NT Needing Advice on explaining what is considered emotional abuse to AS

[Audra]

I need some advice on explaining what is considered emotional abuse. Sometimes my boyfriend says mean things to me that hurt me. When I explain to him that it hurts me his response is that it is not abuse by the technical definition, that I dont know what I am talking about, that it shouldnt hurt me, that it is the truth etc. Since he does not feel things emotionally and understand emotions.

I also need advice on explaining a womans emotional needs

Can anyone give me some help?
Thanks

 

[Aalo]

I'm happy to hear you haven't given up for both of yours sake.
At first I have to tell that this is totally foreign area of subject to me because I've had the opposite roles, but I feel like trying. The fact that your bf doesn't take your chagrin seriously shouldn't be tolerated. I wonder if he has told you his definition about the abuse, that he seems to be fond to. Have you asked and tried reasoning on that? No matter how aspie he is, he should be interested in your well being on many levels. Being an aspie might lead one being unable to control all one does, but it's really not an excuse not to try any.

I don't really know how emotional needs ought best be told, I, as an aspie female, have done that by telling it as almost a joke (not in a mean way, rather a curiosity) or as a very intensive story, almost making it a game about if they're guessing consequences right, when talking to my NT-male friends. "Heh, we female need you to do a so that we can feel you to b and therefore we c." It might feel a bit degrading and I can't recommend it as best shot if it won't feel right for your style, but I've found out that simplifying female desires into theories like these is a good way to deliver the mechanism about us the way I think most males can get easily. In my opinion we aspergers usually need few specific examples before we can even start guessing any further in near similar situations.

 

[Christian T]

As a male aspie, I would suggest that you try to explain your emotional needs as logically as possible. I'm sure he is familiar with emotions and feels things emotionally but in his own way and with different triggers, so it is your triggers that he needs explained to him.

I think Aalo's suggestion of how to word it would be effective. I'd suggest also explaining that while what he is saying might well be true, when some truths are pointed out constantly they have a disheartening effect on a person because it highlights faults of theirs that they find difficult to overcome. Or, if he is giving his own opinion, which you could argue is also telling the the truth (if he says "I think you're hopeless at _____" then technically he's stating the fact that that is what he thinks) try to explain that these opinions damage your self-esteem, or something along those lines. But I'm sure he understands what emotional pain is.

Could you give us some concrete examples to assist us further?

 

[Spinning Compass]

"Not abuse by the technical definition"? I beg to differ. I've heard that crap all my life too. It's not abuse because the one doing it says it's not abuse. That's nonsense. You ARE entitled to your feelings and it has nothing at all to do with being AS or NT. If what he is doing or saying makes you feel bad, and he is aware that it makes you feel bad and he persists in doing this, then he is an abuser and a bully no matter how he tries to deny it.

I know all too well what it is like to be on the receiving end of such treatment and to hear the same flimsy justifications and I have learned that life is way too short to spend it hanging around people who are so in love with their excuses that they cannot or will not see the human being in front of them. When it comes to your feelings you DO know what you are talking about. Don't let ANYONE ever tell you otherwise. I spent years battling such attitudes and trying in vain to get the other person to see what they were doing only to be told exactly what you have been told. In the end, as soon as it was possible, I left. I won't let anyone put me in that position ever again and the minute someone starts trotting out those tired old lines, I'm out of there.

What I would do is I would call him on it. When he starts that crap, say point-blank (because we Aspies don't take hints well) that this is hurtful and he is behaving like a bully. Don't get sidetracked. Stick right to the issue, that it is YOUR feelings that are being disrespected and that he may have to decide which is more important to him, being "right" or keeping you. Tell him this is not acceptable behavior, that if he wants to make excuses then he has to decide which he wants to live with, his excuses or you. It might bring him around, or it might not. At the very least you will know where you stand.

