Need advice. Help please :)

[Lilybell]

Because real psychotics have real people talking in their heads?

I think what they mean is that he is confusing himself repeating thoughts with thinking he's hearing something else.

i have no idea. It's not good whatever it is though :-/

 

[paloftoon]

How do I begin to explain what it is? What can I say that sums it up in a few words without him feeling like he's an alien. Is there a positive way to explain?

A few other things I've noticed:-

In the gym he will pull his top up and stick out his stomach as far as possible. I see people looking, but he is oblivious to it. I laugh and he says things like 'I'm not here to look pretty' very childlike behaviour for a 48 year old.

He buys the same make of clothes. All his t-shirts are one make, his trousers all another, his underwear is all the same company and his work shirts are all from the same place. He said he likes the way they fit.

I noticed yesterday a huge pile of mail unopened.

He likes to wash the dishes a certain way and if I do it I can see he's uncomfortable. He's told me to leave it for him to do. I find this hard as I want to help.

Last night he was talking about some work they have to do soon (he's in IT) he said we will have to work five days solid. I realised he meant 24 hours over five days. When I suggested that would be difficult, he'd need to rest. He said he could do it. His main priority is money. He earns a lot of money but doesn't appear to be very good with money.

I think the best way to explain is to be truthful 1-1. Be realistic, but look for positive ways to overcome those things. Especially in a romantic relationship, you want to show him that he can trust you as you want to trust that he would let you know about his concerns for you honestly. Don't try to to hide, water down, fake, or baby him because you think he is a child. He will notice. Only redirect or explain as necessary.

It's not a 1 day process at all. It's time consuming and uses up a lot of your energy. These are typical aspie traits you describe. If he doesn't want to change his style of clothes, as long as he is not smelly and cleans his clothes, and as long as those clothes of that particular brand and model exist, just let him be. Only he can change that himself. If it doesn't attract you for him to be more individual in this regard, then you may want to reconsider a romantic relationship.

For the dishes, let him wash the dishes as long as he's keeping up. While he is saving you time on this task, you can spend more time on another task.

Try to work on only one big issue at a time as much as possible.

24 hours per day so 120 hours, or 24 hours sum total for 5 days?

It sounds like you should open the mail since he is not able to keep up with it. If he can't trust you to do that while he washes all the dishes, then there are some trust issues that need to be discussed.

Money is important to discuss how to handle. There has to be some kind of agreement on the arrangement. Money is most likely to be your "make or break" in the relationship. Better to iron this out now rather than after you have gotten married if you aren't already. In fact, you should start with money as the first thing you talk about with him when he is more rested up.

Added 4/25/16: You may want to save this for another day, but trying to talk about what kind of sex and positions you like and don't like in a 1-1 setting is very proper and setting up for a proper relationship, and what might work and not work and when.

Now that you realize these nuances, please realize that you may have to work with this or other similar things like this that keep coming up. Don't expect too many changes from him, because that is the way he is wired. Only he can break out of that shell himself when he feels comfortable and chooses to open himself up more. The most important question for you is can you live like this the rest of your life if you make the good assumption that you may always have to live with these kind of struggles you discuss now?

 

[paloftoon]

I think a little of what I said went in and I think he may think about it.

. . .

We had a small chat last night about why he pulls out his eyebrows. I hadn't realised but he also pulls out his eyelashes. Only on one side though. He said he's been known to have no eyebrow at all.

His friend spoke to me on the phone once and said to me 'look after him and treat him well he's a good guy' I thought it a little strange he was protecting him at the ripe old age of 48.

The pulling out the eyebrow thing is probably from stress and frustration with life. I used to start a habit like this with my hair, and lucky for me, it was stopped early on. I suspect the same type of situation for this habit. sometimes life gets so stressful and if people don't understand you and you have no one you can really talk to, sometimes you just naturally resort to something else strange. Maybe something that doesn't hurt, but something to channel your energy into that helps relieve the emotional stresses of life even if temporary. Life is not easy to live, that is for sure.

This friend says to "look after a 48 year old" because this person may know some nuances about the 48 year old that could hurt his survivability. I think he is referring to your boyfriend. Sorry, not able to read the context. Too much information for me right now, lol.

I hope all this helps you out.

