meeting and making arrangements

[teasmade]

I just want to ask anyone who has aspergers

Do you in general ask to meet someone or wait to be asked, told even ?

From your perspective, why is this ?

 

[Slithytoves]

Hi again, Teasmade.

I ask, myself. But a lot of Aspies don't. There are lots of reasons. I'll mention just a few. Some of us aren't very good at reading the signals we're getting from interested parties, and it makes us hesitant because we don't want to find out we were mistaken in our impressions. A lot of Aspies are introverts and shy or asocial (not the same thing), so they don't feel comfortable initiating things. And just like with NTs, Aspies/Auties who are underemployed, depressed or feel they have little to offer a new friend or dating interest may fear rejection.

We get a lot of questions here from NTs who are confused about inaction on the part of an Aspie or Autie they like. The best advice is to be prepared to take the lead, but be very clear in your communication and don't pressure. Also keep in mind that you may not see the kind of enthusiasm you're used to from another neurotypical person. It doesn't mean there is none. We just don't always let it show.

 

[teasmade]

Thanks Slithytoves x

 

[King_Oni]

I tend to initiate contact most of the time. I usually text friends to ask if they wanna hang out or go somewhere, but sometimes... I get a text from them. Guess the thing is there's no set guideline for when I want to meet someone. On average I see an aspie friend of mine once every 2 days (and meet up with him, go sit in the park, have a chat, something along those lines), sometimes it's 3 days, sometimes 4 or more... but I have no real guideline for when I will text him (unless I told him I'd text him in X days), and thus sometimes he reaches out to me instead.

 

[Spiller]

I just want to ask anyone who has aspergers

Do you in general ask to meet someone or wait to be asked, told even ?

From your perspective, why is this ?

I have a tendency to wait to be asked as I feel I may be bothering/pestering at an inappropriate time, or because that person has seen enough of me for now.. based, I'm sure, on my own low self esteem, as well as inability to understand social conventions.
I recently got on friendly terms with my neighbours and was invited for a cup of tea "Any time". Now, factoring out the hours of, say 10pm to 6am for sleep, 6am to 6pm for work, 6pm to 8pm for food and ablutions, that leaves 10 hours during the week minus at least 50% as they may not want to see me every day.. and this is only my guess as to their routinue. Weekends are so chaotic as to be beyond consideration.
Hmm, no, seems to me that, paradoxically, waiting for an invite is the only realistic and safe way to go if I want to maintain a friendship.. how NT's manage and what rules they apply to do so is completely beyond me!

 

[Suzanne]

I tend to be the one who waits to be asked and I believe at last I have discovered the reason and off all things, it is due to me not being mobile and thus, I feel an inconvenience.

Well, that is soon to be changing. I must say: SOON rather than: hopefully, because it is imperative that I do become mobile and feel so sure that when I am, I will happily ask people to meet me etc etc

 

[Shawn D]

I usually wait to be asked, mostly because getting together with others to socialize is not high on my list of priorities. It's also because I find maintaining friendships exhausting.
I don't have many girlfriends. I have none that I see or talk to regularly.
When I was still working before I had my daughter, my husband encouraged me to make more friends. I started talking to a co-worker in another department who was pregnant, thinking, "well, I'm trying to get pregnant, so we sort of have something in common". We tried five times over the course of several months to meet up with her, only to have her cancel at the last minute. She initiated most of those attempts, including inviting me and my husband over for dinner, only to cancel within hours. She always had some excuse and I found out from another co-worker that this woman was a flake. (Well, duh).
After I left work for good, being 8 months pregnant myself, this woman texted me out of the blue a tremendous rant accusing me of "talking ****" about her to others at work, saying that I called her a ***** among other names. Flabbergasted, I calmly replied that I didn't know what she was talking about (which I didn't; I never made chit-chat with my co-workers, let alone about someone else.)
This turned into a back and forth of me responding rationally and her going off on me in what were nothing short of thesis-length tirades of manic babble and name-calling.
Deciding that this insanity wouldn't stop, I stopped responding and told my husband, "THIS is precisely why I don't try to make girlfriends." Women are drama and I want nothing to do with it.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm a guy and I wait for the most part. In fact, all my relationships and most of my "just dating" experiences have been the result of me waiting. Even my friendships have largely formed by my being invited along.

