Meeting the family

[May Black]

This question is directed mainly to the NT-Aspie couples around, though I appreciate any input.

How do you deal with meeting your NT partner's parents, siblings etc?
Do you have any useful tips for me?

I took my boyfriend to meet my family for the first time, and it didn't go particularly well. I planned it so that there wouldn't be too many people at once and made sure to give him breaks during the day, but he hardly spoke to anyone. My family is rather social and entertaining, and joke a lot, he'd smile sometimes, but never really went on with it the way he does with me or his friends. He was having a flue during his visit, but generally other than needing rest more often I had never noticed any change in his behavior when he's ill.

It saddens me, those are some of the most important people in my life, and while I can accept that he's really not particularly interested in meeting them, and that it doesn't mean he doesn't care about me, I know they were very eager to meet him. I can see how much effort they put into trying to make a connection where he comes across as bored and uninterested. I played most of it off as him having a flue, but it's been the same with my friends in the past and I'm concerned that it won't work any better next time. They didn't dislike him, but my dad outright told me I was crazy and it would never last, though he could see I was happy right now. It's difficult for me to explain to them why they shouldn't worry, if he cannot be the man he's with me even around them.

I guess, overall it went about as poorly as I expected. It could have been worse, I was hoping for better. I'm not sure he understands why this is actually a problem for me. I found myself completely drained at the end of the visit, I had no patience left for him, I was so angry I didn't even talk to him at the airport.

 

[The Penguin]

Sorry about you experience.

I once dated someone in Sweden. I live in Canada. We meet online. After speaking for 8 months we decided to meet in person. I would be staying with her at her parents house. Interesting both her parents and her trust me to visit even though we never met prior. The first visit did went well.

I know not everyone will have a great experience like me. All I can say I wish the best for you.

 

[Peace]

Love is beyond all things, and if it is meant to be, it will.
If it were me, first I would be honored that you cared so much, but I would want to know. I would hope that you explained in a clear, direct way how you felt and what your negatives and positives were.
It sounds as though you have a kind, supportive family. Take what good you can and run with it.
May you have a wonderful day.

 

[Judge]

This sort of reminds me when I went with my girlfriend to visit both her mother and ex-husband during Christmas. I was so stressed. So overwhelmed. With no one to discuss it or explain it. I was trapped in my own world that at the time I could not understand.

There's a photograph that was taken that night. I looked like a deer in the headlights instead of guy who had a girlfriend who simply adored me at the time. I threw it all away the next day and dumped her. The one thing in my entire life I wish I could have taken back. But at the time, putting me into such social situations was simply a recipe for disaster.

It also took me a while to understand how emotionally fragile I could get during the holidays. For me it's simply a time to remember when my father died...and how it impacted every Christmas to come.

Socialization comes so easy- so naturally to NTs. For some of us Aspies though, in the wrong time and the wrong place with the wrong people it can be like climbing Mount Everest. Even as I type this I feel disturbed that there's no real way to explain it in a way to get people to really understand it. Leaving me feel badly about myself and those that I hurt in the process.

 

[Ylva]

Strangers are strangers. When you get to know them they are not. Not everybody will give you that chance because, I guess, they want to feel like you are have always known each other from the first meeting.

Also, and I mention this just in case; people who are loud are people it's impossible to respond correctly to. I go blank and try not to feel assaulted (because I don't think they mean it that way) and that literally all I can do. There is no way I can respond with facial expressions or unscripted dialogue because my brain is in panic mode.

 

[Sky123]

My dh is not good socially and in the end I just got used to it. People take him as he is. I know exactly what you mean though. I'm sure there was a lot of pressure around that meeting. Once they get to meet him a few times it will probably get better

 

[Ste11aeres]

I get anxious when in groups of people I don't know, and then I become unable to talk. It's not a matter of "not being interested" in them, or in meeting them, but it might appear that way.