 

[Lilybell]

The pulling out the eyebrow thing is probably from stress and frustration with life. I used to start a habit like this with my hair, and lucky for me, it was stopped early on. I suspect the same type of situation for this habit. sometimes life gets so stressful and if people don't understand you and you have no one you can really talk to, sometimes you just naturally resort to something else strange. Maybe something that doesn't hurt, but something to channel your energy into that helps relieve the emotional stresses of life even if temporary. Life is not easy to live, that is for sure.

This friend says to "look after a 48 year old" because this person may know some nuances about the 48 year old that could hurt his survivability. I think he is referring to your boyfriend. Sorry, not able to read the context. Too much information for me right now, lol.

I hope all this helps you out.

Hey paloftoon,

He said it was stress which caused him to pull the hair out, but strangely in another conversation said he doesn't feel stress. I suspect he doesn't recognise the feeling as stress. Well that's my understanding anyway. I asked if it was kind of like a comfort and he said yes.

Re the 'looking after the 48 year old.' The friend wanted to say hello to me on the telephone one day. We chatted and he said to me 'look after him, he's a good guy. Don't hurt him.' Usually men of that age would not say that to a girlfriend. And what I meant was: he was very protective, making me think he is aware of my boyfriends difficulties. He may not know what it is, but I felt he was looking after him.

 

[Lilybell]

I think the best way to explain is to be truthful 1-1. Be realistic, but look for positive ways to overcome those things. Especially in a romantic relationship, you want to show him that he can trust you as you want to trust that he would let you know about his concerns for you honestly. Don't try to to hide, water down, fake, or baby him because you think he is a child. He will notice. Only redirect or explain as necessary.

It's not a 1 day process at all. It's time consuming and uses up a lot of your energy. These are typical aspie traits you describe. If he doesn't want to change his style of clothes, as long as he is not smelly and cleans his clothes, and as long as those clothes of that particular brand and model exist, just let him be. Only he can change that himself. If it doesn't attract you for him to be more individual in this regard, then you may want to reconsider a romantic relationship.

For the dishes, let him wash the dishes as long as he's keeping up. While he is saving you time on this task, you can spend more time on another task.

Try to work on only one big issue at a time as much as possible.

24 hours per day so 120 hours, or 24 hours sum total for 5 days?

It sounds like you should open the mail since he is not able to keep up with it. If he can't trust you to do that while he washes all the dishes, then there are some trust issues that need to be discussed.

Money is important to discuss how to handle. There has to be some kind of agreement on the arrangement. Money is most likely to be your "make or break" in the relationship. Better to iron this out now rather than after you have gotten married if you aren't already. In fact, you should start with money as the first thing you talk about with him when he is more rested up.

Added 4/25/16: You may want to save this for another day, but trying to talk about what kind of sex and positions you like and don't like in a 1-1 setting is very proper and setting up for a proper relationship, and what might work and not work and when.

Now that you realize these nuances, please realize that you may have to work with this or other similar things like this that keep coming up. Don't expect too many changes from him, because that is the way he is wired. Only he can break out of that shell himself when he feels comfortable and chooses to open himself up more. The most important question for you is can you live like this the rest of your life if you make the good assumption that you may always have to live with these kind of struggles you discuss now?

I don't think I want to change him. He's lovely the way he is.

I've stopped doing the dishes and leave them to him. I've realised its not selfish as its they way he wants it

The mail - I think that's too personal just yet. Maybe in time I will suggest helping. It's in a bag and I only saw it by accident so perhaps he's hiding it.

I love the way he dresses and if buying the same thing makes him happy then I'm happy.

He earns quite a lot of money but he isn't great with it. He always manages to spend it. I'm trying to encourage him to save and he seems to think it's a good idea.

Sex - I wasn't expecting that. But now you've brought it up. I've noticed it's like a routine. The same every time. He follows the same pattern. I'm not complaining though, that's just an observation. It's quite sweet really.

I have come to the conclusion, if I am loving and affectionate and I don't get angry he is the same back. I'm getting better at understanding his distance sometimes isn't personal.

As I'm writing this today, I wouldn't change a thing

 

[Lilybell]

I don't think I want to change him. He's lovely the way he is.

I've stopped doing the dishes and leave them to him. I've realised its not selfish as its they way he wants it

The mail - I think that's too personal just yet. Maybe in time I will suggest helping. It's in a bag and I only saw it by accident so perhaps he's hiding it.

