• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

sisselcakes

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Hi everyone.

Looking for some perspective here.

So, my boyfriend who we suspect is Aspie, and I have slowly been overcoming our communication barriers.

One thing that became pretty apparent to me is that he doesn’t often validate my point of view or give compliments. In my NT world this is something I’m used to and have always taken for granted in My non-Aspie relationships.

It took me a while to realize the root of this disconnect between us.

So, he has been slow to realize that this is something that I need, just like somebody needs food or water. I know that sounds dramatic but it’s just true.

He says that he shows love through deeds.

My question is if it’s really a challenge for people on the spectrum to do this. I’m asking because we’ve gotten to the point where I’m flat coming out and asking him for feedback.

Like last night I said “what do you appreciate about me as a person?” He just looked at me with the most adorable smile. Then I could tell he was processing it. And he finally came up with something that I really appreciated.

Also, he seems to be very uncomfortable when I say nice things about him. It’s like he can’t accept a compliment. He will usually respond by confirming my observation. Like Ill say he has really nice blue eyes. And he’ll respond “yep, they’re blue.”

Is this an aspie thing or is it just his personality ?

Thanks.
 
Probably a little of both I'd imagine really, (personality and autism). I can understand the need for positive affirmations. For me at the beginning of my marriage, it was much easier to give them. As time went on it got harder and harder. I think in my case it's because she usually only has negative things to point out. But anyways, if you've been together a while it could be that your relationship is stagnating, and maybe you both need to do something to spice it up?
 
Thank you for your response. It gives me pause- to be aware of how I come across. I need to be careful to not blame him for things and to be sensitive to when he believes I'm doing that.

It's not so much that our relationship is stagnating. It's been a challenge from early on, with the communication difficulties. I feel like things are looking up though. Fingers crossed!
 
One thing that became pretty apparent to me is that he doesn’t often validate my point of view or give compliments. In my NT world this is something I’m used to and have always taken for granted in My non-Aspie relationships.

From my point of view compliments and validation outside of the aspie world, feel forced and fake which makes them not genuine. Almost as if they don't mean anything to me. When I give a compliment or receive one, it's usually a real one and not as much tied to social conventions More valid to me than a 'give away' compliment which feels like manipulation rather than coming from a place of honesty. Something I'm quite aware of on my disingenuous radar.
 
Last edited:
Hi everyone.

Looking for some perspective here.

So, my boyfriend who we suspect is Aspie, and I have slowly been overcoming our communication barriers.

One thing that became pretty apparent to me is that he doesn’t often validate my point of view or give compliments. In my NT world this is something I’m used to and have always taken for granted in My non-Aspie relationships.

It took me a while to realize the root of this disconnect between us.

So, he has been slow to realize that this is something that I need, just like somebody needs food or water. I know that sounds dramatic but it’s just true.

He says that he shows love through deeds.

My question is if it’s really a challenge for people on the spectrum to do this. I’m asking because we’ve gotten to the point where I’m flat coming out and asking him for feedback.

Like last night I said “what do you appreciate about me as a person?” He just looked at me with the most adorable smile. Then I could tell he was processing it. And he finally came up with something that I really appreciated.

Also, he seems to be very uncomfortable when I say nice things about him. It’s like he can’t accept a compliment. He will usually respond by confirming my observation. Like Ill say he has really nice blue eyes. And he’ll respond “yep, they’re blue.”

Is this an aspie thing or is it just his personality ?

Thanks.

I'm a guy with ASD, but basically no 2 people with any form of ASD are exactly alike... However, of course there are generalities.

I totally get the love by deeds thing. I don't really know if I could be affectionate like an NT. I struggle really bad with people touching or caressing me... Its very uncomfortable to me and I try very hard to not let that show, but sometimes I "shutter" and I guess my actions kind of give it away that I suck at this... and sadly its not something I can just fake. Sensory issues are very real.

Communication is the top issue with anything related to AS/ASD... It takes us time to process stuff because we do this in a totally different way and our brains are firing in very different places than NT's. I see in pictures (sometimes foggy word pictures)... So I go through these memory files as fast as possible to find a response that will hopefully fit the situation at hand... Sometimes I do really good, sometimes I look like a total fool!

