My aspie bf

[BraidedPony]

Having these long talks in public over coffee doesn’t sound that Aspie to me. He may be doing something else, as you suspect.
Sorry, but I’m not optimistic about the relationship. He seems happy while you are miserable.

 

[Katie andrews]

He tend to be so quiet and never ever argue if i go crazy over the best friend thing and the next day he would be all sweet as if nothing happened the night before.. he sent me multiple essages this morning both on text and messenger but im way too hurt to even bother to reply i invested too much in our relationship and i always put him on priority... i do research on gifts for him for special occasions..like i bought him this really expensive chess pieces coz he loves chess. I bought him a very expensive weighted cooling blanket to help with his tossing and turning at night. I know he does the same for me but i dont know if i can go on with this relationship anymore. So im giving myself time to mourn over a love i thought would last. It is so painful and hard to let go but i realized at the end of the day my well being amd peace of mind matters too.. thank you guys for the enlightenment.

 

[BraidedPony]

You are young and pretty so look to the future and find a man that is faithful. There are nice guys out there that will treat you with loving respect.

 

[Tom]

There is nothing in his double standards behavior towards you explained/justified by autism.

 

[paloftoon]

Especially after the cheating, it's not okay for this particular girl to be around your boyfriend except when you are there. That is the only exception you can and should make given the context. If not, move on.

 

[Ylva]

Yeah, now I agree with Isadoorian. This sounds like an abusive relationship. You said you believe in second chances, but this is his third. Cheaters will always cheat. I also wanted to be forgiving, and I forgave someone who cheated on me. I forgave him 13 times in total. I think you should stop at two. This ain't a contest.

But I'm sorry that you love him, because from what you've said, he sounds quite awful.

I too have continued a relationship with someone who cheated on me continuously and continued to see her because I too still loved her; and believe me when I say this: It. will. not. change. I should have stopped after the first time it happened as I too believed that it would stop and it didn't. It even went to the point where I wanted to kill myself in order to have her see what she was doing was wrong.

So, I'll say it again: if you value your mental well being, you should stop seeing this person because they are emotionally manipulating you and it will not end. Also, having seen your recent message just now, marriage will not stop this from happening either. It will not be the solution and it will cause more harm than good, especially if you decide to divorce in the future.

Okay, so despite everything that came to light as I read on in this thread, I am not convinced of this. Maybe it is usually true, but sometimes people gain insights and chamge their behavior.

At any rate, you won't accomplish that by lying at home crying. For all you know that's why he does it. If leaving him is too inconvenient, what would happen if you just stopped giving a sht? Maybe his ex doesn't and that's why he's into her.

Just speculating.

But you say he's autistic, and in my experience autistics aren't as fond of doing emotional labor as allistics/neurotypicals. The men aren't even that good at it because it's often never been demanded of them day after day since they were considered old enough to interact with other children.

And maybe there's a tiny glimmer of hope in that you can explain it to him in rational terms without getting emotional. You might want to practice first. And I recommend reading a book by Albert Ellis, who wrote a lot of books about not making a big deal out of things.

Best of luck.

 

[JDShredds]

Oof. Well this is all close to home. But rather than tell my story (exhausting) I'll just say I've walked this road.

The fact that he's cheated before was information you should have led with, because that changes the dynamic here significantly. The reason is this: Those on the spectrum can be more likely to maintain such "inappropriate" yet truthfully platonic friendships, especially since we are usually so brutally honest and loyal to a fault. But knowing he's crossed the line multiple times before... that changes everything. The whole "aspie" excuse is out the window.

While I don't buy the line "once a cheater, always a cheater," I will say... tread carefully. And you're not married, so you're not tied down as much. When I dealt with this, I was married, owned a home together, all the in-laws and friends were all happily intertwined for a decade, I had moved across state lines, etc. The escape was (and remains) so much more difficult than if we had never tied the knot.

Just your boyfriend? Get the hell out of there. It hurts terribly now, I know. I feel for you because I've been there. But you'll thank yourself later. You will love again. For now, take care of yourself. Try not to make a bad situation worse.

 

[Katie andrews]

I broke up with him today. I dont know whats going to happen. He said he never loved anyone in his life before the way he loved me because we have a strong connection. I will be hypocrite if i say i am okay coz i am definitely not. I used to be so sire of my goals in life but i jist felt so lost and alone without him. We made so many beautiful plans together and for the times he was there to put up with all the BS in our relationship, he still has my heart. I dont know if i would love another soul the way I loved and treasure this man. It is very painful and i dont know how to stop the pain and the idea of losing someone who has been a part of you for almost four years.. every corner of my room i would see his face, his gifts...his presence.. when i hear the racing cars speed by my house..it reminds me of him and his sports car.. i need a long vacation away from everything.

 

[tducey]

Cheating and jealousy are 2 of the bigger red flags in any relationship. It's your life of course but I think I'd leave this situation if I were you.

