Social acceptance

[LadyS]

Posing several questions:

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

If it applies to you, did finally gaining social acceptance (with any person or group) give you satisfaction, true happiness and the feeling of being complete? Did it meet up to your expectations?

If you're still trying to get accepted by others, what are your expectations after you finally do? Do you believe you'll be happier and more fulfilled?

Any other thoughts about what you've observed through your own experiences?

(I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but always curious to learn about others' thought processes)

 

[Wolfnox]

Nothing changes. I feel the same and have to mask harder. To keep up appearances. Burns me out.

 

[VictorR]

I believe that urbanization and the internet has allowed for a flourishing of diverse subcultures, countercultures, and those who are otherwise non-conformist, increasing opportunities for people to find their tribe, as we have here.

I also believe that when one is different for whatever reasons, that living happily depends one one's self-acceptance and willingness to embrace and cherish their uniqueness.

 

[StrayCat]

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

I feel I can get away with more without provoking hostilities, so my guess the pressure is definitely less now.

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

I hate being controlled against my will so I never struggled for acceptance, I struggle to get away from societal oppression though. The more I can get away from it, the better I feel. Official diagnosis has been great tool for that, it gave me formal right to protect myself from forced socialization and the rat race.

I hope I'm not the only autist who struggles for freedom instead of wanting to become obedient slave to societal norms?

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Lets go:

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

No, the pressure is less now. Almost every one can learn to read/write, eat properly, and have basic access to medicines. Some years ago if you had the wrong skin colour, wrong beliefs or behaved out of the norm, you ended pretty bad. Most of us live better than Napoleon ir Julio Cesar did. We are pretty much at the pinacle of human rigths, freedom, health and material goods.

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

Well, my obsession for social aceptance allowed me to get a good job and have my own family. If the time spent doing that could have been spent learning to draw, I could be now a top drawing artist. Probably alone, depressed, and full of anxiety. Maybe in the drugs pit. But very skilled.

If it applies to you, did finally gaining social acceptance (with any person or group) give you satisfaction, true happiness and the feeling of being complete? Did it meet up to your expectations?

I think I had not an orgasm, not any heavens revelation, but allow me to pay bills, the school of my daugther, the doctor when we have health problems, my car, my house, vacattions, and allow me enougth free time to practice some hobbies. I dont think true happines and feeling being complete come from others acceptance, so the question seems biased to conclude that social acceptance is not that much important.

If you're still trying to get accepted by others, what are your expectations after you finally do? Do you believe you'll be happier and more fulfilled?

I belive my family live will be easer, since I will be more able to flow with the groups: Get more money at work instead of being bullied, get more done at my daugthers school instead of being ignored, enjoy more my free time practicing hobbies with other humans instead of being alone and depressed at home, having a quite healthy relation with my wife and daugther instead of a divorce and not undertanding their needs of feeling I am a victim, being able to have decent talks with my elder parents and sisters instead of feeling a stranget on my own family, being able to financially support those I love instead of feeling I am a financial load for them.

Yeah, others are important to me. Living just for myself doesnt make sense for me.

Any other thoughts about what you've observed through your own experiences?

I have observed that people do justify they way they are. People who love to travel will have very good reasons of why that is great for everybody. People who practice sports will have great reasons to convince you to do the same. People who love maths? Same. People who dont vaccine their kids? Same.

Autists are not different. Those who are depressed have all the justification to it. Those who dont go social also have all the reasons ready to share. And those who try to go social (like me) also have their reasons.

So at the end every one of us must find our own way in life.

 

[Streetwise]

Posing several questions:

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

If it applies to you, did finally gaining social acceptance (with any person or group) give you satisfaction, true happiness and the feeling of being complete? Did it meet up to your expectations?

If you're still trying to get accepted by others, what are your expectations after you finally do? Do you believe you'll be happier and more fulfilled?

Any other thoughts about what you've observed through your own experiences?

(I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but always curious to learn about others' thought processes)

TRIGGER WARNING Its based on your neurology and experience (abuse of any kind ,levels of poverty)in countries where social media is used by a high percentage of the population ,pressure is high ,I don't live in a country where the families of every generation live together so I can't comment ,I used to dread school and the telephone ringing, now I dread a government dept, the telephone, email and social media,the one internet forum I interact with.

 

[Matthias]

Lets go:

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

No, the pressure is less now. Almost every one can learn to read/write, eat properly, and have basic access to medicines. Some years ago if you had the wrong skin colour, wrong beliefs or behaved out of the norm, you ended pretty bad. Most of us live better than Napoleon ir Julio Cesar did. We are pretty much at the pinacle of human rigths, freedom, health and material goods.

