying to be like 'them', I'll be trapped in this tiny little life forever!
I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant, but does anyone else feel like this?

just reading this.... and I thought, you say that everyone with your condition could be there, in the room , with 30 (that's a HUGE amount!!) but you don't know how many times they've all been in and out the room over the weeks...months ... years....??

be kind to yourself..... be proud, you did it at all..!! ok so you got overloaded.... But jeez...!! 30 is a lot... even for someone who doesn't have social anxiety...!!

 

[texkag]

30+? For a group visited by people with social anxiety? This is the type of thing you need to say out loud to realize how ridiculous it is. That wasn't your fault. 30+ is way too big.

I used to have the level of social anxiety you describe. At one point, I couldn't summon the courage to order a cheeseburger, if I could even be in a restaurant with more than 3 or 4 people. Now I can speak in front of a packed auditorium without breaking a sweat, something I never thought I'd be able to do, period.

You've probably heard a whole lot about exposure therapy. It works, but there's more to it than just tying you to a stake in the middle of a busy Wal-mart until you're not scared anymore. To effectively apply exposure therapy on your own, there are a few things you should know that a mental health professional will probably never tell you.

To start with, realize that it's going to be a very long and gradual process. Social anxiety isn't merely a fear of a single stimulus (social settings); people with social anxiety typically have it because they've been seriously hurt previously in life in a social context. There is no two ways about it, that damage needs to be undone at the same time as social confidence is built. The product of those two things is self-confidence in general.

The way that worked for me is that I got involved with one person who showed me kindness, something I hadn't really experienced to that point, then two people, then four people (over the course of like 5 years, it wasn't quick). In the end, it wasn't the typical target stimulus of exposure therapy that was desensitized, it was numerous other social stimuli that had to do with my socially traumatic past, which seems more-or-less universal for Aspies. Those stimuli I speculate were Speaking-->Pain, People Speaking to Me-->Pain, and Being Around People-->Pain. None of those were some generic Social Setting-->Pain stimulus, it was the reasons underlying it, which are neglected in general by psychotherapy. Get it?

The other thing to be mindful of is your limitations, because pushing too far and crashing and burning can be a major setback. Like I say, 30+ people is way too big for anyone at all with social anxiety. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Exposure therapy will tell you to push outside your comfort zone; that's not necessarily wrong, but don't take that too terribly far to avoid progress-wiping-out setbacks. I guess what I mean is to err on the side of your comfort zone.

Sorry if you weren't really looking for something like this, I just like to try to undo the damage the world of psychology has done and stop a cycle of dependency and further damage. I have fixed so many of my own problems and not one of the dozens of psychologists I've seen has had anything to do with it, apart from showing me what doesn't work. Psychology isn't some arcane art, don't be afraid to read about it and make up your own mind and help yourself. We live in the age of the internet - information no longer belongs exclusively to the wealthy and powerful, take advantage of that, everyone.

Thanks Gritches. I appreciate your feedback. I think that your right on the money. I have returned to my senses somewhat overnight. I now realize that I did what I always do and simply blamed myself for not being as strong as everyone else socially, even others on the spectrum; even though I know that this makes no sense. Also I was attending a post diagnostic support group, the vast majority of people who attended were aspies or auties, so you would assume that they would have had someone on hand to welcome new people. I definitely pushed myself too far. I would be interested to know a bit more about the process you went through and what books, websites and so forth were of help to you. I think I need to put everything else to one side and work on this. It's always a tightrope walk trying to accept who I am as an aspie and trying to push myself beyond my socially isolated life.

 

[texkag]

I like what the first person below said, about not exposing yourself to too many people at a time. There also is a website called www.aspergerexperts.com that is run by two guys with Asperger's and they have a lot of free videos and advice. Check it out! Best of luck to you!

Thanks Grandmother B, I will definitely check out the website.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I started a Meetup group and got 18 members and 2 meetings (in the first MONTH) with 4 participants at each. After that, it was the same 2-4 people showing up, so we just planned things together instead of being "formal."

However, I was asked to facilitate Support Groups and some Functions for our local Autism Society. We get anywhere from 5- maybe 15 (?) <-- I think that's a lot.

We go around the room and introduce ourselves (if people want) and they pass if they don't. I'm extremely social, so some will approach me when I arrive, because they either 1) recognize me or 2) want to speak or share something with me.

However, we don't always connect, but we can communicate over the Internet. I will admit that not everyone in the group at any given time, is strictly the same or different than anyone else.

There are some people I've never met other than the group, there are some who attend with their parents, there are some who show up and just listen, and sometimes, it only takes one comment from one person to make you realize you two might have something in common.

It's always easier to start a conversation if you are commenting on something you sincerely enjoy and share an interest. Such as, if you hear him talking about a Renaissance Fair you might start speaking to him (when the meeting is not in session) by telling him that you've gone before, or have always been interested, or even if you are simply interested in the arms or weapons or crafts of that time.

