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Share good puns and jokes.

A story is told about an Irishman who goes in to a Dublin pub, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in a corner of the room, taking a sip out of each glass in turn. When all three pint glasses are empty, he returns to the bar and orders three more. The bartender advises him: "You know, a pint goes flat after it's poured. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies: "Well, you see, I have two brothers, one in America, the other in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home we promised to always drink this way, to remember the days when we drank together, so the other two pints are for my brothers."

The bartender admits that it's a very touching custom and leaves it at that. Over the next few weeks the Irishman becomes a regular at the pub, always drinking the same way: ordering three pints of Guinness at a time and drinking them in turn.

One day he comes in, orders only two pints and drinks them in his usual way. The other regulars notice this and fall silent. When he returns to the bar for the second round, the bartender says: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences and those of our regulars on the sad loss of one of your brothers."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, before the light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no", he says, "everyone's fine, but I've given up drinking alcohol for Lent!"
 
Here's another one set in a Dublin pub, a shorter one this time...

Michael O'Leary (CEO of Ryanair) goes in to a Dublin pub and orders a Guinness.

The bartender says, "That'll be one euro, Mr O'Leary."

"Only €1?"

"Yes - will you be wanting a glass with that?"
 
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My favorites are the puns made up on the fly. Two that I'm most proud of:

I was getting a filling replaced in one of my teeth and the dentist pulled the old filling out, but then dropped it. I caught it in the back of my mouth and spat it out, then said, "Good thing I caught that. If I didn't, you would have been feeling down in the mouth."

At a Pampered Chef sales presentation one time, the lady showed off their whisk, and mentioned that they had a smaller whisk which was sold only briefly as a breast cancer awareness promotion. I exclaimed, "Reduced whisk for cancer!"

Sadly, I didn't get any sort of reaction from the recipient for either one of these. Obviously not my kind of people.
 
The floodwaters recede. Noah let all the animals out of the ark and commanded them to go forth and multiply.

A while later, he checked on them. The cows, horses, pigs, etc. are all doing fine. But the snakes didn't have any babies. He asked them what's up and they said, "We just can't make it work. Could you cut some trees into pieces for us?"

Noah said, "Sure, whatever floats your boat." (bonus pun!), and he chopped a few trees down, then cut them into pieces.

A while later, he checked on the snakes again, and saw a lot of baby snakes slithering around. He asked, "So, what made the difference?"

"We're adders," the snakes explained, "We need logs to multiply."
 
A rancher had three sons. When he retired, he gave the ranch to his sons, and they named the ranch "Focus", because that's where the suns rays meet.
 
My favorites are the puns made up on the fly. Two that I'm most proud of:

I was getting a filling replaced in one of my teeth and the dentist pulled the old filling out, but then dropped it. I caught it in the back of my mouth and spat it out, then said, "Good thing I caught that. If I didn't, you would have been feeling down in the mouth."

At a Pampered Chef sales presentation one time, the lady showed off their whisk, and mentioned that they had a smaller whisk which was sold only briefly as a breast cancer awareness promotion. I exclaimed, "Reduced whisk for cancer!"

Sadly, I didn't get any sort of reaction from the recipient for either one of these. Obviously not my kind of people.

A common thread between the above and some of the nastier swear words.

Unrepeatable.
 
What? Now I find out there's a puns thread. :rolleyes:

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An agitated man hurries into his doctor's office.

Patient: You gotta help, doc! You gotta help me!
Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem...?
Patient: Every night, I get the same kind of dream.
One night, I dream that I am a teepee.
The next night, I dream that I'm a wigwam.

Doc, what does it all mean...?
Psychiatrist: It's simple. You're two tents!
full
 
Two guys are building a house. One guys walks over to check on his friend and he sees him pick a nail out of his bucket, look at it and throw it away. Then he picks another nail and pounds it into the house. The next nail he throws away. He keeps this up, throwing away every other nail.

The guy asks him, "What are you doing that for? You're wasting all these nails!"

His friend says, "Well, I can't use them. Look, here's one. It's pointed the wrong way. I can't pound it in!"

The guys exclaims, "You idiot! Those nails are for the other side of the house!"
 
Did you know that most gynecology majors do not complete their degrees in the States...?
full

They prefer to study abroad.
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Interviewer: Do you have any experience as a lumberjack?
Interviewee: Experience? Have you ever heard of the Sahara Forest?
Interviewer: Don't you mean the Sahara desert?
Interviewee: That's what they call it, now.
 
full

<kkh> "All units, please be advised:
A midget fortune-teller has recently escaped from our local prison..." <kkh>

<kkh> "Be on the lookout for a small medium, at large." <kkh>
 
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