Need advice. Help please :)

[Lilybell]

If you want him to understand how to care, you will probably have to literally trust that you can actually tell him word for word since you feel he is on spectrum, seem to trust him overall, and my impression of him based on what you told me is that he is almost definitely on the spectrum. You might even have to explain why too to begin to help him to understand. It will feel like you have to use too much energy, but if you want to make this work, you have to consider being able to live in this manner for the rest of your life. Are you ready for this?

Because he tends to like certain routines and shows less expression, he is also more likely to be more predictable and trustworthy once you get to understand and accept his notions and quirks. It can be a worthwhile life experience, but you might have to sacrifice a way of emotional living that you're used to. Probably only you can determine if it's worth pursuing further or not.


Just because he does have feelings doesn't mean that he feels the same way. He may internalize them to such an extreme that he doesn't want to share them because he might react poorly if he attempted to do so. Plus, there is a tendency for routine and not wanting to focus on too many factors. What might come natural for you could be an additional stress for some of us on here.

If you don't think the relationship is good for you, I wouldn't shove the relationship in the back door like many people do. It is worth considering a non-romantic friendship if it doesn't work out and if he feels the same way about that.

If you want him to understand how to care, you will probably have to literally trust that you can actually tell him word for word since you feel he is on spectrum, seem to trust him overall, and my impression of him based on what you told me is that he is almost definitely on the spectrum. You might even have to explain why too to begin to help him to understand. It will feel like you have to use too much energy, but if you want to make this work, you have to consider being able to live in this manner for the rest of your life. Are you ready for this?

Because he tends to like certain routines and shows less expression, he is also more likely to be more predictable and trustworthy once you get to understand and accept his notions and quirks. It can be a worthwhile life experience, but you might have to sacrifice a way of emotional living that you're used to. Probably only you can determine if it's worth pursuing further or not.


Just because he does have feelings doesn't mean that he feels the same way. He may internalize them to such an extreme that he doesn't want to share them because he might react poorly if he attempted to do so. Plus, there is a tendency for routine and not wanting to focus on too many factors. What might come natural for you could be an additional stress for some of us on here.

If you don't think the relationship is good for you, I wouldn't shove the relationship in the back door like many people do. It is worth considering a non-romantic friendship if it doesn't work out and if he feels the same way about that.

How do I begin to explain what it is? What can I say that sums it up in a few words without him feeling like he's an alien. Is there a positive way to explain?

A few other things I've noticed:-

In the gym he will pull his top up and stick out his stomach as far as possible. I see people looking, but he is oblivious to it. I laugh and he says things like 'I'm not here to look pretty' very childlike behaviour for a 48 year old.

He buys the same make of clothes. All his t-shirts are one make, his trousers all another, his underwear is all the same company and his work shirts are all from the same place. He said he likes the way they fit.

I noticed yesterday a huge pile of mail unopened.

He likes to wash the dishes a certain way and if I do it I can see he's uncomfortable. He's told me to leave it for him to do. I find this hard as I want to help.

Last night he was talking about some work they have to do soon (he's in IT) he said we will have to work five days solid. I realised he meant 24 hours over five days. When I suggested that would be difficult, he'd need to rest. He said he could do it. His main priority is money. He earns a lot of money but doesn't appear to be very good with money.

 

[Lilybell]

What did you answer?

I found it hard to explain actually. I said 'saying please and thank you is being polite, opening doors for people and generally being courteous.

 

[Judge]

How do I begin to explain what it is? What can I say that sums it up in a few words without him feeling like he's an alien. Is there a positive way to explain?

A few other things I've noticed:-

He buys the same make of clothes. All his t-shirts are one make, his trousers all another, his underwear is all the same company and his work shirts are all from the same place. He said he likes the way they fit.

He likes to wash the dishes a certain way and if I do it I can see he's uncomfortable. He's told me to leave it for him to do. I find this hard as I want to help.

I have those particular traits myself. I've always tended to stick to one or two brands. Makes purchasing so much easier with little consideration to fit, quality, etc.. Efficiency matters to me more than style.

In living alone for long, I've developed intense methodologies over some of the most benign of things...including doing the dishes. I hate to admit it, but sharing such things could be difficult.

One thing in the last year I've tried to come to grips with is just how extraordinarily discriminating I am over things that most people (presumably NTs) don't really much about. What things in particular? I dunno....everything I suppose!

Of course I suspect such traits are more indicative of OCD considerations than autism.

As for aliens, I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Never felt like part of humanity. No "kumbaya" for me.

But leaving stacks of unopened mail? Not in a million years!

