Not sure if this fits under topic of empathy

[Pats]

I feel very sad when I hear of someone losing a child or loved one or a beloved pet, so I do consider myself to be empathetic. However I am just as apt to cry over the story when I don't know the person as I am if I do know them, so it's the theme that's sad without the personalization. But so many areas I have a problem with.

I don't know how to respond when someone is going through a hard time. I've always been interested in the human psyche and why people do what they do and have always read everything I found on the subject, along with watching people in reality. So I've realized that when someone is struggling with something, instead of offering an "I'm sorry" or sympathy I find myself explaining why they are feeling the way they are feeling. I'm more likely to say, "Of course, you feel like this because...…." and explaining what they are going through. Always been analytical. That's why I can get pretty wordy sometimes in my responses and posts, which I apologize for, but it's who I am.

I also have a problem with fake empathy or fake caring. Why is it when a really mean person dies, suddenly everyone talks about how good that person was? I can't. I worked with a nursing assistant that lied, stole, cheated, mistreated patients, mean to co-workers, even her obituary was a lie, saying she was a specialized nurse (she wasn't a nurse). She dies and suddenly everyone at work was talking about what a good person she was. I kept quiet unless someone said something directly to me and I had to be honest - it was sad that she died, but she wasn't a nice person and I'm not all of a sudden going to pretend she was.
And was it real or fake when one of the other nurses or aides came to work saying one of the patients we had a couple weeks ago had died and they planned on attending the funeral. I'd wonder to myself, why? Do you really get that attached to a patient after 2-3 days? They'd bring in obituaries of a patient we had a year ago and my reaction would be, Okay? Our patients were all 65 or older. They are sick and often terminal, so yes, it's not a surprise. Not that I don't care, but not going to get emotional about it or even spread the news to others. I probably don't even remember them. My son in law took the day off work because he was upset over Tom Petty's death. Really? Sure, I enjoyed his music, but just how close were you?

I actually hate when someone starts talking to me about a problem. If it's not justified, I can't pretend it is. When my sister complained about everything her x son in law did or said and nothing he did was right whether he did it this way or the other way, she complained. The only thing in my mind was that HE was the one being treated unfairly. She left him for someone else and he's the bad guy? Did my sister not remember telling him it was his fault that her daughter left him for a woman and now not understand why he doesn't say much to her? I can't fake it and I actually had to tell her to stop talking about him to me. I'm sure she was going through a hard time, but I couldn't pretend it was all his fault to make her feel better.
And if it's a legitimate problem they come to me with I have no idea what to say. I remember a long time ago my cousin's new wife called me and told me she had just shot herself in the leg. I was at a complete loss as to what to say and finally, the only thing I could come up with was, "Is it bleeding?" lol What am I supposed to say to that? Looking back, maybe I should have asked why instead. lol

I can't look at things like children or animals being abused or abandoned, or bad things happening. Just the thought makes my stomach hurt and will make me cry and I hate to cry so I try to avoid them, because I think of the pain it's causing. But I feel the same if it's a stranger as it would be someone I know. Of course my children are always exceptions because they are part of me and I do feel what they feel, but anyone else - sibling, a friend, parent, stranger are not and are pretty much equal. What does that make me?

Okay - there's my rant for the day. You?

 

[Gritches]

I was always told about the "mean person dying" thing that it was because it was Jesus' place to judge people for their misdeeds, not ours. That would make it a religious value incorporated as a social value, so, take heart - maybe in X amount of years people will be like "good, I hated that guy."

 

[Autistamatic]

Funnily enough, this coincides with my next video
It's a common perception that autistic people lack empathy but it's simply not true. Maybe some do but a significant number of people on the spectrum consider empathy to be a strong point of theirs. The problem you're describing seems to be not lack of empathy, but not being sure what emotional reaction is appropriate in the situation. You have a tendency to be analytical and practical, which many of us do, myself most definitely included, when that may not actually be what the person you are feeling empathy for wants at the time.
As for fake empathy/caring - yeah it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach too.

 

[Pats]

I was always told about the "mean person dying" thing that it was because it was Jesus' place to judge people for their misdeeds, not ours. That would make it a religious value incorporated as a social value, so, take heart - maybe in X amount of years people will be like "good, I hated that guy."

lol. Maybe I wouldn't go that far, but will we pretend that Charlie Manson was a good guy suddenly?

 

[Pats]

Funnily enough, this coincides with my next video
It's a common perception that autistic people lack empathy but it's simply not true. Maybe some do but a significant number of people on the spectrum consider empathy to be a strong point of theirs. The problem you're describing seems to be not lack of empathy, but not being sure what emotional reaction is appropriate in the situation. You have a tendency to be analytical and practical, which many of us do, myself most definitely included, when that may not actually be what the person you are feeling empathy for wants at the time.
As for fake empathy/caring - yeah it makes me sick to the pit of my stomach too.

cool. anxious to see it.

