Personal preferences in dating

[Nadador]

Since many of us get romantically involved with NTs [or are NTs involved with people on the spectrum] we're already facing a significant gap with our partners. Do you have any personal preferences about dating people with other differences, such as age, religion, social class, political leanings, race/ethnicity/nationality, etc.?

If so, I think it's understandable, and not mine or anyone else's to judge. But I thought it could be interesting to discuss, including whether or not these preferences exist because you feel the NT/ASD gap is already hard enough.

I'll admit, my AS and such affects my preferences somewhat. I have always tended to date very close to my age and economic background... and English, like me...so we share close generational and cultural experiences. Religion doesn't matter, as long as I'm not subjected to pressure of any kind. Politics matters a bit, as I'm quite environmentalist. I've not had the opportunity to date outside my ethnic group...I think that factor would depend on the person. I have no bias about physical appearance. That's just your space suit. The astronaut is inside.

What say you?

 

[The Penguin]

I find I pretty flexible. Personality to me is more important than looks. A huge turn off is being with someone that very controlling. I dated one person in my life that was like that and I glad that relationship came to an end. I learned many people into religion don't like atheist that I meet in my life. I'm not a person that bash someone religion as I believe people have the right to believe in whatever religion they choose. However, I don't accept anyone, even if they are a friend to force their religious believes on me. I will not accept someone say I should give up Lego and other interests that I like. Because I'm very different, if a person can't accept me who I'm I figure they can piss off. Despite most of my life I was a person always wanted to have someone, this is my first time I was able to handle my life without someone. Because of this, I can focus on fixing things in my life such as building to have a good income. What advice I would give someone don't change yourself for someone. You might end up being very un happy in the future if this person is very controlling.

 

[King_Oni]

I can't even begin to list the preferences I all have when it comes to dating. Granted, they ended up like this after trial and error.

I'm well aware that it might make me a bit "limited" in terms of dating and finding someone, but let's face it; if I'm going to settle with pretty much everything, she might just as well be "Miss Right now" instead of "Miss Right". I feel I've wasted enough time in trying something out and seeing where it goes.

For a while I've thought "if someone would just accept my weirdness" I'd be fine... but truth is, I'd rather have someone be part of the weirdness rather than just accept it and go with the flow. And this might very well include interests which others might perceive as immature. I've already found that my time is limited and occupied with my own interests, having someone else bring more crap in; I'm not sure how I'm going to fit that in, on top of time I'm going to spend time with a potential partner.

And don't even get me started on looks... While I can't outline a profile exactly in what I'd be looking for, there is plenty that doesn't appeal to me and a handful of things that tickle my fancy a bit more.

I've been thinking about this topic quite a bit since my last break-up a bit over a month ago and it's been a few interesting monologues I had with myself over a bottle of liquor to say the least.

I'll might come back to this topic later, and perhaps in more detail.

 

[Vanilla]

Ooh, I love list-making. Not in any particular order:

1. They're my best friend
2. Age appropriate, male
3. Looks are a bonus, not a requirement, though I'm partial to certain faces, and nice hair (I like playing with hair )
4. Don't care about religion or politics, as long as I'm not involved in either
   
5. All-round good guy; loyal, trustworthy, honest, dependable, fair
6. Comfortable; understands me, no awkward silences, able to live together without wanting to kill one another
   
7. Loves having deep conversations about various topics, or even about nothing in particular
8. The right balance of 'child at heart' and 'responsible adult'
9. Good sense of humour is a massive bonus
10. Loves cuddles

 

[bentHnau]

But I thought it could be interesting to discuss, including whether or not these preferences exist because you feel the NT/ASD gap is already hard enough.

