Need advice. Help please :)

[Lilybell]

Make no mistake about it. At times we CAN be walking, talking contradictions. It's part of who and what we are.

I lost all my relationships over such dynamics. Would any of them have fought to save me? I'll never know. They didn't know I was on the spectrum any more than I did. Could I have overcome some of my traits and behaviors to sustain such a relationship? Maybe. I don't honestly know. But I think I would have tried had I understood my own issues at the time.

But it's still a two-way street for you and him. That's it's important to help him identify his own autistic traits when and where possible, and if he's able to improve in any way or form. And to accept what he cannot change. Self-awareness is as important for him as it is for you.

Your input of such issues continues to help people like myself in being able to see who and what I actually am...and perhaps improve on it if I can. Thank you.

It does sound very confusing for those on the spectrum.

For me the main issues are: allowing that woman to stay and lying about it. I don't think I'll ever understand, especially as he was aware it wouldn't look good. Him not contacting me for four days when usually he is always calling. That I find very weird and his uncomfortableness in showing feelings, although in bed he is completely different. He wraps himself around me, holds my hand and kisses my head. Very affectionate which I love and need. But at any other time he seems a little detached.

On the plus side, of all the men I know he is probably the kindest I've ever met. A deep wonderful kindness. If that makes sense?

You also sound like a lovely person and I think you understand yourself well or at least you come across that way.

For me, I need to feel loved and cared for. That's usually by knowing he's thinking about me if I'm not there, a little text with a heart of sweet emoji. He's very good at this actually. Although sometimes I get a longline of them and I do sometimes wonder if he knows what they mean. I get hearts then faces with steam coming out, fists clenched like they're punching me, another heart and an animal. I find this quite set though. The more I type these messages, the more I can see he tries to show me he cares, I just haven't being seeing it as I'm too focuses on the negatives.

The disappearing is a tough one. Maybe if you explained what was happening rather than just shut down it wouldn't be as hurtful and confusing. This is the biggest problem for me. It's just so hard to understand if you care for someone. Hope that helps a little.

 

[Judge]

The disappearing is a tough one. Maybe if you explained what was happening rather than just shut down it wouldn't be as hurtful and confusing. This is the biggest problem for me. It's just so hard to understand if you care for someone. Hope that helps a little.

In my own case I can only say quite candidly that anything that evokes a "fight or flight" response from me offers little in the way of time or concern for explaining myself in the event of a shutdown.

In essence, I simply bail....and eventually return to the ranks of the living when I'm up to it. That's all anyone in my orbit needs- or can know about me. That it's all I'm prepared to say. No more, no less. It will likely never make any sense to anyone around me. But all I can ask is that people be aware that it happens, rather than to try to rationalize why.

 

[Lilybell]

In my own case I can only say quite candidly that anything that evokes a "fight or flight" response from me offers little in the way of time or concern for explaining myself in the event of a shutdown.

In essence, I simply bail....and eventually return to the ranks of the living when I'm up to it. That's all anyone in my orbit needs- or can know about me. That it's all I'm prepared to say. No more, no less. It will likely never make any sense to anyone around me. But all I can ask is that people be aware that it happens, rather than to try to rationalize why.

I understand. Although in the situation with him recently. I know he called work and was obviously in contact with his friend to collect him from the airport, so why not me? That hurts. It feels like I was the last thing on his mind.

He did say he had a lot of pressure on him at the moment. But as usual he has to handle things. Not going to give me some sob story, Hes a big man, got to handle his lot. Didn't really understand this. Aren't we meant to share things?

 

[Lilybell]

I understand. Although in the situation with him recently. I know he called work and was obviously in contact with his friend to collect him from the airport, so why not me? That hurts. It feels like I was the last thing on his mind.

He did say he had a lot of pressure on him at the moment. But as usual he has to handle things. Not going to give me some sob story, Hes a big man, got to handle his lot. Didn't really understand this. Aren't we meant to share things?

And surely when you come out of it, wouldn't you reach out to your nearest and dearest first?

