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Share good puns and jokes.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Mads, Dec 7, 2015.

  1. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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    • Like Like x 1
  2. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    Talking Dog For Sale
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep" the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten dollars" the guy says.

    "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."
     
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  3. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    A billionaire one day loses a sizable part of his fortune, so he goes home to his wife and says, "Baby, if you learn how to make food, we can fire the chef."

    She responds, "Baby, if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
     
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  4. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    Bob got a new dog. Every day at work, he brags to Ed - "I paid a lot for that dog, but you wouldn't believe what it can do! Yesterday he brought in the paper. He noticed that I always read the sports section first, so today he brought in the paper and had it opened to the sports section."

    The next day he says, "Last night, he not only brought me my slippers, but he had a cold beer ready for me by the couch."

    The day after that, "He barks at strangers, but he doesn't bark at the mailman. When the mailman delivered the mail, he sorted the junk mail from the bills."

    Ed is so amazed, he asks the buy the dog. Bob says, "I can't part with a dog like that!" Ed offers him $1,000. Bob says no. Ed offers $2,000. Bob says no. Finally, Ed offers $5,000. Bob says, "I've never had a dog like that, but I can't turn down $5,000." So he sells the dog.

    A week later, Ed finds Bob and complains to him, "That dogs isn't doing anything. He doesn't get the paper, the mail, my slippers. All he does is eat and sleep! That dog is worthless!"

    Bob says, "Keep your voice down! You'll never sell him talking like that!"
     
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  5. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    The Expert Tracker...?
    The expert tracker had his ear to the ground.
    "A cart with two horses, one black, one brown.
    It is being driven by a father with a young family of four, heading south..."

    "Wow! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground...!?"

    "No. They just ran me over." [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2021
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  6. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    Q: Why do farmers' fruits & vegetables outlast everyone else's...?
    A: Because they can...! [​IMG]
     
  7. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2021-5-15_9-50-9.png
     
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  8. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    [​IMG] (When we were having babies, it seems like there was always an Amanda Lynn in the birth announcements... :confused:)
     
  9. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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  10. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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    • Like Like x 1
  11. Meistersinger

    Meistersinger Well-Known Member

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    <rimshot></rimshot>
     
  12. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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    9C7E68FF-247B-44D8-9D9E-47FC69E16907.jpeg
     
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  13. Wolfsage

    Wolfsage In training to be Wolf King.

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    I was told I needed a trim. My response. "Who shaves wolves?"
     
  14. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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  15. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

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    Cinderella Party...?
    [​IMG]
     
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    • Winner Winner x 1
  16. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    That lovely deer that's been hanging out in my backyard, which has been so sweet?
    I noticed this moring that she'd neatly nibbled all the tops from the new veggie plants. o_O:p

    I know it's not really a joke but it made me laugh.
     
  17. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2021-6-15_11-16-15.png
     
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  18. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Video game and movie addict.

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  19. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    “Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
    — Geoucho Marx