That's an interesting thought to me because I have read at least one person with AS claim that dating outside of one's culture (thus a bigger gap in experiences) is better. I assume this person thought so because the expectation of differences creates a sort of buffer in which one's ASD-related quirks stand out less due to being backgrounded by cultural "quirks." Or, I guess, people who are willing to date outside of their cultural background tend to be open-minded by disposition.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I was fine with "settling". I figured the odds of me getting somebody who'd really get me were slim to none, so the best I could hope for was a responsible adult who didn't scare easy. When I was on the market, this was my main list:

- Male, and one that I would be comfortable with seeing after my kids. Some guys are just not meant to be authority figures and I didn't want them around my potential children.
- Within 3-4 years above or below my age. (Broke that one, my husband is 7 years older.)
- Thinks with both heads. I don't mind if you think I'm pretty, it'd just better not be the first compliment you make or the one you predominantly make. Also, accept that no means NO.
- Southern, or not a dick about me being Southern. I am so sick of being accused of being racist, stupid, or inbred just because of where I'm from.

And then my bonus list was:
- And also not get offended when I refer to myself as a "mutt". I often use animal terms for people, they don't need to be a ninny about it.
- Can entertain himself. I like to have my alone time, I don't want somebody I have to babysit all the time.
- Somebody I can play with. Responsibility and maturity is nice, but we gotta be able to goof off and laugh.
- Not be devoutly religious, political, or sportsy. I hate football and I really hate football fans. As obsessive as those people are, I think the whole stadium needs an autism test! I generally don't like pushy people either.
. Not a he-man, not a pushover. I want a guy that can stand his ground and not be grovelling all the time, but I don't want a "hurr hurr, I man, me roar" caveman either.
- A wee girly. I like those girly guys that keep themselves well groomed, aren't afraid of housework, and sometimes have a few traits more feminine than me. Really attractive. (And very hard to let a guy know you like that. Boy, do they get steamed when you call them girly! My husband describes himself as a "sophisticated country boy" instead.)
- Not sensitive about height. Yes, I'm tall for a female. Deal with it. I don't care if you're a bitsy guy or Andre the Giant, show me the same courtesy.

For the most part, I got all my list. Plus some. =)
One of my favorite little things is that we're about the same size all over. Obviously the hips and chest width don't match, but we're the same height and mostly have the same arm, leg, hand, and foot lengths. It's pretty cool.

 

[Nadador]

For a while I've thought "if someone would just accept my weirdness" I'd be fine... but truth is, I'd rather have someone be part of the weirdness rather than just accept it and go with the flow. And this might very well include interests which others might perceive as immature. I've already found that my time is limited and occupied with my own interests, having someone else bring more crap in; I'm not sure how I'm going to fit that in, on top of time I'm going to spend time with a potential partner.

I'll might come back to this topic later, and perhaps in more detail.

I would like to hear more from you on this, actually. I tend to enjoy your point of view.

About being "part of the weirdness"...I gave up on that ages ago, myself. My particular weirdness is tough to match, I've found. Having a few things in common at all is enough. I'd be perpetually single if I held out for more than that.

That's an interesting thought to me because I have read at least one person with AS claim that dating outside of one's culture (thus a bigger gap in experiences) is better. I assume this person thought so because the expectation of differences creates a sort of buffer in which one's ASD-related quirks stand out less due to being backgrounded by cultural "quirks." Or, I guess, people who are willing to date outside of their cultural background tend to be open-minded by disposition.

What an interesting thought. Hmm. I see your point. For me, some of it may be about my attachment to my childhood. I'm a bit old-fashioned, in many respects, and while I have no problem with people ethnically/culturally different from myself, I feel most comfortable with what I know best. [I think that's a big part of why I like men, truth be told. Familiarity, more than inherent orientation.] I never considered the idea of further difference as a buffer. Because sex and relationships are such a tough area for me, I gravitate to what feels most like "home".

 

[Nadador]

Bring on the list-makers!

3. Looks are a bonus, not a requirement, though I'm partial to certain faces, and nice hair (I like playing with hair)

7. Loves having deep conversations about various topics, or even about nothing in particular

Yours is a happy list. It made me feel very good, for some reason.

I don't notice looks much, at first, unless a person is a total shambles. I like nice hair, though Adam's head is clean-shaven. That was an adjustment. I sometimes have the urge to write or draw on his scalp.

