Not understanding social rank

[neroren41]

I'm posting this as a reflection of the last several months where I was basically bullied out of a job by some high ranking social people at work.
I was the obvious target of some passive aggressive and also some blatant shows of disrespect, making my job and socializing/getting along with coworkers difficult.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea personally I'm sure, I'm socially awkward and have narrow interests, bad at small talk etc. But I'm kind, polite, helpful, intelligent and have good work productivity. I really was struggling with the "why" I became such a weighted target. I've struggled with it for months, and it took a lot out of my self confidence and self esteem.

I've been processing this a lot. What is it that classed me at the bottom of the social ranking system? What was so inherently wrong with me that I was treated in such ways as you might treat someone who is offensively obtuse, rude, lazy, etc? Being on the spectrum has certainly made being on the outside and not being able to connect with people/make friends the norm, but never in my life was I treated with such disdain and disrespect. It really messed with my head.

I think, it boils down to dishonesty. Just, the social system itself is set up to be dishonest. People say they value traits such as honesty, kindness, integrity, altruism, etc but it's really not true. Because when it comes to bullies, it's the more aggressive that move up the rank. And you only move up in rank by showing that you are okay with stepping on others. But these socially aggressive are the people who become popular, the ones that most seek out for friendship and binding and clique forming. Not those who possess the qualities in which we as a human race SAY that we value.

I realized, it's not that I'm a bad person, I'm not lazy or dishonest or rude, I didn't do anything to put myself in that situation except for refusing to be like them. I wouldn't partake when they were relentlessly chastising someone behind their back, or agree with their chosen ostrisization of others based on arbitrary social rules that don't make sense. And since I didn't want to throw the darts, I became the target. I've lived by the rule that humans value the things they say they value. Things I value in friendship/social situations as well. When I wound up so undeniably in the human refuse section of the social hierarchy, I couldn't help but feel like I'd failed at those valuable traits. Why else would they hate me so much?

For months I'd come home defeated that not only must I be this awful person, but also that my self awareness is so poor that I couldn't figure out what it was that made me so awful.

But it's not me. It's them. They lie about what they value. Being honest, loyal, hardworking, a good person does not mean that you will be socially accepted. And not being socially accepted does NOT make you a bad person.

I left that work situation and I'm finally able to look at it with some clarity. I made this account just to post this here to get others insights and to see if perhaps my conclusion might help someone else going through the same situation.

 

[Judge]

I left that work situation and I'm finally able to look at it with some clarity. I made this account just to post this here to get others insights and to see if perhaps my conclusion might help someone else going through the same situation.

I can't fault any of your observations. Ones I've encountered in the workplace over many years.

Only that some of us figure this out earlier than others. Where it's not about what you know, but who you know.

And that if you do not abide by such a premise, it will likely cost you. None of it is ethical or logical, but that it likely exists everywhere you go within the realm of employment.

 

[neroren41]

Unfortunately I'm 32 years old and only just coming to this conclusion now.
It's not my first rodeo with bullies, but certainly the first time it's been amped up to a level where I had to leave due to my mental health. Like I said I understand not being part of the group and not making friends... But this got out of control to where it felt like a hostile environment for me to be in.
I feel like I could have dealt with it a lot better with the realization I have now. But when you're in the thick of it and it's day-to-day, it's very hard.

 

[Judge]

Unfortunately I'm 32 years old and only just coming to this conclusion now.
It's not my first rodeo with bullies, but certainly the first time it's been amped up to a level where I had to leave due to my mental health. Like I said I understand not being part of the group and not making friends... But this got out of control to where it felt like a hostile environment for me to be in.
I feel like I could have dealt with it a lot better with the realization I have now. But when you're in the thick of it and it's day-to-day, it's very hard.

That pretty much describes my first job out of college. Where I took a job just because I needed the money and work during a very bad economic spell. I finally quit, realizing that I had been pigeon-holed by a clique of people who were all pals and looked at me as a complete outsider.

Yeah, it is very hard to put up with that when just trying to do a job.

 

[Outdated]

You find the same thing in many social circles outside of the workplace too, a hierarchical structure of social bonds. I call it The Hen Pecking Order. Some people have a need to live that way, I can not live that way. I treat all people as being my equal and it causes a lot of very uncomfortable social issues.

