Need advice. Help please :)

[Lilybell]

But I still don't understand what on earth happened today. Why if you want to be with someone do you say it's not working then when I get my things say it doesn't have to be like this. He was the one who implied we were over then when i accept that, he responds with it doesn't have to be this way. That's just crazy behaviour. What does it mean?

 

[Judge]

But I still don't understand what on earth happened today. Why if you want to be with someone do you say it's not working then when I get my things say it doesn't have to be like this. He was the one who implied we were over then when i accept that, he responds with it doesn't have to be this way. That's just crazy behaviour. What does it mean?

You're looking for emotional consistency on a level where you might not find any at all. Not that there is anything classic or consistent about it in terms of high-functioning autism, but in his case, it is what it is.

As I said, it's not a crime for you to back out of being in his orbit. It may well be in your best interest, even if he really does care for you. Maybe some day he'll look back on it all with great remorse as I have. Then again, maybe not if he never attempts to understand his own autism. Even then, we still have limitations to varying degrees over what we must either accept, or attempt to improve upon.

 

[midlife aspie]

My advice at this point: Get Out. Look up Cassandra Syndrome on the net.

 

[Lilybell]

You're looking for emotional consistency on a level where you might not find any at all. Not that there is anything classic or consistent about it in terms of high-functioning autism, but in his case, it is what it is.

As I said, it's not a crime for you to back out of being in his orbit. It may well be in your best interest, even if he really does care for you. Maybe some day he'll look back on it all with great remorse as I have. Then again, maybe not if he never attempts to understand his own autism. Even then, we still have limitations to varying degrees over what we must either accept, or attempt to improve upon.

Ok so I just spoke to him. He says he does want me, but is feeling a little smothered. I asked why. He doesn't know but maybe he's been spending too much time with me. I said I see you two/three times a week. His reply: no it's more than that. It really isn't though, but obviously feels that way to him.

I never ask him where he is, who he's with, where he's been, so I'm not sure why he feels smothered. I guess it comes back to what you said about needing solitude.

Well I will leave him to his holiday and have a think about what I want during that time.

 

[Judge]

Ok so I just spoke to him. He says he does want me, but is feeling a little smothered. I asked why. He doesn't know but maybe he's been spending too much time with me. I said I see you two/three times a week. His reply: no it's more than that. It really isn't though, but obviously feels that way to him.

I never ask him where he is, who he's with, where he's been, so I'm not sure why he feels smothered. I guess it comes back to what you said about needing solitude.

Well I will leave him to his holiday and have a think about what I want during that time.

It's a difficult concept for any Neurotypical to understand. But it's a critical one. Yet you still have to be fair to yourself and seriously ponder if this is for you. You seem like a lovely lady and I'd hate to see you go through such grief routinely, when he is apparently utterly unaware of his own neurology.

If anything, if I were in those circumstances I'd be a friend to him, but no more than that until he began to face his own neurological profile, and the benefits it could bring both him and you as a couple.

 

[Lilybell]

It's a difficult concept for any Neurotypical to understand. But it's a critical one. Yet you still have to be fair to yourself and seriously ponder if this is for you. You seem like a lovely lady and I'd hate to see you go through such grief routinely, when he is apparently utterly unaware of his own neurology.

If anything, if I were in those circumstances I'd be a friend to him, but no more than that until he began to face his own neurological profile, and the benefits it could bring both him and you as a couple.

Aww thank you Judge. Your comments have been really helpful to me recently. I do think I need to have a serious think about whether this is right for me or not. Thank you

 

[Lilybell]

My advice at this point: Get Out. Look up Cassandra Syndrome on the net.

Oh!!! Hmmm maybe you're right. I'm starting to feel pretty rubbish. Sad really as he's a great guy most of the time. Just every now and then something weird happens which is very confusing. I wish I didn't take them personally, but all my life they've had another meaning, so it's hard to think otherwise.