Chit chat and small talk are of zero use to me... I'm a very simple say what you want and mean what you say type person. In my logic based responses I have been told I am cold, or empty... But every now and then (if given the right time and place) I can be funny, or stupid.

I never know what to do with complements... I sort of feel uneasy and I might even change the subject to something random to help ease that... I do try and complement others on job well done or something like that, but if it has to drip with emotion... I'm in trouble.

Anyway... There is just a little hard core AS/ASD general stuff that you can use to gauge with other stuff you will figure out...

I hope you both figure it out and are very happy... : )
 
It’s totally a guy thing to want to show love by deeds, the bigger the better, not just an autism thing.

When you just want to vent or express your emotions and he tries to tell you how to solve it, that’s a guy thing, too.

It seems like most romantic comedies revolve around men and women not understanding this about each other.

It’s great that you recognize that some things require time for him to process, and that you gave him the time. His feelings are in there, they’re just hard to find and hard to express.

It took me a long time to learn these things, and I think it might help your boyfriend to know them, too:

1) Women typically value several small deeds over one large one. A small note, a thoughtful text, take the garbage out, pick up around the house, ask how your day was - these things will go a lot further than one large thing that you think is more impressive.

2) Women often want to talk just to talk. You don’t have to solve anything. You just have to listen and try to show that you understand how she feels. You can mention a time when you felt the same way, but keep it brief and let her talk.

3) Make sure the last thing you say to her is always how you feel about her. Do this when you leave in the morning, when you go to bed at night, when you go out on a walk, etc.

4) It doesn’t matter if you just met, have been together a while, or have been married for decades, you always need to continue to court her. Always treat her like you’re trying to get her to marry you.
 
I think it's hard for an NT woman in a world where some of what an asp or aut man does is connected to how men typically are socialised to behave, to tell whether it's that happening or the different aspects brain. So there's an idea He could do it if cared enough etc. And certainly my experience as an asp person is I can somewhat tick the boxes. However I wonder if you can maybe try to understand his world more, if you want more genuine quality of relating, rather than compliance with what would be normal if he was NT. I was socialised as female so I learned to mask and fit in and to attempt to facilitate and I found that to listen a lot worked well and the guy or person talking didn't necessarily require much input from me so my difference was more hidden. However I don't think this was satisfactory for me nor did it enable me to have a genuine relationship at depth . I hope you manage to have that, if it's what you want. And/or he may be able to learn some guidelines and would likely prefer to do so than lose you.
 
You're on the right track imo.
You will need to ask him. More often than you want.
You will also get annoyed about it sometimes.
But that's your relationship challenge.
His is knowing what you need a little better.



Like last night I said “what do you appreciate about me as a person?” He just looked at me with the most adorable smile.

Well 15 years in....
I normally say
'Is that a trick question?’
As I know there's a complimentary expectation...
 
I'm voting "aspie thing"! All the way!

This is definitely a thing that my NT husband and I have struggled with.

One thing that became pretty apparent to me is that he doesn’t often validate my point of view or give compliments.

I think you've done a really good job noticing and articulating this.

I don't really do compliments and only validate someones point of view by relaying supporting evidence to them or raising a consideration that they may have overlooked.

My NT husband also needs validation but I can't get my head around it. I try to repeat his words back to him, I try to nod and make "agreeing noises", but he is never happy with it. I think what he needs from me is an injection of confidence. But I fail to see how one can give confidence. It is something inside, something you have to find for yourself. You can't pass "confidence" through the air or ingest it.

Additionally I validate my points of views with facts. If accurate and sufficient data has led me to a conclusion then it is automatically valid.

Does this make sense?

He will usually respond by confirming my observation. Like Ill say he has really nice blue eyes. And he’ll respond “yep, they’re blue.”

Precisely, I couldn't agree more with him :)

So, in order to complement an aspie, I would present encouragement on special interests. For example, if my NT husband observes that "given your rate of study, the chances are high that you could become a neuroscientist". I would take this as a compliment.

