Need advice. Help please :)

[hazybabe]

It sounds like a real emotional Roller Coaster. Your more patient than I am, I would have dumped him ages ago. Yvla said about you having other interests too. Maybe something to look after like a pet? That way there's no reason for you to put it on hold and worry about him. I don't think I explained that very well. I love dogs and they give unconditional love back. I thought like if you had a puppy and he was being mean, instead of sitting in his flat feeling rejected you could play with the puppy or go for a walk or just cuddle on the sofa and watch a film. I have so many dogs now I have no time to worry about the mean things people do. I have two 6 week old beagle pups and if I sit down for 2 minutes one of them is trying to chew a cable and the other is peeing on the rug.

 

[Odd Duck 1357]

[ I was getting into his bones, his blood, but quickly followed it with a message saying please don't reply just understand.

He's not mentioned feelings since. It's very confusing.

How do you show you love/care for someone?[/QUOTE]

 

[Odd Duck 1357]

Two helpful ways to thing about this relationship: Sci-fi or being transplanted into the past. It's like being in love with an extraterrestrial, whose ways and thinking are very different from what you're used to; the best way to deal with it is understanding and acceptance. Or imagine that you're in a foreign culture or our own cultural past where expressing feelings was not the primary basis for a successful courtship/marriage. A man may very well have loved his wife based on how much she meant to him and how much she enriched his life, but didn't typically tell her his innermost feelings; relationships evolved around things other than sharing emotions. What I'm trying to say, being the "alien" in my marriage, is that a change of perspective might help

 

[Lilybell]

It sounds like a real emotional Roller Coaster. Your more patient than I am, I would have dumped him ages ago. Yvla said about you having other interests too. Maybe something to look after like a pet? That way there's no reason for you to put it on hold and worry about him. I don't think I explained that very well. I love dogs and they give unconditional love back. I thought like if you had a puppy and he was being mean, instead of sitting in his flat feeling rejected you could play with the puppy or go for a walk or just cuddle on the sofa and watch a film. I have so many dogs now I have no time to worry about the mean things people do. I have two 6 week old beagle pups and if I sit down for 2 minutes one of them is trying to chew a cable and the other is peeing on the rug.

It is like a roller coaster. When he came in last night, I was sat watching a film and I was quiet. He just stood and looked at me as I he was trying to work out my face. He could obviously tell something was different. He then began doing silly things and being very attentive. After a while he asked 'has someone upset you, are you ok?' I just said 'no.' He carried on being attentive and then said 'have I upset you?' He really had no clue that it was he who had upset me.

He brought up aspergers this morning. He said he thinks I have it. I explained I didn't and working with students with autism etc I can recognise traits on people and that's why I'd brought it up with him as I see them in him. He asked again what traits. He replied 'I'm not weird.' I explained he wasn't abs it didn't mean that but that his brain works differently to mine. He then went on to say that I'm a conformist and that's why I think he's different. At least he's thinking about it.

On another note he said he feels like I'm trying to control him, when I ask what time he'll be back or how long he needs to work for. I tried to explain that I like to know so I know what I'm doing and have some idea of when he could be back etc. He didn't get that. I agreed not to ask him if it upset him. Perhaps i do come across a little controlling, possibly because I'm so confused al the time with what he's thinking/feeling etc.

I feel like he's maybe been taken advantage of in the past and feel like he thinks no one is going to get one over on me or control me, so he assumes that's what's happening and his coldness and protecting himself is to prevent that happening. I could be wrong though.

I don't think he realises he comes across mean. Actually he's not really mean, he's just very cold and guarded sometimes for whatever reason. He has no idea he upsets me with it. He seems genuinely clueless.

 

[Lilybell]

Two helpful ways to thing about this relationship: Sci-fi or being transplanted into the past. It's like being in love with an extraterrestrial, whose ways and thinking are very different from what you're used to; the best way to deal with it is understanding and acceptance. Or imagine that you're in a foreign culture or our own cultural past where expressing feelings was not the primary basis for a successful courtship/marriage. A man may very well have loved his wife based on how much she meant to him and how much she enriched his life, but didn't typically tell her his innermost feelings; relationships evolved around things other than sharing emotions. What I'm trying to say, being the "alien" in my marriage, is that a change of perspective might help

Hey, thank you.

Yes I do feel like he's an alien sometimes. Doesn't help that he doesn't think so though. Most of the time I can tell he cares a lot, but sometimes when he acts cold or like I'm his last priority I'm confused, because in my mind that is a clear sign of being taken for granted/not cared for.

 

[Odd Duck 1357]

Hey, thank you.

