Over friendliness is going to lose my friendships.

[Tony Ramirez]

But I just can't help it. When you grow up like I did for all of your teenage and some of your young adult life with no friends. Then have fake friends for a few years, then of course you lose them. Then for 15 more years you have no friends. Then you start to make friends again you are going to get attached to them and start to want to be with them more and then once you get their contact number you are going to start to info, trauma dump on them until you know they are going to get tired. I think this is how I lost my first friend I made, Justin, but really, he never said anything really positive.

But what amplifies it and makes matters much worse is when I befriend women because of the way they treated me by ignoring me. This is the reason I think I should never get their contact number. I mentioned this way back, but there was this one-woman back pre-pandemic I got her number that I befriended, and I started to message. I was good at first, but then when the pandemic hit, we did not meet in church or in the group where we met. Not only that, but I was messaging her more to the point where after a few days she got annoyed and said to stop messaging her if she did not respond right away as she was busy. When I overshared something, she even said not to talk about it. So, I cut ties. I still talk to her whenever in church, so we are acquaintances but nothing else.

Now with this new female friend I meet at the coffee shop I am doing the same exact thing except she is much more tolerable. Really, she is. But I can just feel like she is on the tipping point, I know it. I once again messaged her four times last week which I should have not even though I said I would not. I don't know if it is me but when I talked to her at church today, she did not say much to me, felt more distant and then wanted to talk to my friend. As I said, maybe it was just me. She was still kind and even said I will see you next week. But I just that my over friendliness autism over sharing info trauma dumping self is ruining everything, and I just can't help it. It's all because of the way girls just like her use to give me dirty looks, walk away from me when I sat next to them, talk to anyone else and completely ignore me. Scarred me for life, now I do these things.

 

[thejuice]

i do the same thing.. sometimes its like sabotage

 

[Chris12345]

When I was a kid I used to get over attached to friends. I would phone them all the time, etc.

If you come across as needy then people are going to be put off and back away. There's no getting around that. The way people react to you depends on how you act and how you are.

I still can be a bit clingy, for example emailing my brother too much. But he just ignores my messages if he doesn't feel like responding to me. That's fair enough - he responds sometimes and not other times.

 

[thejuice]

i take being ignored as confirmation of my defective personality and i internally rage

 

[Tony Ramirez]

If you come across as needy then people are going to be put off and back away. There's no getting around that.

I know and it's much worse with women because of the way I was treated by them in the past. I tried everything to break it but nothing works. Walks, yoga, music, talking therapy, nothing.

 

[thejuice]

i know youre not into men but making friends with men is much easier, it just is

 

[thejuice]

when youre trying something over and over thats not working youre gonna be miserable, you are what you focus on

 

[Chris12345]

i take being ignored as confirmation of my defective personality and i internally rage

Yeah, no one likes being ignored. That happened to me the other day. I was talking to someone and he bumped into someone else and the first one said "do you know Chris?" The second one mumbled something and pretended to know me, even though I didn't recognise him. He didn't seem interested basically.

That kind of thing can play on my mind, but people aren't always going to respond in the way we would like. That's just life, it doesn't run perfectly for anyone, it's not just autistic people. Mental toughness is important.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

i know youre not into men but making friends with men is much easier, it just is

They are the only ones who will hang out with me solo, get coffee, talk in the park, quick bite to eat. I am much more open to meet with them now then I was over a year ago, but only if I know them closer, but not someone I barely know. But I agree. They are easier to talk to and heck even to message to at times with less judgement like my friend James and David.

 

[thejuice]

Yeah, no one likes being ignored. That happened to me the other day. I was talking to someone and he bumped into someone else and the first one said "do you know Chris?" The second one mumbled something and pretended to know me, even though I didn't recognise him. He didn't seem interested basically.

That kind of thing can play on my mind, but people aren't always going to respond in the way we would like. That's just life, it doesn't run perfectly for anyone, it's not just autistic people. Mental toughness is important.

when im busy in the morning im fine and mentally tougher, when my illness gets the better of me in the evening and i have to retreat to bed things tend to 'stew'. I think there is a control issue going on too, having problems letting go.

