Needy NT’s

[Streetwise]

Oh yes I do! I can recognize how he expresses his caring through "acts of service" and do not need him to compliment me. I think I fully understand how important his actions are, more so because he has a wall up and lets me in. That's not really my issue. I'm upset that if I compliment someone, like on this forum, that I will be perceived as insincere and manipulative when I am being as sincere as I know how to be. I only compliment when I believe it to be true and feel the feedback would be helpful to the person I'm complimenting. But maybe feedback is only helpful to NTs and not aspies? I view sincere feedback as a way to correct distortions in one's self image. If someone has no need of feedback for this then that's fine. But sometimes I just like to express appreciation of someone's abilities, behaviors or whatever. I feel like I'm digging myself into a hole of justification here so will stop. (I want to steal a Fridge tactic and say "You're all awful so just go home." ) (see Fridge, I'm learning your bad habits XD)

for me it's not insincerity the words are just meaningless I can't give you feedback about a compliment because it doesn't mean anything to me at all .
autism is logic based,because I panic so much I'm pleased by things that stop the panic !the more I'm panicking the smaller my vocabulary becomes !,it's a form of dementia but this dementia is almost curable because your vocabulary can return when you panic less.
somebody complimented me on my hat !but I was more pleased because somebody had actually talked to me and didn't give me a patronising tone.The person asked where I got the hat.

 

[Life of As-pi]

He says that he shows love through deeds.
[...]
Also, he seems to be very uncomfortable when I say nice things about him. It’s like he can’t accept a compliment. He will usually respond by confirming my observation. Like Ill say he has really nice blue eyes. And he’ll respond “yep, they’re blue.”

Is this an aspie thing or is it just his personality ?

Oh dear, that sounds precisely like my boyfriend. We're in a relationship for 12 years now, and boy those were challenging 12 years. Mostly because of this very issue you described in your post. Note that my b/f is diagnosed with a rather severe form of ADHD, and just like you, I still haven't figured out whether that issue is one of his character traits or because he's a Hypie. Apologies if this post might become a long one:
Generally spoken, so many males out there are cut off from their own emotions. Probably that's due to how they were raised, emotions in a man perceived as a weakness, maybe because they felt hurt so many times that they decided to lock their emotions in a safe place in order to protect themselves - or simply because emotions are somewhat illogical to them, making them useless and hence get disintegrated. Could you tell the difference? I guess not :/
Is your boyfriend actually able to empathize with other persons or is he lacking this ability?

I'm relying heavily on my ability to empathize because it's the only somewhat reliable way to make sense of the people around me, my b/f is the exact opposite as he can only relate to himself and no one else. During our first years, I mistook this for him being egocentric and ignorant, while I was the one being ignorant. I couldn't even imagine there's persons who are unable to extend these invisible antennae towards others to sense what's going on, so they entirely rely on their mind instead of their feeling.
The lesson I have learned (once I stopped mistaking him for being insensitive): if a person who's like this really loves you, they do just about anything for you. Where another woman's husband murmurs 'love ya honey, love ya sooo much' and then swiftly disappears to meet his friends in the bar, a man like ours comes over telling you 'your car made a strange noise the other day, I'll go investigate it for you and meet my friends afterwards if that's ok'.

If you need compliments like food and water, try to translate his deeds into words. Every single thing he does for you basically is like he tells you that he loves you. However, don't be put off if he also helps others, as this 'deeds before words' thing is not exclusively reserved for girlfriends. Those guys beg to differ - by what they do for others, and what they >don't< do for others.

Also, you asked him the other day what he most appreciates about you as a person and you received an answer that made you happy, so if you feel like you're thirsty for a verbal message, just ask him for one and see what happens

I hope that was somewhat helpful...

 

[Echo]

My spouse's favourite response to anything complimentary that I say about him or us is: "Ditto" Which used to make me angry originally, but now makes me laugh.

Haha... I often do that.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Haha... I often do that.

