Needy NT’s

[sisselcakes]

As an example of how easy it is to get tangled up in what is said v what is meant: I once told my wife that she looked really pretty without makeup. This was because she did, and I saw her labouring for ages every day putting makeup on and thought she must not realise that she is every bit as pretty without as with. She (it transpired) was very hurt by my comment because she took it to mean that she didn't look pretty wearing makeup, and all that time putting it on was a waste.

We NT's make so many assumptions and read messages into comments that aren't necessarily insinuated by the speaker; but we can't help it- we are wired like that. LOL

 

[AO1501]

We NT's make so many assumptions and read messages into comments that aren't necessarily insinuated by the speaker; but we can't help it- we are wired like that. LOL

That is certainly true, and even if you know you're in an NT/AS relationship, it is still really hard to cross the divide between direct and implied meaning. In my case, we didn't know that I am on the spectrum, so it made life harder when these misunderstandings happened - and in 15 years there were lots of them!

 

[Judge]

We NT's make so many assumptions and read messages into comments that aren't necessarily insinuated by the speaker; but we can't help it- we are wired like that. LOL

Oddly enough majoring in political science has probably been my greatest aid in attempting to understand NT mindsets. In essence it gave me tools in which to better assess "reading in between the lines" of person's words, actions and motivations rather than take them at face value.

Not a perfect process by any means, but in my case better than nothing at all. Though analyzing a relationship in a political manner isn't usually practical, despite what my Chinese Foreign Policy professor once implied. That all relationships are "political". What can I say? She was big on Mao.

 

[Nervous Rex]

As an example of how easy it is to get tangled up in what is said v what is meant: I once told my wife that she looked really pretty without makeup. This was because she did, and I saw her labouring for ages every day putting makeup on and thought she must not realise that she is every bit as pretty without as with. She (it transpired) was very hurt by my comment because she took it to mean that she didn't look pretty wearing makeup, and all that time putting it on was a waste.

Things like this happen to me a lot. After the fact, I think through it and decide that next time I'll say, "You look just as pretty without makeup"

But thinking of the right thing to say after the fact doesn't help as much when I've really put my foot in it. That's why everything I say usually goes through a large number of filters before I say it. It helps some. Not a lot, but some.

 

[sisselcakes]

That is certainly true, and even if you know you're in an NT/AS relationship, it is still really hard to cross the divide between direct and implied meaning. In my case, we didn't know that I am on the spectrum, so it made life harder when these misunderstandings happened - and in 15 years there were lots of them!

I bet!

 

[sisselcakes]

Oddly enough majoring in political science has probably been my greatest aid in attempting to understand NT mindsets. In essence it gave me tools in which to better assess "reading in between the lines" of person's words, actions and motivations rather than take them at face value.

Not a perfect process by any means, but in my case better than nothing at all. Though analyzing a relationship in a political manner isn't usually practical, despite what my Chinese Foreign Policy professor once implied. That all relationships are "political". What can I say? She was big on Mao.

Well that went over my head - the Mao part Lol. Very intersting, though, that political science helped. I have to agree with your prof. There are politics in everything.

 

[Judge]

Well that went over my head - the Mao part Lol. Very intersting, though, that political science helped. I have to agree with your prof. There are politics in everything.

A tenet of totalitarianism. Indicative of a school of thought that pushes the notion that while all relationships are political in nature, they are all subservient to the will of the state.- and the party.

Most people like to think of their personal relationships in terms of love and attraction rather than something more indicative of a power struggle. As to which is closer to the truth, well....that's for each and everyone one of you to determine.

 

[AO1501]

As an NT, this is very confusing to me. I don't give compliments unless I mean them very sincerely, i.e. don't give them as a knee jerk social reaction. But now I'm feeling like any positive feedback or compliment I give is going to backfire. And that if I need some feedback it will be viewed as my being insecure instead of maybe my desire to learn what I can do to improve or what things are valued by the other person. So what is it I'm not getting here?.....

I meant to reply to this, and it escaped me.

It isn't that there is a problem with compliments and feedback, but the form of words used. For example, 'that was great, thanks', doesn't actually mean anything, whereas 'Thank you for that, it helped me a lot' does.

If, in my earlier post, the Managing Partner had said 'That was a great job, now we can .... ' and tell me how it helped the firm move on with its objectives, I would have accepted that because it does mean something. I tells me where, in my relationship with needs, I have helped. 'Great job' tells me nothing I don't already know - probably better than him.

In my experience, compliments are almost always 'open', meaning that to my thought process, I have no way to comprehend a destination. 'Closed' complements inform me of a result.

 

[peachykeen]

It took me a long time to learn these things, and I think it might help your boyfriend to know them, too:

1) Women typically value several small deeds over one large one. A small note, a thoughtful text, take the garbage out, pick up around the house, ask how your day was - these things will go a lot further than one large thing that you think is more impressive.

2) Women often want to talk just to talk. You don’t have to solve anything. You just have to listen and try to show that you understand how she feels. You can mention a time when you felt the same way, but keep it brief and let her talk.

3) Make sure the last thing you say to her is always how you feel about her. Do this when you leave in the morning, when you go to bed at night, when you go out on a walk, etc.

4) It doesn’t matter if you just met, have been together a while, or have been married for decades, you always need to continue to court her. Always treat her like you’re trying to get her to marry you.

I can’t tell you how much I like these 4 tips! And I think it’s great that you have made an effort over the years to learn them.
I know that a lot of these things are difficult for aspies to understand and I often wonder if my boyfriend will end up just learning what these things ‘look like’ and mimicking them as opposed to truly understanding and meaning them.
.....and I partly want to scold myself for thinking I’d be happy with him just learning them because he’s still doing it for me on the understanding these are things I need! Means so much more coming from someone that has had to work at it than from someone who can throw affections out like they’re nothing!

 

[Sunshine Err Day]

Hi there. Was looking for some advice..I feel pretty sure that my partner is on the spectrum and is unaware. It has posed some challenges in communication and I wonder if this is something I should talk to him about? Any and all advice welcome! He's wonderful and my hope is to gain more insight so I can be a better partner!