Yes I do feel like he's an alien sometimes. Doesn't help that he doesn't think so though. Most of the time I can tell he cares a lot, but sometimes when he acts cold or like I'm his last priority I'm confused, because in my mind that is a clear sign of being taken for granted/not cared for.

Yes, we can feel very cold and detached. It's part of the syndrome. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or takes your for granted, we just get overwhelmed by feelings and need to take a break from them. Then we get comfortable in that emotion-neutral zone and forget that it means a lot to NTs to explicitly express our caring and attachment. Just tell him that you need for him to express the fact that he cares for you, that you need to hear it. My otherwise practical and "unromantic" NT husband has to remind me once in a while.

 

[Lilybell]

Yes, we can feel very cold and detached. It's part of the syndrome. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or takes your for granted, we just get overwhelmed by feelings and need to take a break from them. Then we get comfortable in that emotion-neutral zone and forget that it means a lot to NTs to explicitly express our caring and attachment. Just tell him that you need for him to express the fact that he cares for you, that you need to hear it. My otherwise practical and "unromantic" NT husband has to remind me once in a while.

He's very affectionate when we are together. And I can tell he gets a little anxious if I'm quiet or he thinks I'm upset. He becomes more attentive. All this tells me he cares a lot. However, when he's going about his business. Working, with his kids, going away etc it's like I fade into the background. For example, he's flying out of the country on Tuesday for 7 nights and he will be travelling down to London this weekend. He usually goes Friday evening if he's going down to see his children. I'd like him to stay part of the weekend to spend some time together and he has agreed but he seemed more concerned with having things to do down there before he goes. I feel as though for him it's not as important to spend as much time together as we can before he goes away as it will be about ten days before he's back. Also he insisted on paying for me to go away with my friend. I eventually agreed on a week but he said 'don't you want to go for two?' I was a little hurt he seemed not to mind being away from me for two weeks. Perhaps I'm a little sensitive :-/

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

How the hell does an aspie guy (which I too am) end up getting someone genuinely attractive like you (that's something I could never do) ????

One night we were watching tv and he just got up and went to bed. He didn't say anything. I carried on watching tv and around twenty minutes later he said aren't you coming to bed?

This sounds kinda funny and I can imagine it being a typically aspie thing (though not something I'd do myself). Jeeze, this threads already got 7 pages worth, way too much for me to read.

 

[midlife aspie]

He might also be reacting negatively if you ask him something and it interrupts something he is thinking about. A question requires an immediate answer, and I for one do not like to be interrupted, and tend to react a bit rudely. I am working on this. Your man might be a deep thinker like me, and unless it is obvious he is 'in thought' about something, there is no way for you to know. I'm especially bad when driving or riding in cars. My mind wanders and I can't count how many times this has frustrated my wife! It goes some thing like:
Wife: "Wah, Wah wah, wah," (Charlie Brown adults) and then I hear something like: "What did I just say?" I would reply "blah blah blah" and she would yell "That's not what I said! You don't listen to me!" My life is interesting sometimes.

 

[Judge]

Also he insisted on paying for me to go away with my friend. I eventually agreed on a week but he said 'don't you want to go for two?' I was a little hurt he seemed not to mind being away from me for two weeks. Perhaps I'm a little sensitive :-/

My Aspie perspective. When it comes to being together with someone special, the duration of time it entails is not important compared to the quality of time shared together. And you can never emotionally or mentally stray too far from our need for solitude. Otherwise it will just tear you up inside. Being together with someone for 24/7? That can and did make me go bonkers at times. "For better or worse, richer or poorer" can't transcend this.

It's a dynamic that most Neurotypicals are likely to be sensitive to. But for many of us, it's simply who and what we are.

 

[Cali Cat]

He's very affectionate when we are together. And I can tell he gets a little anxious if I'm quiet or he thinks I'm upset. He becomes more attentive. All this tells me he cares a lot. However, when he's going about his business. Working, with his kids, going away etc it's like I fade into the background. For example, he's flying out of the country on Tuesday for 7 nights and he will be travelling down to London this weekend. He usually goes Friday evening if he's going down to see his children. I'd like him to stay part of the weekend to spend some time together and he has agreed but he seemed more concerned with having things to do down there before he goes. I feel as though for him it's not as important to spend as much time together as we can before he goes away as it will be about ten days before he's back. Also he insisted on paying for me to go away with my friend. I eventually agreed on a week but he said 'don't you want to go for two?' I was a little hurt he seemed not to mind being away from me for two weeks. Perhaps I'm a little sensitive :-/

I can only speak for myself, but I get very distracted when I have important things to do. I tend to segregate parts of my life; he may do the same. "I'm dealing with this part of my life right now. I will pick up with you later," is my gut reaction when someone wants more of my time at a time when my mind is on something else. I know a good number of Aspies that don't multitask well, and I am definitely one of them. I have a one-track mind. When I am with someone special, I am all in; however, when it comes to other responsibilities, it can be as if that special person does not exist. And, yes ... that has caused more than one or two hurt feelings and arguments over time. Probably why the only relationship that ever worked for me was with another Aspie of similar mind.