That's how ASD friendships from meetings usually start. You might decide to show up only when a topic interests you. The most important thing we did (at my Meetup) was to assure everyone that -- even if it was only the confines of the room -- everyone together at that time are considered "friends" to each other.

Not "close friends," but people you might share some words and experiences with. One lady has attended two meetings; I was there for both. She was fretting, tearful, felt out-of-place, felt lost being in a new place with no support (or access to therapy/meds due to lack of Dr.).

At the first meeting, I gave her liaison the name of a counselor who I felt would be wonderful for her, and due to the background of the counselor, she'd be able to ease at least some of her fear and anxiety.

At the second meeting, she sat next to me, still looking unsure and a little less tearful. At break, she told me that the liaison was taking too long to get things done, so SHE HAD TAKEN THE INITIATIVE to call the contact I suggested, and that she had an appointment scheduled.

She was still a bit apprehensive, but you could see the relief in her eyes that someone understood. Even though the group sees my "outer facade" of laid-back, calm, cool, collected, comfortable, funny, helpful, etc. ..... by the time I get home, I'm physically and emotionally (and intelligently) exhausted -- so I have to unwind for another month before I do it again.

 

[texkag]

just reading this.... and I thought, you say that everyone with your condition could be there, in the room , with 30 (that's a HUGE amount!!) but you don't know how many times they've all been in and out the room over the weeks...months ... years....??

be kind to yourself..... be proud, you did it at all..!! ok so you got overloaded.... But jeez...!! 30 is a lot... even for someone who doesn't have social anxiety...!!

Thanks Ladybug. I expect too much of myself sometimes. Your right, I did it; I stayed for most of the session despite wanting to bolt. I have decided that I'm going to go back to next months session to see if i can stay for the whole thing. I'll be sitting at the back though!

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I just read your response to Ladybug. I'm so glad you saw it through.

Some of those groups are wonderful -- I've belonged to several. I've even met some people who I had at least a "common" connection with, and have found most people to be quite pleasant, although like yourself, there are those who come, sit and bolt.

I have a more difficult time, because I can't get myself (often) to do things alone, as I have some sort of "phobia" of looking lost and out of place, so I try to drag people to go with me.

The strangest coincidence of all, though, is that one very nice person who I had the MOST connection with, moved away. (We had never socialized outside the meeting).

When I received my diagnosis and started getting involved in the autism/aspie community, one of the first people I met was related to that person who had moved away.

The two of us have created a relatively close friendship, and now and then I get to see the "first" connection because I have attended some family functions. Also, the "first" person vouched for my "character" when my Aspie friend was hesitant ...

Good Karma comes in circles. (Smile)

 

[texkag]

I started a Meetup group and got 18 members and 2 meetings (in the first MONTH) with 4 participants at each. After that, it was the same 2-4 people showing up, so we just planned things together instead of being "formal."

However, I was asked to facilitate Support Groups and some Functions for our local Autism Society. We get anywhere from 5- maybe 15 (?) <-- I think that's a lot.

We go around the room and introduce ourselves (if people want) and they pass if they don't. I'm extremely social, so some will approach me when I arrive, because they either 1) recognize me or 2) want to speak or share something with me.

However, we don't always connect, but we can communicate over the Internet. I will admit that not everyone in the group at any given time, is strictly the same or different than anyone else.

There are some people I've never met other than the group, there are some who attend with their parents, there are some who show up and just listen, and sometimes, it only takes one comment from one person to make you realize you two might have something in common.

It's always easier to start a conversation if you are commenting on something you sincerely enjoy and share an interest. Such as, if you hear him talking about a Renaissance Fair you might start speaking to him (when the meeting is not in session) by telling him that you've gone before, or have always been interested, or even if you are simply interested in the arms or weapons or crafts of that time.

That's how ASD friendships from meetings usually start. You might decide to show up only when a topic interests you. The most important thing we did (at my Meetup) was to assure everyone that -- even if it was only the confines of the room -- everyone together at that time are considered "friends" to each other.

Not "close friends," but people you might share some words and experiences with. One lady has attended two meetings; I was there for both. She was fretting, tearful, felt out-of-place, felt lost being in a new place with no support (or access to therapy/meds due to lack of Dr.).

At the first meeting, I gave her liaison the name of a counselor who I felt would be wonderful for her, and due to the background of the counselor, she'd be able to ease at least some of her fear and anxiety.

At the second meeting, she sat next to me, still looking unsure and a little less tearful. At break, she told me that the liaison was taking too long to get things done, so SHE HAD TAKEN THE INITIATIVE to call the contact I suggested, and that she had an appointment scheduled.

She was still a bit apprehensive, but you could see the relief in her eyes that someone understood. Even though the group sees my "outer facade" of laid-back, calm, cool, collected, comfortable, funny, helpful, etc. ..... by the time I get home, I'm physically and emotionally (and intelligently) exhausted -- so I have to unwind for another month before I do it again.

