My boyfriend is barely making progress...is this normal?

[Katina12]

Hi all, so I've been worried about my BF getting a job and friends and progressing the way he wants to. I don't know if his AS is "severe" or not, but he does have pretty bad issues with organization and getting things done and day to day tasks stress him out.

-He spends most of the day in bed, just thinking, or playing games on his computer. Most days he can't really get out of bed until around noon.
-It takes him a significant amount of energy just to brush his teeth, comb his hair, shower, etc.
-Some days he can work up the energy to cook and clean, but other days he simply goes back to bed and browses different websites
-Just talking to me at night and his mom and brother once a week seems to be almost too much social connection for him. The only person he truly loves on this Earth is me, he basically just "puts up" with his family. He sort of wants friends, but has absolutely no idea how to make them or keep them or if he would even truly want one.
-He wants to get a job, but he has truly no idea how to get one, even when I offer to help him he gets upset and insists he can't do it despite the fact that he wants one
-He is very smart in his subject, but he can't multitask or work in an overly stimulating environment...I have a hard time believing he'd be able to function in an environment with more than one or two coworkers.

I guess I'm a bit frustrated. Right now his goal is to have a resume done by the end of September, and to apply to one job by the end of 2017, and he still says he doesn't think he'll be able to do it...but he's willing to try for my sake. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he can't do that when I could apply to 5 jobs in a day without giving it much thought...I'm sorry if that sounds horrible and insensitive which it probably is. I'm just having such a hard time understanding how such a simple thing for me could be such a monumental challenge for him. I'm lost.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. I've offered to actually write a resume for him and walk him to the interview so he knows I'm right outside. I've offered to mock-interview him until he's got the common questions down pat. He just gets upset, saying he doesn't know what he will do if they call him (he's afraid of answering the phone) and terrified of the interview process, and that even a job like washing dishes would be too much multitasking...he is afraid of having a breakdown.

I'm upset near tears because I love him and I want him to be happy and I want us to be able to have a future together...but money is getting tight with just my income. I've tried everything..I've pushed him, I've given him space, offered to apply myself, offered to mock-interview him...nothing works.

What do you all suggest? Should I push him more, give him an ultimatum, give him space, give him encouragement, some sort of mixture of these things?

And is it normal for it to take him 3 months to apply to one job? He's in therapy and on meds...but isn't that a sign that he's not progressing?

I'm sorry if this post sounded like I don't care about his issues, I do and I know that he tries so hard. It's just...my heart is breaking. I want us to have a future together so badly but I can't imagine not ending up resenting him if we have a future where we end up poor and living paycheck to paycheck...I just don't know if I should stay and I'm so, so lost.

 

[xDominiel]

Pushing him into a job probably won't end well, to be honest. If he doesn't have the enthusiasm to get out there for his own sake then he's not ready to put in the effort. His lack of energy and spending so much time in bed might be depression. I assume the therapy and meds are for the anxiety he has? Did he have a traumatic childhood? He might very well be right about just not being able to do it.

It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he can't do that when I could apply to 5 jobs in a day without giving it much thought

Yeah.. If only it was that easy for all of us. If his social anxiety is anything like mine then it's like walking out among masses of wild, ferocious animals who will turn on you and attack as soon as given the opportunity (it's not logical, but hey, that's trauma).. It probably doesn't sound as simple then.

Have you considered living apart (but not breaking up)? That way you wouldn't have to deal with his economy, at least.

 

[wight]

If you want to get your "head around" what it is like, try this:

Think about something that absolutely terrifies you, snakes, walking a dark parking lot, something that makes your guts churn and your heart thump in your chest just thinking about it. Got it? OK, now focus on that and try to imagine that is your emotional reaction to anything and everything that is change or new.

If you can, it will give you some small sense of what it is like.

You need to evaluate what you value and what is worthwhile in life. Is it money? Is it happiness? Is it love? Those things are not always compatible.

 

[Gracey]

Katina,
What do you do for yourself? (when you're not working?)
do you get out with your friends? Treat yourself? Spend time alone doing something you love to do?

 

[the_tortoise]

It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he can't do that when I could apply to 5 jobs in a day without giving it much thought...I'm sorry if that sounds horrible and insensitive which it probably is.

No, it's not horrible and insensitive -- unless I'm missing something written between the lines, you're just stating a fact (that you find it hard to understand, and why that is).

The only explanation I can offer you is that everyone has different abilities. Sometimes wildly different. And that the "ability" to apply for a job depends on so many more specific abilities that you could have lots of differences in ability at work here, lots of things affecting what he can and can't do as compared to you.

What do you all suggest? Should I push him more, give him an ultimatum, give him space, give him encouragement, some sort of mixture of these things?