I love the way he dresses and if buying the same thing makes him happy then I'm happy.

He earns quite a lot of money but he isn't great with it. He always manages to spend it. I'm trying to encourage him to save and he seems to think it's a good idea.

Sex - I wasn't expecting that. But now you've brought it up. I've noticed it's like a routine. The same every time. He follows the same pattern. I'm not complaining though, that's just an observation. It's quite sweet really.

I have come to the conclusion, if I am loving and affectionate and I don't get angry he is the same back. I'm getting better at understanding his distance sometimes isn't personal.

As I'm writing this today, I wouldn't change a thing

Yes Judge, I'm being optimistic. It's better to be positive than negative, but when I think i could be dating someone who is selfish, inconsiderate, lazy and undomesticated, instead I have a sweet man who is affectionate, cooks, cleans, irons, works hard, considerate, takes me to the gym, encourages me and makes me laugh, then those little quirks he has aren't that bad really. Yes I will have to get used to the fact he might seem to forget about me sometimes (he probably doesn't) then I think I'm pretty lucky really.

 

[Judge]

Yes Judge, I'm being optimistic. It's better to be positive than negative, but when I think i could be dating someone who is selfish, inconsiderate, lazy and undomesticated, instead I have a sweet man who is affectionate, cooks, cleans, irons, works hard, considerate, takes me to the gym, encourages me and makes me laugh, then those little quirks he has aren't that bad really. Yes I will have to get used to the fact he might seem to forget about me sometimes (he probably doesn't) then I think I'm pretty lucky really.

Seems to me the right attitude and foundation to have for making such a relationship work. The realization that at times you may have to give more than 50-50. Unconditional love...being the best of all worlds.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Yes Judge, I'm being optimistic. It's better to be positive than negative, but when I think i could be dating someone who is selfish, inconsiderate, lazy and undomesticated, instead I have a sweet man who is affectionate, cooks, cleans, irons, works hard, considerate, takes me to the gym, encourages me and makes me laugh, then those little quirks he has aren't that bad really. Yes I will have to get used to the fact he might seem to forget about me sometimes (he probably doesn't) then I think I'm pretty lucky really.

I'm really glad you're feeling better about things.

 

[Lilybell]

Seems to me the right attitude and foundation to have for making such a relationship work. The realization that at times you may have to give more than 50-50. Unconditional love...being the best of all worlds.

I'm really glad you're feeling better about things.

Yes me too

Can I just ask though. Is it common to fine being asked questions annoying? He seems to find it frustrating when I ask why he's doing something. For example, last night he went back to work after the gym to finish off some work. He called me loads which was very nice, however when he returned at 12.30am he decided to cook something to eat. He spent ages cooking then said 'should I just have some crackers' I said 'why aren't you eating the chicken?' A perfectly normal question I thought, considering he'd spent all that time cooking it. He seemed annoyed I was wven asking. I've noticed this a lot.

Secondly, he's working late again tonight and when I went to drop the flat key off I asked if he would like me to pick him some food up to save him having to cook late. His reaction was confusing. I thought it was a considerate thing to do, he seemed puzzled as to why I would even suggest such a thing and pulled his usual disgusted/confused look. This is usually the reaction I get when I offer to help.

Something he said a couple of nights ago which made me smile: 'I need to buy more tops' me: 'you have loads with tags still on unworn' him: 'I know, but I can't wear them because they won't be new anymore if I do.' ;-)

 

[Judge]

Can I just ask though. Is it common to fine being asked questions annoying? He seems to find it frustrating when I ask why he's doing something. For example, last night he went back to work after the gym to finish off some work. He called me loads which was very nice, however when he returned at 12.30am he decided to cook something to eat. He spent ages cooking then said 'should I just have some crackers' I said 'why aren't you eating the chicken?' A perfectly normal question I thought, considering he'd spent all that time cooking it. He seemed annoyed I was even asking. I've noticed this a lot.

I can only guess at this, but this is what I read into such an exchange.

At the end of the day we may or may not be mentally and emotionally exhausted from the outside world let alone from physical considerations. Again, what may seem benign to you may be daunting for us. At that point we can be at our most vulnerable and far less than cordial in any interaction with another human being. Sounded like he was so tired he didn't even want to cook. And under the circumstances had you asked him what time it was he might have reacted in the same manner. It isn't kind or considerate. I get that. But if "our batteries are low enough"....we just aren't very good company no matter how kind or considerate you may be.