Deep conversations are the sexiest thing in the world.

Do you mind people of other races/ethnicities?

...(edit) so the best I could hope for was a responsible adult who didn't scare easy.

- Thinks with both heads.
- I hate football and I really hate football fans.
- A wee girly. I like those girly guys that keep themselves well groomed, aren't afraid of housework, and sometimes have a few traits more feminine than me. Really attractive.

Your list had me ROLLING! I admit, you're a bit intimidating at times. And funny. I love that combination. It could be that, though, more than your AS, that makes you harder to pair up.

Yes, "thinks with both heads" is high on my list, too. Partly because I'm a disaster in dealing with the smaller one, and partly because I don't trust anyone who makes my appearance a big issue in their approach. I feel like the very sight of me screams, "I'm not about superficial nonsense." Or at least it should.

Oh, then you'd really hate the football [soccer] culture here. It defies description.

Adam is a bit feminine. Not effeminate, feminine. He looks masculine enough...nobody's mistaking him for a female, and he would make a lousy drag queen...but he has a softness in his voice and manner that I find delightful. And the man can COOK. My previous partners have all been like this, minus the culinary skill. Maybe softer men make me feel more "macho" for all of my problems?

 

[Vanilla]

Yours is a happy list. It made me feel very good, for some reason.

I don't notice looks much, at first, unless a person is a total shambles. I like nice hair, though Adam's head is clean-shaven. That was an adjustment. I sometimes have the urge to write or draw on his scalp.

Deep conversations are the sexiest thing in the world.

Do you mind people of other races/ethnicities?

Never underestimate the power of a positive attitude

Haha, it'll be amusing when Adam comes across that comment. And yes, deep conversations are a necessity. Ethnicity hasn't really been a major factor for me, I don't think. I may be more inclined towards certain types, but I've dated outside of my ethnical background before. I suppose it would only be an issue if our cultures, or beleif systems, were to clash horribly.

 

[Nadador]

Haha, it'll be amusing when Adam comes across that comment.

Haha! Adam knows. We once had a run around his sofa over it...me chasing him with a Sharpie marker!

 

[Vanilla]

Haha! Adam knows. We once had a run around his sofa over it...me chasing him with a Sharpie marker!

Aww, you two are so cute

 

[Cali Cat]

... share close generational and cultural experiences ...

Your comment there is exactly why I try to stick within a narrow range of age and background. I don't mind going a little older, because I used to hang out with older people when I was young. My late husband was 10 years older than me, and that's about as far as I would go. I will only date Americans or Englishmen (I was an Anglophile as a youngster). I think it's very important for partners to have a compatible sense of humor, and much of that sense is formed through exposure to the pop culture of a particular time IMO. For many of the same reasons, I don't date outside my ethnicity. There's simply too many differences to contend with. I haven't dated too many NTs either. Most men I'm attracted to are "off the beaten path," though I never knew why until I started learning about AS. Another "must have" is a man who is higher than average in intelligence and well-read.

I do have my preferences for specific physical features, but those typically go out the window when I get to know someone. I've dated some men no one would've ever expected me to be seen with, and I've ditched other guys that women swooned over ... all because of their personalities.

 

[Nadador]

Your comment there is exactly why I try to stick within a narrow range of age and background. I don't mind going a little older, because I used to hang out with older people when I was young. My late husband was 10 years older than me, and that's about as far as I would go. I will only date Americans or Englishmen (I was an Anglophile as a youngster). I think it's very important for partners to have a compatible sense of humor, and much of that sense is formed through exposure to the pop culture of a particular time IMO.

Another "must have" is a man who is higher than average in intelligence and well-read.

I thought I detected a bit of Anglophile in you, somehow. Except for your spellings, I might have thought you were English at first. We do make wonderful partners, if I do say so myself. I recommend us.

I see we share some views on compatibility. Age is a tricky one for me, because I like men of my own age [Adam and I are but a month apart], but I'm a bit childlike at times and attract the company of young people. I always partner with the former. I think a younger person would find my stodgier aspects a drag. The lads I work with are always ribbing me about my outdated expressions. I talk like my father, and like keeping that part of him and his era alive. I should be properly be dating old-age pensioners.

