Share good puns and jokes.

[Progster]

Someone decides to get a singing toilet. Upon sitting down on it, the toilet sings “Do you see what I see?”

Or, "Do you see what I pee?" might be more appropriate here.

 

[Crossbreed]

One wolf to another wolf.
Who ate the deer?
Woof!

Speaking of canids...

Caleb brought his dog, Fido, to the talent scouts to show them what he could do.
Caleb: My dog is amazing. He can talk!
Scout: We don't consider dog acts.
Caleb: Just see what he can do. Fido, what is the texture of sandpaper?
Fido: Rough!
Caleb: What is the top of a house called?
Fido: Roof!
Caleb: Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?
Fido: Ruth!
Having seen enough, the talent scouts promptly throw both of them out on their butts.
Fido turns to his master and says, "Should I have said Dimaggio?"

 

[Crossbreed]

Here is a riddle for literalists
(if we have any of those around here

)...

Q: I have four eyes, three legs, two tails and twelve toes. What am I?

Spoiler: Answer

A: A liar!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

"Could jokes about eyes get any cornea...?"

 

[dragonfire42]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tsh!

 

[tree]

 

[Metalhead]

Spoiler: How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

 

[Crossbreed]

Steve and Mark are camping when a bear suddenly comes out and growls. Steve starts putting on his tennis shoes.
Mark: What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!
Steve: I don’t have to outrun the bear—I just have to outrun you!

 

[Metalhead]

Spoiler: Why did the Energizer Bunny go to prison?

He was charged with battery.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Speaking of canids...

Caleb brought his dog, Fido, to the talent scouts to show them what he could do.
Caleb: My dog is amazing. He can talk!
Scout: We don't consider dog acts.
Caleb: Just see what he can do. Fido, what is the texture of sandpaper?
Fido: Rough!
Caleb: What is the top of a house called?
Fido: Roof!
Caleb: Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?
Fido: Ruth!
Having seen enough, the talent scouts promptly throw both of them out on their butts.
Fido turns to his master and says, "Should I have said Dimaggio?"

A man walked into a talent agent's office. The agent asked, "What's your act?"
The man replied, "I do bird imitations!"
The agent said, "Anyone can do bird imitations. They're a dime a dozen. I got no need for you."
So the man picked up his briefcase and flew away.

 

[Metalhead]

I just came up with the perfect name for my newly founded religious anti-cigarette campaign.

God Hates Fags

 

[QueenOfFrance87]

Person 1: Wanna play a board game?
Person 2: Sure, let's play Updog.
Person 1: What's Updog?
Person 2: Not much, but I really don't feel like playing board games with you.

 

[Crossbreed]

(Isn't it racist for a cat to make dog jokes...?)

 

[Meistersinger]

I just came up with the perfect name for my newly founded religious anti-cigarette campaign.

God Hates Fags

Sorry, that one is taken by the group in Wichita, KS known as the Westboro Baptist Church.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Person 1: Wanna play a board game?
Person 2: Sure, let's play Updog.
Person 1: What's Updog?
Person 2: Not much, but I really don't feel like playing board games with you.

My favorite is "Cole's Law". So the setup feels natural and not contrived, I have to wait for someone to mention some other law in conversation (like Newton's Law, Murphy's Law, Moore's Law, etc.). Then I'll say, "But doesn't Cole's Law supercede that in most cases?" (or something believable like that). If I was smooth enough, the other person will ask, "What's Cole's Law?" and I'll answer, "Chopped cabbage."

The joke is well known enough that I can't catch many people with it now. Everyone who knows me has probably heard it.

My favorite was the first time I did it to a good friend of mine. The look he gave me was one of pure disappointment over the fact that he fell for it ... which is the exact reaction I was hoping for!

 

[Metalhead]

 

[Wolfsage]

Wolf joke. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Pikachu. Woof.

 

[Crossbreed]

A little paraprosdokian humor...

"Those who live by the sword
get shot by those who don't...!"

 

[Crossbreed]

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air;
a psychotic is the person who lives in it;
and a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

 

[Nervous Rex]

A man is driving down a country road when his car breaks down right next to a pasture of cows. He pops the hood and starts looking at it. One of the cows comes up to the car, sticks it's head under the hood and says, "It's probably the carburetor."

The man freaks out and runs down the road until he sees a farmhouse with an old farmer and his wife sitting on the porch. He tells them, "This is crazy, but I was trying to fix my car and this cow came up and said it was the carburetor!"

The old couple look at each other for a second, then back at the man. Then the farmer says, "That's Bessie. Don't mind her - she don't know a thing about carburetors."

 

[tree]