Need advice. Help please :)

[Lilybell]

That wouldn't be too cool in my book either if I determined his actions reflecting someone just "hedging their bets" between the possibility of one of two prospects. Of course that sort of dynamic doesn't really have a neurological "spin" to it either.

I don't think this is the case. I don't feel it is anyway.

 

[Judge]

I don't think this is the case. I don't feel it is anyway.

At this point based on your more recent posts, I can only honestly say it doesn't sound good.

An inability to properly or effectively communicate feelings can be par for the course with us. But evasion and dishonesty remain things which transcend neurological considerations altogether.

 

[Lilybell]

At this point based on your more recent posts, I can only honestly say it doesn't sound good.

An inability to properly or effectively communicate feelings can be par for the course with us. But evasion and dishonesty remain things which transcend neurological considerations altogether. Let's just say it doesn't sound good.

This happened six weeks into our relationship. It was very early on and as far as I'm aware there hasn't been anything since. She definitely has not been again. She lives far away and he never goes near his phone when I'm with him. Which is a lot.

When this happened I told him to get lost. He was very sorry and promised that nothing had happened which I do believe as he was out in the evening and calling me. He called me a lot. I think it was his way of reassuring me even though I was unaware.

He said that she was bringing her daughter up to see her dad and because she has little money he said she could stay.

He fought very hard to get me back and was very sorry he's hurt me but he hadn't meant to.

 

[Lilybell]

This happened six weeks into our relationship. It was very early on and as far as I'm aware there hasn't been anything since. She definitely has not been again. She lives far away and he never goes near his phone when I'm with him. Which is a lot.

When this happened I told him to get lost. He was very sorry and promised that nothing had happened which I do believe as he was out in the evening and calling me. He called me a lot. I think it was his way of reassuring me even though I was unaware.

He said that she was bringing her daughter up to see her dad and because she has little money he said she could stay.

He fought very hard to get me back and was very sorry he's hurt me but he hadn't meant to.

When you say it doesn't sound good. In what respect?

You think he's cheating?

 

[Judge]

When you say it doesn't sound good. In what respect?

You think he's cheating?

Unknown. But the more you post the more complex it all seems. Beyond just the scope of his neurological considerations.

 

[Lilybell]

Unknown. But the more you post the more complex it all seems. Beyond just the scope of his neurological considerations.

Unknown. But the more you post the more complex it all seems. Beyond just the scope of his neurological considerations.

Complex because he told me one lie? I'm sure all people can lie if backed into a corner. Spectrum or not. I work with students with special needs and we have one autistic boy who lies continuously and he can be quite cruel to other students. In fact he's quite horrible sometimes and very unlike any of the other autistic students we have. Most are very childlike and innocent.

I have no reason to think he has lied to me on any other occasion. I'm very much like a detective at times, so I don't miss a thing ;-)

 

[Judge]

Complex because he told me one lie? I'm sure all people can lie if backed into a corner. Spectrum or not. I work with students with special needs and we have one autistic boy who lies continuously and he can be quite cruel to other students. In fact he's quite horrible sometimes and very unlike any of the other autistic students we have. Most are very childlike and innocent.

I have no reason to think he has lied to me on any other occasion. I'm very much like a detective at times, so I don't miss a thing ;-)

But again, you have to ask yourself if you can handle all this on a regular basis. To be a partner- not a detective.

That's still central to all of this, if you truly believe his behavior reflects only his autism.

 

[Lilybell]

But again, you have to ask yourself if you can handle all this on a regular basis. To be a partner- not a detective.

That's still central to all of this, if you truly believe his behavior reflects only his autism.

I think time will tell. And I do understand that underneath his autism lies a personality. No two people are the same.

I came here as I suspected he was aspergers and you have all confirmed my suspicions. This has helped me greatly to understand a lot of things. The rest can and does happen in relationships all the time unfortunately.

Only time will tell if I can be happy in this relationship. Although, after hearing all your advice, I do feel I understand him more. I was very confused by his behaviour before as I just didn't get it. At least I do a little now.

And yes I know playing detective is not good. I am working on this as I often end up finding things that aren't necessarily there. It's not a nice way to be. I too have issues and things I'd like to change. It's not easy to change things that you have done your whole life and seem so normal

 

[Judge]

I think time will tell. And I do understand that underneath his autism lies a personality. No two people are the same.