 

[hazybabe]

Aww thank you Judge. Your comments have been really helpful to me recently. I do think I need to have a serious think about whether this is right for me or not. Thank you

I was in a terribly horrible abusive relationship. Now I don't mean your relationship is abusive but I got to a point in the relationship of rather a realisation were I had to take stock of what I giving compared to what I was recieving.
At some point I had to decide whether he was worth my tears, heart break and all of the drama.
Is he worth it?

 

[midlife aspie]

As Yoda said- "Unlearn what you have learned" You are playing ball under a completely different rule set. Just imagine that you are in the Twilight Zone.

 

[Lilybell]

I was in a terribly horrible abusive relationship. Now I don't mean your relationship is abusive but I got to a point in the relationship of rather a realisation were I had to take stock of what I giving compared to what I was recieving.
At some point I had to decide whether he was worth my tears, heart break and all of the drama.
Is he worth it?

Right now I'm not sure. I think a lot of what is happening is coming from lack of understanding. Will it be easier in time when I learn more about how he thinks. I don't know.

One thing I have realised is he's definitely aspergers and also I think I do know he cares now, very much.

You guys are always spot on with everything you say too which is so reassuring. I can't thank you all enough for reading my long posts and offering so much advice. It's been great

 

[Lilybell]

As Yoda said- "Unlearn what you have learned" You are playing ball under a completely different rule set. Just imagine that you are in the Twilight Zone.

Haha I feel like I'm on another planet.

 

[Cali Cat]

I don't understand. Is he wanting to be single for his holiday? Why say it's not working and he doesn't wAnt to see me before he goes away and then when I get my things he says it doesn't need to be like this and should we have time out? It makes no sense.

I sent him a message to say have a good holiday and I hope everything works out for him etc. His reply: it does not need to be like this. Anyway I hope you find the respect you're looking for. All my love.

What the hell does he want from me?

I'm losing the will to live :-/

No, I don't think he wants to be single for his holiday. From what you say, it sounds to me like he needs exactly what he asked for: Time out. You may not feel any internal stress when doing things similar to what he is doing, but perhaps he does. I know that "going on holiday" for me is very stressful. Yes, there is an element of "fun" to it, but there is all the prep that has to be done and things to consider, especially if he is seeing his kids as well. He may just need you to be understanding that he cares but needs you to take a backseat right now. You may be confusing yourself by trying to apply common standards to a man who marches to the beat of a different drummer. You may want to step back and try being less emotional in your responses to his behavior. Wait until he comes back, and then try to have an unemotional, matter-of-fact discussion with him to express your feelings. He obviously doesn't want to end the relationship, so he will no doubt call you upon his return, if not sooner.

 

[Lilybell]

No, I don't think he wants to be single for his holiday. From what you say, it sounds to me like he needs exactly what he asked for: Time out. You may not feel any internal stress when doing things similar to what he is doing, but perhaps he does. I know that "going on holiday" for me is very stressful. Yes, there is an element of "fun" to it, but there is all the prep that has to be done and things to consider, especially if he is seeing his kids as well. He may just need you to be understanding that he cares but needs you to take a backseat right now. You may be confusing yourself by trying to apply common standards to a man who marches to the beat of a different drummer. You may want to step back and try being less emotional in your responses to his behavior. Wait until he comes back, and then try to have an unemotional, matter-of-fact discussion with him to express your feelings. He obviously doesn't want to end the relationship, so he will no doubt call you upon his return, if not sooner.

I didn't really think about the stress of his holiday. He's spent the last month talking about how he's looking forward to it and telling me he'll be partying every night (I doubt this very much, he doesn't like crowds and barely drinks) I suspect that was to get a reaction from me. He seems very excited about going so it didn't even cross my mind it could be causing stress.

You're right my responses are very emotional. I'm a very emotional/sensitive person. Too much in his opinion.

I don't think he does want to end it, but apparently he's feeling suffocated. I'm not sure why though. I will back off completely now and use the time to think.

One other thing if he's feeling suffocated seeing me 2/3 times a week then how has he managed to live with someone?