I'm still waiting for the day I hear of a woman who likes a dullard. If I ever felt sorry for a group of men, it's the ones whose wits are under-endowed!

 

[Cali Cat]

I thought I detected a bit of Anglophile in you, somehow. Except for your spellings, I might have thought you were English at first. We do make wonderful partners, if I do say so myself. I recommend us.

Indeed. I had one for 6 years (long distance of course). He was quite a fine chap. Pity I wasn't in the matrimonial mood. I might have been typing this in the Queen's English.

The lads I work with are always ribbing me about my outdated expressions. I talk like my father, and like keeping that part of him and his era alive.

Yes, I understand. I'm rather old-fashioned in that way too. My bf frequently laughs and says, "Wow, I haven't heard that in ages," when I throw out one of my obscure expressions.

I'm still waiting for the day I hear of a woman who likes a dullard. If I ever felt sorry for a group of men, it's the ones whose wits are under-endowed!

They do have their fans. I'm reminded of my sister-in-law's husband. He does as he's told.

 

[King_Oni]

I would like to hear more from you on this, actually. I tend to enjoy your point of view.

About being "part of the weirdness"...I gave up on that ages ago, myself. My particular weirdness is tough to match, I've found. Having a few things in common at all is enough. I'd be perpetually single if I held out for more than that.

I suppose what I was trying to say is that I've had my share of experiences with people with whom I felt incompatible by far. At first it's all fun and games and I seem to be a fun guy to hang around, but the moment the more serious aspects of life come in play I just seem to be out of the loop way, way too much.

It's interesting though, in that not too long ago many people I was hanging out with, were just at the end of their teens (18 to 20 year olds), while I was almost 10 years older. Perhaps it's a bit of a mental age thing as well. I've had a lot of fun with these people at times (and surely not necessarily for dating purposes), but at some point I found them to grow up and be less interesting, and clearly the feeling was mutual.

I guess I also feel that I'm the perpetual 18 year old, just with, at this point in life, 14 years of experience.

I've found that I have no issues connecting with people on a superficial level. I can have a fun conversation as it would seem and I might be a lot of fun to go out with every once in a while. It's when people get into the dating thing with me long term and on a regular basis it becomes exhausting. And for that reason I rather have someone be just as weird, not just being accepting of my peculiarities. Someone has to be able to keep up and go head to head with me on a daily basis, not just call me over whenever it suits someone and someone is actually well rested.

I'm perfectly fine if people don't share my full spectrum of interests I guess, but some things I just have a hard time setting aside, since to me they require a certain devotion in terms of time and money. And then there are some that just require two people to make it a meaningful endeavor.

 

[Nadador]

Indeed. I had one for 6 years (long distance of course). He was quite a fine chap. Pity I wasn't in the matrimonial mood. I might have been typing this in the Queen's English.

They do have their fans. I'm reminded of my sister-in-law's husband. He does as he's told.

Did you ever get over to Blighty? Whereabouts?

Is you sister-in-law's husband not your...brother? Though after what you said, I imagine a Laborador Retriever. You are obviously too feline to be related by blood to that.

 

[Cali Cat]

Did you ever get over to Blighty? Whereabouts?.

Several times. I used to spend a couple of months at a time ... you can do that when you're self-employed and have a partner to run the business.

We traveled all over the place. London (of course), Stonehenge (naturally), all over Kent where his father lived in Larkfield, up the motorway to Newcastle upon Tyne where he lives, and we stopped along the way at many places. We camped out in Stratford upon Avon for a couple of nights once ... that was interesting (cuz' I don't like camping you see). He also took me up to Edinburgh for one New Year's (Hogmanay) holiday. Those Scots know how to par-tay. Oh, and we once made a trip to Paris for a week by rail, and flew to Spain for a weekend on the Mediterranean. In short, we got around.