 

[Sky123]

We have been together nearly 30yrs so it can work out. I think the trick is to not take each other too seriously.

 

[May Black]

Thank you everyone for the kind responses. It really made me feel a bit better and gave me a lot to think about.

Also, and I mention this just in case; people who are loud are people it's impossible to respond correctly to. I go blank and try not to feel assaulted (because I don't think they mean it that way) and that literally all I can do. There is no way I can respond with facial expressions or unscripted dialogue because my brain is in panic mode.

My brother can be rather loud, but I don't think that's problematic in any way. I'm fairly loud if I'm excited and forget to control my voice.

Socialization comes so easy- so naturally to NTs. For some of us Aspies though, in the wrong time and the wrong place with the wrong people it can be like climbing Mount Everest. Even as I type this I feel disturbed that there's no real way to explain it in a way to get people to really understand it. Leaving me feel badly about myself and those that I hurt in the process.

Thank you so much for your reply. I wish I could understand. I do accept that it is the way it is, I just can't grasp the level of discomfort it causes him.

My dh is not good socially and in the end I just got used to it. People take him as he is. I know exactly what you mean though. I'm sure there was a lot of pressure around that meeting. Once they get to meet him a few times it will probably get better

He's gotten significantly better around my best friends, he has a funny way of noticing silly things in his surrounding, which is really entertaining and kind of a good substitute for small talk. I could even send him off alone with one of my girlfriends when I was at a meeting. I did prepare my family for him being a bit quiet and odd, my father required a list of things he eats, and bought more or less everything on it, he wanted to know what questions not to ask, it's just really hard to explain it's not what you're asking. He was perfectly capable of explaining to my step mother why he doesn't like fiction, which was something I considered rather surprising and personal.

 

[Sky123]

Sounds like you have a really lovely family. I would just maybe give them more opportunities to meet and let them find their own relationship with each other. Sometimes it is really easy to want to ''manage" interaction to make sure everything goes smoothly. I don't mean in a controlling way but getting stressed about how people are getting on. I think they will find their own way if you provide opportunities for them to get together. Yes there may be hitches along the way but I'm sure they will see the good qualities that you see once they get to know him.

 

[May Black]

Sounds like you have a really lovely family. I would just maybe give them more opportunities to meet and let them find their own relationship with each other. Sometimes it is really easy to want to ''manage" interaction to make sure everything goes smoothly. I don't mean in a controlling way but getting stressed about how people are getting on. I think they will find their own way if you provide opportunities for them to get together. Yes there may be hitches along the way but I'm sure they will see the good qualities that you see once they get to know him.

I think in a couple of days when it's a little less infected we'll be able to look at it and come up with things we could have done better. At least we didn't end up arguing, and despite all the stress managed to have some good time.

 

[Sky123]

I do give my dh tips sometimes but am very careful not to come across as nagging or overloading with info (I know I have done both in the past!). Sometimes it has helped to laugh off some things that previously would've caused upset. For example if he has come across as rude without realising eg someone asks him how his day has been and he answers quite abruptly and bluntly instead, as most people do, and sugar coat it by just saying 'fine' whatever it has been like. I used to think it was rude and feel sorry for the person who asked him now we can sort of make a joke about it and next time he will try to think before he answers. it is usually something minor we can use humour. The same when I do something that he picks up on. In the early days though we did have a lot of fall out over things like that.

 

[Sky123]

He has got loads better over the years. Btw, not saying I am perfect and I'm not criticising him just that I usually cope better in social situations. he has lots of skills that I don't have....it's give and take and appreciating and respecting your differences, which it sounds like you are already doing

 

[May Black]

We were friends for several years before we became involved, so we had all our bad arguments during this period. We hardly even argue anymore even though I can be pretty hard on him. I think he knows that it's essentially because I love him and want him to get by well in the world regardless if I'm a part of his life or not. I appreciate him the way he is, I have no desire to change him, I just want to teach him to deal with the world as well as he possibly can, if that makes any sense.