 

[King_Oni]

"Not abuse by the technical definition"? I beg to differ. I've heard that crap all my life too. It's not abuse because the one doing it says it's not abuse. That's nonsense. You ARE entitled to your feelings and it has nothing at all to do with being AS or NT. If what he is doing or saying makes you feel bad, and he is aware that it makes you feel bad and he persists in doing this, then he is an abuser and a bully no matter how he tries to deny it.

I agree with this 100%

And to make it more interesting, because I can totally understand it'll turn into an argument with said "abuser" how everything can be turned into abuse. Yes, it can and at some point will mean, that the person who is being acused of being abusive will have to thread a thin line since it opens a new door for looming paranoia. Since anything he/she can say, he can expect to be seen as abusive. This makes me believe that like people already pointed out, it should be important for him to understand why things are abusive.

Sometimes I'm relieved to see how easy some people go along with being mentally abused, show self restraint and not go all psycho over it. Since I've witnessed people that obviously had really strict (and violent) zero tolerance policies towards mental abuse, even if someone was totally oblivious (or ignorant) about "I didn't consider it abuse".

 

[Spinning Compass]

Back in the 1970's Dr. Wayne Dwyer wrote a book called "Your Erroneous Zones" which introduced the concept that you alone are responsible for your feelings and no one else can make you feel the way you do. This was a godsend to abusers/bullies because now, whenever someone protests against the way they were mistreated, all the abuser has to do is turn Dr. Dwyer's words back on them. "I didn't hurt your feelings, you chose to react that way to what I said/did." Therefore absolving the abuser/bully of any responsibility to change. If you are unfortunate enough to run into people who believe what Dr. Dwyer preaches, as I have, you have no defense against them.

 

[Loomis]

My first question would be whether when he says the things that hurt you, is he intending to cause you emotional pain or is he oblivious to the emotional response you feel from his words? If it is the former you need to leave and not look back. If it is the latter there is hope that he can be made to understand the effect of his words on you.

 

[asman]

I was shamefully a verbal abuser towards my wife before. I never realized how much I was hurting her. This was before I knew about ASD. It was only until one day she called up a shelter for women to seek help that I realized how much I was hurting her.

The reason for the verbal abuse at the time was because I was not able to get my message across, and it frustrated the hell out of me. After finding out that i am an aspie, we begin to learn to communicate differently, and this helped alot.

I don't know your entire situation, but maybe he is just frustrated for not getting his point across?

Please keep in mind that being in an abusive relationship is good for anyone. Have you also tried to seek help from a professional?

 

[asman]

I was shamefully a verbal abuser towards my wife before. I never realized how much I was hurting her. This was before I knew about ASD. It was only until one day she called up a shelter for women to seek help that I realized how much I was hurting her.

The reason for the verbal abuse at the time was because I was not able to get my message across, and it frustrated the hell out of me. After finding out that i am an aspie, we begin to learn to communicate differently, and this helped alot.

I don't know your entire situation, but maybe he is just frustrated for not getting his point across?

Please keep in mind that being in an abusive relationship is good for anyone. Have you also tried to seek help from a professional?

oops..i just realized how old this question was. i was going to delete it, but thought that maybe my reply would help someone else?

 

[Cerulean]

I've really only managed my four basic emotions of happy, sad, mad, and fear- so when i feel more complicated emotions like frustrated or taken advantage of, instead of something like "I feel like you take me for granted when you don't tell me you're not coming home after work, because I stay home and wait for you" I'll go to "I feel sad when I don't get to see you very much at night". I feel like a lot of miscommunication happens in my relationship because I or my partner is giving too much detail, and most feelings problems can be attributed to one of the four (three really, happy isn't usually a problem).

My first question would be whether when he says the things that hurt you, is he intending to cause you emotional pain or is he oblivious to the emotional response you feel from his words? If it is the former you need to leave and not look back. If it is the latter there is hope that he can be made to understand the effect of his words on you.

Also, this.