But for an aspie to complement an NT, oh I wish I knew. Maybe if you isolate the facts that led you to a conclusion and present them to him for analysis? If he confirms that they are sufficient to derive a hypothesis, then you can present your conclusion and he could say "I agree"? Is that a compliment? !!!
 
Hi everyone.

Looking for some perspective here.

So, my boyfriend who we suspect is Aspie, and I have slowly been overcoming our communication barriers.

One thing that became pretty apparent to me is that he doesn’t often validate my point of view or give compliments. In my NT world this is something I’m used to and have always taken for granted in My non-Aspie relationships.

It took me a while to realize the root of this disconnect between us.

So, he has been slow to realize that this is something that I need, just like somebody needs food or water. I know that sounds dramatic but it’s just true.

He says that he shows love through deeds.

My question is if it’s really a challenge for people on the spectrum to do this. I’m asking because we’ve gotten to the point where I’m flat coming out and asking him for feedback.

Like last night I said “what do you appreciate about me as a person?” He just looked at me with the most adorable smile. Then I could tell he was processing it. And he finally came up with something that I really appreciated.

Also, he seems to be very uncomfortable when I say nice things about him. It’s like he can’t accept a compliment. He will usually respond by confirming my observation. Like Ill say he has really nice blue eyes. And he’ll respond “yep, they’re blue.”

Is this an aspie thing or is it just his personality ?

Thanks.

I would say that what you are seeing is a very aspie thing. Not to generalise, I know that I don't give the kind of compliments that are expected in a relationship, 'you look very pretty today', because I know you already know it. There's no point in me telling you what you already know. I also don't like being complimented, because I already know what you are telling me, and I don't know what to do with that compliment. Observably it means I should be saying something nice back, but then that isn't me complimenting you, but you leveraging a compliment from me with your compliment.

These are the social rules of relationships that I simply don't get, because they aren't my rules but yours. To me they don't make sense and I don't know what they are for. That's why your boyfriend has been slow to realise this is something you need, because however much it is obviously true, it is like asking a penguin to understand a kangaroo.

I know that if I love someone, I have no problem saying so, but that doesn't mean I have any idea how to show that in action. Emotions are emotions, actions are not. If I say 'I love you', then it means I do and that should be enough.

So you have to explain what your 'rules' are and why, and what they mean and what you expect of him - and be as literal and as clear and direct as you can, because metaphors and reading between the lines won't work.

As others have said, men in general can probably seem difficult in these situations, but add in a bit of aspie, and you've got a real problem!
 
Also, he seems to be very uncomfortable when I say nice things about him. It’s like he can’t accept a compliment. He will usually respond by confirming my observation.

My spouse's favourite response to anything complimentary that I say about him or us is: "Ditto" Which used to make me angry originally, but now makes me laugh.
 
I don't get the point of compliments. I don't need anyone else to tell me if I did something well, I know already.

Last year I was asked to take on a project at work. I set the objectives, mapped out the method, defined the strategy, laid out the timeline and got it done. The managing partner came to me and told me I'd done a 'super piece of work'. Yeah, and? I said all I had done was my job, because it was my job to deliver on the project. I was in the room when they said so.

The MP couldn't understand why I couldn't take the compliment. I said 'I'm not here for compliments, I'm here to do my job'. He eventually got fed up and left me alone.

I get that some people need compliments, though I have no idea why.
 
I don't get the point of compliments. I don't need anyone else to tell me if I did something well, I know already.

Last year I was asked to take on a project at work. I set the objectives, mapped out the method, defined the strategy, laid out the timeline and got it done. The managing partner came to me and told me I'd done a 'super piece of work'. Yeah, and? I said all I had done was my job, because it was my job to deliver on the project. I was in the room when they said so.

The MP couldn't understand why I couldn't take the compliment. I said 'I'm not here for compliments, I'm here to do my job'. He eventually got fed up and left me alone.

I get that some people need compliments, though I have no idea why.

Well done :)
 
As an NT, this is very confusing to me. I don't give compliments unless I mean them very sincerely, i.e. don't give them as a knee jerk social reaction. But now I'm feeling like any positive feedback or compliment I give is going to backfire. And that if I need some feedback it will be viewed as my being insecure instead of maybe my desire to learn what I can do to improve or what things are valued by the other person. So what is it I'm not getting here?