 

[Sky123]

Yes it makes total sense to me! He is really lucky to have you. I really hope my ds meets someone like you when he is older who is willing to put so much thought into the relationship and guide him when he might be struggling in situations. I also think it is good that you know your partner is asd so you can understand things and see things from his perspective.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I'm don't really date, so i doubt i can be of much help but i'll put in my two cents anyways. Is this the first time your boyfriend has met your family? Just from an aspie's perspective in general, everyday life, meeting a group of new people (especially in a new setting) is more uncomfortable than i really know how to describe. I would feel anxious because i don't know these new people and spend way too much of the time focusing on trying to interpret their behavior. Are they just being polite? Are they genuinely interested in whatever they're asking about? How am i supposed to respond and not make a fool of myself doing so? If its jokes i tend to freeze cause i dont know how to react to them. If anyone talks to me i just panic inside and usually say some sort of scripted answer and probably end up looking uninterested doing so cause its scripted not a real answer or a real conversation. So i usually just sit and remain in the background and end up bored.

 

[May Black]

Yes it makes total sense to me! He is really lucky to have you. I really hope my ds meets someone like you when he is older who is willing to put so much thought into the relationship and guide him when he might be struggling in situations. I also think it is good that you know your partner is asd so you can understand things and see things from his perspective.

He has never been diagnosed, but his problems really scream ASD, food structures, fabrics, melt downs, shut downs, social behavior, the way he talks, the way he thinks, once I noticed the patterns and started treating his behavior based on that, our relationship got much better, so I just keep doing it, since it works. The more I learn about ASD, the more he makes sense to me.
In both of my longer relationships in the past my partners complained that I analyzed everything. This is the first time I am free to put in as much thought as I need and want into a relationship. I really hope your ds will find someone that will care about him.

I'm don't really date, so i doubt i can be of much help but i'll put in my two cents anyways. Is this the first time your boyfriend has met your family? Just from an aspie's perspective in general, everyday life, meeting a group of new people (especially in a new setting) is more uncomfortable than i really know how to describe. I would feel anxious because i don't know these new people and spend way too much of the time focusing on trying to interpret their behavior. Are they just being polite? Are they genuinely interested in whatever they're asking about? How am i supposed to respond and not make a fool of myself doing so? If its jokes i tend to freeze cause i dont know how to react to them. If anyone talks to me i just panic inside and usually say some sort of scripted answer and probably end up looking uninterested doing so cause its scripted not a real answer or a real conversation. So i usually just sit and remain in the background and end up bored.

This makes a lot of sense to me. He doesn't really seem to get distressed, or doesn't tell me he does, which is also possible, he told me he has absolutely no interest in talking to strangers and I accept that. He doesn't know them, thus talking to them bothers him on some level I cannot relate to. If pushed into answering, he might say something rather arrogant or even mean to get out of the situation. He told my brother there was absolutely nothing interesting about him when he kept asking about his interests, which every one took as a hilarious joke, while it really only was an escape maneuver.

 

[SyAn]

I think in a couple of days when it's a little less infected we'll be able to look at it and come up with things we could have done better. At least we didn't end up arguing, and despite all the stress managed to have some good time.

Sounds like a really stressful and exhausting time for both of you. I remember visiting my NT husband's boisterous family for the first time .
And after knowing them for 20odd years its .
If that makes sense to you?
Once you have had a look at things you could have done better, don't forget to look at the things that both of you did really well

 

[May Black]

Sounds like a really stressful and exhausting time for both of you. I remember visiting my NT husband's boisterous family for the first time .
And after knowing them for 20odd years its .
If that makes sense to you?
Once you have had a look at things you could have done better, don't forget to look at the things that both of you did really well

I'm going to say it definitely does make sense to me.
Thank you, you're absolutely right about the second part as well, we shouldn't focus only on the negatives.