Going to this group was part of a strategy of pushing myself socially so that I may one day start a group in my home town, so it's good to hear from a fellow aspie that's doing just that. I guess the root of my problem is that I was diagnosed so late in life that my fears about speaking in groups in particular are deep seated. Being a carer complicates this further because it makes it difficult to access opportunities to expose myself to group environments. I try to compensate for this by throwing myself into the deep end when I do manage to get to a group. Of course this backfired big time on this occasion.

 

[texkag]

just reading this.... and I thought, you say that everyone with your condition could be there, in the room , with 30 (that's a HUGE amount!!) but you don't know how many times they've all been in and out the room over the weeks...months ... years....??

be kind to yourself..... be proud, you did it at all..!! ok so you got overloaded.... But jeez...!! 30 is a lot... even for someone who doesn't have social anxiety...!!

Thanks ladybug. It's crazy that I have to work so hard to give myself a break.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I was attending aftercare after spending some time in hospital for depression. The others in the group (I thought) I knew reasonably well and got along with since basically living with them for several months.

That was until I found out that many of them were visiting each other out of group time, going to each other's places for dinner and going out together as a group. One of them casually mentioned it to me. I was thinking, "How come no one invited me?" This sort of thing has happened to me all of my life!

I never went back!

As I've always been all of my life, I've always preferred to be alone, but now, more than ever! It's not that I particularly wanted or would feel comfortable spending time with them. I just wanted to know, "Why not me?"

 

[UniqueCreatures]

Does anyone else suffer like this?
Today I went to a post diagnostic support group. I had tried to get to the group for months but something always got in the way. I travelled for over an hour to be there. It started off well. I sat in the front, I chatted briefly to someone who turned out to be a staff member; and then clammed up.
I didn't say a word for the hour and a half I was there. I wanted to; but I couldn't. All the time panic was building up inside me. At the break I went outside to try to calm down, I did this twice but after the last time I went back in I lasted less than five minutes before I grabbed my coat and bolted for the door.
By the time I got back to my car I was shaking and ended up sobbing at the wheel. Others on the spectrum who were there seemed to be perfectly comfortable talking amongst what was a group of thirty or more people. Even amongst a room of others with ASD I ended up feeling like the odd one out. I am so sick of feeling like a freak.
What's worse is that I have an interview coming up for a counselling course I have been thinking of doing for a long time now, with a view of maybe becoming a counsellor. Now my confidence is shot to pieces. How could I have fooled myself into thinking I could so such a thing when I can't even sit in a room with other people who have the same condition as me?
My confidence is at an all time low now. Sometimes I wonder if I should be around people at all.
Maybe I delude myself into thinking that I'm making progress in the social world. Right now I'm sick of putting myself through the ringer all the time, to achieve what? It's like I don't know how to be me! I don't know who I am. It's like I am unacceptable, and if I stop trying to be like 'them', I'll be trapped in this tiny little life forever!
I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant, but does anyone else feel like this?

Does anyone else suffer like this?
Today I went to a post diagnostic support group. I had tried to get to the group for months but something always got in the way. I travelled for over an hour to be there. It started off well. I sat in the front, I chatted briefly to someone who turned out to be a staff member; and then clammed up.
I didn't say a word for the hour and a half I was there. I wanted to; but I couldn't. All the time panic was building up inside me. At the break I went outside to try to calm down, I did this twice but after the last time I went back in I lasted less than five minutes before I grabbed my coat and bolted for the door.
By the time I got back to my car I was shaking and ended up sobbing at the wheel. Others on the spectrum who were there seemed to be perfectly comfortable talking amongst what was a group of thirty or more people. Even amongst a room of others with ASD I ended up feeling like the odd one out. I am so sick of feeling like a freak.
What's worse is that I have an interview coming up for a counselling course I have been thinking of doing for a long time now, with a view of maybe becoming a counsellor. Now my confidence is shot to pieces. How could I have fooled myself into thinking I could so such a thing when I can't even sit in a room with other people who have the same condition as me?
My confidence is at an all time low now. Sometimes I wonder if I should be around people at all.
Maybe I delude myself into thinking that I'm making progress in the social world. Right now I'm sick of putting myself through the ringer all the time, to achieve what? It's like I don't know how to be me! I don't know who I am. It's like I am unacceptable, and if I stop trying to be like 'them', I'll be trapped in this tiny little life forever!
I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant, but does anyone else feel like this?

Yes. I do. I cant figure it out except that i am left to work outdoors in work that uses the specific focuses i find create a goal that i can try to solve or fix or create. Socially, it just hurts too much. I am glad for your post. thanks

 

[Grandmother B]

You all are in what is called "defense mode." Your fear and anxiety are keeping you trapped in it. It takes all of your energy and focus to protect your defenses against what you fear might happen. Here is an article that explains it: Defense Mode: A Different Perspective On Understanding And Helping Someone With Aspergers — Asperger Experts