Past determining my future

[Mary Terry]

So are my kids. quite familiar with NT's we just have different cultures as Aspies and like likes like. My step grandson I suspect is also one of us His natural dad is engineer My son has great relationship with him love buying gifts for him as I ger him. Now ten, loves math. Bottom line if you want to be in a serious relationship please take your mask off. acting is not a good idea. be yourself. Maybe thats why your alone.A perceptive person will notice and move on.

So you actually like NTs.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

No issue just found out without knowing I was one I prefer fellow Aspies as friends, My closest friend is my Aspie brother. Plus really close to my Aspie sister. Also like debating my NT brothers. One with psychology degree. who admits he was taught nothing about Aspergers as part of the curriculum.forty seven years ago. Either way I am better at math then him both of us love science. He is better at chemistry then I am through I majored in it.

 

[Markness]

I would not be employable and I would not have NT friends if I did not mask. That being said, I don't have to make completely around my employer or friends, there is a degree of acceptance for my quirks.

I thought masking was pretending to be something you are not? In my case, I was often pressured to be a “tough guy” or “bad boy.”

 

[Judge]

I thought masking was pretending to be something you are not? In my case, I was often pressured to be a “tough guy” or “bad boy.”

Not at all. I consider it simply a "social defensive mechanism" to deflect potentially problematic encounters with people, whether NT or ND. To be aware in real time of a need to "keep the peace" and try to avoid looking or speaking in a controversial way.

Bad boy or tough guy? WTH ? Ohhhhh.... I smell Texas. And no, you don't need a pickup either.

Change my personality ? LOL...no. Be me, but just be "careful me". Masking to me is about diplomacy- not personality. To be kind and courteous, and mildly complimentary in asking questions about people when you know they want to talk about themselves. You don't have to abandon your identity just for that. To provide a concerted effort to maintain a pleasant interaction with another doesn't constitute being manipulative either.

Think of it for what it is- just simple, but concerted civility on your part. -No harm, no foul.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

No need to do that wife's buddy portrayed himself as the reddest red neck around, not very endearing, considering current politics.

Some other cultures prefer us. My son surprised me meet Albanian women with PHD in education, My nephew , meet a french speaking lady because his mother put him in french immersion. in school. I guess immigrating to Canada she was not expecting to meet a really bright french speaking guy on a dating site. in Ontario, considering her culture and and ethnicity. I really enjoyed talking to her stating I was the oldest defacto patriarch. in family. welcoming her in. She had organized the birthday party so she could meet the family. She found a very eccentric. family. Also found out another niece is pregnant.

 

[velociraptor]

I thought masking was pretending to be something you are not?

I've never pretended to not be autistic or claimed not to be. I abhor dishonesty. It's simply social code-switching. In the same way NTs may be more casual and swear and joke in private, but are more formal and careful in conversation at work and other situations where more proper dress and manners are called for.

I simply moderate my tendancy to stim when distressed or under load and I essay to maintain an appropriate amount of eye contact and display the correct social cues for the environment I'm in. More a case of social lubrication that helps me stay gainfully employed. I like having income and the comforts that come with it.

 

[Markness]

Apparently another issue I have is that I come off as emotionally starved.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Apparently another issue I have is that I come off as emotionally starved.

I suspect that is the case some cultures like to keep emotions close to chest, find them hang with them if possible.

 

[Markness]

I haven’t figured out how to not come across as desperate nor needy other than not doing anything or just not talking about my emotions.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Your a decent guy women will like you. My brothers wife found him simply fixing her machine and chatting while he worked a loner never had a friend, like I said go outside the box. Not all women are the same. My family is full of Aspies turning into the united nations. Even my older brother got married. Chinese/Vietnamese woman, These ladys lived in a country for generations, different culture so they know what being different is. I was shocked my nephew meet someone a clone of my older brother. his edge speaking french on a dating site, her being in a foreign country
her home country, small french speaking. Joins dating site, finds a bright guy bit strange but he speaks french has no idea he is also a gifted athlete. He never told her I did boy was she shocked, bonus she was not expecting. I know us nerds are stereotyped as awkward. He was probably surprised she is not Indian. why I introduced myself to her fool me once. she from French Guyana, I have friend who is from Guyana. Waiting to meet someone from dutch Guyana, would love to visit shock my wife practice speaking dutch. in front of her.

 

[Mary Terry]

I haven’t figured out how to not come across as desperate nor needy other than not doing anything or just not talking about my emotions.

Contentment must come from inside you, Mark. Please find something that you are interested in and devote time to it so you can build self-confidence. You need to develop an interest so you can be proud of it. You're right that women generally don't want needy men. They like self-confident and self-sufficient men who independently and actively pursue their own interests. The "interest" can be anything under the sun, as long as you enjoy it. Hiking, water sports, jigsaw puzzle mastery, wood carving, cooking, working on cars, lawncare - anything!

 

[Markness]

Well, I do have interests and I’ve made attempts to socialize with others who share them. Sadly, one event I hoped to attend since the beginning of the year got sabotaged by the supervisor denying my vacation request.

 

[Mary Terry]

Well, I do have interests and I’ve made attempts to socialize with others who share them. Sadly, one event I hoped to attend since the beginning of the year got sabotaged by the supervisor denying my vacation request.

That's too bad about the event you couldn't attend but you have to "keep on keeping on." Learn to love yourself and be proud of yourself.

 

[Markness]

That's too bad about the event you couldn't attend but you have to "keep on keeping on." Learn to love yourself and be proud of yourself.

I do need to love myself. For the longest time, I thought loving myself was somehow bad and I am not exactly sure why.

 

[Markness]

There are some male cousins in my extended family I’ve never met and aside from one, I’ve never heard of the other two having girlfriends/wives. They also lived with their mother, my great aunt, even into middle age and she passed away a few years ago. I don’t know their current living situation.

 

[Mary Terry]

@Tony Ramirez - My comments to @Markness aren't funny. They are genuine efforts to help him. He struggles. You struggle, too.

But Markness really tries to find his way through life to achieve something better for himself. You seem to just angrily rant, lash out at people who try to help you and you demean other people. No wonder you cannot get a friend. You ooze something scary to others.

Your use of the "funny" icon is not funny. It is sad. You need to take a long, hard look at yourself and do something about your issues instead of "laughing" at other people who actually try to understand and improve their situations and people who try to help them.

I hope you are still in therapy and still gardening as a volunteer.

 

[Matthias]

I'm glad @Tony Ramirez is still here. I was worried something may have happened to him after reading his last posts and not hearing anything from him the last couple weeks.

 

[Markness]

What I can do: I can talk to women and I can sometimes establish friendships with women.

What I struggle to do: Keeping conversations interesting and engaging, though this is variable from person to person. I also don’t know when I can or should ask for a date and if the other person is interested in me.

 

[Judge]

I also don’t know when I can or should ask for a date and if the other person is interested in me.

Good question. Though I can only answer it from my own personal point of view.

That it amounts to a leap of faith in the absence of the object of your affection making some overtly physical gesture or statement that they care for you.

That you just have to put yourself out there and hope for the best. That if you are interested in them, it should be enough for you to just "go for it". To accept the possibility of "being the bug or the windshield".

And most of all to know that the worst thing is to do nothing.

 

[Markness]

I take it very hard when things don’t go well for me socially. It feels like getting punched in the face.