Ditto

 

[Echo]

Ditto

"Ditto!.. Ditto..... ditto....." she echoed.....

 

[sisselcakes]

From my point of view compliments and validation outside of the aspie world, feel forced and fake which makes them not genuine. Almost as if they don't mean anything to me. When I give a compliment or receive one, it's usually a real one and not as much tied to social conventions More valid to me than a 'give away' compliment which feels like manipulation rather than coming from a place of honesty. Something I'm quite aware of on my disingenuous radar.

You provide some good insight here. Compliments certainly are often given due to social expectations or an attempt to manipulate someone. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's so true- like when you HAVE to tell a new mother her baby is beautiful. I can see how they would come across as fake, or maybe not being able to tell when they are heart-felt versus forced.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hi Chance,

Thank you for your well-wishes and feedback. Much appreciated!

That was one of the first things that clued me in to my bf being different from previous men I had dated- the sensory/touch thing. While he's affectionate by squeezing my leg or giving kisses, for example, he DOES NOT like getting touched in certain areas. I've always wondered what the discomfort must feel like, but your describing it as "shuddering", I completely get that.

You point out that you aren't sure what to do with compliments- that they make you feel uneasy. That's EXACTLY the sense I get from by bf, but he has a hard time explaining things to me and sometimes gets defensive, when I'm really only trying to understand his reality.

Thanks again.

 

[sisselcakes]

It’s totally a guy thing to want to show love by deeds, the bigger the better, not just an autism thing.

When you just want to vent or express your emotions and he tries to tell you how to solve it, that’s a guy thing, too.

It seems like most romantic comedies revolve around men and women not understanding this about each other.

It’s great that you recognize that some things require time for him to process, and that you gave him the time. His feelings are in there, they’re just hard to find and hard to express.

It took me a long time to learn these things, and I think it might help your boyfriend to know them, too:

1) Women typically value several small deeds over one large one. A small note, a thoughtful text, take the garbage out, pick up around the house, ask how your day was - these things will go a lot further than one large thing that you think is more impressive.

2) Women often want to talk just to talk. You don’t have to solve anything. You just have to listen and try to show that you understand how she feels. You can mention a time when you felt the same way, but keep it brief and let her talk.

3) Make sure the last thing you say to her is always how you feel about her. Do this when you leave in the morning, when you go to bed at night, when you go out on a walk, etc.

4) It doesn’t matter if you just met, have been together a while, or have been married for decades, you always need to continue to court her. Always treat her like you’re trying to get her to marry you.

Hi Nervous Rex,

Love the username. LOL.

Yeah, I've heard the show-love-with-deeds is totally a guy thing. Just wondered if it deeds vs. verbal pronouncements of love were more more pronounced in men with ASD.

Thank you so much for the ideas you enumerated. I know he tries in his own way, and I also understand he is never going to think or react to what I'm used to, but he just doesn't seem to TRY to get what I say (even on an intellectual level). I'm not sure what that's about (kinda having a rough couple days).

The biggest challenge we have at the moment is his defensiveness. I've worked really hard to understand his reality and POV and when I say things or offer suggestions I'm really NOT being critical. I suspect he's been criticized for these things in the past, thus "hears" them as critical from me. Sigh. I will put these suggestions away for when we have another heart to heart.

Appreciate your feedback. Great insights.

 

[sisselcakes]

I'm voting "aspie thing"! All the way!

This is definitely a thing that my NT husband and I have struggled with.



I think you've done a really good job noticing and articulating this.

I don't really do compliments and only validate someones point of view by relaying supporting evidence to them or raising a consideration that they may have overlooked.

My NT husband also needs validation but I can't get my head around it. I try to repeat his words back to him, I try to nod and make "agreeing noises", but he is never happy with it. I think what he needs from me is an injection of confidence. But I fail to see how one can give confidence. It is something inside, something you have to find for yourself. You can't pass "confidence" through the air or ingest it.

Additionally I validate my points of views with facts. If accurate and sufficient data has led me to a conclusion then it is automatically valid.

