Married Men: Tell Me About Your Wedding

[Ella Spell]

This is for men only.

All the hype is on women and their weddings.
I've always wondered how men and especially autistic men felt about their wedding day.
Men in same-sex marriages and men who are engaged can answer too.


Types of things I'd like to know:

What was your wedding like, and was it what you would have wanted?
How much of the planning did you do?
What did you wear?
Did your spouse look amazing or just regular?
How many people did you invite?

I always wonder what grooms really think when they see their bride's dress, or all the fuss.

Any memories or anecdotes would be welcomed!

 

[VictorR]

I hope it's okay fine for me to answer though I don't see myself getting married (never say never, though)

I would be okay with either no event, or a small one - maybe 15-20 people total, so it's kind of more like a party. Could be held at a park or even at someone's home if they have the space to accommodate - no need for anything formal.

I wouldn't mind them dressing up, but not to the point that they look like someone totally different.

To throw a big wedding seems overwhelming in terms of time and money, and coordination / commitment needed from others, especially for multi-day events, destination weddings, or where many guests may otherwise need to travel.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

We planned the wedding together did it on the cheap, few hundred guests. did not get into debt. made a couple of minor mistakes. Wanted real cake they put hard icing which had to be peeled off before the cutting ceremony. Marie did not like one of her friend's boyfriends did not invite her which caused some friction. things we did right included.
inviting all my cousins even the ones out of country,

Currently offered to help my son plan his wedding, no need to do a keep up with the Jones type wedding.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Weddings are about the ceremony religious and the socializing after dancing and drinking. Since we are both from the country, we had a country wedding. local ladies supplied the food and did the cooking. sort of like a barn raising
Father in-law paid for booze. wife bought formal dress she liked. not a wedding dress I rented suit similar colour to her dress.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Mine was super casual and very private, as we only invited close family. No big ceremony or reception, either, which is pretty much exactly how we wanted it from the very beginning.

Whenever an ex would talk about the hypotheticals of a huge wedding or really mundane details that definitely wouldn't impact the relationship one way or another, it would always make me feel a little gross. I knew my wife was my soulmate because most of our wedding talks revolved around commitment and trimming the frills instead. I don't remember what we even wore, I just remember knowing that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.

I still don't understand the idea behind a huge wedding, it seems like a weird flex to me.

 

[1ForAll]

This is for men only.

All the hype is on women and their weddings.
I've always wondered how men and especially autistic men felt about their wedding day.
Men in same-sex marriages and men who are engaged can answer too.


Types of things I'd like to know:

What was your wedding like, and was it what you would have wanted?
How much of the planning did you do?
What did you wear?
Did your spouse look amazing or just regular?
How many people did you invite?

I always wonder what grooms really think when they see their bride's dress, or all the fuss.

Any memories or anecdotes would be welcomed!

1. What was your wedding like?

Very peaceful. It was a late April spring, sunny day at a reserved botanical garden place in western New York with a gazebo next to a garden trail with pond and ducks near. It was what her and I both wanted, with our favorite sentimental, wedding type music playing on CD we created together. The wedding occurred across the border just weeks after I took her away from her abusive mother in Toronto, Canada where we had mostly a two year live-in relationship there.

2. There was not much planning other than narrowing down the list of wedding spots to the agreed upon choice after visiting each of those places, getting the license, quickly agreeing who would attend and to do the service, and after the talks of where we would go and what we would do after the ceremony (with no church service). And after picking out the cake, the flowers, gifts and other accessories for the occasion, we all were ready within a week to get married, after we knew the date and time for that. We both equally planned for the things mentioned. We figured if we could not agree quickly on those, we likely would not agree on many things in the marriage. Everything worked out well, and to this day more than seventeen years later, we agree far more than not on most things.

3. I wore just a white, long sleeve dress shirt with tie, a watch, and navy blue dress pants and black shoes, as I am not the suit type. I wore thus no coat.

4. My wife wore a pretty, traditional looking wedding gown. She looked very lovely and beautiful in it and was smiling and glowing much that day. She did not even need makeup, and as that is not her anyway. She looks great without that stuff.

5. Attending were my twin brother and my mother, and as they would be the witnesses. We never invited anyone else. My brother took all the photos that day. We trusted him to do a great job there. The pastor guy came too obviously. Moon River and Cannon in D and a few other similar type sentimental songs played on repeat for the ceremony. We wanted the wedding as small as allowed, to have the focus on us and not pleasing many guests. It is not about them!

