Limits to Empathy

[Gerald Wilgus]

Or, I wonder why I let myself get triggered?

I thought I have been making progress, but am a little disappointed in myself. Tonight I was watching a news segment about schoolchildren having a hard time after COVID social isolation, the increase in suicides, and the mental health assistance that is being provided to them. You would think that after my experiences that I would have sympathy towards them. But, no. I thought of them as weak, mewling, useless creatures that should be provided with no help.

As a child and teen, I had tried to tell people about my loneliness and the only message I ever received was "deal with it." So, it always came down to me and I learned that I could never expect understanding and support from anybody. I found myself hating those children, thinking that no resources should be wasted on them and that, if they don't like social isolation, they need to adapt or good riddance.

What is wrong with me that I would hate those children receiving appropriate help?

 

[Misery]

In this specific case, it could partly be the news itself to blame.

Those programs are not designed to inform you. They are very literally designed to make you feel negative emotions and anxiety and such yourself, because that drives views, and views drive ad exposure. And that means profit, which is the one and only thing they ACTUALLY care about.

Which sounds really cynical, but no, that's actually what they do. That's why it's all negative, all the time (and in many cases, not even accurate). And it can lead to desensitization, anger issues, and a tendency towards conflict with others, among other things, for the viewers.

I always tell people to just dump the news... this is one of the reasons why.

Maybe it's time to inject some more positivity into your day instead? It could improve your outlook, and thus, your views and thoughts about others.

 

[Thinx]

The views that were expressed to you were not the views of people in a caring society, they sound more like the views of people intolerant of distress in others and dismissive of different people's needs.

The film triggered you into an old pattern that you are learning to rethink. Perhaps the children reminded you of your vulnerability as a child and young person, and the way you learned to deal with it from others, which was intolerance and dismissiveness. It has been a well worn path, takes a while not to walk it, especially when triggered.

But the new path reasserted itself in your further consideration, so stay on that and forgive yourself a lapse, like people motivated by caring and a recognition of different needs in others, do.

 

[Darkkin]

The fact that you are consciously questioning your reaction is hugely telling in a good way. Conscience-wise your brain is telling you the feeling is wrong. The flawed human element of resentment is present in a residual format. (Thinx's path allegory). Triggering happens. It is not a lapse in judgement or succumbing to an addiction again. Bad Guy Level Zero.

Like Po we have a tendency to be hardest on ourselves.

 

[Misery]

Like Po we have a tendency to be hardest on ourselves.

I'd just like to second this.

I do this to myself all the time, and I dont know why. And I know a lot of people on the spectrum seem to have the same habit.

We're all our own worst critics, is the version of the phrase I'd always heard.

So, @Gerald Wilgus , please try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm sure it's just a passing thing. You always seem like such a nice person to me when I see your posts on here.

That's all I'm going to say for right now, my everything hurts, I'm going to bed.

 

[AprilR]

I also feel the same way sometimes, when i think of my childhood years. Like "i had to endure worse, this is nothing." Its not a good feeling and i hate when it happens.

But this just means you are feeling sad for not getting the help you needed. You don't have anything against those children at all. Don't be hard on yourself like others said.

 

[Knower of nothing]

It's the lapse in desired behavior that provides us the reality-check that we are still in the midst of improving. You caught yourself. You understand. It's basically weight-training, keep it up.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Or, I wonder why I let myself get triggered?

I thought I have been making progress, but am a little disappointed in myself. Tonight I was watching a news segment about schoolchildren having a hard time after COVID social isolation, the increase in suicides, and the mental health assistance that is being provided to them. You would think that after my experiences that I would have sympathy towards them. But, no. I thought of them as weak, mewling, useless creatures that should be provided with no help.

As a child and teen, I had tried to tell people about my loneliness and the only message I ever received was "deal with it." So, it always came down to me and I learned that I could never expect understanding and support from anybody. I found myself hating those children, thinking that no resources should be wasted on them and that, if they don't like social isolation, they need to adapt or good riddance.

What is wrong with me that I would hate those children receiving appropriate help?

You might be suffering from being an "old fart", as well. We grew up in that generation. "Stop being a cry baby!" I was told several times growing up, "Only girls cry,...so stop being a weak little girl." "Be strong!"