Best of luck!

 

[Lilybell]

He might also be reacting negatively if you ask him something and it interrupts something he is thinking about. A question requires an immediate answer, and I for one do not like to be interrupted, and tend to react a bit rudely. I am working on this. Your man might be a deep thinker like me, and unless it is obvious he is 'in thought' about something, there is no way for you to know. I'm especially bad when driving or riding in cars. My mind wanders and I can't count how many times this has frustrated my wife! It goes some thing like:
Wife: "Wah, Wah wah, wah," (Charlie Brown adults) and then I hear something like: "What did I just say?" I would reply "blah blah blah" and she would yell "That's not what I said! You don't listen to me!" My life is interesting sometimes.

Thank you, that makes sense. I will try be more conscious of asking questions unless they are essential

 

[Lilybell]

My Aspie perspective. When it comes to being together with someone special, the duration of time it entails is not important compared to the quality of time shared together. And you can never emotionally or mentally stray too far from our need for solitude. Otherwise it will just tear you up inside. Being together with someone for 24/7? That can and did make me go bonkers at times. "For better or worse, richer or poorer" can't transcend this.

It's a dynamic that most Neurotypicals are likely to be sensitive to. But for many of us, it's simply who and what we are.

Thank you Judge. I understand what you're saying and I did wonder if that's how he sees things. We are together and that's that so seeing each other is going to happen so being apart for certain lengths of time doesn't matter as we'll always see one another again. Unfortunately I don't think like that :-(

I really need to keep in mind 'alone time' I keep forgetting this.

 

[Lilybell]

I can only speak for myself, but I get very distracted when I have important things to do. I tend to segregate parts of my life; he may do the same. "I'm dealing with this part of my life right now. I will pick up with you later," is my gut reaction when someone wants more of my time at a time when my mind is on something else. I know a good number of Aspies that don't multitask well, and I am definitely one of them. I have a one-track mind. When I am with someone special, I am all in; however, when it comes to other responsibilities, it can be as if that special person does not exist. And, yes ... that has caused more than one or two hurt feelings and arguments over time. Probably why the only relationship that ever worked for me was with another Aspie of similar mind.

Best of luck!

Hi Cali Cat,

Thank you. I can see this actually. When he's with me his phone goes down and he doesn't go near it. I guess it's 'me' time, but when he's away he's busy concentrating on those things, although most of the time he's in touch quite a lot anyway. Just the odd occasion which always throws me, as it's not his usual way.

 

[Judge]

When he's with me his phone goes down and he doesn't go near it. I guess it's 'me' time, but when he's away he's busy concentrating on those things, although most of the time he's in touch quite a lot anyway. Just the odd occasion which always throws me, as it's not his usual way.

From my perspective, this reflects two things. That you matter. That you are a priority. But also something else. It's quite likely he is unable to effectively multitask when it comes to communication. Because you matter, he's not going to jeopardize it by allowing incoming phone calls in real time. It's a critical dynamic of autism to understand. That when it comes to verbal communications in real time...beyond dealing with one or perhaps more persons our ability to comprehend and interact with them begins to degrade.

For instance, it's why I seldom access the chat function in this forum. I'm almost always multitasking...observing complex things for work, apart from participating here. But with forum threads I can post and respond at my own leisure and pace...and keep up with other complex things that do not involve real-time communication. But to engage in chat which I do now and then, I pretty much have to forego all the other multitasking. Otherwise my thoughts go to "hell in a handbasket" quite fast.

Basically that for us on the spectrum, we're more likely to compartmentalize and isolate any communications in real time. Otherwise we can run into problems and fast.

 

[Lilybell]

From my perspective, this reflects two things. That you matter. That you are a priority. But also something else. It's quite likely he is unable to effectively multitask when it comes to communication. Because you matter, he's not going to jeopardize it by allowing incoming phone calls in real time. It's a critical dynamic of autism to understand. That when it comes to verbal communications in real time...beyond dealing with one or perhaps more persons our ability to comprehend and interact with them begins to degrade.