 

[Katie andrews]

Update: he is insisting of meeting up tonight to patch things up and to make up for what he did. Movies.. a fancy dinner at a steak restaurand and a long talk about what happened coz he wont accept the break up. Im turning my phone off and sleep the night away. I told him outright he cant have us both in his life and if he chooses her friendship im stepping away and build back my life without him in the picture. I am not just ready to talk yet. Thats just my nature when im hurting and upset i shut myself out rather than snapping back and saying something i would regret later..

 

[MeghanWithAnH]

Update: he is insisting of meeting up tonight to patch things up and to make up for what he did. Movies.. a fancy dinner at a steak restaurand and a long talk about what happened coz he wont accept the break up. Im turning my phone off and sleep the night away. I told him outright he cant have us both in his life and if he chooses her friendship im stepping away and build back my life without him in the picture. I am not just ready to talk yet. Thats just my nature when im hurting and upset i shut myself out rather than snapping back and saying something i would regret later..

Stepping away instead of snapping back is definitely for the best. People are rarely proud of things they did in anger or grief once they've calmed down enough to think clearly.

The problem with him wanting to make things up is that it still doesn't sound like he realizes what's wrong with what he's been doing. Some people do stay friends with their exes, but not after they've cheated, and he definitely can't do that while forbidding you from doing the same thing he's doing. Relationships can't work with double standards or with one person ignoring the effects of their actions on the other. Aspie or not, it sounds like he has some serious growing up left to do, and it's not your job to hang around miserably waiting for him to do it.

 

[Katie andrews]

Yes, that’s what i want him to realize.. maybe he is used to the fact of me getting upset and will forgive him the next day. I cant help it..sometimes i think i am way too harsh to myself for being so forgiving. On the other hand.. i get upset and forgive but i never forget and i keep everyrhing boiling up inside me till i explode like a bomb.. this is one of those days when i can say i have enough and im so ready ro burn bridges and move on..afterall(i think its his lose not mine) just kidding..

 

[Adora]

Yes, that’s what i want him to realize.. maybe he is used to the fact of me getting upset and will forgive him the next day. I cant help it..sometimes i think i am way too harsh to myself for being so forgiving. On the other hand.. i get upset and forgive but i never forget and i keep everyrhing boiling up inside me till i explode like a bomb.. this is one of those days when i can say i have enough and im so ready ro burn bridges and move on..afterall(i think its his lose not mine) just kidding..

I think you have done the right thing,by the sound of it he will try and manipulate your feelings and maybe play the victim but it’s good that you are keeping distance,don’t be too hard on yourself about being kind hearted and forgiving,I am similar and I know it can be both a good and bad thing just don’t let him take advantage of your forgiving nature he doesn’t deserve it and he has been given too many chances already.

 

[VAW]

Hi everyone! I am an NT currently in a long term relationship with someone on the spectrum. He is high functioning, very smart, very creative and sweet. He is also an artist and into home remodelling and a very good chess player. We have been thru a lot in the past years. Oir source of arguments and fights is his ex for 5 years/best friend. They are still close and would occasionally meet up for coffee or drinks. I am trying to understand and dont hinder into their friendship but it is destroying me inside coz im am very jealous of her. I just dont understand why they could remain as friends and he thought it is not a big deal but i try to make him understand that him spending time with her just crushes my heart to its core. His bestfriend/ ex doesnt even like me as well sothe feeling ia mutual. I cant understand why he can have keep her as a friend but im not allowed to talk to my ex nor jave a male friend. I am just so frustrated and hurting..

I am no expert but I can give you a piece of advise my husband's aunt gave me long ago, and that was....you have to ask yourself Can I accept this, if you can then accept it and quit complaining , if you can't accept it then move on. Kind of upset me at the time but the longer I thought about it the more I thought it was right. Either It is going to bug me for the rest of my life (my case wasn't cheating) , unless I accept it and don't let it bother me, however if it is going to bother me then I won't really have piece of mind and will be in turmoil all the time inside. and that turmoil can destroy you from the inside out. What I would do is talk to him but it sounds like you have... and if he wasn't willing to give you 100% then it isn't worth it. There will always be doubts, and always be turmoil in your heart. and who needs that?

 

[Katie andrews]

My heart is weary, my soul so sad
My eyes are teary, my feelings so mad
My sanity got crushed, my core hurts so bad
I just cant comprehend nor accept the closeness u two have.

My feelings in full rage, she pose as a threat
I wanted to calm down down & accept it yet she goes in my head
She gives me nightmares when i lay down on my bed
How come i get ignored? Been two nights of never ending tears i’ve continously shed?

Where’s the love & assurane when i need it the most?
Why’d you keep your distance, so confused, alone & so lost
I thought you said i will always be number one to you?
Why am i so alone? Drowning in this unfathomable pain all because i love you,,, Thought i might share the poem i scribbled.,

 

[VAW]

My heart is weary, my soul so sad
My eyes are teary, my feelings so mad
My sanity got crushed, my core hurts so bad
I just cant comprehend nor accept the closeness u two have.

