Past determining my future

[Judge]

Pure dumb luck.
I'm going through hell just as bad as the OP. I tried so hard I am losing my mind appetite sleep willing to live, but I still put myself out there and go to new places like the dumb jerk I am to prove all you wrong and still fail.

You're so focused on conventional friendships and relationships with others that you have long neglected your own issues. The kind probably best dealt with through a psychiatrist or neurologist. The sort of thing that's well above what any therapist or online forum can do for you.

To find peace you need to get help before you can approach others. Something you apparently haven't figured out yet.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I'm not entitled to have female friends, just say it. I'm done with you.

 

[tree]

I am willing to read the explanations/suggestions.

Yes.
You've demonstrated that you're willing to read them.
What you don't appear willing to do is employ them
for anything more than a day or two.

 

[Judge]

I'm not entitled to have female friends, just say it. I'm done with you.

Friendship is about ability and a willingness to give more to someone than you take. It's not an entitlement at all. With social chemistry often playing a part in whether you succeed or fail.

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm not entitled to have female friends, just say it. I'm done with you.

Sadly, your attitude, demeanor and behavior have caused females to be done with you.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I done with all of the you

 

[tree]

I'm not entitled to have female friends, just say it. I'm done with you.

Using the word 'entitled' to describe an expectation of friendship
is not appropriate. Nobody has a legal right to having friends, or cause to demand
that people be friends with them.

Dictionary.com | Meanings & Definitions of English Words

 

[Matthias]

I'm not entitled to have female friends, just say it. I'm done with you.

No one is entitled to a relationship with anyone. That kind of attitude turns people away.

The way you approach relationships is like someone who spends 5 years applying to be a doctor or a lawyer despite not having the necessary education or experience for those positions, while constantly blaming employers, the universe, and everyone but themselves for their lack of employment.

If you want a relationship with someone, it has to be mutually beneficial. The people you are pursuing relationships with are too dissimilar to yourself. They're in a different league that you can't compete in yet. Similar to a job, if you want a relationship, you have to start with people who are appropriate for what you have to offer (the more similar to yourself the better - autistic, unemployed, etc.). That's enough to get a relationship. If you want relationships with a broader range of people, you have to work to improve your character, mental health, employment, etc. to become more similar to the people you want a relationship with.

 

[Markness]

Sadly, your attitude, demeanor and behavior have caused females to be done with you.

To paraphrase Justin Urban: “I want to attract women, not drive them away.” I think that’s what keeps me from being an incel. I know that there are women who like men who aren’t the stereotypical “bad boys/Alpha Males”, I just struggle socially because I didn’t have good role models and I was socially isolated a lot in my developmental years.

 

[Markness]

Using the word 'entitled' to describe an expectation of friendship
is not appropriate. Nobody has a legal right to having friends, or cause to demand
that people be friends with them.

Dictionary.com | Meanings & Definitions of English Words

I’ve been told I come off as entitled. I think it’s unintentional, though, because of the pressure my family put onto me.

 

[tree]

You started this thread over a year and a half ago.
Speculating that your past determines your future.

That appears to be your current conclusion.

Posts #149 and #150, for example, both refer to
previous experiences as holding sway over your
ability to act in the present.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Sometimes insights are gained in weird ways. Went to party last night Just after we got their doing our standard introductions to old friends when wife speaking to a good friend when suddenly he just collapsed. one second I was just looking around and he was stretched out on the ground like a fallen tree. Not sure what happened His wife stated this was not the first time. This morning wife stated this used to happen to her when she first came to city. Got checked out medically , nothing found. Then she stated, since I meet you never again ever had an issue. She was new to the big city no idea how to act trusted no one. Us aspies have a way about us on the outside not easily flustered,
analytical stuff a lot of women like.

 

[Matthias]

That's a very important point. That there is no instant solution to such problems. That it takes much effort, and on a repeat basis before it can really sink in. To persevere no matter how many obstacles remain in your way.

Another reason why I mentioned practicing something until it becomes a habit is that some people need to make several changes in their life to accomplish their goals (such as getting a girlfriend). I think this is likely true for @Markness and @Tony Ramirez

Something like developing a positive attitude may be necessary but not sufficient. Some people will try it for a few weeks, give up (go back to thinking negatively) when it doesn't work, move on to something else, and wonder why nothing works. Making one change, by itself, might not do much, but making several changes might allow them to accomplish their goals. Of course, it's easier to learn one thing at a time which means they need to continue doing it (despite not noticing any benefits) while they make additional changes in their lives.