 

[BraidedPony]

I learned a few things to say when people die. For example I say Oh that’s too bad. Or I’m so sorry. Unless it is someone I know AND liked, i dont really care. But I make a sad face to show how sincere I am. I’ve decided to not attend another funeral because it is about 75% fake.
If I heard that someone I know shot herself in the leg I’m afraid I would laugh. As long as they get medical care quickly they aren’t going to die, but how stupid is that! Lol But I know not to laugh except to myself. But like you said my first question might be Did she hit the artery(femoral I think?) Is bone shattered? Is the knee involved?
Now on the other hand I cannot tolerate child or animal abuse. I can’t watch those ASPCA commercials, I have to change the channel immediately. It is the only thing that will cause what I’ve recently learned is a meltdown.
I completely agree about the ex mother in law going on and on about the ex son in law. I would probably listen and either agree or keep mostly silent but in my own mind think what a b-word she is.
Same thing with my neighbor who is having health problems. She shows me the swelling and describes the pain. I feel bad for her but she smokes cigarettes all day. I would love to tell her that MAYBE THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HEALING SO SLOWLY! If you are 70 years old your body can’t handle smoking and surgery. Period.
I know many members smoke, and I don’t want to say that people should never smoke. If you are young and healthy and need to smoke to relax, I can understand that. But you have to weigh the benefits and risks.
So anyway, my neighbor is in that downward cycle where her doctor wants her to exercise but because of pain she can barely walk so she sits on the porch and smokes.
I think Aspies make the best nurses because they are able to give excellent care without getting too emotional.

 

[BraidedPony]

We are gathered here today to say farewell to Charlie Manson, beloved son,and probably father to many.....lol

 

[Autistamatic]

We are gathered here today to say farewell to Charlie Manson, beloved son,and probably father to many.....lol

The best known being his son...daughter...son...child?
erm....
The best known being Marilyn....


(Who is definitely not really called anything like "Brian" honest guv!)

 

[sparks]

I feel very sad when I hear of someone losing a child or loved one or a beloved pet, so I do consider myself to be empathetic. However I am just as apt to cry over the story when I don't know the person as I am if I do know them, so it's the theme that's sad without the personalization. But so many areas I have a problem with.

I don't know how to respond when someone is going through a hard time. I've always been interested in the human psyche and why people do what they do and have always read everything I found on the subject, along with watching people in reality. So I've realized that when someone is struggling with something, instead of offering an "I'm sorry" or sympathy I find myself explaining why they are feeling the way they are feeling. I'm more likely to say, "Of course, you feel like this because...…." and explaining what they are going through. Always been analytical. That's why I can get pretty wordy sometimes in my responses and posts, which I apologize for, but it's who I am.

I also have a problem with fake empathy or fake caring. Why is it when a really mean person dies, suddenly everyone talks about how good that person was? I can't. I worked with a nursing assistant that lied, stole, cheated, mistreated patients, mean to co-workers, even her obituary was a lie, saying she was a specialized nurse (she wasn't a nurse). She dies and suddenly everyone at work was talking about what a good person she was. I kept quiet unless someone said something directly to me and I had to be honest - it was sad that she died, but she wasn't a nice person and I'm not all of a sudden going to pretend she was.
And was it real or fake when one of the other nurses or aides came to work saying one of the patients we had a couple weeks ago had died and they planned on attending the funeral. I'd wonder to myself, why? Do you really get that attached to a patient after 2-3 days? They'd bring in obituaries of a patient we had a year ago and my reaction would be, Okay? Our patients were all 65 or older. They are sick and often terminal, so yes, it's not a surprise. Not that I don't care, but not going to get emotional about it or even spread the news to others. I probably don't even remember them. My son in law took the day off work because he was upset over Tom Petty's death. Really? Sure, I enjoyed his music, but just how close were you?

I actually hate when someone starts talking to me about a problem. If it's not justified, I can't pretend it is. When my sister complained about everything her x son in law did or said and nothing he did was right whether he did it this way or the other way, she complained. The only thing in my mind was that HE was the one being treated unfairly. She left him for someone else and he's the bad guy? Did my sister not remember telling him it was his fault that her daughter left him for a woman and now not understand why he doesn't say much to her? I can't fake it and I actually had to tell her to stop talking about him to me. I'm sure she was going through a hard time, but I couldn't pretend it was all his fault to make her feel better.
And if it's a legitimate problem they come to me with I have no idea what to say. I remember a long time ago my cousin's new wife called me and told me she had just shot herself in the leg. I was at a complete loss as to what to say and finally, the only thing I could come up with was, "Is it bleeding?" lol What am I supposed to say to that? Looking back, maybe I should have asked why instead. lol

I can't look at things like children or animals being abused or abandoned, or bad things happening. Just the thought makes my stomach hurt and will make me cry and I hate to cry so I try to avoid them, because I think of the pain it's causing. But I feel the same if it's a stranger as it would be someone I know. Of course my children are always exceptions because they are part of me and I do feel what they feel, but anyone else - sibling, a friend, parent, stranger are not and are pretty much equal. What does that make me?