 

[Progster]

The workplace is basically an extension of high school. A definite pecking order that is unspoken, a popular one that everyone kowtows to and tries to curry favour with (often, but not always a boss). And, unfortunately, bullying for those who don't fit into that unspoken hierarchy. One reason I don't get on well in office environments - I treat everyone the same.

 

[neroren41]

The workplace is basically an extension of high school. A definite pecking order that is unspoken, a popular one that everyone kowtows to and tries to curry favour with often, but not always a boss). And, unfortunately, bullying for those who don't fit into that unspoken hierarchy. One reason I don't get on well in office environments - I treat everyone the same.

As do I. I would talk to people and be friendly with them even if others had deemed them low in rank also, for reasons I couldn't discern. And just because of that, apparently I joined them on the dartboard. In a professional setting I feel like it's important to at least try and get along and respect one another. I understand when someone is actually an awful person/employee you may not want to work with them or you may need to vent about them, I get that and see that it's human. But that wasn't what was going on. It was so hard for me to separate that in my head, that I wasn't a bad coworker or bad employee. Because the things they were doing to me and how they were treating to me is akin to how I would feel about a BAD person, coworker, etc.

 

[Judge]

The one place of employment I spent the most time at (nearly 20 years) I always refer to as the "shark tank".

 

[Progster]

I understand when someone is actually an awful person/employee you may not want to work with them or you may need to vent about them, I get that and see that it's human. But that wasn't what was going on. It was so hard for me to separate that in my head, that I wasn't a bad coworker or bad employee.

Two things going on, bullying and gaslighting.

 

[neroren41]

Two things going on, bullying and gaslighting.

Can you explain what you mean? I'm sorry if I'm being obtuse.

 

[Progster]

Can you explain what you mean? I'm sorry if I'm being obtuse.

You mention that they treat you with disdain and disrespect. That's a form of bullying.
You suggest that they are making you question whether you are a good employee or not. That's gaslighting on their part.

That's how I interpreted the situation, based on what you wrote, please excuse me if I'm off the mark here.

 

[neroren41]

I had someone there I considered a "work friend" who told me some of the stuff going on that I didn't even know about (gossip behind closed doors). Only after I begged to know. Apparently, a lot of it started when my supervisor wrongfully shared my productivity with some of the cliquey coworkers. Mine was better than there's. And they started to make up reasons why I might be fraudulent, etc. Etc. And I guess it just escalated and became more and more nasty from there. While I thought I was kicking ass at work and helping the department.... I was (behind my back) getting chastised for it? I was so shocked to learn this. It doesn't make a lot of sense.
My work friend told me that they just wanted a reason to put me down and didn't find one. They didn't like that I made them look bad. I am older than all of them, not as fit and attractive, etc, which is the only reason I can think that they just "couldn't believe" my productivity was higher. I knew I was a good employee, I worked hard and I showed up for the department. I don't know why that was so hard for them to believe/accept.

Edited to add: it was around this time (when productivity numbers came out) that my supervisor started to really hound me and make comments when I took short breaks or accepted personal calls, all of which I felt strange about as there are no official rules about those things and my productivity was good. She wouldn't say anything to others who were on there phones or literally doing personal shopping on work computers but she'd say something to me. I didn't get it.

 

[neroren41]

You mention that they treat you with disdain and disrespect. That's a form of bullying.
You suggest that they are making you question whether you are a good employee or not. That's gaslighting on their part.

That's how I interpreted the situation, based on what you wrote, please excuse me if I'm off the mark here.

No you are not off the mark, I just think some of the good employee questioning was self-inflicted, it was a (wrong) conclusion that I came to to help me try and identify WHY I was such a target.

 

[MildredHubble]

This sounds so similar to the work environment I worked in. I've posted about it here a few times. I find the whole thing equal parts fascinating and horrible.

Most of my colleagues were the sort that spent the day browsing Reddit, Spotify or outright playing video games.

Having worked in a very physically and mentally demanding environment for several years, working in a more orthodox setting was like water off a ducks back.