I came here as I suspected he was aspergers and you have all confirmed my suspicions. This has helped me greatly to understand a lot of things. The rest can and does happen in relationships all the time unfortunately.

Only time will tell if I can be happy in this relationship. Although, after hearing all your advice, I do feel I understand him more. I was very confused by his behaviour before as I just didn't get it. At least I do a little now.

And yes I know playing detective is not good. I am working on this as I often end up finding things that aren't necessarily there. It's not a nice way to be. I too have issues and things I'd like to change. It's not easy to change things that you have done your whole life and seem so normal

Just understanding the dynamics of neurodiversity is putting a lot on your plate. Then there's the matter of successfully navigating it all to maintain a successful relationship.

It's a lot to ask of anyone.

But I suspect there's one element to it all that remains unresolved and is critical. His ability and choice to become self-aware. It's by no means any kind of cure, but it's a critical starting point that may signal a long journey with the possibility of self-improvement. Not by leaps and bounds...but perhaps a lot of small steps. And a lot of patience on both your parts.

 

[Lilybell]

Just understanding the dynamics of neurodiversity is putting a lot on your plate. Then there's the matter of successfully navigating it all to maintain a successful relationship.

It's a lot to ask of anyone.

But I suspect there's one element to it all that remains unresolved and is critical. His ability and choice to become self-aware. It's by no means any kind of cure, but it's a critical starting point that may signal a long journey with the possibility of self-improvement. Not by leaps and bounds...but perhaps a lot of small steps. And a lot of patience on both your parts.

I think a little of what I said went in and I think he may think about it.

I do wonder if anyone else has ever said anything to him over the years. He's a twin, it would be interesting to see what he is like too. He lives in Switzerland though.

We had a small chat last night about why he pulls out his eyebrows. I hadn't realised but he also pulls out his eyelashes. Only on one side though. He said he's been known to have no eyebrow at all.

His friend spoke to me on the phone once and said to me 'look after him and treat him well he's a good guy' I thought it a little strange he was protecting him at the ripe old age of 48.

 

[Judge]

His friend spoke to me on the phone once and said to me 'look after him and treat him well he's a good guy' I thought it a little strange he was protecting him at the ripe old age of 48.

Age might mitigate one's autism to some extent, but it won't make it go away with time. Even at my age, in navigating a Neurotypical world it would still be nice on occasion to have someone I could truly trust as my "wingman".

 

[Lilybell]

Age might mitigate one's autism to some extent, but it won't make it go away with time. Even at my age, in navigating a Neurotypical world it would still be nice on occasion to have someone I could truly trust as my "wingman".

What I mean is, at 48, it's unusual for a male friend to feel the need to protect and I wonder if he suspects he's wired differently.

On another subject, my nephew (13) has been diagnosed. He is displaying some very odd behaviour at the minute. He has tried to take his own life, but more recently has said he's hearing voices telling him to hurt other people. My sister is so worried. The professionals keep telling her it's quite common in children with aspergers to feel like this.

At the minute he's obsessed with murder and talks about it to no end. He talks about it all the time, sometimes he sounds quite disturbed. Still apparently it's nothing to worry about abs it's due to the high anxiety he is experiencing.

Any thoughts?

 

[Ylva]

Still apparently it's nothing to worry about abs it's due to the high anxiety he is experiencing.

Also, that's a contradiction in terms.

 

[Judge]

What I mean is, at 48, it's unusual for a male friend to feel the need to protect and I wonder if he suspects he's wired differently.

Statistically it's unusual to have an autistic friend period. After all, we constitute only 1 in every 68 people according to the CDC. Stands to reason he probably suspects something about him.

On another subject, my nephew (13) has been diagnosed. He is displaying some very odd behaviour at the minute. He has tried to take his own life, but more recently has said he's hearing voices telling him to hurt other people. My sister is so worried. The professionals keep telling her it's quite common in children with aspergers to feel like this.

At the minute he's obsessed with murder and talks about it to no end. He talks about it all the time, sometimes he sounds quite disturbed. Still apparently it's nothing to worry about abs it's due to the high anxiety he is experiencing.

I have to wonder what kind of "professionals" you're talking about. Sounds like they must not be too concerned about malpractice considerations. After Sandy Hook you'd think they'd be more attuned to such things.