 

[Lilybell]

I have those particular traits myself. I've always tended to stick to one or two brands. Makes purchasing so much easier with little consideration to fit, quality, etc.. Efficiency matters to me more than style.

In living alone for long, I've developed intense methodologies over some of the most benign of things...including doing the dishes. I hate to admit it, but sharing such things could be difficult.

One thing in the last year I've tried to come to grips with is just how extraordinarily discriminating I am over things that most people (presumably NTs) don't really much about. What things in particular? I dunno....everything I suppose!

Of course I suspect such traits are more indicative of OCD considerations than autism.

As for aliens, I've always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Never felt like part of humanity. No "kumbaya" for me.

But leaving stacks of unopened mail? Not in a million years!

Oh dear, so my carrying on doing the dishes despite him saying I'll do it, is probably annoying him to no end. I just find it selfish if I'm at the flat before he is to just leave them. It just feels so wrong. He re-does them anyway haha.

I have noticed he seems slightly frustrated when we are discussing something and I have a slightly different take on it. He usually says 'you're not listening are you?' Well yes I am, I just don't get what you're saying and you don't get what I'm saying.

Re the clothes - yes he chooses comfort over style.

He did say once, 'I'm weird aren't I' so I figured he thought he was different, but lately it seems it's he who thinks I'm the odd one out.

He's very quiet with me today and yesterday. Not his usual self. We did have words yesterday and when I think about it I took my jacket that has been at his flat for a couple of weeks. I did wonder if he thought that by taking it 'I'd removed my things from the flat' which he has taken as a sign I'm leaving.

 

[Judge]

I have noticed he seems slightly frustrated when we are discussing something and I have a slightly different take on it. He usually says 'you're not listening are you?' Well yes I am, I just don't get what you're saying and you don't get what I'm saying.

Being argumentative isn't one of our nicer traits.

I consider myself "a work in progress" in that department.

 

[Ylva]

I have noticed he seems slightly frustrated when we are discussing something and I have a slightly different take on it. He usually says 'you're not listening are you?' Well yes I am, I just don't get what you're saying and you don't get what I'm saying.

Communication styles: Sometimes people try to rephrase what I said, presumably in an attempt to make sure they understand me. Sometimes it works, but mostly I meant what I said, so the phrasing was as good as it was ever going to be already. A few people are much more straight-forward, so when I say something they either agree or disagree, no maybe about it.

Not saying it necessarily is that way with you, there are many communication styles, but at least that's one perspective you may or may not already have.

He did say once, 'I'm weird aren't I' so I figured he thought he was different, but lately it seems it's he who thinks I'm the odd one out.

If I am different from you then you are different from me. Perspectives matter.

He's very quiet with me today and yesterday. Not his usual self. We did have words yesterday and when I think about it I took my jacket that has been at his flat for a couple of weeks. I did wonder if he thought that by taking it 'I'd removed my things from the flat' which he has taken as a sign I'm leaving.

This is exactly why we are straight-forward. Actions with semantic content? There would be too much ambiguity.

 

[midlife aspie]

I am inclined to believe that this man loves you very much. So much in fact that he is looking find assurance from you that you love him in kind, and he is testing you to find the limits of that love. Threatening to stay in the Caribbean is an example. Likely he was trying to gauge the depth of your commitment. I have done similar things. To my Aspie mind, simply making reassurances on a sunny day does not constitute piece of mind. It was her responses under adverse circumstances (even if I created them) that put my mind at ease. I know this sounds absurd to NT types, but it makes perfect sense to an AS mind that has been misunderstood and abandoned.

 

[Cosmophylla]

I have my ways of doing things and I get irritated when people don't do them the right way, too. The dishes is one; they should be prepped, washed and set out to dry in a particular order and with a particular level of thoroughness. Hanging out the washing/laundry is another; the washing should be removed from the machine and stacked in the basket in a particular order from largest to smallest to facilitate more efficient hanging out on the line (as you remove things from the basket and hang them you can plan how everything will fit on the line like a puzzle for quickest drying). I get irritated by my husband not doing it the way I like, so we have learnt to accept each other's way and not interfere. That has meant a large degree of "letting go" of standards on my part, for the sake of reducing my stress levels.

If your partner is rewashing the dishes, it would be best if you left them to him. But tell him so. And perhaps you could find a different chore to do. One that he doesn't enjoy doing could be a good one. That way you feel like you're contributing but you're not pressing buttons. (Although learning to let go and accommodate others' way of doing things is important for everyone.)

I, too, wear the same kinds of clothes almost all the time. Not necessarily the same brands, because most of my clothes are second hand.

I also stockpile things. I'm learning to let go of things, too.