6. After the ceremony, my wife and I returned to our place that was adjacent to the park, had a pizza and once it got dark we loved walking the trails in the park looking at the stars. It was a really neat night.

 

[Tom]

I wanted as little fuss as possible. Our vacation together afterwards was more important. We were nicely dressed but no gowns or tuxes.

My wife and I were both in the Air Force and stationed in Germany. So we had to do a Justice of the Peace ceremony in German in a tiny german town. A snowy winter's day in a picturesque setting. We just had two friends as witnesses. We didn't even get to say 'I do' Instead the answer was 'Ja'.

 

[Ella Spell]

I love all these posts. Thank you so much.
This is exactly what I expected of autistic men: absolute romance without all the fluff.

Keep them coming!

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Either way 43 years later still married. Looked forward to sons planning 40 but covid wrecked that. Maybe 50th.

 

[Ella Spell]

Congratulations! ^

My parents made it to 47.

 

[Ella Spell]

I wanted as little fuss as possible. Our vacation together afterwards was more important. We were nicely dressed but no gowns or tuxes.

My wife and I were both in the Air Force and stationed in Germany. So we had to do a Justice of the Peace ceremony in German in a tiny german town. A snowy winter's day in a picturesque setting. We just had two friends as witnesses. We didn't even get to say 'I do' Instead the answer was 'Ja'.

If I marry my man I don't want guests either, just one attendant as a witness. Probably his older brother. It would be at night outdoors with candlelight. Maybe at Bolton Abbey.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Never married, but when my father married my stepmother, they just went to the sheriff's office and signed some paperwork. They didn't even tell anyone in either family. I didn't know till he showed me his ring. I think my grandmother might have organized a family brunch in a huff once she discovered her son had married, but the family has weekly brunches anyways, so it wasn't much of a difference from the norm.

That sounds optimal, as I don't like parties or events, and to me, the main purpose of marriage would be for practical reasons/paperwork/etc. This way I also wouldn't need to worry about who not to invite, gifts or expectations. Plus, it's cheap, and I like saving money.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Ella Spell

My wife and I were married in the summer of 1987. It was a few weeks before my 20th birthday. My wife had turned 20 the December before. We were both studying at the university. For the both of us, our parents were in this situation where, according to the government, we didn't qualify for student assistance, yet our parents didn't make enough money to help us. After being together for since the Fall of 1985, we had a pretty good idea that we liked each other. It was not a difficult decision to just get married, become independent from our parents, and we would then qualify for student assistance. It was a win-win for us. I worked a handful of part-time jobs, whatever fit into my class schedules, and she worked weekends as a nurse aide in a geriatric nursing home. The year before we got married, I spent the summer living in her parent's basement, then we rented the upper flat of a house. I think the rent was like $200. Real cheap. She had a rusted out 1975 Plymouth Fury she bought for $500. We had to get a $1800 loan for a 1982 Ford Escort, that the bank was reluctant to loan to us because we didn't have enough income to pay the $60/month payments. We had nothing most of the time, it was a struggle for sure. When it came around to planning for the wedding, she found a beautiful dress at this shop that specialized in used dresses. I think it was only $60, but it looked like it could have been $600. Perfect. I think I paid more for my tuxedo rental than she did for her dress. We booked a time at her family church. We rented the basement of a local restaurant for the reception. If I remember correctly, her parents did pay for the reception. The most expensive thing was the flowers which were about $1000. She had two girls stand up for her. I had two guys stand up for me. No bachelorette/bachelor party. We did ALL the planning even though neither of us had a clue what we were doing. It all worked out just fine.

It was July 11th and was hotter than Hades outside, 95-97* with high humidity. I had about 20 people on my side of the church, she had about 100. Of course, she looked amazing. It was the second wedding of the day for the Pastor, full robes, and no air-conditioning in the church, just a few big ceiling fans to blow around the miserable air. My wife and I were at the alter, he quietly leans over to us, everyone in the church is hot and sweaty, "Can we make this quick?" We both nod yes, and in 20 minutes we were walking down the isle.