Does this make sense?



Precisely, I couldn't agree more with him

So, in order to complement an aspie, I would present encouragement on special interests. For example, if my NT husband observes that "given your rate of study, the chances are high that you could become a neuroscientist". I would take this as a compliment.

But for an aspie to complement an NT, oh I wish I knew. Maybe if you isolate the facts that led you to a conclusion and present them to him for analysis? If he confirms that they are sufficient to derive a hypothesis, then you can present your conclusion and he could say "I agree"? Is that a compliment? !!!

I love this "only validate someones point of view by relaying supporting evidence to them or raising a consideration that they may have overlooked." because this is exactly what my bf does in reverse, so if what I say doesn't line up with evidence or his logic, he dismisses my POV. That's challenging for me because our world isn't based on logic. A lot of it is strictly emotional and if I want to complain about what an a'hole our current leader is, I just want someone to listen and say "I hear you"- not argue the facts with me. Sigh.

It's nice that you try to give validation and sounds like you know the "tricks" but it probably feels fake and then comes across to your NT husband as such. Communication sure is a struggle in mixed couples. I'm glad we aren't alone. It gets so challenging at times.

 

[sisselcakes]

I get that some people need compliments, though I have no idea why.[/QUOTE]

I said all I had done was my job, because it was my job to deliver on the project.

OMG. You killed me with the comment above. Reminds me soooo much of my bf. That's so funny. And, btw, NT's will get insulted if you don't accept their compliments, but you probably already figured that out.

 

[sisselcakes]

I know that I don't give the kind of compliments that are expected in a relationship, 'you look very pretty today', because I know you already know it. There's no point in me telling you what you already know.

This intrigued me. Never thought of it like that but it makes sense.

 

[Judge]

This intrigued me. Never thought of it like that but it makes sense.

In our world quite often simple logic supersedes simple courtesies. Socially to our detriment, however.

 

[sisselcakes]

The flip side, which makes not complimenting an NT worse, is then being brutally honest on top of it. It just takes you to a place where you felt unappreciated and unattractive to downright crap.

He does not like my hair up. He prefers when I wear makeup and he doesn't like particular shirts I wear. So I had all three going against me when I came home from work last night, after working late and feeling exhausted.

I get home from work and he says, "you didn't shower today?" I'm like, "yeah, this morning, why?" "you look rough".

Needless to say, we didn't have the best time together last night! Ha!

 

[sisselcakes]

In our world quite often simple logic supersedes simple courtesies. Socially to our detriment, however.

I can see that. LOL

 

[Judge]

The flip side, which makes not complimenting an NT worse, is then being brutally honest on top of it. It just takes you to a place where you felt unappreciated and unattractive to downright crap.

Could be worse. Imagine being constantly complimented like Eddie Haskell did to June Cleaver.

Where Mrs. Cleaver KNOWS it's all BS anyways.

I suppose the easiest thing would be to lament as Aspies we lose either way. But in my own defense, I'd really, really NOT like to be another Eddie Haskell.

My best play quite often is just to say nothing. Which sadly has also been known to be my worst play as well in relationships with NT women. Quite costly not saying the "L" word on a holiday.

"Needy" NTs and Aspies? Ouch. Bad combination IMO.

 

[sisselcakes]

Oh dear, that sounds precisely like my boyfriend. We're in a relationship for 12 years now, and boy those were challenging 12 years. Mostly because of this very issue you described in your post. Note that my b/f is diagnosed with a rather severe form of ADHD, and just like you, I still haven't figured out whether that issue is one of his character traits or because he's a Hypie. Apologies if this post might become a long one:
Generally spoken, so many males out there are cut off from their own emotions. Probably that's due to how they were raised, emotions in a man perceived as a weakness, maybe because they felt hurt so many times that they decided to lock their emotions in a safe place in order to protect themselves - or simply because emotions are somewhat illogical to them, making them useless and hence get disintegrated. Could you tell the difference? I guess not :/
Is your boyfriend actually able to empathize with other persons or is he lacking this ability?