Secondly, he's working late again tonight and when I went to drop the flat key off I asked if he would like me to pick him some food up to save him having to cook late. His reaction was confusing. I thought it was a considerate thing to do, he seemed puzzled as to why I would even suggest such a thing and pulled his usual disgusted/confused look. This is usually the reaction I get when I offer to help.

Many of us lead very routine, yet orderly lives. It's what we thrive on. Where spontaneity of any kind is either rationed or completely absent. Although it's plain for me to see that you were just being considerate, in his mind you may have disrupted something he planned. From your perspective this might appear as well...."much about nothing". But to him....oh my. I can't speak for all of us, but many of us are so set in our ways and absolutely DO NOT want to deviate from them...even though they may appear or be relatively meaningless to anyone else. For as considerate as you actually are, in our minds in some instances we may be silently thinking that you just committed some kind of felony! As crazy as it may sound...it's how some of us may think at one time or another.

The trick here for an NT significant other is to be able to learn what their partner's routines really are (benign or otherwise) and learn not to interfere with them in as much as is possible. Especially if it's the end of the day as I first mentioned. When we may not appreciate human contact for much of any reason at all if we're really exhausted.

Something he said a couple of nights ago which made me smile: 'I need to buy more tops' me: 'you have loads with tags still on unworn' him: 'I know, but I can't wear them because they won't be new anymore if I do.' ;-)

Hmmmm. We autistic folk sometimes have quite a penchant for collecting things. Maybe his is brand-new clothing. Could be as simple- and perhaps as bizarre as that. Then again, this may reflect something else- obsessive compulsive disorder. Hard to say. One thing for sure, if it's OCD going on, don't expect it to make any real sense to you- or even him. But OCD is common in being comorbid to Autism Spectrum Disorder.

 

[Lilybell]

I can only guess at this, but this is what I read into such an exchange.

At the end of the day we may or may not be mentally and emotionally exhausted from the outside world let alone from physical considerations. Again, what may seem benign to you may be daunting for us. At that point we can be at our most vulnerable and far less than cordial in any interaction with another human being. Sounded like he was so tired he didn't even want to cook. And under the circumstances had you asked him what time it was he might have reacted in the same manner. It isn't kind or considerate. I get that. But if "our batteries are low enough"....we just aren't very good company no matter how kind or considerate you may be.



Many of us lead very routine, yet orderly lives. It's what we thrive on. Where spontaneity of any kind is either rationed or completely absent. Although it's plain for me to see that you were just being considerate, in his mind you may have disrupted something he planned. From your perspective this might appear as well...."much about nothing". But to him....oh my. I can't speak for all of us, but many of us are so set in our ways and absolutely DO NOT want to deviate from them...even though they may appear or be relatively meaningless to anyone else. For as considerate as you actually are, in our minds in some instances we may be silently thinking that you just committed some kind of felony! As crazy as it may sound...it's how some of us may think at one time or another.

The trick here for an NT significant other is to be able to learn what their partner's routines really are (benign or otherwise) and learn not to interfere with them in as much as is possible. Especially if it's the end of the day as I first mentioned. When we may not appreciate human contact for much of any reason at all if we're really exhausted.



Hmmmm. We autistic folk sometimes have quite a penchant for collecting things. Maybe his is brand-new clothing. Could be as simple- and perhaps as bizarre as that. Then again, this may reflect something else- obsessive compulsive disorder. Hard to say. One thing for sure, if it's OCD going on, don't expect it to make any real sense to you- or even him. But OCD is common in being comorbid to Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Thank you Judge.

My perspective was he's not used to people being nice or doing nice things for him. Well at least that's how I interpreted his reaction. But, I see what you mean. His routine is getting up, going to work, coming home and cooking dinner. So I can see how my offering to bring some food would interfere with that. I think.

I did offer to cook his food last night and he was supposed to call when he left so I could start, but he was slightly later and just appeared so I didn't get chance. He seemed in quite a good mood. When I asked why he wasn't eating. He said why do you always ask questions?