 

[thejuice]

They are the only ones who will hang out with me solo, get coffee, talk in the park, quick bite to eat. I am much more open to meet with them now then I was over a year ago, but only if I know them closer, but not someone I barely know. But I agree. They are easier to talk to and heck even to message to at times with less judgement like my friend James and David.

my dms are always open bud!

 

[Chris12345]

I know and it's much worse with women because of the way I was treated by them in the past. I tried everything to break it but nothing works. Walks, yoga, music, talking therapy, nothing.

That's the thing, the mind can only be adapted so much. I have terrible problems with energy and mood and I can't shift that problem. Negative thoughts intrude often too, self critical and harsh. I would rather not be thinking them, but it's not easy to change your habitual thoughts.

Even if you're conscious of a problem - as you are in terms of being too needy - it can often still be very difficult to shift. Positive thinking and self help would have you believe that we can be anybody we want, achieve anything. But in reality people have limitations, especially autistic people.

Even so, you can still perhaps work on being less needy and more emotionally self-reliant. We can all work on things - within limits.

 

[MNAus]

It might be a control thing. Autistic people often don't like the idea that things are not in control, planned or predictable, especially when there is the potential for negative outcomes (and emotions). The reasons are much discussed, but my belief is that we are highly sensitive (as in sense more, rather than being overly fragile) to negative emotions. We just "hear" them louder, so we work to organise the world to prevent that. If you told an NT that an airhorn would go off in their ear with certain situations, but you can't tell them what these are, you can bet they'd start trying to control things to prevent that after the first 20 blasts.

This is not the same control as NTs who might have the need to own, belittle, exert power, etc. It's more that avoidance. If this rings a bell for you, you need to recognise it and learn acceptance that you can't control everything to stop negative outcomes. Like a plant, you can't force the water into the roots. You water it, and you leave it to be its own independent self. Water too often and you kill it.

I think naming the fear really helps.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I held everything in when I was younger. I did not say nothing to no one. Now I am so outspoken that I will say something like this woman is snobbish and ignoring me just like when I was in college which is why I dropped out as a young adult to someone I trust or to a group of people which is trauma dumping. In texts and all. That's my problem.

 

[jsilver256]

IMO, save the trauma stuff for the therapist until you find a romantic partner. The right partner will share with you just as much as you share with them.

I guarantee your female friend still cares for you a lot. She is just establishing healthy boundaries. I would not get close to another man like that. It is a matter of preserving my innermost self for my partner. So please don't take it personally.

Also, AFAIK, there's nothing wrong with "trauma dumping" on this forum, so that is an option, too.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thanks. This forum has been an sanctuary for trauma dumping. If it was not for this place who knows what I would have said to my friends via messages especially that poor coffee shop girl would have most likely had enough even if she said that I would never get mad at me.

 

[Fino]

Yeah, I've experienced that plenty of times.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

my over friendliness autism over sharing info trauma dumping self is ruining everything, and I just can't help it.

Yeah, there has to be a balance there. Friendships are a 2-way street, and if it becomes unbalanced then the relationship may fall apart. I think you've identified that you need more restraint when it comes to these things. Basically, follow their lead. Some things are better left unsaid, and most people want to be around positivity. If they are in an empathetic mood and want you to share your trauma, then do so, otherwise that's your baggage to handle and no need to share.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I know there is a balance. The problem is that because of the past trauma with women any attention even small I lose control of that balance. No surprise that coffee shop friend is attractive. As I said how attractive girls especially treated me like crap in my early life then even in my late 20s and 30s. Even the lesser attractive ones were the same. This is why I had massage trust issues and I wanted to only hang out with women and why I was told wrongly by my former friend that I was obsessed.

 

[Hypnalis]

But I just can't help it.

You can. It's just difficult. Like a lot of other things in life, some of which you are already handling effortlessly.

I get that you can't forget your past. But that doesn't mean you have an excuse for letting it control your present.

Every time you find yourself treating people like objects or "therapy animals" you need to check yourself.
Doing nothing (or politely disengaging) is always an option,

Think about the topic of your last post, and how close you came to making a serious error. It went well, but from what you said (and a guess), it's because you vented in safe places, and talked to your therapist.

Something like that is a much better choice than a self-sabotaging excuse like "I can't help it".