I'm relying heavily on my ability to empathize because it's the only somewhat reliable way to make sense of the people around me, my b/f is the exact opposite as he can only relate to himself and no one else. During our first years, I mistook this for him being egocentric and ignorant, while I was the one being ignorant. I couldn't even imagine there's persons who are unable to extend these invisible antennae towards others to sense what's going on, so they entirely rely on their mind instead of their feeling.
The lesson I have learned (once I stopped mistaking him for being insensitive): if a person who's like this really loves you, they do just about anything for you. Where another woman's husband murmurs 'love ya honey, love ya sooo much' and then swiftly disappears to meet his friends in the bar, a man like ours comes over telling you 'your car made a strange noise the other day, I'll go investigate it for you and meet my friends afterwards if that's ok'.

If you need compliments like food and water, try to translate his deeds into words. Every single thing he does for you basically is like he tells you that he loves you. However, don't be put off if he also helps others, as this 'deeds before words' thing is not exclusively reserved for girlfriends. Those guys beg to differ - by what they do for others, and what they >don't< do for others.

Also, you asked him the other day what he most appreciates about you as a person and you received an answer that made you happy, so if you feel like you're thirsty for a verbal message, just ask him for one and see what happens

I hope that was somewhat helpful...

Hi there. To your question about whether or not my bf can empathize with others, I would say he is compassionate from a distance. While he has a hard time immediately putting himself in others' shoes, he will express feeling bad for victims of a disaster or animals, etc, etc. Definitely has issues with "theory of mind"/'mind-blindness".

I intellectually understand your point there's persons who are unable to extend these invisible antennae towards others to sense what's going on, so they entirely rely on their mind instead of their feeling but you put it in a way that helps me to empathize a bit better with his thought process.

I like your idea about putting the deeds into words. Very creative and might be effective

 

[sisselcakes]

Could be worse. Imagine being constantly complimented like Eddie Haskell did to June Cleaver.

Where Mrs. Cleaver KNOWS it's all BS anyways.

I suppose the easiest thing would be to lament as Aspies we lose either way. But in my own defense, I'd really, really NOT like to be another Eddie Haskell.

My best play quite often is just to say nothing. Which sadly has also been known to be my worst play as well in relationships with NT women. Quite costly not saying the "L" word on a holiday.

"Needy" NTs and Aspies? Ouch. Bad combination IMO.

You make a good point. LOL.

Yes, can be a bad combo - needy NT's and aspies. Have you had better luck with ASD women? Curious.

 

[Judge]

Yes, can be a bad combo - needy NT's and aspies. Have you had better luck with ASD women? Curious.

Oh I think I've even posted that as such. That if I ever again had the opportunity I'd prefer my own kind. Though it would interesting to see if hindsight could have helped with other NT women. But being in my 60s, it's pretty much all of a moot point to be honest.

Let's just say a mixed relationship like that probably takes a lot of work for both of them.

 

[AO1501]

The flip side, which makes not complimenting an NT worse, is then being brutally honest on top of it. It just takes you to a place where you felt unappreciated and unattractive to downright crap.

As an example of how easy it is to get tangled up in what is said v what is meant: I once told my wife that she looked really pretty without makeup. This was because she did, and I saw her labouring for ages every day putting makeup on and thought she must not realise that she is every bit as pretty without as with. She (it transpired) was very hurt by my comment because she took it to mean that she didn't look pretty wearing makeup, and all that time putting it on was a waste.

 

[sisselcakes]

As an example of how easy it is to get tangled up in what is said v what is meant: I once told my wife that she looked really pretty without makeup. This was because she did, and I saw her labouring for ages every day putting makeup on and thought she must not realise that she is every bit as pretty without as with. She (it transpired) was very hurt by my comment because she took it to mean that she didn't look pretty wearing makeup, and all that time putting it on was a waste.

holy cow. that's a great example of a huge misunderstanding of someone's good intent. thanks for sharing.