People don't believe me when I tell them I'm Autistic. Thoughts?

[Zara19]

I don't bother telling people anymore. Many days I don't believe I'm autistic myself. I wonder if its a personality or anxiety thing. I wrote some stuff about how I relate to people. Feedback would be appreciated.

People are hard, I need to invest an enormous amount of energy into understanding basic things. I use scripts to help me. My scripts are incredibly complex. Like instruction manuals or algorithms built from the ground up to deal with very specific things like, gestures, tones of voice, phrases.

Combining countless numbers of these scripts together allows me to react appropriately to a specific situations.

In an ideal situation scripts allow me to function well enough to make it through encounters. In a not so ideal situation I don’t have the required scripts available and am forced to go off road and or use scripts not suited to the situation.

(people x environment x actions being taken = effectiveness of script)

New people, new environments and unfamiliar actions all increase the difficulty level of the situation exponentially. As a result certain things are very important to me.

-What is the current goal of the social unit one is interacting with? (Social unit can be an individual, group or vague collective) Multiple individuals, groups, new people all increase the variables. Less clear goals. Clear goals are very important. Playing games or working on a task with clear defines goals and or boundary’s is incredibly soothing.

Certain incoming stimuli can be very disorientating. This increases the need to know Where we are going which ties into what the groups overall goal is. Clear goals means clear destinations. Means a better idea of what kind/number of people and environments will be faced in the future.

Over exposure to aforementioned factors can result in.

-Intense anxiety

-fatigue

-headaches

-burnout/shutdown


Further issues.


-When interacting with people I become almost blind to my surroundings.

-Stimming (waving hands around, pacing, moving in odd ways) is a very important pressure valve.

-Monitoring volume and tone of voice is very difficult

-My accent is weird

-Black and white thinking

-Very sensitive to physical stimuli (will only wear certain clothes)

-Lack of inhibition

-Extremely specific interests (almost perfect memory in relation to those interests)

-Liable speak in monotone

-little awareness of other (this is actually flipped to hyper awareness of other as a result of scripts, but I miss certain seemingly obvious things very regularily)


All of what I’ve said so far make me so sound pretty weird. But in reality I appear fairly normal and do normal things for someone of my age. All of the aforementioned things don’t appear nearly as apparent as I actively offset them with specific scripts that make me act ‘normal’

I’ve been learning scripts my whole life but only as a kind of instinctive response. When I was 14 I started actively putting every ounce of my energy into learning scripts. Before then I was very self contained teenager. I was completely non functional in any group setting, and came off as quite weird in individual interactions.

Socially I was fairly reliably quite a few years behind my peers. At 9 I had the social intelligence of a 5 year old, at 14 the social intelligence of a 9 year old. From then on I developed rapidly. But at a serious cost. Like I said before scripts are incredibly draining.

One script I remember learning when I was very young was eye contact. I did not usually look people in the eye when communicating. But my father always told me to look him and others straight in the eye when talking to them. I very quickly switched to always looking people in the eye. This unsettled them. It was only years later when I was 12 that a teacher explained to me that its important to look away from people every now and again when talking to them. So I set a timer in my head to go off every 5-10 seconds to look away. Much of my scripts are like this. Specific responses to specific incoming and outgoing visual stimuli. Increasinging to crazy complex levels.

When my scripts don’t work. And a few of the bad things line up. I wont become non functional, it might not even be apparent to an outsider that anything major is wrong. I might become a little haphazard or withdrawn, maybe a little moody, or possibly over friendly. But inside I could be having a panic attack. I just let my scripts run automatically and quietly burn down in my head.

Shutdown was more common when younger, now burnout is more common. Burnout or ‘social hangover’ can lead to up to days of intense anxiety, headaches, fatigue, lethargy, depression, confusion.

I find it almost impossible to talk about these experiences to people. They nod and say they get it. I think maybe it is so alien to them that they equate the result with the cause. The result being anxiety.

 

[BraidedPony]

You sound Aspie to me. I think it’s strange when people don’t believe us. Who would know us best? Ourselves!
Have things been better now that you stopped telling people you’re on the spectrum? It would be one less thing to defend, if that’s the right word.
Share the information with those you become closest to so you aren’t being vulnerable to people who don’t deserve to know.

