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Obsessing over my diagnosis

M

meow123

Member
I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome when I was 17 ( I'm 37 now), exactly 20 years ago. Back then, in my report, the doctor said that "there is no doubt" that I'm autistic. But I rejected that diagnosis for a long time because I thought I might have been malingering or exaggerating my symptoms in front of him because I was so tired of being misunderstood that I was ready for a label. I was obsessed with Andrew Lloyd Webber at the time so I brought all my Andrew Lloyd Webber books and the portrait I did of him to the assessment. I know I underperformed on the Coding test because I was afraid my slow processing speed would fail to be picked up, but I tried my best for all the other tests and some came out unexpectedly low ( my mum is in the process of looking for my original report for some clarity). I also was diagnosed with dyspraxia a couple of years later (the WAIS test I did for the diagnosis showed I have a Verbal IQ of 138 but a processing speed of 92), although I have nice handwriting and can draw well, but my other motor-planning issues are problematic and I have serious problems with executive function.

Anyway, fast forward to 2022 and my new obsession is Extraordinary Attorney Woo, the highly popular K-drama about an attorney with ASD. That started me ruminating on whether my diagnosis of Aspergers' might be right after all. My main problems since I was a kid was executive function, obsessive interests ( Since I was about 3 I was crazy about mice, collected stuffed toy mice, drew mice and brought my mouse stuffed toys to school and insisted that people call me Mouse), dislike of change (if my mum changed the furniture around or took a different route). I also had extreme emotional attachments to places I loved that it made adapting to new places very difficult. I have more problems with sensory hyposensitivity than sensory hypersensitivity. My problems with social interaction were much more subtle. I had friends but I always enjoyed being in my own world. Ever since working as a waitress in my mid-20s, I have become highly social and can maintain eye contact well. Before that, my eye contact was very poor. Now, it seems like I have the opposite of Autism as I love talking to people. I am also highly sensitive to people's emotions to the point where I need to shut it off or I can get too emotional myself. So, I don't know, have I managed to compensate for autism as an adult? Do I sound like I am/used to be autistic?
 
Your difficulties and focus are common in ASD. Your ability to be social as you matured I understand. Decades before I knew I am ASD, I desired an intimate relationship so had to learn to be social and did it all by myself. If you are enjoying people, more power to you. ASD is developmental, so acquiring social maturation happens with some of us.
 
Many of the traits you described are consistent with being autistic. A positive environment would naturally help you become more social and make eye contact easier. People who are autistic can definitely like people and enjoy being around them.
 
It does sound from your description that you have autistic traits. Autism doesn't go away, but growing into adulthood, it's common for autistic people to learn to mask at least some of their traits and to learn social skills in order to fit in, to pass as 'normal'. This is one reason that now there are so many adults around my age who were growing up in the 70s or 80s who didn't get a diagnosis until later in life.

It's possible to like people, to be sociable and extrovert, and still be autistic. Extrovert autisitics are perhaps less common, but there's definitely a few around.
 
What you describe certainly does sound like ASD in many respects. On social skills it's not unusual I believe, for some to learn to socialize fairly well with effort and practice. Women present ASD somewhat different then men as well and that may be part of it. We are usually aware it does take effort to socialize frequently and is not our natural inclination. One name for that is 'Masking', and we usually seek alone time to recharge.

Once I finally figured it out for myself (I am self diagnosed) I never have doubted, but also be aware there is a tremendous ammount of variation in how we are. Our personalities as unique as NTs. But I can understand how doubt would be disconcerting. Perhaps you might get a 2nd opinion/evaluation at some point.
 
You remind me of me, I thought I beat it for a while too. But when I looked at myself with a clear head it was still there.
 
Autism does present differently in females than it does males,...there is actual fMRI studies that demonstrate this,...there are also genetic markers that demonstrate gender differences between male and female autistics. Furthermore, if we (autistics) are socialized individuals,...an autistic will learn many skills and appear less and less autistic with age,...often there are significant delays,...but none-the-less changes do happen (neuroplasticity). So, there is a few things going on here.
 
Did a double take! I am obsessed with Extraodinary Attorney Woo as well and so sad that only two episodes released each week and despite being over an hour long, I do tend to speed through them. I am also obsessed with Korean dramas in general.

When I first came upon the word: aspergers, I got obsessed with that alone and found out so much in formation and yep, it does present differently in both sexes, which is why females tend to get overlooked and I feel pretty blessed that I got my diagnosis and each person who tested me said it was so clear that I am on the spectrum, but they kindly did not tell me my IQ as I would be tortured for the rest of my life, if it was low.
 
Welcome!

I don't have much to add to the comments already made other than to say that it's relatively common, on the spectrum, for emotions to skip levels, and to become quite emotional over certain things easily, while sometimes being stoic on other things.
 
Welcome! :)

I’m an extrovert, so in most situations I have “hidden” autistic traits (unless I start discussing a special interest lol)
I love socializing although sometimes I can be kind of quiet. But the need to be with people is still there.
We do exist. Lol

I’m also super emotional and empathetic, and other people’s problems can be really upsetting to me and I cry about everything.

I hope you can meet others here who are similar to you as well :) There are some.
 
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