My Best Friend Obsession >.<

[angelbread22]

Soooo, hi! Beforehand, thanks for listening. It means a lot to me. ^.^

I have a best friend. We’ve been best friends since we were nine years old. She’s my shield against the rest of the world, and the only person I completely trust with all of my crazy. We have a world together. She’s the only person who can calm me down during a meltdown, or shutdown, by just holding me. She also might be a point of major obsession. When I was younger, I never imagined that we might come to a place where we would go separate ways. I mean, not separate as in not being friends anymore. But just separate in the way that I couldn’t imagine not being with her all of the time, and living with her, and having her around when things get tough. Because, well, we’ve always been that way.

Now, here comes the but. She’s twenty-three years old. I’m twenty-two. As we get older, she blends in more with everyone else. I seem even more stand-out-ish. Despite having a boyfriend that I love, and plan to marry, I want to spend most of my time with her. He understands, for the most part. Because, though he isn’t on the spectrum exactly, he does have ADHD, and his mind tends to be a little more accepting of people like me. He even likes having her around, because he doesn’t deal as well with the meltdowns and things. Soooo, everything is a bit stable. Until people mention that if Blake and I do get married, it would be weird for Rissa to live with us. And that sends me spiraling. To which Blake says that Rissa can just live next door, and we wouldn’t even move into our own place for several years. Sooo, deep breaths on that.

But that’s just one part. The major part I’m dealing with is that Rissa also has a significant other. Her name is Elly, just like mine. Aaaand, I really really really hate her. I hate that she takes Rissa away for days at a time. I hate that she has issues just like me, and Ris likes taking care of her. And, I hate the way that I hate her. >.< *frustrated face* It’s mostly situation. Elly (the other one) is also one of my other best friend’s fiance. And Rissa already shattered my world by going up to New York to live with them for five months. In which I almost died. And I lost a lot of confidence in myself. And Elly (the other one) is just so needy. >.< Of course, I’m really needy. And really jealous. And, and. Elly (the other one) was my friend too.

*sigh* Let’s try to gather some thoughts, kay? When Rissa called to tell me she was coming home, because she missed me too much, I burst into tears. I had been living with my mother, which isn’t really a good situation because she doesn’t always understand me. She just wants me to be normal, and not childish. And not happy. >.< Okay, so that last bit was an exaggeration. But, the point it, it was really traumatic for me. And it made me distrust Ris just a little, because she had left me even though she said she would always take me with her. When Ris got back down, I moved in with her, Doggy (my good friend and Elly’s fiance) and Elly (the other one

). It was slightly okay for a few weeks. I’d even had conversation with Elly about how much Rissa meant to me, and that in some tiny way I was both obsessed and in love with her. Yes, yes. I do have a boyfriend. That I love, very much. But, well, my feeling are confusing, and complicated, and dumb. Ahem! Sooo, I was in shock a week later when the two declared they were suddenly dating. Without even talking to me about it!

Okay, it normally wouldn’t matter, with normal people. But Rissa and I had always talked about things like that. So, I felt really betrayed. But, I tried. I really did. Ris has so much control over my life, I just deluded myself into thinking that I had the same. >.<

Soooo, there’s that. Elly is the first person who has been close to me that I just hate. Like, burning in stomach, just wanna push her down the stairs, can’t stand hearing her name, or her voice, or the way she clings to Ris. *glowers* It caused a lot of big commotions in the beginning. Like, full out melt-down crazy tantrums. So, Ris and I moved in with Blake. But it’s still been really hard, because Ris tells everyone that I’m her top priority. This has all been ongoing for about a year now. >.<

Recently, Elly (the fake one -.-) went back up to New York for a month. And I got used to having Rissa to myself again. And now she’s back. I had a major shutdown when I realized it, and I really scared Rissa and Blake. And now Rissa is talking to me about breaking up with Elly, even though Elly is bipolar, also probably on the spectrum, and it would tear her to pieces. But Ris says I’m the most important, and that she would do that. But, but. *frustrated look*

I don’t want to be the kind of person who would dictate who someone loves. I want Ris to be happy. I do. The reasonable, non childish part of me acknowledges this. I want them both to be happy. I do. I just, I almost can’t control how much I dislike her. I always end up having meltdowns when she’s over for more than a few hours, or shutdowns. I’ve always felt like a nice person, or at least very kind. But she makes me feel kind of pitiful, and awful, and horrible. And now I can’t even hang out with Doggy, who was one of my best friends far before Elly even came along. Because he loves her so much, too.

And, um, lately I’ve been trying to invite her over to hang out. So maybe I can make her a part of my routine and like her. But she doesn’t even like being around me that much either. She likes having Ris all to herself, too. So it’s like a tug-a-war. I just want to pull her hair out. -.- I know, right? UGH! I could use some advice. Am I really being a horrible person with all of this? I feel like an utter dragon. But, everyone knows these things about me. I do not hide who I am. I’m just… Should I let Ris break up with her? Do you think that would make it better? Or, should I hang in there? I just shudder at the thought of her being in my life more than this. And Ris and I are practically one person, a lot of time. So it’s hard… >.< Anyways, thank you, again, for listening! I’m sorry to rant your ears off. >.>

 

[Naturalist]

Wow, that is really complicated. It is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed and confused.