I agree with Ylva that perspectives matter. From his point of view you've suddenly changed.

And I agree with midlife aspie: it does seem that he really loves you. And he is afraid of losing you. Sometimes that means creating crises (even subconsciously) to "test" your commitment. I did this over and over in my relationships for years, but with my second husband I've finally learnt to trust.

 

[Lilybell]

Being argumentative isn't one of our nicer traits.

I consider myself "a work in progress" in that department.

Ah ok. is not really thought about him being argumentative. He's just always right ha.

 

[Lilybell]

Communication styles: Sometimes people try to rephrase what I said, presumably in an attempt to make sure they understand me. Sometimes it works, but mostly I meant what I said, so the phrasing was as good as it was ever going to be already. A few people are much more straight-forward, so when I say something they either agree or disagree, no maybe about it.

Not saying it necessarily is that way with you, there are many communication styles, but at least that's one perspective you may or may not already have.



If I am different from you then you are different from me. Perspectives matter.



This is exactly why we are straight-forward. Actions with semantic content? There would be too much ambiguity.

I didn't think about the jacket. I just decided to wear it that day. Although he probably associated it not being there with the times he's become defensive and I've said I need to get my things. The main thing was the jacket.

 

[Lilybell]

I am inclined to believe that this man loves you very much. So much in fact that he is looking find assurance from you that you love him in kind, and he is testing you to find the limits of that love. Threatening to stay in the Caribbean is an example. Likely he was trying to gauge the depth of your commitment. I have done similar things. To my Aspie mind, simply making reassurances on a sunny day does not constitute piece of mind. It was her responses under adverse circumstances (even if I created them) that put my mind at ease. I know this sounds absurd to NT types, but it makes perfect sense to an AS mind that has been misunderstood and abandoned.

That's really nice to hear you think that. It's probably as close as I'll get to hearing it. Although I do remember after we split up after he'd let that woman stay, he called me and said 'I'm not going to say I love you, but I like you an awful lot' then a little bit late he said 'I do love you...' I can't remember what followed I was quite angry at the time, but my response was 'no you don't' he'd just said he wasn't going to say it, so it made no sense to then say that. Hence thinking he didn't mean it. He's never talked about his feelings since.

He did once say he had some news and did I want the good news or bad news first. The bad news was he'd got a job in America. It was obvious he was doing that for a reaction as he eventually said he hasn't really, but the Caribbean comment seemed serious and when I became annoyed he just said 'relax' perhaps you're right and that is exactly what he was doing. In reality he couldn't just not come back, he has commitments here.

I do try to send him sweet messages but he seems to brush them off so it dissuades me from doing it. I never really know if he likes them or not. Actually when I can put aside my worries and insecurities and be warm and affectionate with him he is warmer and more affectionate back. Maybe he does like me showing my feelings after all.

I am very paranoid and insecure about the woman who stayed. I don't understand why he chats with her if he doesn't want a relationship with her, especially when she has made it clear she wants to marry him. I find that odd. It's giving her false hope isn't it? And why not tell her about me? Does he like the attention? Want to avoid any confrontation/arguments? Want to be with her?

So much going through my mind

 

[Lilybell]

I have my ways of doing things and I get irritated when people don't do them the right way, too. The dishes is one; they should be prepped, washed and set out to dry in a particular order and with a particular level of thoroughness. Hanging out the washing/laundry is another; the washing should be removed from the machine and stacked in the basket in a particular order from largest to smallest to facilitate more efficient hanging out on the line (as you remove things from the basket and hang them you can plan how everything will fit on the line like a puzzle for quickest drying). I get irritated by my husband not doing it the way I like, so we have learnt to accept each other's way and not interfere. That has meant a large degree of "letting go" of standards on my part, for the sake of reducing my stress levels.

If your partner is rewashing the dishes, it would be best if you left them to him. But tell him so. And perhaps you could find a different chore to do. One that he doesn't enjoy doing could be a good one. That way you feel like you're contributing but you're not pressing buttons. (Although learning to let go and accommodate others' way of doing things is important for everyone.)

I, too, wear the same kinds of clothes almost all the time. Not necessarily the same brands, because most of my clothes are second hand.

I also stockpile things. I'm learning to let go of things, too.

I agree with Ylva that perspectives matter. From his point of view you've suddenly changed.

And I agree with midlife aspie: it does seem that he really loves you. And he is afraid of losing you. Sometimes that means creating crises (even subconsciously) to "test" your commitment. I did this over and over in my relationships for years, but with my second husband I've finally learnt to trust.