Every time something needed to be done, I stepped up and did it, I never did online shopping or communicate with anyone on my phone unless I was on my lunch break. These were things my colleagues did with impunity. I always got into work at least half an hour early. I set up everything that needed to be done for the day. I did so to lighten the load for everyone. I was more than competent with my duties within a few weeks.

Yet, somehow, I didn't make the grade. I suspect this is partially because, like you, I didn't join in with the misogynistic conversations about female staff or join in with bullying a certain member of staff, whom I suspect was very possibly on the spectrum (perhaps this is a big reason we got along so well?).

I sometimes watch a YouTube channel called Theremintrees, they talk a lot about psychology and negative behaviour. In one of their videos they talk about the "Thou shalt not eat from the tree of knowledge" story in the bible. They break it down as only someone as privileged as a god may obtain knowledge. In other words, to not incur their wrath, you must always be in the undermined position.

So you start a job, you are new there, you don't know anyone or much about what you need to do in that environment. This makes some people feel that since they do know these things, they are in a powerful position, "god like". They have knowledge you don't. You may get chastised, berated or belittled for your lack of knowledge. But, if you attempt to build knowledge, well, that's only something they can do! So they belittle you for say "using your initiative". Maybe you did everything perfectly but "You shouldn't have done that! You are not allowed to do such things!". So then you become undermined again.

Toxic people want to keep certain people in the undermined position. Trying to break out from that is seen as an attack on their importance or god like self image. If they allow people to flourish and build competency, then who will they pick on then?

It's even worse when somehow, despite them trying to keep you undermined, you still manage to succeed. That's insulting to toxic people! "Who do you think you are performing better than me, when I've done my level best to keep you down! You aren't playing by the rules, and for that, thou shalt be punished!".

If they can keep competent people from succeeding, they can keep the bar nice and low for themselves. If you raise standards in anyway, then they will have to meet those standards, and, well "who do you think you are doing that?".

I forget the name of the video, but I've basically paraphrased most of it in this post. I think it makes a lot of sense.

EDIT: I found the video, the bit I was referring to starts at about 7:35. I'm going to put the link in a spoiler as I think some of the subjects in the video could be triggering for some people. It was a bit triggering for me, both this time watching the video and the first time. But I think it's very educational.

Spoiler: ThereminTrees Video on Infantalisation

 

[Tom]

People aren't much different then chickens in this aspect and it's not that complicated really. A lot of people value social status highly, if not the highest aspect of society. There are different ways of upping status, but simply pushing others down still by far the quickest.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I never worried about social rank, even had issues with rank within organizations. could be the reason even my boss left me alone.

 

[neroren41]

I never worried about social rank, even had issues with rank within organizations. could be the reason even my boss left me alone.

I typically tend not to as well, except when it started to affect my ability to do my job and do it well. Unfortunately the cliquey people were the people who also held some power over assignments and scheduling. It became apparent I was being screwed with. It definitely became impossible to ignore.

 

[VictorR]

In many workplaces, the path to moving up or anything else desirable is to do what your boss wants, and quite often, underlings will fight to anticipate what the boss wants to try to curry extra favour.

For me, as with many on the spectrum, it's always about doing your best at your job and more importantly doing the right thing.

I can say from experience that insisting on doing the right thing when your boss is telling you otherwise is a very quick and effective way of being blacklisted. (e.g. being denied promotional opportunities, getting a bad performance review when you're the best performer on the team and are getting praise from other managers, etc.)

 

[Rodafina]

Hello @neroren41,
Welcome to the site. I hope you are getting some of your questions answered.

I realized, it's not that I'm a bad person, I'm not lazy or dishonest or rude, I didn't do anything to put myself in that situation except for refusing to be like them.

It’s good to live by our own standards and be our authentic selves as much as possible. I’m glad you are processing your experience and sharing it here as it will likely be cathartic and enlightening.

 

[Aspychata]

Just look at the news, when l see John went bat-crazy at his workplace, a little part of me says, did people clique against him, and one day, he was fed up and then watch the 10:00 news. Was he being gaslighted, and yelled at? Cliques do exist at jobs, and turnover is rampant. In fact a lot of employers offer huge bonuses to get people to work, vecause some places have horrible reputations. Now when l see a 1000 bonus, l thing boy, l wonder if that's a horrible place to work.