I think he may have ocd, he buys things in excess. 14 toothbrushes, currently 5 tubs of butter in the fridge and around 50 pots of body shop body butter. He has a lot of clothes with tags on.

He still insists he doesn't get stressed but just tells me he does. I can't work this one out at all

 

[Judge]

Thank you Judge.

My perspective was he's not used to people being nice or doing nice things for him. Well at least that's how I interpreted his reaction. But, I see what you mean. His routine is getting up, going to work, coming home and cooking dinner. So I can see how my offering to bring some food would interfere with that. I think.

I did offer to cook his food last night and he was supposed to call when he left so I could start, but he was slightly later and just appeared so I didn't get chance. He seemed in quite a good mood. When I asked why he wasn't eating. He said why do you always ask questions?

I think he may have ocd, he buys things in excess. 14 toothbrushes, currently 5 tubs of butter in the fridge and around 50 pots of body shop body butter. He has a lot of clothes with tags on.

He still insists he doesn't get stressed but just tells me he does. I can't work this one out at all

One other thing. If you dig deep enough into our forum, you'll find some threads that reflect that we don't often process gratitude as do Neurotypicals. Something that often gets us autistic folk into trouble. Some of us simply don't like or aren't used to being indebted to others. No matter how benign or insignificant it may appear.

In my own case, for a lack of wanting to type many words about such things, let's just say "it's complicated".

But yes, I think for many of us we spend so much time alone that being close quarters with much of anyone is something difficult for us to deal with. It did make relationships a real challenge for me at times.

Food for thought. I often quote my own saying- "I prefer people in small doses." It not only means fewer people at one time, but perhaps less said by one person as well. Check out how so many of us don't do well with small talk. Something NTs take for granted.

 

[Lilybell]

One other thing. If you dig deep enough into our forum, you'll find some threads that reflect that we don't often process gratitude as do Neurotypicals. Something that often gets us autistic folk into trouble. Some of us simply don't like or aren't used to being indebted to others. No matter how benign or insignificant it may appear.

In my own case, for a lack of wanting to type many words about such things, let's just say "it's complicated".

But yes, I think for many of us we spend so much time alone that being close quarters with much of anyone is something difficult for us to deal with. It did make relationships a real challenge for me at times.

Yes I've noticed he doesn't take compliments well. I pretty much get that confused/disgusted look. I know he likes them though as he will talk about them at a later time.

Thank you isn't something which comes out of his mouth very often actually.

Something else I've noticed is he can pick fault with me a lot to the point I think why are you with me then. Example. In the pool having a swim and he starts splashing and threatening to dunk me. I said no (as I'd have to wash my hair and didn't have my hairdryer) he said I was too straight and no fun. I just said 'well best find someone else then' and started to swim off. He then grabbed my legs to pull me back. I ask too many questions, I'm no fun, I complain in the gym...I rarely hear a compliment. I can tell he's crazy about me but he moans about me a lot!

Small talk - I've already picked up on that one.

 

[Judge]

Yes I've noticed he doesn't take compliments well.

Neither do I.

Thank you isn't something which comes out of his mouth very often actually.

That's something I constantly work at...although I was raised to be mannerly in a basic sense. It's like looking into someone's eyes. A conscious effort...if that makes any sense to you.

Something else I've noticed is he can pick fault with me a lot to the point I think why are you with me then. Example. In the pool having a swim and he starts splashing and threatening to dunk me. I said no (as I'd have to wash my hair and didn't have my hairdryer) he said I was too straight and no fun. I just said 'well best find someone else then' and started to swim off. He then grabbed my legs to pull me back. I ask too many questions, I'm no fun, I complain in the gym...I rarely hear a compliment. I can tell he's crazy about me but he moans about me a lot!

"Aspie blindness" ? We can be self-centered...and not always have a sense of timing or proportion in interacting with others. Not sure what else I can say about that. It's a trait I likely may project, but to what degree I don't know. I do know that we can at times be confused for being narcissistic as well.

 

[Lilybell]

Neither do I.

Why is that?


That's something I constantly work at...although I was raised to be mannerly in a basic sense. It's like looking into someone's eyes. A conscious effort...if that makes any sense to you.

Actually, he does say thank you. Sometimes he does it later as though he thought about it after or just forgot then remembered.