First suggestion: Would he be eligible for any kind of disability/unemployment benefits? If he might be, I suggest you ask him to apply for them.

Second suggestion:

Assume, hypothetically, that you have no influence and your actions change nothing. (Of course, in reality, things may change for your boyfriend and your actions may be a catalyst or facilitator, but ultimately the determining factors are beyond your control -- some may be beyond his control as well.) Consider what you want to do with this hypothesis in place.

I think it's very unwise (and risks a lot of hurt for everyone involved) to commit to a relationship with someone based on the expectation that they change in some significant way...that change may never happen. (People can even lose abilities or develop new difficulties due to illness or injury, psychological/neurological or otherwise -- whether they are NT or ND, whether they were disabled or non-disabled to start with.....it's just a reality of life.....and I don't say this from a judgemental place, it's just something you might want to consider if your boyfriend's abilities play a big role in your decision about whether or not you want to be with him.)

 

[Katina12]

His lack of energy and spending so much time in bed might be depression. I assume the therapy and meds are for the anxiety he has? Did he have a traumatic childhood? He might very well be right about just not being able to do it.

He does have depression yeah, or at least he used to...but I thought it was getting better with his therapy, and around the house at least he is a very happy person. He's always happy when I get home, extremely so, and is extremely sweet and loving to me when I'm there. But when I ask him what he did during the day, he just gets awkward and says he cleaned, which he does do most days, but I have a hard time imagining it took him 8 hours I was gone. If I press it farther he always admits that he "slept in" and then just plays computer games...he does seem embarrassed about it but that doesn't stop him from doing the same thing every day. He is on antidepressants and in therapy, and his childhood was fairly carefree. How parents were wonderful...he was bullied though, which I imagine must have been a bit traumatic. But yeah, he has had depression in the past quite severely and suicidal thoughts...but I truly thought he was on the upswing.

Katina,
What do you do for yourself? (when you're not working?)
do you get out with your friends? Treat yourself? Spend time alone doing something you love to do?

I do usually go out with my friends once a week on Friday or Saturday night, usually can't afford to treat myself to anything but sometimes I do buy myself something nice, usually clothes. Most of my weeknights off I spend cuddling and watching movies, baking, taking walks, etc...with my BF.

I think it's very unwise (and risks a lot of hurt for everyone involved) to commit to a relationship with someone based on the expectation that they change in some significant way...that change may never happen. (People can even lose abilities or develop new difficulties due to illness or injury, psychological/neurological or otherwise -- whether they are NT or ND, whether they were disabled or non-disabled to start with.....it's just a reality of life.....and I don't say this from a judgemental place, it's just something you might want to consider if your boyfriend's abilities play a big role in your decision about whether or not you want to be with him.)

Very wise words, and very true. I guess I've always seen myself as his #1 motivator since he wouldn't even consider working again before he met me. But I think at the end of the day, it has to come down to him.

 

[Pariah Dog]

I just want to add that someone who intendeds to put out 1 resume by the end of the year honestly has no intention of working at all. On average how many resumes do you have to put out to get a job? Varies greatly by nation and region but even in a place of good economy it is going to take several resumes. Areas that aren't doing so well you might reasonably have to expect to apply 200 times.

He needs a massive dose of motivation and I don't have much of an answer as to where that could come from. Now I imagine this to be extraordinarily unlikely to happen, but I have read inspirational stories about people who basically amounted to nothing (some were previously drug addicts or living a life of crime) then had entered military service and completely turned their world around. They became inspired and confident and found out they are a much greater person than they thought they could be. After overcoming great challenges and accomplishing what they never imagined themselves capable of it is life changing. I highly doubt that a realistic option here. Just thinking out loud.

I don't know if it is a modern trend but I see far too many young women supporting a dead beat boyfriend. She works and does everything and the guy sits on the couch smoking pot all day with no intention of ever doing anything more. I know one loser like that who sometimes works as a night club dj but can't work a real job and claims disability due to "anxiety." If anyone tries to make her see sense she will just defend the guy (He's really nice, I love him...etc). This used to greatly annoy me when I work hard, make nearly 6 figures per year, am nice to people, look decent and stay in shape, yet manage to be not in demand. I'm not bothered at the moment because I am enjoying all the up sides to that (freedom to do what I feel like when I feel like it being #1).