 

[Cali Cat]

I didn't really think about the stress of his holiday. He's spent the last month talking about how he's looking forward to it and telling me he'll be partying every night (I doubt this very much, he doesn't like crowds and barely drinks) I suspect that was to get a reaction from me. He seems very excited about going so it didn't even cross my mind it could be causing stress.

You're right my responses are very emotional. I'm a very emotional/sensitive person. Too much in his opinion.

I don't think he does want to end it, but apparently he's feeling suffocated. I'm not sure why though. I will back off completely now and use the time to think.

One other thing if he's feeling suffocated seeing me 2/3 times a week then how has he managed to live with someone?

Many times when I'm talking to someone about a vacation I'm planning, I'm very upbeat about it. It's only when it comes down to actually preparing for it that I get anxious, so he may be feeling some of that in the midst of it.

As for the suffocation, I don't know how he could have lived with someone if he can't tolerate 2/3 times a week with you. However, maybe the dynamic in that relationship was different. Maybe they didn't generate the same emotional tension. If he feels a lot for you, that may cause him stress in itself. Also, if you are highly emotional/sensitive, he may react to that adversely. He may be feeling confused himself, because understanding one's own feelings is not an Aspie forte.

 

[Judge]

One other thing if he's feeling suffocated seeing me 2/3 times a week then how has he managed to live with someone?

But he didn't manage it. He eventually divorced. His past marriage may be the benchmark he thinks of in terms of what he no longer wants or can tolerate with another relationship. That he cares about you, but from a certain "arm's length". Sad, but something to consider. Something he might not admit to anyone, including himself.

 

[Lilybell]

I didn't really think about the stress of his holiday. He's spent the last month talking about how he's looking forward to it and telling me he'll be partying every night (I doubt this very much, he doesn't like crowds and barely drinks) I suspect that was to get a reaction from me. He seems very excited about going so it didn't even cross my mind it could be causing stress.

You're right my responses are very emotional. I'm a very emotional/sensitive person. Too much in his opinion.

I don't think he does want to end it, but apparently he's feeling suffocated. I'm not sure why though. I will back off completely now and use the time to think.

Many times when I'm talking to someone about a vacation I'm planning, I'm very upbeat about it. It's only when it comes down to actually preparing for it that I get anxious, so he may be feeling some of that in the midst of it.

As for the suffocation, I don't know how he could have lived with someone if he can't tolerate 2/3 times a week with you. However, maybe the dynamic in that relationship was different. Maybe they didn't generate the same emotional tension. If he feels a lot for you, that may cause him stress in itself. Also, if you are highly emotional/sensitive, he may react to that adversely. He may be feeling confused himself, because understanding one's own feelings is not an Aspie forte.

Yes maybe. I'm not sure what his other relationships were like. Only that the last one was 5 years and she left him accusing him of not caring and the one before was 15 years. He said he loved her but they drifted apart. I'm not sure they lived together for some. He moved out because he couldn't stand the mess. She had bags piled up everywhere. I don't think he ever went back. I don't know what it was like in the beginning but from what he's told me she sounds quite a selfish woman.

Maybe I am too emotional/sensitive and it causes him stress like you say. Not that I scream and shout, I'm quite quiet but can be moody I guess. He thinks I'm volatile.

I definitely don't feel I suffocate him. I don't see him weekends as he goes to see his children and it's always later at night when he finishes work. Maybe 7 we go to the gym then he might go back to work for a couple of hours, so it's not like it's hours and hours. maybe that's a lot for him.

 

[Lilybell]

But he didn't manage it. He eventually divorced. His past marriage may be the benchmark he thinks of in terms of what he no longer wants or can tolerate with another relationship. That he cares about you, but from a certain "arm's length". Sad, but something to consider. Something he might not admit to anyone, including himself.

True, they didn't last. Fifteen years and five years is a considerable length of time though, if he's struggling with me after only months. I don't know what their relationships were like though. Perhaps they were less emotional and they were cold women. Who knows.