I totally get the love through actions bit, that's not the issue. I can identify when this is the case. But I think we tend to express love in the ways we want to receive love so it maybe behooves both partners to learn each others languages and relate accordingly at least some of the time. And this applies to NT/NT relationships as well as NT/AS relationships.
 
As an NT, this is very confusing to me. I don't give compliments unless I mean them very sincerely, i.e. don't give them as a knee jerk social reaction. But now I'm feeling like any positive feedback or compliment I give is going to backfire. And that if I need some feedback it will be viewed as my being insecure instead of maybe my desire to learn what I can do to improve or what things are valued by the other person. So what is it I'm not getting here?

I totally get the love through actions bit, that's not the issue. I can identify when this is the case. But I think we tend to express love in the ways we want to receive love so it maybe behooves both partners to learn each others languages and relate accordingly at least some of the time. And this applies to NT/NT relationships as well as NT/AS relationships.
this is part of the developmental disorder just doesn't mean anything I always bring it back to The scene in the Simpsons Bart is talking to his dog and you see it from the dogs point of View most of what Bart says has no form to it - it's just a meaningless sound !then he says walk or bone and the dog understands!
somebody suddenly speaking in a language that you can't understand .
 
I think that is a common Aspie trait. Perhaps its part of not understanding/needing one of the social aspects.
 
I think the main thing with us giving compliments is that we don't really know how to word things. As others in this thread have said, it doesn't sound genuine when put into words. I think that if he is showing love through deeds, then you both need to change a little. Let him know that it would mean a lot if he could tell you something nice every now and then. He could then think a bit harder sometimes and come up with the right words to give a compliment. At the same time, you need to start accepting these non verbal deeds as compliments. If he brings you flowers, or takes you out to eat somewhere that you mentioned you liked, or buys you some type of functional gift related to something you like (e.g. if you like tea and he buys you a tea infuser), you need to start acknowledging those things as the compliments you like to receive. After all, a neurotypical could compliment you far more, without ever showing you anything through any actions. I think that the actions are and should be considered more meaningful. You need to really reflect on these deeds and understand how important they are. If you need him to compliment you as often as a neurotypical would, this won't work. But if you understand that the deeds really are more meaningful, and change your thinking about them, you can both become closer.
 
I think the main thing with us giving compliments is that we don't really know how to word things. As others in this thread have said, it doesn't sound genuine when put into words. I think that if he is showing love through deeds, then you both need to change a little. Let him know that it would mean a lot if he could tell you something nice every now and then. He could then think a bit harder sometimes and come up with the right words to give a compliment. At the same time, you need to start accepting these non verbal deeds as compliments. If he brings you flowers, or takes you out to eat somewhere that you mentioned you liked, or buys you some type of functional gift related to something you like (e.g. if you like tea and he buys you a tea infuser), you need to start acknowledging those things as the compliments you like to receive. After all, a neurotypical could compliment you far more, without ever showing you anything through any actions. I think that the actions are and should be considered more meaningful. You need to really reflect on these deeds and understand how important they are. If you need him to compliment you as often as a neurotypical would, this won't work. But if you understand that the deeds really are more meaningful, and change your thinking about them, you can both become closer.


Oh yes I do! I can recognize how he expresses his caring through "acts of service" and do not need him to compliment me. I think I fully understand how important his actions are, more so because he has a wall up and lets me in. That's not really my issue. I'm upset that if I compliment someone, like on this forum, that I will be perceived as insincere and manipulative when I am being as sincere as I know how to be. I only compliment when I believe it to be true and feel the feedback would be helpful to the person I'm complimenting. But maybe feedback is only helpful to NTs and not aspies? I view sincere feedback as a way to correct distortions in one's self image. If someone has no need of feedback for this then that's fine. But sometimes I just like to express appreciation of someone's abilities, behaviors or whatever. I feel like I'm digging myself into a hole of justification here so will stop. (I want to steal @ Fridge tactic and say "You're all awful so just go home." ) (see Fridge, I'm learning your bad habits XD)
 
Last edited:

New Threads

Top Bottom