An0maly_1976
This is not the end, this is not the beginning...
Hi! So glad to find this site, hoping to find others I can identify with that can help me make some sense of myself. After stumbling across mention of Asperger's, I took an online RAADS test that placed me at or 2-3 times ASD thresholds. I strongly suspect I am an Aspie (self-diagnosed), awaiting official testing for formal diagnosis in late March 2022. The more I research these conditions, the more confident I am that the testing will only be a formality to make it official. There is simply too much that applies to me -- I have aptly referred to myself as an anomaly for quite awhile now, even using it as a song title in recording my own original songs.
I have a mixed bag of feelings about the matter. Relieved to finally have some kind of evidence that my many issues are not really willful, or even my fault. Hopeful that maybe somehow I can better my position in life, though I'm not counting on it after what I've read.
I am also extremely frustrated, not only with myself, but with having been said to be special needs / remedial in grade school, only to be said to be 'defiant' when taken to so-called 'specialists' at the time. (This was in the 1980s when Asperger's was not as well-known and had not been regarded as a niche of ASD. Not to mention I've come to find the umbrella medical group that ran the facility with these so-called 'specialists' is anything but on point most of the time).
From then on, I've been surrounded by two groups of people -- those who say I am 'off', ''creepy', 'special needs', 'slow', etc., and those and who insist I am just fine, perfectly normal and can do whatever I set my mind to do, when I really can't (deeming me lazy', 'defiant', 'stupid', 'obstinate', 'obtuse', etc. as they do so). It is becoming clear that most were only half-right, and all of them were dead wrong.
I have had very limited REAL success with a very limited range of ventures, but off the cuff, I have always had trouble with auditory learning, social cues and awkwardness, recognizing the need for hygiene and other basic self-care, as well as basic household maintenance such as cleaning. A great many things just either do not register with me or I can't keep it in my mind long enough to process and handle them. I've said before that I am scatterbrained in a manner that rivals buckshot.
And I'm not a violent person, but if I had a dollar for every time I've wanted to slap someone for saying, "Oh, we all get forgetful sometimes"... Excuse me, do you forget what you just decided to do or look into as soon as you think of it, seventeen to twenty-five times a day? I'm sure I am preaching to the choir -- surely someone else here deals with the same kind of irritating people and blase dismissal of what are very real issues.
On top of this, I also suffer from extreme severe allergies and asthma (which I believe is actually COPD, as my grandmother had it). I was diagnosed with asthmatic bronchitis in 1981, but never told or treated, with continued prolonged exposure to heavy secondhand smoke in the home throughout my (limited) development as I grew up. So what Asperger's doesn't give me trouble with, allergies and breathing issues do.
Untreated, my lungs are around 45% capacity, and I am literally allergic to air, in that smoke, most perfumes and colognes, chemicals, etc., hit me with the range of severity somewhere between mustard gas and Chernobyl. I have heard that allergies and respiratory issues have been linked to ASD, but growing up in an ashtray certainly didn't help – I arrived home from a 2-week vocational evaluation away from home to actually be able to smell the stale, smoky smell of that house for the first time, and it bowled me over. I was already having problems then at 17 and didn't know it. I even adopted "Allergic To Air" as an artist name in recording music.
Back to ASD / Asperger's. At 45, I have only recently begun to understand why I always seem misunderstood by and at odds with others, and why I just generally seem to fail at life. It's quite frustrating knowing the intelligence I display is limited by such a disorder in that I can only apply it in a limited fashion. One of my limited areas of decent focus is vehicles, equipment, machinery – typical of ASD and Asperger's – making driving jobs a fairly natural fit for me.
I have read that driving is an issue for some with ASD or Asperger's, but though I have noticed minor deficiencies more recently, from food delivery to taxi to commercial trucks, I have done reasonably well with jobs involving driving, my best degree of success in driving big rigs, which I really loved. The routine of daily inspections and knowing what I had to do was a good fit for me. Unfortunately, constant exposure to diesel exhaust at shipping yards and truck stops pushed my then-unknown respiratory issues to the breaking point, forcing me to give it up after five years.
Since then, between the relative danger of being in public with such severe asthma combined with ASD 's reduction of my ability to function, I have been in purgatory, surrounded by people who push me when I'm doing the best I can, refusing to research the conditions themselves, even shooting down any research or articles I send them, or refusing to even read them. I am not sure if this is ableism per se, but it sure seems like it. Expecting too much from someone with certain issues is just as bad as presuming them helpless.
Though I do feel a certain sense of accomplishment for functioning as well as I have, even if I may not be able to do so for much longer, I liken my life to being much like driving a car that randomly stalls and slips out of gear, that can never drive straight, and cannot be fixed.