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/autism/autism-and-schizophrenia

 

[Cosmophylla]

On another subject, my nephew (13) has been diagnosed. He is displaying some very odd behaviour at the minute. He has tried to take his own life, but more recently has said he's hearing voices telling him to hurt other people. My sister is so worried. The professionals keep telling her it's quite common in children with aspergers to feel like this.

At the minute he's obsessed with murder and talks about it to no end. He talks about it all the time, sometimes he sounds quite disturbed. Still apparently it's nothing to worry about abs it's due to the high anxiety he is experiencing.

Any thoughts?

If hearing voices telling one to hurt others were a common childhood experience for Aspies, it would be mentioned frequently in discussions about childhood here on AC. However, I haven't noticed it in the time I've been on here. That sounds like schizophrenia to me, which can be present alongside ASD.

Psychosis can be experienced more commonly in autistics but I don't think it's clinically considered an autistic trait.

I would suggest to your sister she pursue this further with those "professionals", or even better with some different ones. I think it's unusual for a child to experience this kind of behaviour. It must be awful for him, and I understand how worried your sister must feel.

Definitely read the article that Judge linked to. Especially the part about implications for psychiatric practice.

 

[midlife aspie]

I do believe he is a good person. Have you thought of the possibility that he simply doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings? It may be that his nature dictates that he be accommodating to you and this other woman and he is afraid of disappointing either of you. Unfortunately, the road to Hell is truly often paved with good intentions. He probably dislikes conflict, and is torn between making you happy and the dictates of his conscience. Perhaps you should ask him if he is willing to introduce you to this woman?

 

[Lilybell]

Statistically it's unusual to have an autistic friend period. After all, we constitute only 1 in every 68 people according to the CDC. Stands to reason he probably suspects something about him.



I have to wonder what kind of "professionals" you're talking about. Sounds like they must not be too concerned about malpractice considerations. After Sandy Hook you'd think they'd be more attuned to such things.

http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/autism/autism-and-schizophrenia

Thank you for the link, I shall read it now.

The professionals are the child and adolescent mental health team. He's also been in the hospital. They still insist it's common in people they see. They are useless.

I've forwarded the article to my sister. Thank you so much.

It's an interesting read, especially the part about professionals needed more training. I can relate some of it to my nephew.

 

[Lilybell]

If hearing voices telling one to hurt others were a common childhood experience for Aspies, it would be mentioned frequently in discussions about childhood here on AC. However, I haven't noticed it in the time I've been on here. That sounds like schizophrenia to me, which can be present alongside ASD.

Psychosis can be experienced more commonly in autistics but I don't think it's clinically considered an autistic trait.

I would suggest to your sister she pursue this further with those "professionals", or even better with some different ones. I think it's unusual for a child to experience this kind of behaviour. It must be awful for him, and I understand how worried your sister must feel.

Definitely read the article that Judge linked to. Especially the part about implications for psychiatric practice.

Again thank you.

I think it would be good for my sister to join here and chat to other people.

I agree it's more that his autism. I keep saying this, but they insist it's not psychosis and its himself repeating things in his head.

His behaviour is very disturbing at times, however, moments later he's fine again.

Thank you

 

[Lilybell]

I do believe he is a good person. Have you thought of the possibility that he simply doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings? It may be that his nature dictates that he be accommodating to you and this other woman and he is afraid of disappointing either of you. Unfortunately, the road to Hell is truly often paved with good intentions. He probably dislikes conflict, and is torn between making you happy and the dictates of his conscience. Perhaps you should ask him if he is willing to introduce you to this woman?

Yes I have thought exactly that. I'm not even sure if she still contacts him or not. I've never asked.

Yes you're right about avoiding conflict. He shuts down if we argue in the slightest and he's very very uncomfortable if I'm upset. He just stands and looks at me and i can tell he's not sure what to do.

I do believe he's told me the truth as he told me things I wouldn't have found out which made the situation look worse than it actually was. For me I wouldn't have shared that information and only said what I needed to. I felt like he was trying to tell me every truth even though it made it sound worse. I think the lie he did tell was in a panic as I put him on the spot.

Anyway I do believe you're probably right in what you're saying. However I have a tendency to overanalyse and send myself mad.

 

[Ylva]

I keep saying this, but they insist it's not psychosis and its himself repeating things in his head.

Because real psychotics have real people talking in their heads?