"Aspie blindness" ? We can be self-centered...and not always have a sense of timing or proportion in interacting with others. Not sure what else I can say about that. It's a trait I likely may project, but to what degree I don't know. I don know that we can at times be confused for being narcissistic as well.

Hmmmm it's a hard one as it can definitely come across like my personality is not liked or good enough.

 

[Ylva]

it's a hard one as it can definitely come across like my personality is not liked or good enough.

He might think something and forget not to say it, so to speak; but then he might also have been discouraged from expressing positive feelings in his childhood. You can say something like "when you say x, it hurts my feelings", because it might not have occured to him, or it has but he saw no convincing evidence and dismissed the idea.

and not always have a sense of timing or proportion in interacting with others. Not sure what else I can say about that. It's a trait I likely may project, but to what degree I don't know. I don know that we can at times be confused for being narcissistic as well.

There are times I think the thing I have to say will be received badly, or not the way I want it to be received, but I cannot think of another way to say it.

 

[Lilybell]

He might think something and forget not to say it, so to speak; but then he might also have been discouraged from expressing positive feelings in his childhood. You can say something like "when you say x, it hurts my feelings", because it might not have occured to him, or it has but he saw no convincing evidence and dismissed the idea.



There are times I think the thing I have to say will be received badly, or not the way I want it to be received, but I cannot think of another way to say it.

He does say complimentary things, just not very often. They are often at random times when I wouldn't expect it. More so in the beginning.

I have in the past said when he's upset me, but he doesn't react well. I usually hear 'you are strange.' I shall try wording it how you suggested and see if that makes a difference. I tend to react out of being hurt so no time to think. I'll work on it.

Also he appears to need little sleep. He's a light sleeper and wakes up very early. I'm pretty sure he feels tired, but I don't think he notices.

 

[hazybabe]

Hiya Lilybell the past few days I've been keeping up with your thread. I don't know where to begin really. Trying to explain what aspergers is like to an NT isn't always easy. When nt's are born they have a social manual implanted in their head that we aspies don't. I can read some facial expressions now but that's because I've had to learn in a pragmatic way, position of the eye lids, corners of the mouth, creases and so on (my big sister gets a wrinkle between her eyebrow when she grumpy which is lucky because it's the only tell) . I still get listening, bored and sad faces confused.
The best way I can explain how I feel when I have upset an NT (I'm the only aspie in the family) is like I'm blindfolded and given a map and told to meet someone at the crossroad with the mountain beside it. I'm utterly confused, blind and completely unable to figure it all out. That's when the panic starts to set it, I shut down and the situation gets explosive, the NT wants a sincere apology but I have no idea what I've done, the more I'm pushed the more my mind races the don't understand and I can't get space to think, to replay the film in my head. Sometimes I can re run it and see something again that might have been the beginning of the NT taking offence. Took much emotion around me is really uncomfortable for me, I react poorly to people shouting at me too, it often makes me laugh, I think it's probably a nervous reaction but it's generally not appreciated by the person I've made mad. The same goes with people crying although I kind of blame that on my dad because he hated when we would cry at kids so he would do anything he could to make up laugh so sometimes its that, I associate tears with my dad's jokes and him running into doors and stuff to make me giggle.
As for your partner not being too happy about your suggestion he has aspergers it's a tough one. I was diagnosed last year at the age of 26. I always knew I was different just didn't know why, my mum and sister who are both social workers had both suspected I was an aspie for quite a few years so it wasn't a leap for me to believe that's what it was. Not long after my diagnosis we went to a conference about aspergers and autism, it was great to hear people speak of a mind set close to my own. Although I had already seen quite a few films and TV series with aspie characters. Maybe saying it outright I think you might have aspergers was too confrontational for him? Perhaps you could read some aspie biographical books about it and bring up interesting passages that he could relate too or films with aspie characters he might relate too. Those are the only suggestions I can come with really because in the end it's own down to his own personal insight.