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

Well, my obsession for social aceptance allowed me to get a good job and have my own family. If the time spent doing that could have been spent learning to draw, I could be now a top drawing artist. Probably alone, depressed, and full of anxiety. Maybe in the drugs pit. But very skilled.

If it applies to you, did finally gaining social acceptance (with any person or group) give you satisfaction, true happiness and the feeling of being complete? Did it meet up to your expectations?

I think I had not an orgasm, not any heavens revelation, but allow me to pay bills, the school of my daugther, the doctor when we have health problems, my car, my house, vacattions, and allow me enougth free time to practice some hobbies. I dont think true happines and feeling being complete come from others acceptance, so the question seems biased to conclude that social acceptance is not that much important.

If you're still trying to get accepted by others, what are your expectations after you finally do? Do you believe you'll be happier and more fulfilled?

I belive my family live will be easer, since I will be more able to flow with the groups: Get more money at work instead of being bullied, get more done at my daugthers school instead of being ignored, enjoy more my free time practicing hobbies with other humans instead of being alone and depressed at home, having a quite healthy relation with my wife and daugther instead of a divorce and not undertanding their needs of feeling I am a victim, being able to have decent talks with my elder parents and sisters instead of feeling a stranget on my own family, being able to financially support those I love instead of feeling I am a financial load for them.

Yeah, others are important to me. Living just for myself doesnt make sense for me.

Any other thoughts about what you've observed through your own experiences?

I have observed that people do justify they way they are. People who love to travel will have very good reasons of why that is great for everybody. People who practice sports will have great reasons to convince you to do the same. People who love maths? Same. People who dont vaccine their kids? Same.

Autists are not different. Those who are depressed have all the justification to it. Those who dont go social also have all the reasons ready to share. And those who try to go social (like me) also have their reasons.

So at the end every one of us must find our own way in life.

Excellent response! I've also found that I feel depressed when I'm alone and feel happier when people accept me. Unfortunately, I currently don't feel like I belong anywhere and can't seem to find any way to be happy or enjoy being alone. Since you equate being alone to being depressed, wouldn't that mean being accepted or having friends and a family made you happy? I've seen loners who devote their life to skills like drawing and math. While they don't seem depressed, none of them appear to be happy.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Excellent response! I've also found that I feel depressed when I'm alone and feel happier when people accept me. Unfortunately, I currently don't feel like I belong anywhere and can't seem to find any way to be happy or enjoy being alone. Since you equate being alone to being depressed, wouldn't that mean being accepted or having friends and a family made you happy? I've seen loners who devote their life to skills like drawing and math. While they don't seem depressed, none of them appear to be happy.

Thank you.

We are social creatures, isolated people tend to get depressed. Also many of our basic goods come from social interactions. So isolated people have way more problems that people who can get help from others. Those extra problems may also lead to depression.

Not everyone who is alone have depression, antisocials are almost depression inmune people, so I would not say being isolated = depression. But stadistically, there is a very strong relation.

I am way happier when I feel accepted and loved by others.

 

[Ban]

I've found social acceptance through masking to be pretty hollow and completely devoid of any meaning such as you described in terms of happiness/satisfaction/completeness. I have found times when I felt actual deep personal acceptance of me with someone who knows me well without me masking to meet and exceed all those expectations though. This is very rare for me and has only happend once or twice. I think the distinction is very important as for me acceptance through masking essentially gives me the opposite of what you described. I feel unsatisfied unhappy and not complete whatsoever. I found that connecting with someone when my true self was present did indeed further my connection with myself and gave me all the positives you described to an extent that I wouldn't previously have thought was possible. On the contrary using masking to gain acceptance has always brought be further away from a deeper connection with myself.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

Having lived through the indoctrination for conformity in the '50s, i think the pressure is less.

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

I have thought that one's value also comes from participating in my community. Acceptance in groups I participate with has been positive in giving me a good quality of life. I also contribute to my township by being on the planning commission which has led to more people trusting me. Were I more isolated my world would be very limited.

If it applies to you, did finally gaining social acceptance (with any person or group) give you satisfaction, true happiness and the feeling of being complete? Did it meet up to your expectations?

I had been so emotionally deprived that when my spouse accepted me sexually it was a fundamental change. It was then that I knew the changes I was working towards made me a complete person. I wasn't happy, I was ecstatic. The bond we made far exceeded what I thought a relationship was like.

If you're still trying to get accepted by others, what are your expectations after you finally do? Do you believe you'll be happier and more fulfilled?

I find that I enjoy the casual friendship of the groups I belong to and longtime friends. It makes me feel more positive about people and shared experiences are fulfilling.