 

[Isadoorian]

Yes; many people tend to not believe Autistic people really are on the Spectrum because they don't seem to express Autistic traits or they seem a lot more NT than Autistic; also it's just plain old ignorance more than anything

 

[Gritches]

You sound very Aspie to me. The way you described scripts was so dead-on.

You're wise not to tell people though. By telling people, you're basically asking for socially-acceptable discrimination and abuse. People telling you you're not Autistic is an act of aggression against your own personal identity. You're probably internalizing what they say and doubting yourself.

God's honest truth, it sounds like you're having a common Aspie problem: an identity crisis. If you were ostracized in your late teens and early twenties - that is to say, you didn't have a niche in the world you lived in - then it's likely that like many of us you fell into the "Role Confusion" side of Erik Erikson's psychosocial developmental stage of "Identity vs. Role Confusion", which in short means you've got an identity crisis and will continue to have one until you've decided firmly on who you are and what your place is in this world.

I can say all this with a certainty because you provided a wealth of highly useful information on how you tick. I would bet my bottom dollar that you're having this very common problem, and that's why it gets to you when somebody assails your identity by telling you that you aren't autistic.

 

[Pats]

And you'll always hear a lot of "everyone does that" and "If it doesn't affect your ability to function you don't have it". They can't see what's going on inside of you and if you're not like Rainman, they don't get it. Oh, another is, "You're not smart enough or have a special ability".
What you described does sound like aspergers and you're good at hiding it as most females are. But that inside train wreck and exhaustion is not something non-autistics will ever know.

 

[Suzanne]

Wow, you being all that and still not believed? It is because people associate autism with severe handicap and so, facing them is a "normal" looking person and their brains focus on that. This has happened a lot with me. No way are you autistic. You look completely normal. Oh dear, we all get that you know, does that mean we are on the spectrum too? I am unable to battle against that kind of attitude.

Spending time with us, is what will "convince" people.

I used to do what you did to fit in, in a very small way. I read tons of books on how to fit in socially, but never succeeding in putting into action, because of how inferior I can feel.

I am seeing my psychiatrist today and have to rely on my husband being my voice, which is scary, because he usually lets me down, especially when he doesn't fully believe. However, I believe he feels more convinced than ever now and has asked me to send him an email to explain what I require from him.

We live in France and so, my husband is my interpreter. I can speak French to a certain point, but in that sort of environment and how my therapist talks, I have a hard time understanding him and France is sooo prejudiced against female autism and I am text book. I do not have a monotone voice. I am terrible with math.

My word holds very little count and so, by my husband backing me up, I might be able to convince my therapist to at least test me.

 

[Progster]

I don't tell people that I have Asperger's unless they for some reason really need to know. People misunderstand autism and they don't know what it really is because they don't experience it for themselves, so don't expect that people are going to understand. When they hear the word 'autism', all they understand is Rainman or Sheldon Cooper or whatever media stereotype they have seen recently. I might tell people that I'm sensitive to noise, that I can't concentrate or hear over background noise, that I find it hard to approach and talk to new people, that I don't like using the phone, because these are things that they can undestand. I don't tell them that I'm autistic.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Its probably better if people doesnt tell, you managed to hide most of your visible prbls , thats actually an assets.

Just like you I doubt but I had few but typical autistic behavior that I remember even in my young adulthood.
In addition with the psychologist I had an Iq test and an official diagnosis from a psychatrist , he told me that it was impossible to tell right away aswell.

My only doubts now is to know if all my problems are asd or if I have other stuffnlile adhd anxiety or depression.

I say that just to tell you that you are not alone in this, and you should take that as an advantage.
Think on the contrary of the people who have visible disabilities even when it come to asd.
They are sad that people cant go past that visible part of them and they feel that they are reduced to their issues.

On the opposite we look normal for most people that are not aware of that so they expect us to perform as much, and we feel that no one will ever understand. But at least we got more chance in life, and in time you will be able to explain it to your relatives and as they know you more they will understand.

The world doesnt need to know.

 

[Mr Allen]

From your description in the OP you're definitely on the spectrum IMO.

If they don't believe it it's THEIR problem, not yours.