I often found, as a young person trying to sort out relationships, that it often seemed as if what I wanted and what others wanted were seldom aligned, and I never knew whose priorities should be prioritized! One problem, though, which you now have an opportunity to circumvent is the potential for your friendship with Rissa to become an obsession. You have already recognized this problem, which is good, so try to make that your focus--because I have found that all the other details will sort themselves out eventually, in ways you can't imagine or anticipate, and the best chance you have of things working in your favor is to address the above underlying problem. That is what you have control over.

I would do this by trying to find advice and assistance from an uninvolved, unbiased party: a relationship counselor (and preferably one who understands ASDs). If you can't find someone who is familiar with the needs of individuals on the spectrum, ask about OCD or codependence, because the obsessive tendencies of those individuals can be similar (which is why so many of us get incomplete or improper diagnoses). Not that you have either of those necessarily, but it might give the therapist a point of comparison, so you need to emphasize that you aren't suggesting those as diagnoses, but as points of reference. I would also choose a counselor who DOESN'T diagnose... it just muddles the issue, because psychiatrists seem to want to solve things by prescribing medications, when sometimes you just need to talk with someone who can give you a better perspective. And then, be honest about your needs, concerns, and tendencies, so that the counselor can give you sound, reliable advice. If the person has experience with ASDs or is willing to educate themselves a little, they might also work with you and your boyfriend so that he knows how to help you in a meltdown, and so that you become comfortable with his help instead of Rissa's.

My feeling is that if you have another person on whom you can rely for support, you won't be so "needy" with regard to Rissa, and your friendship might actually become better for it. It sounds as if she is a very caring individual and is torn between two friends who both need a lot of caring. Taking steps to care for yourself will earn you her respect and appreciation.

Speaking from more than a little experience, because I was pretty obsessive with my own relationships when I was younger. The obsessiveness comes from anxiety, so if you can ease the anxiety, you will reduce your "neediness" with respect to others.

 

[On the Inside]

I agree about the anxiety and "neediness". I never thought of myself as needy, I am able to go weeks without having meaningful contact with anyone, but I do enjoy interacting with others, regardless of where they are coming from. I never thought that I had a problem with this until fairly recently, when I realized I have had people in my life who I was very dependent on socially and emotionally. It has caused a lot of grief.

There was one particular long term relationship that was quite complicated, somewhat like what you describe.

But the anxiety of the after effects of spending time with people was what really gets me. I have a lot of uncertainty about my relationship with others, it all seems so tenuous. I have been getting effective treatment for anxiety and things have gotten better. There is a lot to work through though, but I have 20+ years on you, so if you can get help soon on this, you won't develop as much baggage.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I have a friend who has lived with her lifelong friend and her husband for nearly two decades, until the marriage broke up. So it can be done, and it doesn't matter a whole lot what other people say about it, unless they're asking useful questions, and withholding their judgments about how life "should" be lived. Frankly, if three consenting adults want to live together, why not?

There are a few why nots, though.

Emotional menage a trois is almost as risky as a sexual one. How is your jealousy over the "other" loved one going to improve if they're also under your roof? That's actually a high risk factor for domestic violence (physical and psychological).

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote a play called No Exit, in which a thief, a lesbian, and a woman were in a prison. The lesbian yearned for the woman, the woman yearned for the thief, and the thief yearned for the lesbian. (The prison is unlocked, but they never get out, because they're obsessed with their triangle.) Your situation is a little different, but I see some of the same dynamics.

I really like what Naturalist said: "I would do this by trying to find advice and assistance from an uninvolved, unbiased party: a relationship counselor (and preferably one who understands ASDs). If you can't find someone who is familiar with the needs of individuals on the spectrum, ask about OCD or codependence, because the obsessive tendencies of those individuals can be similar (which is why so many of us get incomplete or improper diagnoses)."

 

[angelbread22]

Thank you guys! That’s all really good advice. I think the most complicated thing about my and Rissa’s relationship is that she herself doesn’t want me to depend on her less. *facepalm*

 

[epath13]