My feelings in full rage, she pose as a threat
I wanted to calm down down & accept it yet she goes in my head
She gives me nightmares when i lay down on my bed
How come i get ignored? Been two nights of never ending tears i’ve continously shed?

Where’s the love & assurane when i need it the most?
Why’d you keep your distance, so confused, alone & so lost
I thought you said i will always be number one to you?
Why am i so alone? Drowning in this unfathomable pain all because i love you,,, Thought i might share the poem i scribbled.,

This poem really shows how you feel inside, I think we have all been there. I lived with my ex for 20 some years and lost 20 years of my life being mentally abused and having my children mentally abused. I regret that! Inside I was so torn apart, always second guessing myself so as not to be yelled at or have him make me feel like trash. He had good points also and I held on to the good points until the bad points were too unbearable to live anymore. My body was physically taking a hit! I felt bad all the time and it destroyed a lot inside me, and yet I took it, I had 5 kids and really didn't know how to get out of it and didn't want to break up the family until I saw my 6 year old up in the treehouse crying, I said what's wrong? and he said nothing, I said Was it Daddy? Did he yell at you again and he said maybe, I told him I would fix it all soon (which meant we were leaving him) his answer to that was when I get older I am killing him. The funny part is he wasn't always like that, but I did see those tendencies that I ignored because he had the good points too. Don't ignore this, if it makes you feel bad now, it will get worst later. Love shouldn't make you feel bad. That son has ASD and recently his girlfriend has stopped talking to him and has moved in with someone else, he is devastated and really is giving up on life. She has cheated on him and yet he would never think of hurting her feelings or cheating on her by even talking to other women and that is what he got from being faithful to her. AND he still wants only her after all that. It makes me sad to see that.

 

[Katie andrews]

This poem really shows how you feel inside, I think we have all been there. I lived with my ex for 20 some years and lost 20 years of my life being mentally abused and having my children mentally abused. I regret that! Inside I was so torn apart, always second guessing myself so as not to be yelled at or have him make me feel like trash. He had good points also and I held on to the good points until the bad points were too unbearable to live anymore. My body was physically taking a hit! I felt bad all the time and it destroyed a lot inside me, and yet I took it, I had 5 kids and really didn't know how to get out of it and didn't want to break up the family until I saw my 6 year old up in the treehouse crying, I said what's wrong? and he said nothing, I said Was it Daddy? Did he yell at you again and he said maybe, I told him I would fix it all soon (which meant we were leaving him) his answer to that was when I get older I am killing him. The funny part is he wasn't always like that, but I did see those tendencies that I ignored because he had the good points too. Don't ignore this, if it makes you feel bad now, it will get worst later. Love shouldn't make you feel bad. That son has ASD and recently his girlfriend has stopped talking to him and has moved in with someone else, he is devastated and really is giving up on life. She has cheated on him and yet he would never think of hurting her feelings or cheating on her by even talking to other women and that is what he got from being faithful to her. AND he still wants only her after all that. It makes me sad to see that.

Bright eyes bright smile
It lights up within a mile
Smiling face while the heart is bleeding
A happy face though her heart is broken.

A perfect smile hides the struggle
A funny joke hides a losing battle
A beaming face hides her pain
Every achievement at work hides a mind half insane.

Confidence she wears hides insecurities
A friendly facade hides a mountain of anxieties
She never felt she have something she can call her own
She loves the crowd yet inside she always felt so lost & alone.

She thought she had a king by her side
How come she feels he is the reason of her downfall, her personality start to subside,
She sulk in loneliness once more
Blaming herself feeling she could never do anything but wrong.

Now she doesnt even know if she can save her broken soul.
She blamed herself feeling like a big fool
She carry the guilt of him feeling so down
She's a disaster and in misery she deserve to drown.
Scribling poems help me cope..

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Now she doesnt even know if she can save her broken soul.
She blamed herself feeling like a big fool
She carry the guilt of him feeling so down
She's a disaster and in misery she deserve to drown.
Scribling poems help me cope..

You forgot the last happy verse :

She felt like a fool,but he was a tool,
Despite feeling sad, she knew he was bad.
She found a new path, re-learning to laugh,
He was not a man,but a boy, but she found a new joy...

A new plan,a new life, an evil smile, a carving knife..


Wait ! It's going wrong, I'll leave the poems to you

 

[Katie andrews]

You forgot the last happy verse :

She felt like a fool,but he was a tool,
Despite feeling sad, she knew he was bad.
She found a new path, re-learning to laugh,
He was not a man,but a boy, but she found a new joy...

A new plan,a new life, an evil smile, a carving knife..


Wait ! It's going wrong, I'll leave the poems to you

Thank you u made me smile.. im a hopeless poet..lol

 

[Ken S.]

The men aren't even that good at it because it's often never been demanded of them day after day since they were considered old enough to interact with other children.

Really? Because I can show love and compassion better than my NT father. It is something I learned from my aspie mother.