My aspie bf

[Katie andrews]

Hi everyone! I am an NT currently in a long term relationship with someone on the spectrum. He is high functioning, very smart, very creative and sweet. He is also an artist and into home remodelling and a very good chess player. We have been thru a lot in the past years.

Oir source of arguments and fights is his ex for 5 years/best friend. They are still close and would occasionally meet up for coffee or drinks. I am trying to understand and dont hinder into their friendship but it is destroying me inside coz im am very jealous of her.

I just dont understand why they could remain as friends and he thought it is not a big deal but i try to make him understand that him spending time with her just crushes my heart to its core. His bestfriend/ ex doesnt even like me as well sothe feeling ia mutual.

I cant understand why he can have keep her as a friend but im not allowed to talk to my ex nor jave a male friend. I am just so frustrated and hurting..

 

[Fino]

Do you not trust him?

Why are you not allowed to talk to your ex or have a male friend?

 

[Isadoorian]

Do you not trust him?

Why are you not allowed to talk to your ex or have a male friend?

When it comes to romantic relationships many insecure and manipulative people, be it female or male, will isolate their Partner from others of the opposite sex (in the OPs case other Men) out of non-trustworthiness and paranoia due to past incidents, especially incidents of cheating, and they believe future partners will do the same to them as the previous person did, thus attempting to manipulate, control and isolate their partners from their available friends and often times family of the opposite sex.

@Katie andrews you may not agree with me on this, but I see this as a giant red flag. No matter how much you love this person, you MUST leave the relationship, because I guarantee you this will not end well if it continues on like this.

 

[Katie andrews]

Do you not trust him?

Why are you not allowed to talk to your ex or have a male friend?

I trust him.. i dont trust his ex even his therapist told him that she might still have feelings for him because one time i sent her a message and i told her that i dont like her being so close to my boyfriend and she flipped out on him and threaten to end the friendship. My ex would randomly like my pics or send me sine private message on fb and he doesnt like that he said i need to block him amd i did coz i care about his feelings. I have a friend that sonetimes would give me a ride home and my friend is my bestfriends lil brother and she would tease me to him and my bf didnt liked it and now i am not allowed to ride in my friends car and i gladly obliged coz i dont want him to get hurt . I just want gim to be more sensetive about my feelings. I am so upset tonight coz he said they are having some coffee after work and that it will just be for an hour or so.. i tild him to pur his locations on and he did but its been three hours and he is not home yet. I askes him when is he gonna be home all i get is a short reply soon. I told tried calling but he did not pick up which really upsets me and i asked him why didnt u pick up the phone? And i hate that i felt he is protecting his feelings. And randomly when we are together she texts and he replies which makes me mad and i told him he cant communicate with her while he is eith me coz it hurts me and he is very good with that part recently. Call it woman’s intuition but i really think she is a threat to our relationship and i always hated her guts. I sent him a rude text and as usual he stays quiet and would never reply.. which makes me lay in bed crying and hurting. I wish he would reach out and apologize for hurting my feelings. No matter how he assures me that she is just a friend it just wouldn’t sink in..

 

[Katie andrews]

When it comes to romantic relationships many insecure and manipulative people, be it female or male, will isolate their Partner from others of the opposite sex (in the OPs case other Men) out of non-trustworthiness and paranoia due to past incidents, especially incidents of cheating, and they believe future partners will do the same to them as the previous person did, thus attempting to manipulate, control and isolate their partners from their available friends and often times family of the opposite sex.

@Katie andrews you may not agree with me on this, but I see this as a giant red flag. No matter how much you love this person, you MUST leave the relationship, because I guarantee you this will not end well if it continues on like this.

I really love him so much..he cheated on me twice in the past but i forgave him the problem is i cant forget what he did resulting to doubt him from time to time. I understand that trust is very important but i also believe in giving second chances... i dont know.. i am sad frustrated and confused.. my heart hurts too..

 

[Fino]

Yeah, now I agree with Isadoorian. This sounds like an abusive relationship. You said you believe in second chances, but this is his third. Cheaters will always cheat. I also wanted to be forgiving, and I forgave someone who cheated on me. I forgave him 13 times in total. I think you should stop at two. This ain't a contest.

But I'm sorry that you love him, because from what you've said, he sounds quite awful.

 

[Katie andrews]

When im hurting i do a lot of research and try to understand how to communicate with him effectively..he spoils me with gofts and genuienly loves my 6 year old daughter.. in defense to him being awful i could say he is not that bad.. he helped me thru a lot and our intimacy is quiet phenomenal.. he seemed to not like touch from other people but my touch like rubbing his arm calms him down when he has so much anxiety in a crowded place.. when i first met him he was bot working but since i tild him i want a very responsible guy.. he got himself a job and i seem to inspire him to do more art. He recently surprised me with a portrait of my daughter that he drew as a birthday gift.. we have been together 4 years and im really hoping we will end up in marriage..

 

[Isadoorian]

I really love him so much..he cheated on me twice in the past but i forgave him the problem is i cant forget what he did resulting to doubt him from time to time. I understand that trust is very important but i also believe in giving second chances... i dont know.. i am sad frustrated and confused.. my heart hurts too..