Okay - there's my rant for the day. You?

This post describes how I feel when dealing with bereavement. I've always struggled with finding the accepted way to react to sad news. When I was younger, I always tried to make people feel happier by lightening the mood but this never seemed to go down well.
These days I say as little as possible and just hope that somebody else makes a comment then I can just agree.

 

[Fino]

I had a similar experience just a couple weeks ago! An employee at the university I graduated from passed away and everyone was "in shock" and going on about how she was the greatest person ever. But she had been open about being sick for two years, so I didn't understand why everyone was shocked that a woman in her sixties with some auto-immune thing "suddenly" died. I was also wondering if I was the only one that had a bad experience with her. She didn't seem very nice to me. But I slowly realized that any bad experiences wouldn't be mentioned at this time, so I guess it made sense. Except lack of bad experiences wouldn't necessarily mean so many good ones.

Anyway, I identify with pretty much everything you said!

 

[Pats]

The best known being Marilyn....

I didn't realize Marilyn was related, but that would make sense.

lightening the mood but this never seemed to go down well.

I forgot, I used to try that, too, and, you're right, it doesn't usually go over too well to those who do not know me. After a house fire my comment was about not having to do the dishes.
Yesterday my sister was telling that there was a threat from a student at her school. I did say to text me and let me know all was fine, but then I said, "Oh, but just in case - I love you!". She knows me, though, and we both started laughing. I would know not to joke about that with most people and I do think it's awful when these things do happen. (It was intended to be more about our relationship that the event).

Also never know what to say when someone is sick. We were having a sister weekend and during the night my oldest sister was sick and throwing up. I was awake but pretended to be asleep. The next morning she said she was up all night sick and I told her I was awake. We laugh about that now.
A lot of times when my daughter in law is mad at my son, I'll just ask if she wants a cookie. ​

But I slowly realized that any bad experiences wouldn't be mentioned at this time, so I guess it made sense. Except lack of bad experiences wouldn't necessarily mean so many good ones.

I agree. I'm not going to talk bad about them, I TRY not to talk bad about anyone anyway, but they didn't suddenly turn into this loving caring person either.

I feel bad for her but she smokes cigarettes all day

I agree with that, too. And I smoke. And I know one day when I can't breathe, I'm going to try not to complain about it. :}

 

[Progster]

I tend to want to give practical advice to people who are grieving, or avoid the subject entirely and talk about something else. I can't do this 'aaawwww!' thing that people do to comfort others, and if I lose a person close to me, I would want the same for myself, because someone explaining my feelings or making suggestions as to how I can deal with it is far more helpful than sitting there going 'aaaawwwww'! I find people's emotions too intense and overwhelming at times and I don't know how to deal with it and I often feel I need to leave the room, but that doesn't mean that I lack empathy. When I am upset about something, I want to be alone to deal with it in my own way, I don't really want people trying to comfort me or around me, and I especially don't want fake empathy and platitudes.

 

[Autistamatic]

I think that "need to be alone" thing is quite typical of us @Progster . I can't handle people being highly emotional in general. In fact the only person I've been able to deal with such emotions with is my other half. Every time previously I've avoided dealing with it and sought solitude.
I've tried practical advice, trying to cheer them up, trying to emulate other people and none of it worked. My OH is the first person in my life that I seem to do the right thing most of the time

 

[Pats]

I tend to want to give practical advice to people who are grieving, or avoid the subject entirely and talk about something else. I can't do this 'aaawwww!' thing that people do to comfort others, and if I lose a person close to me, I would want the same for myself, because someone explaining my feelings or making suggestions as to how I can deal with it is far more helpful than sitting there going 'aaaawwwww'! I find people's emotions too intense and overwhelming at times and I don't know how to deal with it and I often feel I need to leave the room, but that doesn't mean that I lack empathy. When I am upset about something, I want to be alone to deal with it in my own way, I don't really want people trying to comfort me or around me, and I especially don't want fake empathy and platitudes.

Yes, I'm going to want to be left alone. My preacher once included in a sermon that we need to call on each other more during difficult times or when sick, etc. After church I told him to please not do that to me.