 

[Mary Terry]

YTo paraphrase Justin Urban: “I want to attract women, not drive them away.” I think that’s what keeps me from being an incel. I know that there are women who like men who aren’t the stereotypical “bad boys/Alpha Males”, I just struggle socially because I didn’t have good role models and I was socially isolated a lot in my developmental years.

You can change those dynamics now that you're an adult, Mark. You can be your own "role model" and you can do things to reduce social isolation.

 

[honeytoast]

Markness, I do want to say that you have tried. You do put yourself out there; you have posted about meeting someone, and we've all encouraged it. You've posted about going to events and chatting with people. It didn't work out. You do try certain things out. I really do think that you do try.

However, I think as a way to cope with the rejection or why it didn't work out, you do use a lot of excuses as a shield. You want someone to tell you what to do, and when that advice is given, there's an excuse to say "oh I can't do that" or an assumption being made. It's a bit redundant at this point to just constantly rehash the same thing over and over again.

You post about wanting to be away from your family, but you don't do anything to change that, other than post about it. It has been said to you before that you would benefit from being away from them. Are you nervous about not having that safety net of a place to stay and people who provide some support to you? Have you lived on your own before? Are you anxious about being the sole provider for your needs?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Sometimes you just have to cut the cord, stick your neck out. or nothing happens. My wife's youngest sister never left home, moved her boyfriend in with her parents 50 years later parents passed. Mother made sure the house was sold in her will proceeds split evenly, SIster ended up purchasing the house at market value, significant mortgage, rest of us own our homes outright her and her boyfriend in 60's know sister lost her job robots took over what she was doing frantically looking for another position. Last we heard possible employer told her he only hires guys, That's how life works Her nephew my son fixes robots. that's the ironic part.You never win if you do not change, Status quo is not moving ahead. Bottom line nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

[Markness]

Markness, I do want to say that you have tried. You do put yourself out there; you have posted about meeting someone, and we've all encouraged it. You've posted about going to events and chatting with people. It didn't work out. You do try certain things out. I really do think that you do try.

However, I think as a way to cope with the rejection or why it didn't work out, you do use a lot of excuses as a shield. You want someone to tell you what to do, and when that advice is given, there's an excuse to say "oh I can't do that" or an assumption being made. It's a bit redundant at this point to just constantly rehash the same thing over and over again.

You post about wanting to be away from your family, but you don't do anything to change that, other than post about it. It has been said to you before that you would benefit from being away from them. Are you nervous about not having that safety net of a place to stay and people who provide some support to you? Have you lived on your own before? Are you anxious about being the sole provider for your needs?

I am not nervous about it. A major factor is that I don’t have the finances to fully support myself. My mother has also sabotaged my attempts to move out by guilt tripping me about herself getting old and needing help and being paranoid that I’ll get harmed or even killed.
I’ve never lived on my own before due to my mother being a control freak, not making enough money, and for not succeeding at things I wanted.

 

[Markness]

I generally don’t socialize with my family unless I can’t avoid it. Being passive aggressive and making guilt trips are very common in my family as well.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I am concurrently responding to two threads , your answer may be in the other thread as they are intertwined.basically no easy answers. You have to put the work in; if you do, the rewards will come in ways you do not expect.

 

[Xinyta]

I am not nervous about it. A major factor is that I don’t have the finances to fully support myself. My mother has also sabotaged my attempts to move out by guilt tripping me about herself getting old and needing help and being paranoid that I’ll get harmed or even killed.
I’ve never lived on my own before due to my mother being a control freak, not making enough money, and for not succeeding at things I wanted.

Whether you are nervous or not. You have been goaded into being less than. More so from your own mindset, than anything. Sure. Your mom has her own concerns, but her problems are not yours. Whether she is guilting you or not, is a matter of perspective. I think the guilting is self-inflicted. Because she realistically has ZERO control over you as an adult, as far as making your own decisions. You are your own person. The best she can do is provide her suggestions and advice.

While this isn't exactly the same thing. I have some hang-ups with my Dad that have stifled me in a lot of important ways. It's kind of like an obsession. A very unhealthy obsession. I've fallen into the trap of not wanting to do anything because my Dad isn't around to show me, or there to support me. I hinged so much on getting attention from Dad. But because I didn't talk about my internal problems ever. Neither mom nor dad knew. I think I was banking on my Dad picking up on my struggle and doing something about it. He never really did. So I opted to blame mom for my misery and proceeded to hate her, in place of Dad. Namely because dad was never around for long enough.

Like @honeytoast said about looking for others to tell you what to do. I've fallen into that trap myself, though I still only listen half the time.

You need to understand first that you have more control, than you think. You have far more agency than you have given yourself credit for.

You are a living, breathing human being. Not a programmed robot, waiting for commands.