I left the dishes last night. He seemed pleased. Thank you for helping with that one

I think you're both right about him testing me, especially as I have changed towards him. I have probably being less affectionate recently and that's probably confusing for him. I wish he'd just communicate with me re feelings etc.

 

[Judge]

That's really nice to hear you think that. It's probably as close as I'll get to hearing it.

There. You said it. The real question then becomes, how comfortable will you be in the long term if you are right ?

 

[Lilybell]

There. You said it. The real question then becomes, how comfortable will you be in the long term if you are right ?

Do you mean if I'm right about not hearing it?

 

[Judge]

Do you mean if I'm right about not hearing it?

It's not a question of being right or wrong. It's whether or not you're ok with this if he has great difficulty in communicating such things in words. You have to decide in your own heart where you stand on such a thing. If you know such a thing will always nag at you in some way, you already have your answer. Then again if it's something you think you can become accustomed to... you might want to stick with it. And then there's always a remote possibility that in time, perhaps he might change, if he has the neurological will and ability to do as such.

But it's not a crime if you feel you aren't up to such a thing. I can't pretend to understand the Neurotypical mindset to a great extent, but I can relate to not accepting conditions which you find intolerable, for whatever reason.

 

[Ylva]

Aspies really are unique, we're not just saying that. So we can't know him just by sharing his neurotype. The thing is, though, it sounds like he is keeping that womanin reserve. Maybe he won't take the chance that he'll be alone if you leave him. His compulsive lying sounds like something he needs to stop, at least.

 

[Lilybell]

It's not a question of being right or wrong. It's whether or not you're ok with this if he has great difficulty in communicating such things in words. You have to decide in your own heart where you stand on such a thing. If you know such a thing will always nag at you in some way, you already have your answer. Then again if it's something you think you can become accustomed to... you might want to stick with it. And then there's always a remote possibility that in time, perhaps he might change, if he has the neurological will and ability to do as such.

But it's not a crime if you feel you aren't up to such a thing. I can't pretend to understand the Neurotypical mindset to a great extent, but I can relate to not accepting conditions which you find intolerable, for whatever reason.

I think there are other ways he can tell/show me. I think over time as I learn to understand him more and feel more secure in the relationship I will be ok.

I think at the minute I am looking for reasons he doesn't rather than reasons he does, because of feeling insecure.

Last night we had a lovely evening. We went to the gym (where he managed to embarrass me to no end) he cooked dinner and we snuggled up on the sofa and watched tv. I made sure I was happy and loving and gentle in our conversations. He seemed relaxed and we had a really nice night.

He is going to London for the weekend to see his children. This always makes me anxious as I have a fear of him cheating. Probably in part to do with letting someone stay and hiding it to how detached he is sometimes. I have read it's unlikely in people on the spectrum and I imagine trying to keep two relationships would be incredibly stressful for him, but I still worry.

 

[Judge]

Aspies really are unique, we're not just saying that. So we can't know him just by sharing his neurotype. The thing is, though, it sounds like he is keeping that womanin reserve. Maybe he won't take the chance that he'll be alone if you leave him. His compulsive lying sounds like something he needs to stop, at least.

That wouldn't be too cool in my book either if I determined his actions reflecting someone just "hedging their bets" between the possibility of one of two prospects. Of course that sort of dynamic doesn't really have a neurological "spin" to it either.

 

[Lilybell]

Aspies really are unique, we're not just saying that. So we can't know him just by sharing his neurotype. The thing is, though, it sounds like he is keeping that womanin reserve. Maybe he won't take the chance that he'll be alone if you leave him. His compulsive lying sounds like something he needs to stop, at least.

I asked if he had feelings for her and he said he cared about her, she's a good woman but does not want to be with her. He said she's always calling him and they talk. He said he didn't tell her about me because his personal life is none of her business and she would ask questions. She lives several hours away and he said he was around her when he worked where she lives. He said part of the reason he moved up here was to create distance between her, but then contradicted that by letting her stay.

 

[Lilybell]

I asked if he had feelings for her and he said he cared about her, she's a good woman but does not want to be with her. He said she's always calling him and they talk. He said he didn't tell her about me because his personal life is none of her business and she would ask questions. She lives several hours away and he said he was around her when he worked where she lives. He said part of the reason he moved up here was to create distance between her, but then contradicted that by letting her stay.

I'm not sure he's a compulsive liar. He originally said she hadn't stayed when I angrily questioned him after finding a note. Under stably. It was until after I found the other notes which confirmed her and her daughter stayed. Notes he told me about even after throwing them in the bin. So he didn't need to share that with me. But I looked and found them.

As far as I know that is the only time he has told me a lie. I think he panicked and tried to make it sound less than it was to avoid me leaving. I left anyway.