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Share good puns and jokes.

Mads

Active Member
They don't even have to belong to you.

"Did you hear about the poor chef? He..pasta way.

There was raviolis so much we could do.

He was here today, but gone tomato."

It's your turn. :smileycat:
 

Cinnamon115

Well-Known Member
Well, I don't know if it qualifies as a joke (I think it's funny though) but when I went to visit Seattle a few years ago, the locals told me that "the rainy season is from early September to late August." I found that to be pretty funny.
 

Mads

Active Member
That one gave me a small kick. :)

This is one in my fifth hour class.

"Why did the sick little boat go to the shore?

Because it had to see the dock."
 

Crossbreed

Neur-D Missionary ☝️
V.I.P Member
Q: What is the biggest hazard to be faced by miniature golfers...?
A: Being stepped on by full-sized golfers...!

From a bumper sticker: If you don't like the way I drive, you ought to see me putt!

Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and anal thermometer...?
A: The taste...!
M-sick.gif

Patient: Doc, am I going to die...?
Doctor: That's the LAST thing you are going to do...!
doc.gif
 
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Crossbreed

Neur-D Missionary ☝️
V.I.P Member
Mr Jenkins, on his deathbed, knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his two sons were with him. He asked for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all was ready he began to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they didn't realize his extensive holdings, and as Bill slipped away, the nurse said, "Mrs. Jenkins, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replied, "He had a paper route."
 

Aurellia

Who?
Oh deer, luke what you made me do.

In a Galaxy called the Milky Way, there was a planet called Mars. On that planet, there is a town called Bournville.
In that town, it hasn't rained for a long time, so the ground is rather Crunchie when walked on. I was beTwixed to find out that I had a Bounty on my head, So I gave a Twist and a Twirl and fled to New Yorkie. Sadly, my enthusiasm Flaked away and caught a Double Decker bus out of the city.

In the end, it gave me a bad case of the Snickers, so I Wispad to some Minstrels to get them to play a tune and fell asleep.
Just kidding, I Reveled at the chance of having a Picnic.
 

Mr Allen

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
A piece of string went into a Pub for a drink, he went to the Bar and said "Do you serve string?", Barman said "No I'm afraid not" (Frayed Knot)

Geddit?!
 

Crossbreed

Neur-D Missionary ☝️
V.I.P Member
This is more of a riddle:

What is the "world's oldest profession...?"
Animal taxonomy! (See Genesis 2:19, 20)
 

Crossbreed

Neur-D Missionary ☝️
V.I.P Member
I'll always remember what my Grandpa said before he kicked the bucket....
..."I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
 

Datura

Well-Known Member
A chemist and an English professor walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender asks them if they would like anything to drink. The chemist orders first. "I'll just have some H2O please."The English professor think for a second and says "I'll have some H2O too."
The bartender pours both drinks and sets them down on the counter. Just as the English professor is about to take the first sip the chemist knocks the glass out of his hand. "Hey! What was that for?", the bemuse professor cries out. "Be greatful old chap.", the chemist proclaims, "I just saved your life."
 

midlife aspie

Well-Known Member
Three husbands died and were standing before the Lord in judgement.
Husband one said "I never once cheated on my wife"
The Lord rewarded him with a Cadillac
Husband two said "I tried, but sometimes I slipped up and had a few affairs. I'm really sorry"
The Lord accepted his apology and gave him a bicycle.
Husband three said "I cheated every chance I got!"
The Lord liked his honesty, and granted him a skateboard
Husband three saw Husband one sitting in his Cadillac crying his eyes out.
Husband three rode his skateboard over and asked him "Why are you crying? You should be glad you have a Cadillac!"
Husband one said "I know, but I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
 

Crossbreed

Neur-D Missionary ☝️
V.I.P Member
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
 

watersprite

lost
V.I.P Member
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's sad, I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 

watersprite

lost
V.I.P Member
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked up and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in Congress.
 

AspieOtaku

Leader of the otaku legion!
I have plenty of thyme on my hands we must not waste too much thyme because in the kitchen thyme is of essence! Chef! Our Thyme is running out! We must not waste it!
 

RecklessMick

New Member
This is a good one my Dad used to tell me. But it may seem kind of racist. I personally don't think it's racist (racist meaning inferring superiority or inferiority of one race or another) but rather is a joke about the dialect that Chinese immigrants have.

A Chinaman goes to see the eye doctor. After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The Chinaman says, "why?" Doctor said, "you have a cataract." Chinaman says, "no, I have a Rincoln Continental."
 

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