I too have continued a relationship with someone who cheated on me continuously and continued to see her because I too still loved her; and believe me when I say this: It. will. not. change. I should have stopped after the first time it happened as I too believed that it would stop and it didn't. It even went to the point where I wanted to kill myself in order to have her see what she was doing was wrong.

So, I'll say it again: if you value your mental well being, you should stop seeing this person because they are emotionally manipulating you and it will not end. Also, having seen your recent message just now, marriage will not stop this from happening either. It will not be the solution and it will cause more harm than good, especially if you decide to divorce in the future.

 

[Fino]

And I did try to kill myself. And the person was also amazing, similar to how you describe, during the times he decided to be that way. Those things do sound wonderful, but cheating even once is inexcusable.

Imagine all of the hundreds or thousands of tiny actions it takes to do that, all the while aware of what is happening in terms of morality, and yet they continue, talking to her, moving towards her, touching her, going into her and out of her and into her over and over again, all with no regard for his commitment to someone else. Twice, for now. How is that okay?

And I haven't seen how Autism is relevant at all in this case.

 

[Bolletje]

I see two red flags here.

1) the cheating. It’s nice that you have chosen to forgive him, but if you’re still this insecure I wonder if the relationship can be salvaged
2) the jealousy. I get that it’s probably caused by lack of trust due to #1. But if you’re so jealous and insecure that you can’t have your boyfriend hang out with his ex, who he has every right to be friends with, I wonder if your relationship can be salvaged. Unless she’s one of the people your boyfriend cheated on you with, you have no right to ask him to stop being friends with her.

I get it, I really do. I have a boyfriend that cheated on me in the past, and although we have moved on, it still hurts and I still take a magnifying glass to his friendships with other women. But I can’t forbid him from hanging out with them. The moment I can’t trust my boyfriend around other women is the moment the relationship is dead to me.

 

[Fino]

I see two red flags here.

1) the cheating. It’s nice that you have chosen to forgive him, but if you’re still this insecure I wonder if the relationship can be salvaged
2) the jealousy. I get that it’s probably caused by lack of trust due to #1. But if you’re so jealous and insecure that you can’t have your boyfriend hang out with his ex, who he has every right to be friends with, I wonder if your relationship can be salvaged. Unless she’s one of the people your boyfriend cheated on you with, you have no right to ask him to stop being friends with her.

I get it, I really do. I have a boyfriend that cheated on me in the past, and although we have moved on, it still hurts and I still take a magnifying glass to his friendships with other women. But I can’t forbid him from hanging out with them. The moment I can’t trust my boyfriend around other women is the moment the relationship is dead to me.

That was my first thinking, but him partaking in the behavior he's forbidden is hypocritical and abusive.

 

[Katie andrews]

Yes the reason why i dont like him around her is at the start of our relationship he told me they have broken up long before he met me only to be shocked after 6 months of being together this bestfriend/ex sent me a message asking me to take off my profile pic because it is inappropriate.. its just our hands holding together and told me that they have neen dating for years. I told her i dont need to explain myself coz she doesnt know me and vice versa.. so yeah he lied.. he dated me and pursued me while they are still together.. thats why i distrust them hanging out together.. i just wanted some input on how the aspie mind works. I still see a gleam of hope about us being together but it just destroys my sanittwhrn they hang out.. i guess im a complicated person..

 

[Katie andrews]

I mean it destroys my sanity

 

[Bolletje]

If he dated you while they were still together he just seems entirely untrustworthy. He’s hurt both of you unnecessarily. This isn’t an Aspie thing, it’s a scumbag thing. I’d advice you to cut your losses and move on.

 

[Katie andrews]

Thank you for the input guys.

 

[Isadoorian]

you're most welcome

 

[Mary Lyn]

For a first move, I advise insisting that you can do what he does and see past bf's. If he makes a fuss get out of there.

 

[Suzanne]

Aspie or not, doesn't matter. He is showing gross disrespect to you and in truth, you should say straight up to him that it is either her or you?

The fact that she does not like you, shows that she cannot be trusted and even if he is honerable, the fact that he is ignoring you, shows that he rather keep seeing her, even if it is just friends.

 

[All-Rounder]

I think this man is dangerous, and so is his ex. Quit playing with them, cut all contact and surround yourself with friends to help you move on and find someone who loves you, not just pretends and uses you and takes advantage of your kind heart.

Aspies can be good at mind games, so best to never see them again and have anything to do with them for revenge or in hopes something will change.

Times and times you showed how his behavior bothers you so dont wait around keep asking for an answer when its obvious he wont do it. Youll only get more hurt.

You cannot demand anything from a partner, you have done all you could by asking for consideration. When he doesn't care, it's time to go because there are no feelings there for you. Its as good as no relationship. Its full of lies.

 

[Adora]

Your boyfriend is dishonest and also a hypocrite,it seems like it’s ok for him to see his ex but if you dare to interact with the opposite sex then watch out,i believe in treating others like you want to be treated and your boyfriend is not giving you that consideration,regardless that he is on the spectrum he is still a dishonest and disloyal person that if you decide to stay with him you will never be able to fully trust him and that he will erode your self esteem and mental health,I know it’s very difficult but I think you need to cut ties with him because he is taking advantage of your good heart which doesn’t deserve this treatment and he will suck you dry,so for your health please consider what is best for you because and while I don’t know you I still believe you deserve to move on and eventually find someone you can trust and not cause anguish in your life.