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Share good puns and jokes.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Mads, Dec 7, 2015.

  1. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Or, "Do you see what I pee?" might be more appropriate here.
     
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  2. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    Speaking of canids...

    Caleb brought his dog, Fido, to the talent scouts to show them what he could do.
    Caleb: My dog is amazing. He can talk!
    Scout: We don't consider dog acts.
    Caleb: Just see what he can do. Fido, what is the texture of sandpaper?
    Fido: Rough!
    Caleb: What is the top of a house called?
    Fido: Roof!
    Caleb: Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?
    Fido: Ruth!
    Having seen enough, the talent scouts promptly throw both of them out on their butts.
    Fido turns to his master and says, "Should I have said Dimaggio?"
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2020
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  3. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    Here is a riddle for literalists
    (if we have any of those around here [​IMG])...

    Q: I have four eyes, three legs, two tails and twelve toes. What am I?
    A: A liar! [​IMG]
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​
    "Could jokes about eyes get any cornea...?"
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2020
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  4. dragonfire42

    dragonfire42 Box of leftovers in the back of the fridge

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    Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tsh!
     
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  5. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  6. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    Hebrews it.
     
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  7. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    Steve and Mark are camping when a bear suddenly comes out and growls. Steve starts putting on his tennis shoes.
    Mark: What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!
    Steve: I don’t have to outrun the bear—I just have to outrun you!
     
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  8. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    He was charged with battery.
     
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  9. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    A man walked into a talent agent's office. The agent asked, "What's your act?"
    The man replied, "I do bird imitations!"
    The agent said, "Anyone can do bird imitations. They're a dime a dozen. I got no need for you."
    So the man picked up his briefcase and flew away.
     
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  10. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    I just came up with the perfect name for my newly founded religious anti-cigarette campaign.

    God Hates Fags
     
  11. QueenOfFrance87

    QueenOfFrance87 Let them eat tuna! V.I.P Member

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    Person 1: Wanna play a board game?
    Person 2: Sure, let's play Updog.
    Person 1: What's Updog?
    Person 2: Not much, but I really don't feel like playing board games with you.
     
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  12. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    [​IMG] (Isn't it racist for a cat :catface: to make dog :dogface: jokes...?)
     
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  13. Meistersinger

    Meistersinger Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, that one is taken by the group in Wichita, KS known as the Westboro Baptist Church.
     
  14. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    My favorite is "Cole's Law". So the setup feels natural and not contrived, I have to wait for someone to mention some other law in conversation (like Newton's Law, Murphy's Law, Moore's Law, etc.). Then I'll say, "But doesn't Cole's Law supercede that in most cases?" (or something believable like that). If I was smooth enough, the other person will ask, "What's Cole's Law?" and I'll answer, "Chopped cabbage."

    The joke is well known enough that I can't catch many people with it now. Everyone who knows me has probably heard it.

    My favorite was the first time I did it to a good friend of mine. The look he gave me was one of pure disappointment over the fact that he fell for it ... which is the exact reaction I was hoping for!
     
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