not_an_orange_cat
Member
I'm still really new to this. I'm considering that I might be on the autism spectrum, but never diagnosed, like so many others I've been reading about and listening to online. It fits so well - so remarkably well, and I continue to have new insights into things that happened when I was a child that should have been red flags but were never considered as autism, likely because I had no overt cognitive or communication deficits. I'd just really like to share this with people who might understand.
I've been in therapy since I was five years old for "unknown" behavioral problems. Nothing was ever identified as a disorder, except that I had problems that kept me from functioning in school. Thinking on it today, a memory hit me that pointed to the possibility of autism, but nothing was ever done about it, except for giving me anti-anxiety medication like Xanax to calm me down during "episodes."
During a therapy session when I was about eleven or twelve years old, the therapist kept asking me questions about my behavior. I don't remember her exact line of questioning, but it was things like, "why did you do that?" and such, and I didn't know how to answer. I went into what could easily be described as a severe shutdown. I lost control of my body, and started shaking, and curled up into a fetal position and couldn't speak anymore, though I was fully aware of my surroundings. It was like I was locked inside my body. The therapist freaked out, and stood up, and asked, "What is wrong with her?!" and my mother, who was sitting next to me calmly, though I'm sure she was also feeling heart-broken, said, "She does that sometimes. Just give her a minute and she'll come out of it."
So, my mom tried to soothe me while the therapist looked on in horror, and I remember wanting so badly to regain control, to not be a bother, and, though I didn't recognize it at the time, it caused a deep sense of shame.
Several memories like this keep popping up since I've considered that I might be autistic. I'm not even sure where to start - it's like drinking from a fire house to process all of this. That memory really sticks out, though, along with many others. I'd be nice to have someone to talk to about it, but I don't know enough and don't know who I can turn, yet - so I hope it is okay to post here like this for now. I wasn't quite sure what sub-forum to put a story like that under. I wondered if anyone else experienced similar.
Thanks for reading.
I've been in therapy since I was five years old for "unknown" behavioral problems. Nothing was ever identified as a disorder, except that I had problems that kept me from functioning in school. Thinking on it today, a memory hit me that pointed to the possibility of autism, but nothing was ever done about it, except for giving me anti-anxiety medication like Xanax to calm me down during "episodes."
During a therapy session when I was about eleven or twelve years old, the therapist kept asking me questions about my behavior. I don't remember her exact line of questioning, but it was things like, "why did you do that?" and such, and I didn't know how to answer. I went into what could easily be described as a severe shutdown. I lost control of my body, and started shaking, and curled up into a fetal position and couldn't speak anymore, though I was fully aware of my surroundings. It was like I was locked inside my body. The therapist freaked out, and stood up, and asked, "What is wrong with her?!" and my mother, who was sitting next to me calmly, though I'm sure she was also feeling heart-broken, said, "She does that sometimes. Just give her a minute and she'll come out of it."
So, my mom tried to soothe me while the therapist looked on in horror, and I remember wanting so badly to regain control, to not be a bother, and, though I didn't recognize it at the time, it caused a deep sense of shame.
Several memories like this keep popping up since I've considered that I might be autistic. I'm not even sure where to start - it's like drinking from a fire house to process all of this. That memory really sticks out, though, along with many others. I'd be nice to have someone to talk to about it, but I don't know enough and don't know who I can turn, yet - so I hope it is okay to post here like this for now. I wasn't quite sure what sub-forum to put a story like that under. I wondered if anyone else experienced similar.
Thanks for reading.