Never dated, need advice

[Dr. Smart]

So I'm almost 25, and I'm a virgin, who's never kissed a girl, and the only girlfriend I've had was in name only when I was 15, I was a social out class in highschool, when others were experimenting with how the whole dating thing works so I never really got the chance to learn, and now that I am more socially mature and out in the real world I have no idea where to even start.

My main concern is I want to have a family some day and I'm not getting any younger. At my age I might not necessarily be expected to be married and on my way, but to at least be somewhat experienced with dating.

I'm thinking of trying a dating website, but even then I have to put myself out there and know how to court someone, it seems intimidating and I feel like it will be so embarrassing to bring up to a woman my lack of experience in every aspect of dating.

Any aspies with relationship experience who can give me some advice on how to approach this mine field? and please no cliches like "be yourself"

 

[OkRad]

I applaud your efforts. I truly am as perplexed as you. When I was young, the joke was I had to pay people to date me. And I am female! I had no boyfriends until I faked everything I did and hated myself. Then, it was always men who knew I was "off" and I got beat up a lot.

Now I am terrified to even make friends. I am mute in public, never go out unless I have to and immerse myself in my special interests.

But how did I date? Truly, for me, I had to fake. With men it may be different. Women, I think maybe are more lenient? Maybe not?

I don't know! I wish I did.

 

[Dr. Smart]

I had no boyfriends until I faked everything I did and hated myself. Then, it was always men who knew I was "off" and I got beat up a lot.

Now I am terrified to even make friends. I am mute in public, never go out unless I have to and immerse myself in my special interests.

That sounds awful, I'm sorry you had such bad experiences, and I hope you can learn to move passed them. I couldn't do the whole mute thing myself, one of my quirks is that I talk way too much about my obsessions, and I have only in these last few years got better at controlling that.

 

[Clintos]

What are you looking for in a women?

 

[Dr. Smart]

What are you looking for in a women?

actually my biggest things would be intelegence, tolerance, and kindness. but honestly I just want to gain experience in dating so its not as if i'm looking for "Ms. Right" immediately.

 

[Clintos]

I see, lol. I've been single for 3 years and found that the best place to meet people are at school,employment,bars,malls and grocery stores. Wish I could tell you the secret, but I myself have only had 5 Girlfriends. I am not particularly gifted in that department. I'll be following your post hoping to gain some insight.

 

[Mr Allen]

If you think that's bad at 25, trying being 15 years your senior and in pretty much the same Boat mate.

When my Brother was 40, nearly 3 and half years ago, he was married with 2 kids, he's NT though.

 

[The Penguin]

I would focus on friendship and the rest will come within time. I find rushing into a dating relationship too fast normally never work.

 

[Clintos]

I agree with penguin. I've made my mistakes and now pay for it. I choose to be single now, until I find the right one.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I'm about to turn 26 and I'm in the same boat as you. I think I will trying a dating site when I'm able. But I'm not particularly worried about it. I'd like to sort out other things like employment, a place of my own before I tackle the whole girlfriend thing. Being unemployed and on benefits isn't exactly the most sexiest thing ever. But I don't know how I'm going to get on with it, I think I'm asexual so I'm a bit anxious when, you know, the time comes.

 

[The Penguin]

I'm about to turn 26 and I'm in the same boat as you. I think I will trying a dating site when I'm able. But I'm not particularly worried about it. I'd like to sort out other things like employment, a place of my own before I tackle the whole girlfriend thing. Being unemployed and on benefits isn't exactly the most sexiest thing ever. But I don't know how I'm going to get on with it, I think I'm asexual so I'm a bit anxious when, you know, the time comes.

Similar goals as me. I want to ensure I can keep my independence, able to keep a job, pay off debts and get other things in order for my life first.

 

[nowwhat]

She will appear when and where you least expect. Of course, her purpose might be to claw your chest open and devour your still beating heart while you watch. Or, she might want to enjoy getting to know you, share life, and perform deliciois and intimate acts with you. Or some combination of the two. You will not be able to tell upfront.

But I was serious about the unexpectedness of meeting someone. In the meantime, work on making yourself someone who can carry on a relationship.and be a blessing to whomever she ends up being.

 

[midlife aspie]

I had only one relationship prior to meeting my wife. I was 22 when I started dating, and that first relationship pretty much started by action on her part. It didn't last long before I decided that she wasn't right for me. When I became acquainted with my wife, I could see almost immediately that she was a person who was very much like me and had all of the personality traits I sought, although I did compromise a little in the 'looks' department; I held honesty, modesty, demeanor, integrity and attitude in higher regard. I still do, although feeling attracted (physically) to one's mate is important and problems arise when that feeling diminishes, as I am finding out. She does exhibit many traits that manifest in Aspie females, and I wonder sometimes if there is some kind of 'Aspie radar' that allows us to subconsciously home in on our own kind. February will mark our 20th anniversary as a couple. My avatar is a picture taken of us on the beach in Destin Florida on our honeymoon in 2004.