I have very little sense when someone is being welcoming and inviting to me, just don't see it. The times that I've given into the internal pressure to introduce myself, or make a move, have generally been disappointments, ie. my feelings for them were out of step with how they felt about me, and I have had trouble reconciling that. That internal pressure is the result of waiting and wanting something, but putting it off until I just have to do something about it, then it comes across too strong, I guess.

I internalize rejection, not just with romantic interests, but with friendships as well. As Spiller said I don't want to be a bother or inconvenience anyone, and I need strong signals of acceptance and interest, or that I have something to offer or I'll just let things go by the wayside.

 

[teasmade]

Very informative and enlightening, thanks On the inside, I have offered help to him concerning his issues but as always he is struggling by himself as he always has done, why won't he accept friendship and a listening ear, advice, why does he push everyone away, not just me but friends and family too?

He has said in the past how he does not have many friends or family in touch, its not that they have given up on him, he has pushed them away!

 

[On the Inside]

Not taking the initiative in a relationship and pushing people away are different things. I have difficulty in initiating and maintaining contact, but when people contact me or ask me to do something, I accept for the most part. Not sure what to say about someone pushing people away, that points to a different problem.

My dear departed uncle was a very secretive person. Wonderful guy, he enjoyed getting together with people, but he never let any of us within blocks of where he lived, much less into his apartment. When someone would be picking him up to go somewhere, or dropping him off it was at a neutral location, or a few blocks away, he wanted to walk the rest of the way. So he was kind of a hybrid, accepting and pushing away. I think I'm a bit like that too. It's not wanting to inconvenience people, and being somewhat uncomfortable having people getting too close.

There was a time, after I got divorced, where I had a bit of a backlog of things that I wanted to do, and I wanted to do them by myself, unhindered by anyone else and their needs and wants. I would often arrange to meet up with people, or take up invitations, but for the most part, I didn't stay in close contact with anyone. This was at a time where there were things going on in my extended family, deaths, illnesses, relationship splits, marriages. While I attended the various functions, I guess I wasn't "there" for people (not that I ever really was) and my aunt asked me why I had abandoned the family. I was caught off guard by this, I was just doing my own thing, but then, my family has a bit of a history of people kind of disappearing for awhile. Some of us like alone time, so I think she was just worried that I was drifting away.

 

[paloftoon]

I have to initiate most of the time and I hate it, because many people don't reciprocate well at all.

 

[Spiller]

Very informative and enlightening, thanks On the inside, I have offered help to him concerning his issues but as always he is struggling by himself as he always has done, why won't he accept friendship and a listening ear, advice, why does he push everyone away, not just me but friends and family too?

He has said in the past how he does not have many friends or family in touch, its not that they have given up on him, he has pushed them away!

I think, if this were me, it may be the result of a lifetime of being hurt and ignored by others.. the defense mechanism I've built up over the years is, I guess, to shut everyone out although, until recently, I didn't realise that that was what I was doing.
Actually, I want to explain about shutting people out a little better.
I think I just don't know how to let people in as I'm not used to doing that and, on the few occasions I have (with a partner, say), I've always been hurt and that makes it all the harder to let someone else in, much like an automatic flinch reaction.
I can only imagine that from the outside, from other peoples' perspective, it looks like I'm intentionally shutting them out as this is the only reason they're used to applying to this behavior.
I suppose the only way to get past this is to try to talk frankly about it, have a lot of patience and provide a lot of reassurance, just as we would with a person or animal who's been abused in the past - I see no difference, really, I think many people with AS/ASD have been abused for much of their lives, intentionally or not.

 

[tachyon]

There was a time, after I got divorced, where I had a bit of a backlog of things that I wanted to do, and I wanted to do them by myself, unhindered by anyone else and their needs and wants. I would often arrange to meet up with people, or take up invitations, but for the most part, I didn't stay in close contact with anyone. This was at a time where there were things going on in my extended family, deaths, illnesses, relationship splits, marriages. While I attended the various functions, I guess I wasn't "there" for people (not that I ever really was) and my aunt asked me why I had abandoned the family. I was caught off guard by this, I was just doing my own thing, but then, my family has a bit of a history of people kind of disappearing for awhile. Some of us like alone time, so I think she was just worried that I was drifting away.

On the inside that reads like we've travelled in parallel universes