 

[Judge]

I understand. Although in the situation with him recently. I know he called work and was obviously in contact with his friend to collect him from the airport, so why not me? That hurts. It feels like I was the last thing on his mind.

He did say he had a lot of pressure on him at the moment. But as usual he has to handle things. Not going to give me some sob story, Hes a big man, got to handle his lot. Didn't really understand this. Aren't we meant to share things?

I can only perceive that you're the love interest in his life. Not the other woman. That makes you far more socially complex to him. (Translation: He'll likely make more mistakes with you than any other person.) As things progress with such a relationship, he's more likely to open up and be more confident and at ease with you.

Are you familiar with the British tv series "Doc Martin"? It's a comedy-drama revolving around a local doctor with Aspergers Syndrome. You should see how awkward his relationship is with the one person he cares the most for. Oh my....

I've never really "dated" anyone. Couldn't imagine the social pressure of that scenario. Nope...I make friends over a period of time that occasionally transitions into something else. If you two are dating then he's got himself way out there- much further than I would have ever ventured. But that the stress of doing so is still getting to him. Making courtship extremely awkward if not precarious.

Welcome to our world. Socially speaking, it ain't pretty!

 

[Lilybell]

I can only perceive that you're the love interest in his life. Not the other woman. That makes you far more socially complex to him. (Translation: He'll likely make more mistakes with you than any other person.) As things progress with such a relationship, he's more likely to open up and be more confident and at ease with you.

Are you familiar with the British tv series "Doc Martin"? It's a comedy-drama revolving around a local doctor with Aspergers Syndrome. You should see how awkward his relationship is with the one person he cares the most for. Oh my....

Yes I'm his girlfriend. Although, recently, it hasn't felt like it. Ive felt more like a replaceable piece of furniture.

He's gone from asking me to marry him numerous times to completely ignoring me. Although he claims he wasn't ignoring me.

I've not watched Doc Martin, but I do know what it is. I shall watch it.

 

[Judge]

I've not watched Doc Martin, but I do know what it is. I shall watch it.

Just keep in mind fictional character Dr. Martin Ellingham tends to make many of us Aspies appear as saints. LOL...

 

[Lilybell]

Yes I'm his girlfriend. Although, recently, it hasn't felt like it. Ive felt more like a replaceable piece of furniture.

He's gone from asking me to marry him numerous times to completely ignoring me. Although he claims he wasn't ignoring me.

I've not watched Doc Martin, but I do know what it is. I shall watch it.

I'm not sure if he finds dating stressful. I know he has been in three long term relationships. All left him. The last one because she said he didn't care. That was five years. The one before was 15 years. I do think they had an odd relationship though.

 

[Judge]

I'm not sure if he finds dating stressful. I know he has been in three long term relationships. All left him. The last one because she said he didn't care. That was five years. The one before was 15 years. I do think they had an odd relationship though.

I've had five relationships. Dating isn't stressful to me. It's just out of the question.

I did have one blind date though. One was enough.

 

[Lilybell]

I've had five relationships. Dating isn't stressful to me. It's just out of the question.

I did have one blind date though. One was enough.

Why is it out of the question?

I have another question. Why does he say he's emotionless when clearly he does have feelings? That is just bizarre.

 

[Lilybell]

Why is it out of the question?

I have another question. Why does he say he's emotionless when clearly he does have feelings? That is just bizarre.

And it can't be out of the question, if you've had five relationships

 

[Judge]

And it can't be out of the question, if you've had five relationships

Nope...I never "dated" any of them. Not in the conventional social sense. Mostly co-workers...women I was exposed to on a daily basis.

 

[Judge]

Why is it out of the question?

I have another question. Why does he say he's emotionless when clearly he does have feelings? That is just bizarre.

Like I said, walking, talking contradictions. But also we can be the victims of our own persecution. That we sometimes may seem like or even become that which we are criticized for in not measuring up to Neurotypical expectations. When one is insulted enough, you might begin to act accordingly.

Dating being out of the question because it simply promotes too much social stress. We can overload on social dynamics you don't even give thought to. For you it may be putting one foot forward. For some of us, it's Mount Everest.

