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My sudden realisation with some ( sadly most) neurotypicals

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Suzanne

Suzanne

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Recently, I encountered a situation which caused me to think about neurotypicals and neurodiversity.

This female, who knows I have Aspergers and even thinks her own brother is on the spectrum and she wonders if she has a mild version of ADHD, tends to say things, that need a witty quick fire answer, which usually really is beyond me. Thankfully, though, I am learning in a small way to adapt to those responses.

Well, on this occasion she came out with a quip to me and usually, me being very literal, would spoil the "punch line", but I was able to put on the "mask" and "play" along.

I came to see that many neurotypicals do not even want to try to adapt to our make up; but sure do demand that we adapt to theirs!

I seem to have one friend who truly gets me and lol she definitely is a neurodiverse, but not Aspergers.

I mentioned that often I feel that I am just the "furniture in the room" of no consequence. I said that I do wonder what kind of aura I have, that immediately causes ones to just about tolerate me. She responded with: you mean they are hot and cold towards you? Then said: I don't get most people, Suzanne. How they can treat you like that?

So, I have a new way of handling things in my mind. I am so sexy (according to my husband). I am so stunning, that these frighten other women! So, even though I do not believe this at all; I am going to try to work along with this concept and hope it will be more bearable around these neurotypicals.
 
Here is some theme music to accompany your new mantra...
I'm Too Sexy, Right Said Fred (1991)
 
Suzanne said:
I came to see that many neurotypicals do not even want to try to adapt to our make up; but sure do demand that we adapt to theirs!
Click to expand...

Indeed. Something I've posted many times over the years here:

Most of us unfortunately often have negative consequences associated with sharing our suspicions or diagnosis, particularly with those in our tightest social orbit. Friends, relatives and even lovers.

Forcing us all to ponder to keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only.

* That there are a tiny few who will want to understand and succeed.

* That there are a few more who want to understand and fail.

* Leaving a vast majority who may be indifferent, uninformed and likely to default to expecting, even demanding that we adjust our thought processes to a neurological majority.
 
Judge said:
Indeed. Something I've posted many times over the years here:

Most of us unfortunately often have negative consequences associated with sharing our suspicions or diagnosis, particularly with those in our tightest social orbit. Friends, relatives and even lovers.

Forcing us all to ponder to keep it on a "need-to-know" basis only.

* That there are a tiny few who will want to understand and succeed.

* That there are a few more who want to understand and fail.

* Leaving a vast majority who may be indifferent, uninformed and likely to default to expecting, even demanding that we adjust our thought processes to a neurological majority.
Click to expand...
There needs to be a "cry face" emoji to respond to this.
 
I don't understand why one of us would assume that NTs could casually adjust to us.

We're either different and hard for them to understand, or we're very close to NT (e.g. something akin to being NT/introvert).

Getting this wrong isn't free. Putting unreasonable expectations on other people has significant negative consequences.
 
Suzanne said:
Recently, I encountered a situation which caused me to think about neurotypicals and neurodiversity.

This female, who knows I have Aspergers and even thinks her own brother is on the spectrum and she wonders if she has a mild version of ADHD, tends to say things, that need a witty quick fire answer, which usually really is beyond me. Thankfully, though, I am learning in a small way to pt to those responses.

Well, on this occasion she came out with a quip to me and usually, me being very literal, would spoil the "punch line", but I was able to put on the "mask" and "play" along.

I came to see that many neurotypicals do not even want to try to adapt to our make up; but sure do demand that we adapt to theirs!

I seem to have one friend who truly gets me and lol she definitely is a neurodiverse, but not Aspergers.

I mentioned that often I feel that I am just the "furniture in the room" of no consequence. I said that I do wonder what kind of aura I have, that immediately causes ones to just about tolerate me. She responded with: you mean they are hot and cold towards you? Then said: I don't get most people, Suzanne. How they can treat you like that?

So, I have a new way of handling things in my mind. I am so sexy (according to my husband). I am so stunning, that these frighten other women! So, even though I do not believe this at all; I am going to try to work along with this concept and hope it will be more bearable around these neurotypicals.
Click to expand...
Maybe you are sexy and stunning.
It was nice of your husband to say it as least he believes in you.
You are right they always expect us to adapt to their ways of being and thinking.
But they are not smart enough to understand us.
Idk if i am actually autistic or adhd but I have been very lonely and people here are very nice.
But yes people expect you to understand them and you may not be able to and then they do not understand people who are smart with disabilities.
Because they are incapable of it.
But then if you are smart with disabilities they will expect you to understand them because they are dumb.
In general do not expect to tell anyone in life that you are smart or dumb yourself down
Because people do not appreciate it especially as a woman.
If you tell someone you are smart they will not appreciate it or feel inadequate.
So that is a challenge in itself
Anyway the lesson is never try
Because people are difficult anyway and will probably hurt you sometimes very badly if you do not hurt them.
Anyway it is hard to get along with anyone as an intelligent woman and someone with disabilities
Because people can be very rubbish and be typically unbendable
They think only autistics are well neurotypicals are as well
 
@wards

Indeed. But it's possible to get much better and much more efficient at the dance.

Assuming that NTs should and will figure us out implies it might be more efficient to wait than it is to work on ourselves.
 
Omg yes, i hate it when people tease and joke about you, or are constantly in a witty mood. It is very tiring to constantly put on a mask to entertain people
 
Hypnalis said:
I don't understand why one of us would assume that NTs could casually adjust to us.