'He cares about you, but from a certain arms length' - what do you mean? Does that mean he cares less and I'm not important or he can't be close to me because it causes too much stress? Or this is what he's like in all relationships. Sorry I wasn't really sure what that meant.

Little update:

He's called me twice already this morning. Would I like the key to the flat so I can stay there while he's away. I guess by doing that he knows he'll see me as I'll have the key. Then he tells me I'll send you lots of pictures while I'm away. Time out?? Was it just time out this weekend he wanted? How confusing. Why can he just say what he means?

You guys are all so lovely by the way

 

[Cali Cat]

Little update:
Time out?? Was it just time out this weekend he wanted? How confusing. Why can he just say what he means?

That question could be asked of all men.

 

[Judge]

'He cares about you, but from a certain arms length' - what do you mean? Does that mean he cares less and I'm not important or he can't be close to me because it causes too much stress? Or this is what he's like in all relationships. Sorry I wasn't really sure what that meant.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things for Neurotypicals to grasp about our thought process. That we can tolerate people in small doses- not large ones. And not necessarily with any consistency. This dynamic can be all over the place for us. Unfortunately for you, it sounds like he's more of an extreme case. Worst of all compounded by the fact that he has no understanding or is in deep denial of being on the spectrum of autism. Clearly he cares about you, but it appears that he can only handle it exclusively on his own terms. Which doesn't seem emotionally or socially practical under the circumstances.

Don't beat yourself up over this if you don't understand. It's socially contradictory and alien to Neurotypicals. Yet I've discussed this sort of thing elsewhere in this forum, and have observed how many of my fellow Aspies instantly knew exactly what I meant. To exist in a society where at one moment we are lonely, and at another we are completely content to be totally alone.

For Neurotypicals, deeply relating to another person seems fundamentally a conditional situation. A simple case of yes or no. In a Neurodiverse world, it can be both...and even within the same span of time. And that in the process, it can be as confusing for us as it can be confusing for you. Don't look for logic with this. You won't find it.

Relationships shouldn't amount to an equivalent of "walking on a razor's edge". But for many of us, I fear that's exactly what they may amount to. Personally I marvel at those of you with long-standing relationships whether your partners are fellow Aspies or Neurotypicals. That you're able to overcome such things to keep it all together. God bless you.

 

[Lilybell]

Perhaps one of the most difficult things for Neurotypicals to grasp about our thought process. That we can tolerate people in small doses- not large ones. And not necessarily with any consistency. This dynamic can be all over the place for us. Unfortunately for you, it sounds like he's more of an extreme case. Worst of all compounded by the fact that he has no understanding or is in deep denial of being on the spectrum of autism. Clearly he cares about you, but it appears that he can only handle it exclusively on his own terms. Which doesn't seem emotionally or socially practical under the circumstances.

Don't beat yourself up over this if you don't understand. It's socially contradictory and alien to Neurotypicals. Yet I've discussed this sort of thing elsewhere in this forum, and have observed how many of my fellow Aspies instantly knew exactly what I meant. To exist in a society where at one moment we are lonely, and at another we are completely content to be totally alone.

For Neurotypicals, deeply relating to another person seems fundamentally a conditional situation. A simple case of yes or no. In a Neurodiverse world, it can be both...and even within the same span of time. And that in the process, it can be as confusing for us as it can be confusing for you. Don't look for logic with this. You won't find it.

Relationships shouldn't amount to an equivalent of "walking on a razor's edge". But for many of us, I fear that's exactly what they may amount to. Personally I marvel at those of you with long-standing relationships whether your partners are fellow Aspies or Neurotypicals. That you're able to overcome such things to keep it all together. God bless you.

I think I understand. It seems he can go on holiday with someone for a week though. So perhaps it's just me he can't tolerate being around :-( I'm sure he'll go off on his own at times and do his own thing.

Just feeling hurt, confused and a little drained from yesterday.

I wonder if there are any other people here who suspect their partner is on the spectrum. Be nice to hear how they cope.