For instance, it's why I seldom access the chat function in this forum. I'm almost always multitasking...observing complex things for work, apart from participating here. But with forum threads I can post and respond at my own leisure and pace...and keep up with other complex things that do not involve real-time communication. But to engage in chat which I do now and then, I pretty much have to forego all the other multitasking. Otherwise my thoughts go to "hell in a handbasket" quite fast.

Basically that for us on the spectrum, we're more likely to compartmentalize and isolate any communications in real time. Otherwise we can run into problems and fast.

Well it looks like we have split up.

After we had words yesterday morning, we both went to work. I messaged him in the afternoon to thank him for something. He didn't reply and he didn't call me when he finished work like usual. We spoke this morning and he said he needed time out. We were supposed to be doing something tonight before he travels to London ready for his flight on Tuesday. I called him to see if I'd left my make up and I sensed something was wrong. I asked if he wanted me to still go tonight and he said no let's leave it. I said why and he said it's not working. I just said of come and get my things from his place. I got to the flat and we ended up arguing and o ended up in tears. I went to get my things and got everything. My toothbrush, the lot. He then said 'it doesn't need to be like this' CONFUSING. He then hugged me and said 'why don't we just have some time out' hugged me again so tight I could barely breathe. He then said I'd brought this on myself to which I list my temper. We ended up arguing again and I grabbed my things and left. An hour later he called me asked if I was ok and he didn't like seeing me upset. We talked for around 50 minutes he was taking to me like nothing had happened. In the end he had to go to work so just said bye.

I have no idea what just happened. He is so confusing.

One minute it's not working then when I get all my things it doesn't need to be this way and he's hugging me then he's calling me. Weird!! What just happened???

I'm so drained :-(

 

[midlife aspie]

He's trying to understand and cope with his own feelings. He knows that staying with you constitutes a MAJOR decision that will impact every aspect of his life and that prospect may be scary to him. I DID THE SAME THING with the woman who has been my wife for 12 years now, before we were married (and well before I knew of my Asperger's) I'm very sorry for this behavior, but trust me, once he does TOTALLY accept you, he will be very dedicated. Please remember that you are not trying to love a mainstream person who is in in touch with himself. Loving him will NOT be easy, but try to remember that his actions toward you may well be a reflection of his attitude toward himself. I've no doubt that he cares about you as much or more than any other man could.

 

[Lilybell]

He's trying to understand and cope with his own feelings. He knows that staying with you constitutes a MAJOR decision that will impact every aspect of his life and that prospect may be scary to him. I DID THE SAME THING with the woman who has been my wife for 12 years now, before we were married (and well before I knew of my Asperger's) I'm very sorry for this behavior, but trust me, once he does TOTALLY accept you, he will be very dedicated. Please remember that you are not trying to love a mainstream person who is in in touch with himself. Loving him will NOT be easy, but try to remember that his actions toward you may well be a reflection of his attitude toward himself. I've no doubt that he cares about you as much or more than any other man could.

I don't understand. Is he wanting to be single for his holiday? Why say it's not working and he doesn't wAnt to see me before he goes away and then when I get my things he says it doesn't need to be like this and should we have time out? It makes no sense.

I sent him a message to say have a good holiday and I hope everything works out for him etc. His reply: it does not need to be like this. Anyway I hope you find the respect you're looking for. All my love.

What the hell does he want from me?

I'm losing the will to live :-/

 

[midlife aspie]

It might be better for you at this point to save yourself. I think he simply misunderstands you. Ask him bluntly: "Do you want to break up with me?" Be direct! If he is wishy-washy, ask "Do you want to be friends?" Give him multiple choice questions with black and white answers. Important: be verbally direct! I know that a 'normal' man would probably take offense to this, but an Aspie will likely require this approach.

 

[Judge]

I can understand the routine for solitude. Most of us probably can. But this erratic...it just reflects how differently we can all be across the spectrum of autism. Sometimes it does seem like a "love/hate" relationship with people in general. Difficult to explain to others, let alone ourselves.

What does he want from you? He wants you very much. But exclusively on his terms. And I'm guessing he may not even be able to view it in such a way. That most amicable relationships don't work that way. That there must be some degree of give and take for both persons in any relationship.

In all honesty I can't imagine dealing with someone like this without their own self-awareness being part of the equation. So they have a possibility of understanding themselves, as well as those in their immediate orbit. Without it, there is only intense frustration for both of you.

I've been through sort of this experience a number of times without self-awareness. So I couldn't honestly see the mistakes I made with Neurotypicals. Not to this degree I think...but I certainly get the gist of your experience. With this thread I've felt like I've had to relive those experiences. Very sad for me and those who cared at one time for me.