 

[Lilybell]

Hiya Lilybell the past few days I've been keeping up with your thread. I don't know where to begin really. Trying to explain what aspergers is like to an NT isn't always easy. When nt's are born they have a social manual implanted in their head that we aspies don't. I can read some facial expressions now but that's because I've had to learn in a pragmatic way, position of the eye lids, corners of the mouth, creases and so on (my big sister gets a wrinkle between her eyebrow when she grumpy which is lucky because it's the only tell) . I still get listening, bored and sad faces confused.
The best way I can explain how I feel when I have upset an NT (I'm the only aspie in the family) is like I'm blindfolded and given a map and told to meet someone at the crossroad with the mountain beside it. I'm utterly confused, blind and completely unable to figure it all out. That's when the panic starts to set it, I shut down and the situation gets explosive, the NT wants a sincere apology but I have no idea what I've done, the more I'm pushed the more my mind races the don't understand and I can't get space to think, to replay the film in my head. Sometimes I can re run it and see something again that might have been the beginning of the NT taking offence. Took much emotion around me is really uncomfortable for me, I react poorly to people shouting at me too, it often makes me laugh, I think it's probably a nervous reaction but it's generally not appreciated by the person I've made mad. The same goes with people crying although I kind of blame that on my dad because he hated when we would cry at kids so he would do anything he could to make up laugh so sometimes its that, I associate tears with my dad's jokes and him running into doors and stuff to make me giggle.
As for your partner not being too happy about your suggestion he has aspergers it's a tough one. I was diagnosed last year at the age of 26. I always knew I was different just didn't know why, my mum and sister who are both social workers had both suspected I was an aspie for quite a few years so it wasn't a leap for me to believe that's what it was. Not long after my diagnosis we went to a conference about aspergers and autism, it was great to hear people speak of a mind set close to my own. Although I had already seen quite a few films and TV series with aspie characters. Maybe saying it outright I think you might have aspergers was too confrontational for him? Perhaps you could read some aspie biographical books about it and bring up interesting passages that he could relate too or films with aspie characters he might relate too. Those are the only suggestions I can come with really because in the end it's own down to his own personal insight.

Hi hazybabe,

Thank you for your response. Yes perhaps you're right and I was too direct. I've not brought it up again. I'm not sure I will. He's quite stubborn and set in his ways and probably thinks he's managed this long ok, so no need to worry. Maybe he's not on the spectrum, but I'm pretty sure he is.

We've fallen out tonight, so things aren't great. I was beginning to feel like a last priority again. He's working long hours at the minute as he's going away on Tuesday so needs to get certain things done. I feel like he works late the nights in coming over but then when I'm not he finishes earlier, so I asked if he'd rather I went home tonight. He asked why and I said I was feeling like this and he didn't seem impressed. Work comes first Sarah and walked off. I asked why he was being rude and he said he wasn't but he has things he needs to do and if I wanted to go home it was up to me. This just makes me feel completely irrelevant.

Also I asked if we could spend some time together before he goes away as we won't see each other. He seemed confused why I would suggest this. He agreed but I could tell it wasn't necessary for him. Again making me feel unimportant. Right now I'm sat at his flat while he's gone back to work and I wish I'd just gone home. I don't think he's even bothered if I'm here or not.

My positive outlook has been replaced with a negative one tonight. :-(

 

[Lilybell]

Okay, so it sounds like he's a passive-aggressive jerk in this passage. Alexithymia is often par for the course, maybe he needs time to process the information you gave him, and maybe he is trying not to get too attached because he thinks you'll leave him. None of that is any excuse for treating you this way. (It's not like it will hurt his work's feelings if he hangs out with you instead.)

Maybe a good strategy, if you stay in the relationship, would be to find something else to do. Not just to have something to do while he is working, and certainly not in retaliation, but to have something to care about that isn't him. I'm not quite sure how to explain it in allistic terms, but I guess what I'm recommending is to develop an equivalent to an "aspiesession" (aspergic obsession, although I still think "obsession" is a misnomer). It feels a lot like being in love.

Yes he can sound like a total jerk sometimes. Almost like he has a huge wall up and no one is going to hurt him. You may have a point about him worrying I will leave. I believe all his girlfriends have left him. He did say once he is cold sometimes as its his way of protecting himself.

Oh gosh you make me sound like I'm obsessed with him. We've been to the gym tonight and I hadn't realised he had to go back to work afterwards. I could have gone home but I was shattered from the gym and couldn't be bothered to drive the 15 miles home.

Re his work he has a certain amount he needs to get done before he leaves the country so he hasn't a choice as he's the only one who can do it. I get this.

I do not like being made to feel irrelevant though. Sometimes his coldness is quite hurtful.