 

[Adora]

I usually don’t tell anyone that I am on the spectrum unless it’s on a need to know basis,I am pretty sure I just come across to others as very shy and awkward and I have issues with filtering out background noise aswell so I just say it’s hard to hear others speaking when there is stuff around me,my psychologist once said to me that people probably wouldn’t see anything on the surface but they don’t know what goes on inside my head which is true and to be honest I rather people not know about myself unless it’s necessary.

 

[Crossbreed]

Clear goals means clear destinations.

True enough, but the hard part (for us, anyway) is that, sometimes, it isn't about the destination. It is about the journey...!

There is a concept in writing [TV, movies, etc.] called the "McGuffin." It is the object of pursuit of all of the main characters in the story. The story isn't about just getting the McGuffin and calling it a day. It is about dealing with all of the conflicts and obstacles that stand in the way of getting it.

 

[Pats]

Wow, you being all that and still not believed? It is because people associate autism with severe handicap and so, facing them is a "normal" looking person and their brains focus on that. This has happened a lot with me. No way are you autistic. You look completely normal. Oh dear, we all get that you know, does that mean we are on the spectrum too? I am unable to battle against that kind of attitude.

Spending time with us, is what will "convince" people.

I used to do what you did to fit in, in a very small way. I read tons of books on how to fit in socially, but never succeeding in putting into action, because of how inferior I can feel.

I am seeing my psychiatrist today and have to rely on my husband being my voice, which is scary, because he usually lets me down, especially when he doesn't fully believe. However, I believe he feels more convinced than ever now and has asked me to send him an email to explain what I require from him.

We live in France and so, my husband is my interpreter. I can speak French to a certain point, but in that sort of environment and how my therapist talks, I have a hard time understanding him and France is sooo prejudiced against female autism and I am text book. I do not have a monotone voice. I am terrible with math.

My word holds very little count and so, by my husband backing me up, I might be able to convince my therapist to at least test me.

Why is it that you're supposed to be good at Math - Math is more of a guy thing anyway. I'm fine with Math but my thing is more English - I loved diagramming sentences in school and sometimes still do it in my head. I love words and letters.
I was going to ask before how things were going with your psychiatrist.

 

[Pats]

Its probably better if people doesnt tell, you managed to hide most of your visible prbls , thats actually an assets.

Just like you I doubt but I had few but typical autistic behavior that I remember even in my young adulthood.
In addition with the psychologist I had an Iq test and an official diagnosis from a psychatrist , he told me that it was impossible to tell right away aswell.

My only doubts now is to know if all my problems are asd or if I have other stuffnlile adhd anxiety or depression.

I say that just to tell you that you are not alone in this, and you should take that as an advantage.
Think on the contrary of the people who have visible disabilities even when it come to asd.
They are sad that people cant go past that visible part of them and they feel that they are reduced to their issues.

On the opposite we look normal for most people that are not aware of that so they expect us to perform as much, and we feel that no one will ever understand. But at least we got more chance in life, and in time you will be able to explain it to your relatives and as they know you more they will understand.

The world doesnt need to know.

My siblings were the worst to try to convince and they could be most helpful. When I'd point out things their response was that's just who I am. But then, I'm trying to convince them at age 60 and it probably hurts them because they thought they knew who I was and now finding out that they didn't?

 

[AnnieFoxPoint]

People don't believe you because they don't understand what autistic means. Especially for women. Like it or not, we are all now in the business of educating the world.

You sound like you're having a lot of problems. Getting a diagnosis can be helpful in getting the attention you need and deserve from the people you are trying to communicate with and it might also lead you to some other support that you need. From your avatar I assume that you're a woman. Finding someone who knows how to evaluate women can be a challenge but I think worthwhile.

Instead of explaining your needs in an off the cuff manner, maybe take some time to put together information that you can present to people. Both in writing and short oral explanations. You might find that you need different versions for different audiences. That's Ok. Do one at a time. If you only get one done, you're that much ahead of the game.

Maybe something in writing for doctors, close family and friends who need more information. Something sort and spoken for other situations. Maybe just "It is really helpful if I know the details of where we're going ahead of time."

You sound very frustrated. If they see you as coming across as irritated or angry, it will be harder for them to really listen. Even if that's not what you are intending to convey. Not fair, but I try to remember that the other person has their own set of difficulties and maybe aren't as aware of theirs as I am of mine. "try". I don't always manage this and neither will you.

Try explaining your needs at a neutral time - before you're in the middle of a difficult situation. You won't be able to do this all the time or with all people but every little bit will help.