I think the_tortoise summed it up the best. If you want to be with this person you need to think if it's going to be for the long term good. You need to face the reality that this situation is probably not EVER going to improve. People who live like bums usually tend to make a life long career of it. The way you hopefully stated that he will apply for one job this year shows denial. I was in your situation with roles reversed with my ex. It was much worse however. She never intended to work, was ungrateful and felt completely entitled to have someone support her, abusive, and the absurdity of day to day life kept getting worse little by little. Not noticeable from one day to the next but when you think across years it's "OMG how did I get here?" In denial I held on to the hope that either things would improve or I would at least earn my freedom. It took a radical departure for me to get out of that. I even speculated that she might try to kill me or hire someone to do so. It was worth the risk. I would have rather died on my feet 1000 times over then continue living that hellish existence once I got determined enough.

You need to think long term. How do you like your station in life? Think years down the road. Would you be ok still living exactly as you are? Or maybe in worse shape? What if instead you could be with a man who carries himself as a man, earns a living, loves and respects you and makes you feel good? (Those keep getting rarer in this crumbling society). What if you deprive yourself of that chance? You might be like me one day. Realized most of your 20's were wasted away and you re-emerge into the world in damage control mode.

I might be a bit blunt, but sugar coating reality doesn't do a service to anyone. Also I am an aspie after all.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

People who live like bums usually tend to make a life long career of it

Thought I'd repeat. Don't let aspergers be an excuse for him.

 

[xDominiel]

I know one loser like that who sometimes works as a night club dj but can't work a real job and claims disability due to "anxiety."

You say that like you think it's not a real and serious problem. It is.

And is calling people "losers" and "bums" really necessary? That's more than just being blunt or facing reality.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I agree with much of what has been said above, one other factor which I don't think has been mentioned is autistic inertia, which is basically having a huge amount of difficult making the decision to stop doing one thing and start doing something else. For some people that means they're incredibly productive (I can write a research paper in a couple of days because I just won't stop working on it unless forced) or that they spend all their time doing one useless thing (I can spend weeks at a time doing nothing but re-reading the same book even though there are important deadlines and chores hanging over my head making me miserable). It's like compulsive procrastination taken to a crippling level.

That said, I have to join in with the people saying that there is a very good chance that he is not going to change at all, and it sounds like he doesn't really intend to. He may have good reasons (anxiety and depression can be truly crippling), but there is a point where you have to acknowledge that he is responsible for his own actions, and making excuses for not taking action isn't good for you or for him. It doesn't change the fact that he is probably going to spend years sitting around the house playing computer games instead of working, and you need to decide if you can live with that. Don't let the fact that he has aspergers obligate you into putting up with a lifestyle that you are not happy with.

 

[xudo]

It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he can't do that when I could apply to 5 jobs in a day without giving it much thought...I'm sorry if that sounds horrible and insensitive which it probably is. I'm just having such a hard time understanding how such a simple thing for me could be such a monumental challenge for him. I'm lost.

To some degree, you will never be able to understand. As much as Aspie's can't "put themselves in another's shoes" neither can NT's. You will never be able to understand why things that are so incredibly simple to you are so incredibly hard for him. There are things that you find easy because you don't even have to give them a second thought, you just do them and you know how to because it comes naturally to NT's. The same can not be said for your boyfriend. He probably can't get his head around how you're able to do such things and it not be an issue.

What do you all suggest? Should I push him more, give him an ultimatum, give him space, give him encouragement, some sort of mixture of these things?

Probably the worst thing you could do. You say you've been pushing him, and yet he's barely made any progress...so maybe pushing him isn't the way to go. For me personally, being pushed just makes me stressed and anxious and then I get frustrated too and everything goes to hell.

And is it normal for it to take him 3 months to apply to one job?

Maybe it's normal for him. Maybe he doesn't really want to apply for them. Maybe he's just doing it because he knows you want him to. Maybe it's overwhelming and that's why it's taking so long. Maybe he's really anxious about interviews or even having to go to a job every day and he's slowing down to put it off.

My point being, it could be any one of those things, or all of them. Ask him, and tell him to be completely honest.

As to the title "my boyfriend is barely making progress, is this normal?"...again, it could be that it is for him, or one of the reasons I gave above.

 

[Momo]

Until he wants to, you can't force him to. But it sounds like your BF may need a little bit of a confidence booster of some sort, I sure that he will find work when he is ready, if at all. Pushing him is almost bound to have the opposite effect, sorry I couldn't give you any good news. You could try hiding the chocolate until he gets his work done, that's the only way I even get mine done

 

[Alaska]

Hi all, so I've been worried about my BF getting a job and friends and progressing the way he wants to. I don't know if his AS is "severe" or not, but he does have pretty bad issues with organization and getting things done and day to day tasks stress him out.

