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Share good puns and jokes.

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Mads, Dec 7, 2015.

  1. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    How many countries have a "4th of July?"
    They all do.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  2. SnowTiger20

    SnowTiger20 Black n White

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    ObiWan Kanobi tells Darth Vader:"Nice suit,must have cost you an arm and a leg "

    Look at that Van Gogh!!

    Occasionally in the Caribbean there's a total calypso the sun.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. OrSomething

    OrSomething Champion Lurker

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    How do you get down from a tree?
    You don't. You get down from a duck.

    What did Luke Skywalker say to the bullies who were bullying his sister?
    "Don't Leia finger on her."
     
    • Like Like x 2
  4. Southern Discomfort

    Southern Discomfort Smarter than the Average Bear V.I.P Member

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    I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. The kids loved her but my wife seemed mad.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  5. Aeolienne

    Aeolienne Well-Known Member

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    What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
    I've got the time if you've got the inclination.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Southern Discomfort

    Southern Discomfort Smarter than the Average Bear V.I.P Member

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    I crossed the street, walked into a bar and changed the light bulb.

    Then I realised my life is a joke...
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    This just in: Someone came in and stole all of the toilet seats from the local police station. The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on... [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2017
    • Funny Funny x 4
  8. Southern Discomfort

    Southern Discomfort Smarter than the Average Bear V.I.P Member

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    Protons have mass?! I didn't even realise they were Catholic!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Aeolienne

    Aeolienne Well-Known Member

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    I heard an ice-cream van in Birmingham playing the Match of the Day theme. Bet they serve Aston Vanilla. ;)
     
  10. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter?
    Pumpkin pi!
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2018
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    How did the accountant relieve his constipation?

    He worked it out with a pencil!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  12. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    I saw a midget buying a stepladder the other day. I asked him what he was buying it for, he said to put up baseboards.
     
  13. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    Why do plebotomists buy red pens?

    So they can draw blood.
     
  14. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    What is red black red black red black red black red black etc?

    A zebra with sunburn.
     
  15. Aeolienne

    Aeolienne Well-Known Member

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    What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
    One shoots but can't hit...
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years.

    The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

    One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

    "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  17. Mr Allen

    Mr Allen Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    Doctor!
    Doctor Who?
    You just said it!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. Aeolienne

    Aeolienne Well-Known Member

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    What's the difference between a depressed modern art collector and a man with Greek bread in his underpants?
    One's feeling bitter about his Pollocks...
     
  19. Ang

    Ang Member

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    Why did the doctor leave his practice? He lost his patients.
     
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  20. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    I went to the library to ask for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. The librarian said it rang a bell, but she was not sure if it was there or not.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2