There are other things I could say here, but I believe I'll save them for another post before this one gets too long. Hopefully, it's not too long already... All in all, the more I learn about these conditions and how Asperger's explains me perfectly, I become more okay with myself, though I am apprehensive about my future, as I have read quite a bit indicating that ASD and Asperger's never really get better -- if anything, they get worse, and I show signs of that. Just as I begin to come to terms with the idea of a new normal, that new normal is becoming yet ANOTHER new normal.
I have a mixed bag of feelings about the matter. Relieved to finally have some kind of evidence that my many issues are not really willful, or even my fault. Hopeful that maybe somehow I can better my position in life, though I'm not counting on it after what I've read.
I am also extremely frustrated, not only with myself, but with having been said to be special needs / remedial in grade school, only to be said to be 'defiant' when taken to so-called 'specialists' at the time. (This was in the 1980s when Asperger's was not as well-known and had not been regarded as a niche of ASD. Not to mention I've come to find the umbrella medical group that ran the facility with these so-called 'specialists' is anything but on point most of the time).
From then on, I've been surrounded by two groups of people -- those who say I am 'off', ''creepy', 'special needs', 'slow', etc., and those and who insist I am just fine, perfectly normal and can do whatever I set my mind to do, when I really can't (deeming me lazy', 'defiant', 'stupid', 'obstinate', 'obtuse', etc. as they do so). It is becoming clear that most were only half-right, and all of them were dead wrong.
I have had very limited REAL success with a very limited range of ventures, but off the cuff, I have always had trouble with auditory learning, social cues and awkwardness, recognizing the need for hygiene and other basic self-care, as well as basic household maintenance such as cleaning. A great many things just either do not register with me or I can't keep it in my mind long enough to process and handle them. I've said before that I am scatterbrained in a manner that rivals buckshot.
And I'm not a violent person, but if I had a dollar for every time I've wanted to slap someone for saying, "Oh, we all get forgetful sometimes"... Excuse me, do you forget what you just decided to do or look into as soon as you think of it, seventeen to twenty-five times a day? I'm sure I am preaching to the choir -- surely someone else here deals with the same kind of irritating people and blase dismissal of what are very real issues.
On top of this, I also suffer from extreme severe allergies and asthma (which I believe is actually COPD, as my grandmother had it). I was diagnosed with asthmatic bronchitis in 1981, but never told or treated, with continued prolonged exposure to heavy secondhand smoke in the home throughout my (limited) development as I grew up. So what Asperger's doesn't give me trouble with, allergies and breathing issues do.
Untreated, my lungs are around 45% capacity, and I am literally allergic to air, in that smoke, most perfumes and colognes, chemicals, etc., hit me with the range of severity somewhere between mustard gas and Chernobyl. I have heard that allergies and respiratory issues have been linked to ASD, but growing up in an ashtray certainly didn't help – I arrived home from a 2-week vocational evaluation away from home to actually be able to smell the stale, smoky smell of that house for the first time, and it bowled me over. I was already having problems then at 17 and didn't know it. I even adopted "Allergic To Air" as an artist name in recording music.
Back to ASD / Asperger's. At 45, I have only recently begun to understand why I always seem misunderstood by and at odds with others, and why I just generally seem to fail at life. It's quite frustrating knowing the intelligence I display is limited by such a disorder in that I can only apply it in a limited fashion. One of my limited areas of decent focus is vehicles, equipment, machinery – typical of ASD and Asperger's – making driving jobs a fairly natural fit for me.
I have read that driving is an issue for some with ASD or Asperger's, but though I have noticed minor deficiencies more recently, from food delivery to taxi to commercial trucks, I have done reasonably well with jobs involving driving, my best degree of success in driving big rigs, which I really loved. The routine of daily inspections and knowing what I had to do was a good fit for me. Unfortunately, constant exposure to diesel exhaust at shipping yards and truck stops pushed my then-unknown respiratory issues to the breaking point, forcing me to give it up after five years.
Since then, between the relative danger of being in public with such severe asthma combined with ASD 's reduction of my ability to function, I have been in purgatory, surrounded by people who push me when I'm doing the best I can, refusing to research the conditions themselves, even shooting down any research or articles I send them, or refusing to even read them. I am not sure if this is ableism per se, but it sure seems like it. Expecting too much from someone with certain issues is just as bad as presuming them helpless.
Though I do feel a certain sense of accomplishment for functioning as well as I have, even if I may not be able to do so for much longer, I liken my life to being much like driving a car that randomly stalls and slips out of gear, that can never drive straight, and cannot be fixed.
There are other things I could say here, but I believe I'll save them for another post before this one gets too long. Hopefully, it's not too long already... All in all, the more I learn about these conditions and how Asperger's explains me perfectly, I become more okay with myself, though I am apprehensive about my future, as I have read quite a bit indicating that ASD and Asperger's never really get better -- if anything, they get worse, and I show signs of that. Just as I begin to come to terms with the idea of a new normal, that new normal is becoming yet ANOTHER new normal.
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