We then had about 3 hours to waste before dinner was served at the reception hall. Someone got the idea that we all go back to our hotel rooms, change into something more comfortable, and several people drove the 10 minutes to Lake Michigan to swim and cool off.

At any rate, your question about the dress and how my wife looked: Frankly, well before the wedding, we were married, at least in my mind. The decision was made. There was zero anxiety. It felt right. The wedding was more or less a formality. With that in mind, of course seeing her in that beautiful dress, all made up, was something to behold and appreciate. However, I would have been every bit as happy with going to the Justice of the Peace and signing papers with no ceremony, at all. That said, weddings are often a dream of many young girls and there is a sense of tradition behind them, so I was perfectly fine with respecting that.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

MY brother a fellow Aspie got a civic marriage as close to dec 31 as possible to get a tax break got married in a formal Chinese wedding the following summer to keep her relatives happy. I was best man had no clue what was going on.

 

[Ken]

I was married in 1996.

Lead-up to meeting my wife:

I always thought I was “normal” while at the same time knowing something was very, very wrong, though I had no idea what it was. Didn’t know I was autistic until 2016 at the age of 64. I always just thought I was “defective.”

I never had a real date in my life. In my 40’s, I once went on a date from a dating service. That was a traumatic failure. Heavy emphasis on Traumatic. Made me certain that any love life for me was not possible. All my life, all social reactions towards me was typically of revolt and at best, indifference. I felt worse than Quasimodo.

In late 1995 (I was 43), I lost my job (long a story about that). I built a Frankenstein computer out of scavenged parts and got online. This was about the time that America On Line (AOL) came into being with an on-line real-time “chat room”. Typing only, no voice, video or pics. I got a simple typing course pamphlet and learned to type. I started conversing in the AOL chat room with several people. Like here only live. Over a few weeks, they started dropping off with the exception of one. Our chats got longer and longer lasting for hours – extending through the evening, night and into the mornings. After a couple of months, she said she wanted to come for an in person visit. She lived about 400 miles away. This was shocking to me. I was terrified. I knew the visit would be a devastating rejection. I decided she had to know more about me. I told her about my social anxieties, my traumatic experiences, my extreme sensitivities, my PTSD’s, my chronic awkwardness, my medical issues, etc, etc. She still wanted to come. She came for a weekend visit. She returned again the next weekend – with furniture. She moved in. Less than a year later, she bought a bigger house and we moved into it. Then in December 1996 we got married.

The Wedding:

I couldn’t get over how impossibly unlikely it was that anyone could like me much less want to marry me. So, I decided to put on a play as part of our marriage ceremony. The play theme was that her kiss transformed me from a toad into a real person. At least, that’s how I felt at the time.

I built a podium for the minister, but it was actually for me to hide in. Heidi (my bride) picked up the large stuffed toad, said her lines and kissed the toad. She then placed the toad behind the podium. I then came out of the podium, dressed in a tux, to present her with a glass slipper. I was to tell her that her kiss transformed my life, but I froze up solid. Heidi got all her lines perfect and tried to fill in for me. I’m still disappointed that I botched my play.

I planned the wedding and wrote the play.

There were some family and friends. More family showed up than I imagined. Probably as many as 10 and about as many friends.

The wedding took place in the living room of our new house.

Did your spouse look amazing or just regular?

She was beyond amazing. She was fairytale level beautiful.

Still, 27 years later, I cannot look at this picture without crying.

Heidi is a miracle for me. She is an NT and my social buffer. Still can't imagine why she is still with me.
Always know that fairytales can happen, even to hopeless toads.

The AOL typing chat room was the key. We have both admitted that if we had met in person first, we would have never gotten together. We had to get to know each other with our words only. My appearance and mannerisms would have killed it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Sounds like you had a down-to-earth and community-driven wedding – love the country vibe! It's the personal touches that make it truly special.

I went to a number of country wedding my wife's cousins and sister based ours on this model for our couple of weddinging's this year too expensive so uncles and aunts only invited told son we could put together a country wedding with his cousins not like my family of wife's family as we had numerous cousins.

 

[Alexej]

..She still wanted to come. She came for a weekend visit. She returned again the next weekend – with furniture. She moved in. Less than a year later, she bought a bigger house and we moved into it. Then in December 1996 we got married.

I love this bit of the story. SO much said in so few words.

May you and Heidi continue to be blessed