Is you sister-in-law's husband not your...brother? Though after what you said, I imagine a Laborador Retriever. You are obviously to feline to be related by blood to that.

Oh, no. My late husband's sister. The poor bloke she married is a bit of a daft fellow who is happy to follow her lead. It just goes to show, there's someone for everybody.

 

[Nadador]

...(edit) It's interesting though, in that not too long ago many people I was hanging out with, were just at the end of their teens (18 to 20 year olds), while I was almost 10 years older. Perhaps it's a bit of a mental age thing as well.

I've found that I have no issues connecting with people on a superficial level. I can have a fun conversation as it would seem and I might be a lot of fun to go out with every once in a while.

I'm perfectly fine if people don't share my full spectrum of interests I guess, but some things I just have a hard time setting aside, since to me they require a certain devotion in terms of time and money.

I attract young people, as playmates, but also often in a mentor capacity, which baffles me. It's a nice interdependence when it happens. I get to monkey around and act a schoolboy, and they get some worldly advice, though I'd say I'm probably getting the better end of the bargain. My current crop haven't aged out of me, yet. Or me out of them. I'll be sad when that time comes.

You're lucky that you can do small talk well. I get physically squrimy when I have to do that, and it must surely put people off. Going out with my mates is tough. I like a good pint now and then, but the atmosphere in pubs and clubs shuts me down in short order. If you can enjoy that, you're lucky again. It's such a big part of male socialisation where I am. Not enjoying it much leaves me at a disadvantage.

You've nailed it by saying it can be hard setting certain interests aside for the investment you feel they require. That's a HUGE problem for me. I am quite single-minded about my passions, and can't having anything keeping me from them, when that's what I want to be doing. A lot of people, partners in particular, don't understand and can get quite jealous. I try to be up-front about this, but people don't seem to grasp it. I guess partners think that after a while, I'll just naturally want to shift my attention more to them. They have a surprise coming. Perhaps it's selfish, but I have been doing what I do forever, and I intend to keep it that way.

 

[Nadador]

Several times. I used to spend a couple of months at a time ... you can do that when you're self-employed and have a partner to run the business.

We traveled all over the place....(edit) He also took me up to Edinburgh for one New Year's (Hogmanay) holiday. Those Scots know how to par-tay. Oh, and we once made a trip to Paris for a week by rail, and flew to Spain for a weekend on the Mediterranean. In short, we got around.

I see it took little prompting for you to slip into Britspeak.

Two of the big advantages to England are its proximity to the rest of the world and its small size for getting around. America is so large and isolated. I have great fun there [right now I should say "here"], but I can imagine feeling disconnected from others parts of your country, and everywhere else. The regional differences are staggering. I could well imagine there are New Yorkers, for example, whose dating preferences would include restrictions on people from the South. There's a bit of that in England, too, but it's more to do with class associations, I think. Or is it the same there? I suppose everybody thinks their own home culture is superior, to some extent...when they're not criticising it, that is.

Edinburgh is a fascinating city. I love the festivals and walking the cemeteries. The Museum of Scotland is good fun. And there's a pub on the Royal Mile that has such fantastic haggis soup that this vegetarian ignored his principles to indulge.

Come back to us, Cali Cat. Come back!

 

[King_Oni]

I attract young people, as playmates, but also often in a mentor capacity, which baffles me. It's a nice interdependence when it happens. I get to monkey around and act a schoolboy, and they get some worldly advice, though I'd say I'm probably getting the better end of the bargain. My current crop haven't aged out of me, yet. Or me out of them. I'll be sad when that time comes.

I suppose I've been like that at times. Probably even if it's just to show them what a bad example looks like, lol.

In all the time people never asked for my age, and I didn't put my age out there either. Then at some point some people found out my age and they were surprised, since I didn't act, dress nor look like someone age appropriate.

I suppose it's a good thing in that I don't really ground well with olders crowds in general. Well, I might get along with people older than me on this forum, but in person...not so much. I once was told that I'm a perfect enabler for an older guys midlife crisis. In that I'm still doing the stuff many would probably wanted to do in their late teens, early 20's. That's the amount of toxic precence I've brought to some guys my age (and some even a few years younger).