 

[Lilybell]

Like I said, walking, talking contradictions. But also we can be the victims of our own persecution. That we sometimes may seem like or even become that which we are criticized for in not measuring up to Neurotypical expectations. When one is insulted enough, you might begin to act accordingly.

I understand. You hear something so much you believe it?

So not romantic relationships, friendships? I think you underestimate yourself. You should have more confidence in yourself.

 

[Judge]

I understand. You hear something so much you believe it?

So not romantic relationships, friendships? I think you underestimate yourself. You should have more confidence in yourself.

Nope...not underestimation at all. I simply know my own limitations. I have boundaries you cannot neurologically imagine.

You have separate yourself from any notion that we all commonly react neurologically in the same manner. We don't. But you can't see it, can't think it, and it's very difficult for us to even explain it.

 

[Lilybell]

Nope...not underestimation at all. I simply know my own limitations. I have boundaries you cannot neurologically imagine.

You have separate yourself from any notion that we all commonly react neurologically in the same manner. We don't. But you can't see it, can't think it, and it's very difficult for us to even explain it.

I wish there was a way to explain.

 

[Judge]

I wish there was a way to explain.

This is probably as good as it gets, at least for me.

But then I also have OCD. That I can be rationally aware of my condition, yet unable to rationally do anything about certain irrational compulsions and ritualistic behaviors. That I cannot rationally or neurologically resolve them even though I wish I could. Makes no sense, right? Self-awareness has limitations and no guarantees.

It's why I may seem somewhat nonchalant about his behavior while it vexes you to no end. I can relate to him on certain levels you cannot imagine. But knowing them intimately does not infer that any comprehensive resolve is possible. It's just what we have to live with, whether we share it with another or have to go it entirely alone.

 

[zurb]

Don't forget the aspie 'theory of mind' or lack thereof. It pervades what we do more than most of us would like to admit – mostly because its unconscious.
I conclude that .... (its time to go to bed), therefore you do too.
I know I'm fine, therefore you do too (...and I certainly don't need to state what everyone knows to be true!).

But don't assume you can read our mind any more than than we can read yours. Don't read motives into things that aren't there. Motives are usually very simple and innocent, but we may express it in way that seems unconventional. Inexplicable to you, logical to us.

 

[Lilybell]

This is probably as good as it gets, at least for me.

But then I also have OCD. That I can be rationally aware of my condition, yet unable to rationally do anything about certain irrational compulsions and ritualistic behaviors. That I cannot rationally or neurologically resolve them even though I wish I could. Makes no sense, right? Self-awareness has limitations and no guarantees.

It's why I may seem somewhat nonchalant about his behavior while it vexes you to no end. I can relate to him on certain levels you cannot imagine. But knowing them intimately does not infer that any comprehensive resolve is possible. It's just what we have to live with, whether we share it with another or have to go it entirely alone.

It's all very complicated isn't it?

I believe he has OCD too. 14 toothbrushes?? Who needs 14? He disinfects all the time and hates hair on his body.

The more I think the more I'm convinced he's on the spectrum, but then sometimes he appears like everyone else. His eye contact is good. He chats to people in the gym and when we are out he holds conversations, but hates hates crowded places. I've noticed he has one facial expression other than smiling. The rest of the timbers pretty much expressionless.

 

[Lilybell]

Don't forget the aspie 'theory of mind' or lack thereof. It pervades what we do more than most of us would like to admit – mostly because its unconscious.
I conclude that .... (its time to go to bed), therefore you do too.
I know I'm fine, therefore you do too (...and I certainly don't need to state what everyone knows to be true!).

But don't assume you can read our mind any more than than we can read yours. Don't read motives into things that aren't there. Motives are usually very simple and innocent, but we may express it in way that seems unconventional. Inexplicable to you, logical to us.

I get the 'I'm going to bed therefore so are you.'

I do try to read minds. That is a huge problem of mine. When you refer to not reading motives into things that aren't there. What do you mean? Can you give me an example?