I'm just curious. Do you love her as a friend or more? And I've actually met people who are obsessed with their friends like that (with no romantic interest) and they are not on the spectrum. For me it's hard to imagine a situation like that. My childhood friends dropped out of my life (I ended it) and I think this kind of friendship can only exist when you know somebody since childhood or at least since teens (with rare exceptions, I guess). I don't think I could ever experience anything like you do. My husband is my best friend now. But... I did have a friend and I would say, at that time, we were best friends. I met him when I was about 16. I knew I could rely on him and I could drop in, in the middle of the night, and he would always have a bed to sleep in and food to eat for me. We had lots of fun together... but... he completely disappeared out of my life when I got married, didn't even come to our wedding. There're some speculations about his romantic feelings, but we talked about it before (sort of) and it was clear that it would be much better to remain friends. Plus I felt he also needed to figure out his true preferences... anyway, he's gone, totally, as if we've never known each other, it's been more than 10 years.
It looks like you truly care about your friend. If you have romantic feelings for your friend, it may become much more difficult but not impossible to maintain friendship. If your feeling are purely platonic, take it slow. Be honest to yourself about all the feelings and thoughts: negative and possible. And try to be open to your friend's new life, inject yourself slowly into it and I'm sure, in the end, it'll work out just fine

 

[angelbread22]

I have very mixed confused feelings about Rissa. I’m in love with her to some extent. But I also know that those feelings are mostly because she has always been such a large part of my life. I don’t think I can even properly explain how close we are. She’s been my caretaker since I was nine. And even more so now that I’m older. I used to spend half my week at her parents house when I was a child. Even though she’s not much older than me, she’s like an older sister. And a mom. And a best friend. And sometimes a lover. All mixed into one. >.< I know that sounds strange to most people. I think it makes it more difficult because I often have still have the maturity of a child. I just… don’t grow up? Soooo, it isn’t even me trying to inject myself into her new life. But her dragging Elaine into ours. >.< But! I don’t want to be this jealous. And I don’t like disliking people. And I just want everyone to be happy. *huffs*

 

[epath13]

I have very mixed confused feelings about Rissa. I’m in love with her to some extent. But I also know that those feelings are mostly because she has always been such a large part of my life. I don’t think I can even properly explain how close we are. She’s been my caretaker since I was nine. And even more so now that I’m older. I used to spend half my week at her parents house when I was a child. Even though she’s not much older than me, she’s like an older sister. And a mom. And a best friend. And sometimes a lover. All mixed into one. >.< I know that sounds strange to most people. I think it makes it more difficult because I often have still have the maturity of a child. I just… don’t grow up? Soooo, it isn’t even me trying to inject myself into her new life. But her dragging Elaine into ours. >.< But! I don’t want to be this jealous. And I don’t like disliking people. And I just want everyone to be happy. *huffs*

It does sound complicated. But, in my opinion, in any situation the only solution is to make a decision and stick with it. If you've told her about all the conflicting feelings and she still wants to be with another woman, then maybe it's time to move on. Also... maybe she doesn't like uncertainty... I don't know. In any case, just wanted to tell you, in rare cases families with 3 partners may work. I don't believe it's for everybody, ego, personal boundaries, jealousy, inability to cope may stand in the way but it can work. I've met a family like that (2 women and 1 man), and according to the woman who talked about it, they were happy. I don't remember if one woman was bi, or one was gay and another was bi... I don't know what your social norms are but it all can work out as long as there're no collision between every party's wants and needs.
And I know, for a person on Autism spectrum readjustment may seem very difficult, almost impossible but once you get into a new rhythm, everything will flow naturally.

 

[paloftoon]

What I notice in your initial post angel is that you like routine like most of us on here. However, I feel that you seem to like it to the point that intrudes on others' lives and even your own, and not necessarily in a positive way in this case. Rissa needs to decide herself how she's going to handle her emotional situations. Emotions are not predictable or routine. She has to figure that out herself. Unless she is asking you for advice, don't try to give her any. You can still hang out with Rissa whenever you both have time, but you should look for other options too. We all want someone or a few people that we can depend on, but sometimes we have to struggle through these changes too. We have to decide when enough is enough, or if it's worth to put up with someone else's quirkiness or rudeness or not. Are we getting paid for doing this or that? I think given that Rissa is involved with significant others, since you don't get along with those she has chosen, Rissa (and that person's partner) are not able to include you as a hang out friend or someone you can rely on when trouble may be amiss. Sometimes, the best we can do in life is to get a bit lucky or to have one person for this and another for that.

I do have to wonder if maybe you don't realize it, but maybe you aren't getting along with Rissa's significant others because of the fact that they have become significant others and not because of personality conflicts?

Since you have a boyfriend, this is the person you want to try to be on the same level with. This is the person whom both you and him want to depend on each other. If you do something with Rissa when she has a significant other, it should be that you invite her significant other and your boyfriend to the outing as well. A relationship with a significant other in our society should take precedence over a friendship, no matter how long that friendship has been. It doesn't mean that those friendships that were developed should completely disappear, but there becomes a fine line between friendship and being with your significant other. So, the easiest thing to do is to include everyone involved so that it is not you attempting to hog too much attention with RIssa. Rissa could also be telling you that you are the most important thing to her (at that moment) because maybe her relationship is/was shaky at that time, or she is concerned about your well-being and wants to help you not go over the edge. At the same time though, she doesn't want to disrespect her feelings with her significant other or offend you, and she may feel in the middle. Don't push her away, but it is time to move on and search for new, wonderful opportunities with boyfriend and other interest groups.