You're lucky that you can do small talk well. I get physically squrimy when I have to do that, and it must surely put people off. Going out with my mates is tough. I like a good pint now and then, but the atmosphere in pubs and clubs shuts me down in short order. If you can enjoy that, you're lucky again. It's such a big part of male socialisation where I am. Not enjoying it much leaves me at a disadvantage.

I think my advantage with smalltalk is that I pick my battles well. I don't end up in just any bar or club. I probably end up in the clubs that cater to certain crowds. I suppose I can idenitfy myself somewhat as "goth" and the conversations I had at bars with these kind of people were about my interests, since plenty in that subculture have their own music projects going on. So my type of smalltalk and conversation is mostly about music, equipment, musictheory and such.

When it comes to the younger crowd, it was mainly that I frequented a local gamingstore to play cardgames (Magic: the gathering tournaments) and often would hang out till late after closing, to have a drink with a few other people attending. So the foundation was set on how to make friends so to speak. Of course, a few things like my job (or lack thereof) came into play eventually, but I'm relatively smooth in redirecting conversations like that. Let's just say I have my way with words (and all things considering; the way I communicate in English on this forum has nothing on me in terms of me being social in my native tongue)

Perhaps I'm also lucky in that I can control conversations pretty well though. Not to toot my own horn, but I've managed to walk in at a meet-up where I never showed up before (but had reasons to actually be among the crowd; something I'll not put out here, but if you're interested, I'll talk through PM over it) and managed to captivate all attending with my ramblings without someone interjecting me, not even the one who "organized" the meet-up (and who one might consider the host). I can be quite smooth, which is so un-aspielike I guess. But I think it heavily revolves around talking about interests and bringing interesting angles to the mix. I've also been told that I tend to have this presence if I'm among people; I'm just clearly noticeably around even if I don't say a word. And luckily being the center of attention never really got the bad side of me in that sense. Heh, I mean; I've been on stage for roughly 1500 people once as singer in a local band... and that was the first time I ever ended up on a stage. I found that quite a pleasant rush.

Said presence I have when I'm in a room usually gets negated by trained professionals, but that's about it, heh. A therapist can and often will try to brute force me and get through, just like other people who have some kind of authority like cops or the folks from the welfare office. But aside from that, I seem to be a tough nut to crack in person. Luckily I'm aware of it and really try to not steamroll over everyone mentally and verbally... quite sure it would be a good feeding ground for anyone with a unhealthy dose of narcissism.

You've nailed it by saying it can be hard setting certain interests aside for the investment you feel they require. That's a HUGE problem for me. I am quite single-minded about my passions, and can't having anything keeping me from them, when that's what I want to be doing. A lot of people, partners in particular, don't understand and can get quite jealous. I try to be up-front about this, but people don't seem to grasp it. I guess partners think that after a while, I'll just naturally want to shift my attention more to them. They have a surprise coming. Perhaps it's selfish, but I have been doing what I do forever, and I intend to keep it that way.

I often see them as pretty rational, not really passions. I just break down the amount of time I've spent in my life doing certain things. I've spent a lot of time and money in crafting my music skills, so I'm not going to give that up. Not even in terms of spending my own time, let alone in terms of getting rid of instruments and such.

It's interesting though, since I've just started writing up a slight profile for a dating website and I've pretty much mentioned musicians would have my preference, not just as communication partners, but if neccesary even as means to collaborate. I'd rather spend my saturdaynight writing new music than watching a movie anyway, so that's how I would like to fix some issues.

Looking at my previous relationship; yes, we had a few things in common, but they didn't really seem things that I could build a foundation on. Someone being a gamer is such a... I would almost say, non-productive pasttime. I enjoy playing videogames as the next one, but just... I don't know. To me that's too much of a leisure activity to bond over. And the list goes on with similar interests... and if you take in considering the aspiebrain and how it often is way more specific and targeted towards just a certain aspect, it does get a bit harder in general I suppose.