I have related that I was socially inept as a teen and young adult which left me feeling socially and sexually isolated. Connections I could make were never very healthy, and as a result, I never felt accepted. I credit the self help I went through to mature socially and emotionally with being more accepting and being accepted.

 

[Shamar]

Posing several questions:

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

Not sure. The pressure for things like Facebook "friends" seems to be intense and very competitive, but mostly meaningless. As for me, the pressure for friends before my diagnosis was intense but internally generated, as that is something I could never achieve (and still can't) and was something I desperately wanted (and still do). After my diagnosis, I understood what was going on and the pressure (but not the desire) now is less.

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

Yes, as a character in a Dilbert strip once said "Raw intelligence does not have as much practical application as you might expect." Without the support that social abilities give, intelligence and thinking cannot be expressed as well as those who have these abilities. I was never able to reach my intellectual potential, and my emotional potential i s fairly minimal.

If it applies to you, did finally gaining social acceptance (with any person or group) give you satisfaction, true happiness and the feeling of being complete? Did it meet up to your expectations?

No. I college, I was a member of the sailing team. I was accepted for my skills, but not really accepted socially. Mainly because I ranged from socially inept to unbelievably naive. I always felt like an outsider looking in.

If you're still trying to get accepted by others, what are your expectations after you finally do? Do you believe you'll be happier and more fulfilled?

Since my diagnosis, I better understand who and what I am (and still working on that), and am no longer working on social acceptance. I have no expectations that I will be socially accepted, although I still fantasize about it happening.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Without the support that social abilities give, intelligence and thinking cannot be expressed as well as those who have these abilities. I was never able to reach my intellectual potential, and my emotional potential i s fairly minimal.

I especially noticed in graduate school that people who were in relationships were significantly more self assured and productive than me, full of self doubt and a negative self image. I was functional, but felt that I was never working to my full potential compared to people whose basic human needs were met.

 

[LadyS]

All good responses.. there is no real right or wrong answer to these questions. It's always based on the individual, where they currently are in their social quests, age, background, and their own personal priorities and personality. But it's good to see the thought processes and personal preferences.

 

[Judge]

Do you think the pressure and expectations of social acceptance is greater today than it was years/decades/centuries ago?

No, I think it's a social constant for humanity and always has been.

Do you believe the obsession and/or struggle for social acceptance, particularly for autistics, prevent us from tapping into our true mental and emotional potential or would gaining acceptance actually aid us in reaching it?

Good question. Absolutely, at least in my own case.

Took me decades to figure out that social acceptance and a fulfilling relationship may never be in the cards for me, whereupon I began to focus my energies and attention elsewhere with far better results. Though it also took decades just to realize that I was on the spectrum of autism which colors virtually all relationships I have with others.

 

[Luca]

I do understand that I say and do some things that are not considered socially acceptable :/
And agreeing with @Judge that my autism colors all of the interpersonal relationships I have as well. Not everyone in my life knows that I'm autistic but they all know that I'm a little "off" and that I have a tendency to be childish, narrow-focused, and overly simplistic.

As far as things like Facebook friends, likes, etc... I got rid of my social media accounts to better my mental health. So I don't feel a lot of pressure to have a lot of friends or impress people or be competitive. I have in the past and realized that it was unhealthy thinking. It would be nice to have lots of friends but I don't feel like I "have" to. I struggle with maintaining friendships with people who can't overlook my quirks so I don't have a ton of irl friends and I feel like my circle keeps getting smaller :/ But that's not entirely a negative thing because it helps to weed out the bad people and the ones I'm not compatible with.

I think a lot of the societal standards for what's considered "acceptable" and "unacceptable" are ridiculous.
I don't get why people can't just accept other people. Everyone is different. We're not all made from the same cookie cutter and it's unrealistic to expect that.

 

[StrayCat]

I don't get why people can't just accept other people.

Maybe because humans constantly fight for social status and wealth. Accepting "losers" would lower their status, while ridiculing them raises it, so it's good social strategy to attack those who "don't fit in"?

 

[paloftoon]

Maybe because humans constantly fight for social status and wealth. Accepting "losers" would lower their status, while ridiculing them raises it, so it's good social strategy to attack those who "don't fit in"?

Truth. The smarter thing to do is to try to be supportive to help "losers" give ideas to elevate themselves. Also, one can be open to others' differing economic statuses as long as one person is not imposing on someone else's finances. Also, considering dating someone where there is significant economic differences is very different than being friends with someone of such. It is okay to take longer to build trust that someone poorer than you won't take advantage of you, but it doesn't mean you avoid them completely. Not everyone realizes this or wants to make the effort they should socially.