 

[midlife aspie]

I will add also that intimate relationships require A LOT of work and maintenance, even AS/AS ones! If you are serious about starting a relationship be prepared to:
1. Accept the presence of another person in your life, AT ALL LEVELS!
2. Be prepared to negotiate and compromise with that person, with the understanding that there is a third element present: the relationship itself.
3. Life is no longer just about what you want. (goes with #2)
4. That other person must become your best friend and confidant eventually, or the relationship will die.
5. Understand that trust dies when secrets are kept.
6. Understand that in the long term, love is just as much a choice as it is an emotion.
7. Find joy and comfort in your partner, in addition to providing the same for them.
8. Have fun in the good times and support each other in the bad ones!
9. Communicate everything to the best of your ability.
10. Say you are sorry, even if you do not feel responsible for whatever 'it' is or was. Grudges are like cancer.

 

[Clintos]

I was told to treat your lover like an unwrapped gift every night and you will be fine.

 

[midlife aspie]

^^^Funny!

 

[Ylva]

Take it from someone who was in a hurry: losing your virginity isn't all it's cracked up to be.

And I'm not talking about physical pain – just the intimacy and the forcedness and the fakeness of it all.

There are many ways to have a family. You don't even have to make the kids yourself, really. And I doubt you'd be happily married to someone who is just a slot-filler for the slot marked "wife". I even think all the practise is overestimated – maybe even your own responses are telling you that you wouldn't be comfortable dating. Anyway, there are websites for aspies to date, or at least get to know each other. Try one of those.

 

[Dr. Smart]

hmm... so far what I think I am seeing is...

• Focus on improving myself for the moment.
• Possibly give up and continue to be single.
• Know what traits I find desirable.
• Potentially look for another aspie
• Try to recognize those traits in the women I meet.
• Don't rush into a relationship.
• ???<< how to actually enter the relationship... (presumably involves having an intense argument that leads to intense making out... or making bad jokes that are compliments of her physical appearance...)
• Enter the relationship with acceptance that things may or may not work out.
• Respect and compromise and forgiveness etc...

I don't know, this seems like decent advice but I feel like the actual "how to" instruction manual was left out and it was just indicated that i would naturally end up in a relationship once i picked a girl or something. I don't know how to date, I don't know how to talk to a girl and let her know i like her other then cheesy sitcom scenarios.

The truth is I am already trying to improve myself every day. when I graduated highschool and got diagnosed with aspergers, I was nowhere near as independent as I am now, I determined I would not let it hold me back and while it took longer then i'd have liked, I worked hard to find a consistent job, and move out on my own. I plan on attending college next year and working towards a career in education. I am always pushing myself to get better at socializing and making friends. But in that process I have always put aside the idea of pursuing relationships as something i would do after i had a job, or after i had my own place, or after i had my own car, and I'm running out of afters. I hate to remain stagnant, I want to further my goal of self improvement, and that includes improving my social abilities, and if I never try I don't feel like I'll know what to do if I do meet "the right girl"

I don't intend to rush anything, I've been procrastinating long enough though, so I'd like to at least know what baby steps will get me on the right path. And if I get hurt in the process or I learn that relationships aren't for me that will help me improve as well, knowing more about myself excites me, it allows me to know what to improve on, and what my strengths are. and getting hurt would probably help me with my empathy, I am sympathetic to others when they get their hearts broken, but i don't know the pain myself so it would at least allow me to relate to them better.

I can accept a life without a significant other, however I don't want to miss an opportunity because I never gave it a shot.

I hope I don't come off as insensitive or ungrateful here, I think the advice given was great, but I really wanted to explain my perspective on this further. I think you may have also boosted my confidence, so I can give this a shot even if i don't know the exact mechanisms that neurotypicals use to court each other.

also... after posting this thread I mentally thought out the girls i know of who fit my criteria and after checking her facebook to see that she was single, I have considered one particular co-worker as someone i'd be interested in pursuing at least a movie date, I am nervous and kind of expect rejection, but I feel like she would be kind enough to let me down easy, and at the very least it is a learning experience. I will keep what was said in this forum in mind ^^

 

[The Penguin]

Seems like you valued the feedback everyone shared this far.

When you do get a chance to connected with someone I would't over think things as you might just make things worse for yourself. The person should be able to understand you and accept you for who you are. The first step to focus more understanding the person and the rest will work it self out.

 

[fuzz]

I'm trying to tell which bit of the meeting someone and finding you both have romantic feelings for each other you want more info on. Here are the steps I had at the start of a relationship. Let me know if you want me to explain any of them more fully?

1) I'm doing a course about finding work and start talking to the girl next to me about what she is doing on the computer
2) One of the guys I have been chatting earlier with asks both of us if we'd like to go and get lunch in town during the lunch break
3) During lunch I start to form a friendship connection with the girl
4) She has a boyfriend :/
5) I end up going to lunch with her at lunch break during the rest of the course. And often it's just us two, so we are able to get to know each other much more
6) We flirt and it is clear we are both attracted to each other.
7) We keep each other's contact details before the course ends
8) 2 Years pass, and we hardly contact each other
9) We make contact again and talk about what has happened since we last talked, and she asks if I'd like to go do a meal. She had broken up with her boyfriend since we last talked.
10) We enjoy the meal, and decide to meet up again
11) After a few meals later we decide we are going out together
12) We begin being in contact everyday.