We're either different and hard for them to understand, or we're very close to NT (e.g. something akin to being NT/introvert).

Getting this wrong isn't free. Putting unreasonable expectations on other people has significant negative consequences.
Click to expand...

And it is complicated by concealment of ND characteristics such as by masking. If an NT is unaware that someone is on the spectrum, then the NT default mode will be to try to explain why someone acts as they do, usually by assigning a mental illness to the ND.

This is what happened in my family with my NT brother who was married to an ND woman who never told him or anyone else that she was on the spectrum. No one could understand her behaviors other than to assume she had a mental illness. After my brother's death, she finally told me that she had been diagnosed with autism years before she met my brother but had never told him. Her disclosure explained most of her behavioral issues. If my brother had known that, their marriage might have worked.
 
@Mary Terry

Some of us live in places where you can't simply tell people "oh thats bc i am autistic" Because people might shun you AND your family. Because to them disability of any form means you are a lesser being.

My father who is over 60 grew up being abused verbally over and over, being told he was "dumb", being told he was abnormal, and even after getting married and a high paying job he was constantly ridiculed by my mother. What would happen if he was told he was autistic and he told everyone that? My Mother would throw a pity party, maybe even divorce my dad.

Learning about autism and disabilities and being open about yourself is important, but not everyone has the luxury to do this if it would make your life a living hell
 
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The other way of seeing it is that it's difficult for others to understand what it means to be autistic. It's difficult for me to understand myself so I don't expect others will do a good job either.

But if too sexy works for you, more power to you :)

For what is worth, some women do act differently around pretty women. My ex wife was beautiful (even though she didn't believe it) and many times I witnessed women behaving strangely towards her. As if it was her fault that men would look at her.
 
AprilR said:
@Mary Terry

Some of us live in places where you can't simply tell people "oh thats bc i am autistic" Because people might shun you AND your family. Because to them disability of any form means you are a lesser being.

My father who is over 60 grew up being abused verbally over and over, being told he was "dumb", being told he was abnormal, and even after getting married and a high paying job he was constantly ridiculed by my mother. What would happen if he was told he was autistic and he told everyone that? My Mother would throw a pity party, maybe even divorce my dad.

Learning about autism and disabilities and being open about yourself is important, but not everyone has the luxury to do this if it would make your life a living hell
Click to expand...

How sad that your mother was/is like that. I don't know where you live, but I can't think of anywhere in the USA where people can't be told about autism. If others (NTs) cannot explain why you engage in behaviors that are foreign to them, then they will assume that you have mental issues and will, indeed, shun you and your family. I guess it's a catch-22 situation where you live. Damned if you do and damned if you don't tell.
 
I've had women acting all weird around me but I hardly doubt it's because I'm attractive, as I don't think I'm attractive. How can I be attractive with eyes too close together, unplucked eyebrows, long nose causing long face, double chin (now that I've put on weight again), and not wearing make-up except a bit of lipstick maybe? Not much to be jealous of, especially if they are attractive themselves. I hate my look.
 
I've had women be weird around me too, but I figure it's coz I'm weird and I'm weirding them out. I have had a local woman (who obviously likes me, she runs the local book shop) tell me (surprisingly) that "I'm the woman everyone wants to be like" which spun me out. I've never thought of myself like that, not remotely. I just like to dance and sing and I have a lot of beautiful children (grown now). Oh and I do dress with a certain flare. In fact my oldest daughter became a fashion designer, or is becoming, which she attributes to being motivated to become because she was inspired by my fashion sense. I'm not overly beautiful, by any means, but I do have a certain inner quality that shines out of me. Even my first long term partner (who hates me, although he denies it) said he fell for me "because of my sparkle".
I need to lose some pounds now though. Even though I still look young for my age, I will look way younger when I get back in shape. My guy thinks I'm sexy though. He still tells me so. I think he's sexy too.
 
Suzanne said:
I came to see that many neurotypicals do not even want to try to adapt to our make up; but sure do demand that we adapt to theirs!
Click to expand...
So very true. During adolescence this becomes especially cruel when NTs typically sort themselves out and learn to belong in loose relationships. Their egos will not let them connect with anybody they see as different.
 
Mary Terry said:
And it is complicated by concealment of ND characteristics such as by masking. If an NT is unaware that someone is on the spectrum, then the NT default mode will be to try to explain why someone acts as they do, usually by assigning a mental illness to the ND.

This is what happened in my family with my NT brother who was married to an ND woman who never told him or anyone else that she was on the spectrum. No one could understand her behaviors other than to assume she had a mental illness. After my brother's death, she finally told me that she had been diagnosed with autism years before she met my brother but had never told him. Her disclosure explained most of her behavioral issues. If my brother had known that, their marriage might have worked.
Click to expand...
My spouse pegged me before my diagnosis, referring to me as her Aspie husband. Her social issues growing up make me think that she is on the spectrum. Still, we have accommodated to each other and I am enjoying life with her. I think it is an amazing feeling to be seen and accepted.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
My spouse pegged me before my diagnosis, referring to me as her Aspie husband. Her social issues growing up make me think that she is on the spectrum. Still, we have accommodated to each other and I am enjoying life with her. I think it is an amazing feeling to be seen and accepted.
Click to expand...

Me and the wife have the exact same relationship, shes as spicy as i am and it just works, dont even need to compromise.
 
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