And some people just won't get it no matter how you approach them.

 

[Catana]

Most people really don't care about your problems or any of your personal issues, and it's unrealistic to expect them to. Unless someone absolutely needs to know that you're autistic, why tell them? It's none of their business. It obviously doesn't help you.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

My siblings were the worst to try to convince and they could be most helpful. When I'd point out things their response was that's just who I am. But then, I'm trying to convince them at age 60 and it probably hurts them because they thought they knew who I was and now finding out that they didn't?

Well my own father doesnt believe me , my mother told me that its the worst thing I could have ever said to her, soooo...
I try to be as positive as possible for other, from a young adult perspective, you are more likely to meet new person and I was talking about that, for instance you dont need to talk about it to all your coworker but if you get realy close to one of them and share more than work well maybe at some point you could talk about it...My point is that you can meet people who would understand you, but not everybody should know about it.

My best friend told me he felt I was different, he doesnt have the knowledge and now he has grown up its not a precise memory but more like a feeling.

Anyway, in the case of my parents, my father doesnt want to talk about it and says it's BS but in my opinion it's because he is also on the spectrum and its more obvious than me.
And my mother well I dont know, she was always anxious about me and now she doesnt want to bring the topic up again, talking about it is like going back to places she doesnt want to remember. I dont know if it is because she thinks its her fault or what

Maybe what you talk about with your sibling is also things that they can relate to but they refuse to think that they might have ASD. I mean some people with ASD manage to have a life they like and they dont want to consider themselves different.

 

[Moka]

The more self acceptance one can gain, the more comfort there is in knowing that you just happen to see life from a different perspective.

For example, I know that I'm a bit different, and that I have my limits in social situations, and need to have some quiet time each day. But that's all good, and even better, if those within your inner circle of family and friends, understand how you function (or should I say dis-function) all according to who's standards you are going by.

Although life can be extremely challenging at times, I try to see the bright side, and think of being on the spectrum as a gift, rather than a setback. Many people with this condition have a creative side and ability to solve problems which others do not. We also tend to be genuinely sensitive and caring - which the world could use a lot more of these days.

Having Aspergers from my perspective is like being able to see and experience the world through the eyes of a child - yet with the wisdom of an old soul.

To the OP... Embrace your uniqueness, and don't worry if others don't want to acknowledge that you have this or not.

 

[Pats]

Well my own father doesnt believe me , my mother told me that its the worst thing I could have ever said to her, soooo...
I try to be as positive as possible for other, from a young adult perspective, you are more likely to meet new person and I was talking about that, for instance you dont need to talk about it to all your coworker but if you get realy close to one of them and share more than work well maybe at some point you could talk about it...My point is that you can meet people who would understand you, but not everybody should know about it.

My best friend told me he felt I was different, he doesnt have the knowledge and now he has grown up its not a precise memory but more like a feeling.

Anyway, in the case of my parents, my father doesnt want to talk about it and says it's BS but in my opinion it's because he is also on the spectrum and its more obvious than me.
And my mother well I dont know, she was always anxious about me and now she doesnt want to bring the topic up again, talking about it is like going back to places she doesnt want to remember. I dont know if it is because she thinks its her fault or what

Maybe what you talk about with your sibling is also things that they can relate to but they refuse to think that they might have ASD. I mean some people with ASD manage to have a life they like and they dont want to consider themselves different.

I wish my mom had still been around when I got the diagnosis. I think she would have believed me. She used to ask me why I was doing this or that, did I have something wrong with me. I think usually mom's have a hard time accepting their child is not perfect and do feel to blame.

 

[Crossbreed]

I have an opposite, but related problem. Some of my kids refuse to believe that I am autistic...!

My middle daughter [27] is likely an Aspie, but she'll refuse to consider that even though she has had complete strangers ask her if she was.

 

[Pats]

I have an opposite, but related problem. Some of my kids refuse to believe that I am autistic...!

My middle daughter [27] is likely an Aspie, but she'll refuse to consider that even though she has had complete strangers ask her if she was.

My kids had no problem believing it. One of my sons thought for a second then replied, "Yeah, I can see that". My other son agrees that he is also on the spectrum. And on of my daughters believes she probably is, too, along with her son, but her husband won't even allow it to be discussed.