-He spends most of the day in bed, just thinking, or playing games on his computer. Most days he can't really get out of bed until around noon.
-It takes him a significant amount of energy just to brush his teeth, comb his hair, shower, etc.
-Some days he can work up the energy to cook and clean, but other days he simply goes back to bed and browses different websites
-Just talking to me at night and his mom and brother once a week seems to be almost too much social connection for him. The only person he truly loves on this Earth is me, he basically just "puts up" with his family. He sort of wants friends, but has absolutely no idea how to make them or keep them or if he would even truly want one.
-He wants to get a job, but he has truly no idea how to get one, even when I offer to help him he gets upset and insists he can't do it despite the fact that he wants one
-He is very smart in his subject, but he can't multitask or work in an overly stimulating environment...I have a hard time believing he'd be able to function in an environment with more than one or two coworkers.

I guess I'm a bit frustrated. Right now his goal is to have a resume done by the end of September, and to apply to one job by the end of 2017, and he still says he doesn't think he'll be able to do it...but he's willing to try for my sake. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he can't do that when I could apply to 5 jobs in a day without giving it much thought...I'm sorry if that sounds horrible and insensitive which it probably is. I'm just having such a hard time understanding how such a simple thing for me could be such a monumental challenge for him. I'm lost.

I don't even know what I'm looking for. I've offered to actually write a resume for him and walk him to the interview so he knows I'm right outside. I've offered to mock-interview him until he's got the common questions down pat. He just gets upset, saying he doesn't know what he will do if they call him (he's afraid of answering the phone) and terrified of the interview process, and that even a job like washing dishes would be too much multitasking...he is afraid of having a breakdown.

I'm upset near tears because I love him and I want him to be happy and I want us to be able to have a future together...but money is getting tight with just my income. I've tried everything..I've pushed him, I've given him space, offered to apply myself, offered to mock-interview him...nothing works.

What do you all suggest? Should I push him more, give him an ultimatum, give him space, give him encouragement, some sort of mixture of these things?

And is it normal for it to take him 3 months to apply to one job? He's in therapy and on meds...but isn't that a sign that he's not progressing?

I'm sorry if this post sounded like I don't care about his issues, I do and I know that he tries so hard. It's just...my heart is breaking. I want us to have a future together so badly but I can't imagine not ending up resenting him if we have a future where we end up poor and living paycheck to paycheck...I just don't know if I should stay and I'm so, so lost.

I am sorry that your heart is breaking because you love an Aspie who does not seem to be the person you hoped he could be right now.

Trying to encourage him to get a job is not likely to work in the ways you have been using so far. Maybe nothing will work to achieve what you want.

It is understandable that you see a bleak future for you both if things continue as they are now. Only you can decide whether you want to keep trying other methods to achieve any changes you want in your BF. If you do not, then end it and get the pain over with for you both.

If you want to try more, positive methods work better for Aspies and you can't be subtle. As mentioned by others, one ordinary application in three months is not likely to produce employment. However, there are books that are sort of like guerilla job hunting where a few applications could actually get employment. If you want to put forthe the effort, one of these books that I read is called something like, " What Color is Your Parachute?"

It requires some behavior that your BF may not be able to do, though. You can probably take a look at it and similar ones and see what you think.

I found a description of the book that you can look at if you are interested: What Color is Your Parachute? - Wikipedia

I used it to get several jobs, so it does work for some Aspies. It will not work for all of us since we are very different.

 

[Pariah Dog]

You say that like you think it's not a real and serious problem. It is.

And is calling people "losers" and "bums" really necessary? That's more than just being blunt or facing reality.

The particular individual I was speaking about is sometimes a club dj, up in front of hundreds of people and talking to the crowd the way djs to to keep them pumped. This is in rave or strip club environments we're talking about. Loud, high energy, etc. Not a guy dj-ing a wedding or Christmas party. Then he is on disability for having too much anxiety to work a regular job. Yes some people have things like crippling social anxiety that is a real illness and they can not be a part of society. I have never heard of a condition that would allow someone to be a night club dj occasionally but then unable to go out and function in a regular daily job. He sits at home all day smoking pot every day while his chronically ill girl friend of many years works and pays for everything. She drives him where he needs to go as well because of course it's her car. He's cheating the system and I am paying for it in part by taxes. I'm not much into applying names to people on a regular basis but I definitely stand by "loser" and "bum" in that scenario.

It further sickens be because I have encountered so many young women in similar situations. Like they want some rescued beat up alley cat to take care of or something. I feel like it is some sort of product of modern times. I really can't recall hearing stories of this from older generations except for one such baby boomer couple I was acquainted with through work.

More on the original topic. What if the guy could do some sort of online job? I hear there are things people can do like fill out piles of surveys which pays very little but it is something at least. With my ex I tried to get her to do at least that much. If she even made something negligible like $200/month I would have been happy that shes at least contributing SOMETHING to the dictatorship... I mean partnership...supposedly. But no, she was too selfish to even lift a finger of effort towards that idea.