You know, when our parents and grandparents lived through WWI, the Great Depression, WWII, the Korean War, and us through the Vietnam War, etc. We had one car, a small house, shared a bedroom, we solved conflicts with our fists, a rifle openly displayed in the window of our pick-up trucks (even in high school), we were outdoors from dawn to dusk (we weren't allowed in the house unless it was raining),...and even then we put on our bathing suits and played outside during a summer lightning storm...LOL! We openly joked about racial groups, ethnic groups, gays (there were no lesbians...LOL!), the "Truly Tasteless" joke book was a #1 best seller for pre-teen boys growing up, and we knew at least a dozen derogatory slang terms for every group of people who weren't us,...and it was normal, everyday conversation. There was no such thing as "being offended",...that's all a recent cultural development. If you wanted something, you worked for it,...and competition was a necessity,...only one winner,...no second place trophy in life. It was a whole different world. The underlying theme of our childhood was "only the strong survive",...and truly, that was our truth for generations. So, there is that to consider when we see what appears to be "weakness" in others,...there is that mental conflict with regards to empathy.

I think too,...with that as your "foundation",...AND you are seeing the cultural rise of the "woke left",...it really pushes the older generations towards the "right" with their thought processes.

@Gerald Wilgus,...I am with you, brother,...it's a mental exercise to pause a moment to take in perspective and context, before opening one's mouth.

 

[LadyS]

We're all impulsive creatures. But we're also reasoning ones too. The fact that you were able to reason with yourself and question your reactions shows that you don't have a limit on your empathy at all. A lot of us need to 'undo' a lot of pre-configured habits from our much younger formative years, myself included. It's not our fault. I grew up with the same exact mentality taught to me, also being poor 1st generation immigrants where we had to just 'tough it out'.

Empathy is very much a brain exercise that needs to be worked at. Empathy shouldn't be judged by your initial reactions but also all that comes after it. The best people are the ones who can grow with change in my opinion.

 

[Aspychata]

Hey. You felt they have so many things handed to them. I had to work for everything as a kid. But then everyday was an experience. I didn't live in a cocoon. But the kids today can't step outside of themselves without a phone telling them what to do. It can be difficult to understand the younger generation. I get that.

Maybe your frustration boiled up into hate. And maybe you were triggered by something kid related. Maybe you just were having a bad day. Maybe for a minute you truly didn't care. You are human. Bad thoughts don't turn u into a bad person. It's only when we act on bad thoughts. That's what's separates us from others.

It sounds like you have some different things going on in your life, and could just feel emotionally overwhelmed and zero empathy, like just being a empty hole is all you can muster. Just be the best at that then. I don't know what do you think?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You might be suffering from being an "old fart", as well. We grew up in that generation. "Stop being a cry baby!" I was told several times growing up, "Only girls cry,...so stop being a weak little girl." "Be strong!"

You know, when our parents and grandparents lived through WWI, the Great Depression, WWII, the Korean War, and us through the Vietnam War, etc. We had one car, a small house, shared a bedroom, we solved conflicts with our fists, a rifle openly displayed in the window of our pick-up trucks (even in high school), we were outdoors from dawn to dusk (we weren't allowed in the house unless it was raining),...and even then we put on our bathing suits and played outside during a summer lightning storm...LOL! We openly joked about racial groups, ethnic groups, gays (there were no lesbians...LOL!), the "Truly Tasteless" joke book was a #1 best seller for pre-teen boys growing up, and we knew at least a dozen derogatory slang terms for every group of people who weren't us,...and it was normal, everyday conversation. There was no such thing as "being offended",...that's all a recent cultural development. If you wanted something, you worked for it,...and competition was a necessity,...only one winner,...no second place trophy in life. It was a whole different world. The underlying theme of our childhood was "only the strong survive",...and truly, that was our truth for generations. So, there is that to consider when we see what appears to be "weakness" in others,...there is that mental conflict with regards to empathy.

I think too,...with that as your "foundation",...AND you are seeing the cultural rise of the "woke left",...it really pushes the older generations towards the "right" with their thought processes.

@Gerald Wilgus,...I am with you, brother,...it's a mental exercise to pause a moment to take in perspective and context, before opening one's mouth.

I get it about becoming conservative in our thinking. I have fought against that all my life and am probably more progressive economically but socially am not liberal when it comes to either believing things unexamined or accepting the lack of individual responsibility. The left can sometimes be co-opted as can be seen in the Depp/Heard trial. She has done a disservice to women with her lies, counting on the socialization that prevents men from acknowledging their abuse openly.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Hey. You felt they have so many things handed to them. I had to work for everything as a kid. But then everyday was an experience. I didn't live in a cocoon. But the kids today can't step outside of themselves without a phone telling them what to do. It can be difficult to understand the younger generation. I get that.

Maybe your frustration boiled up into hate. And maybe you were triggered by something kid related. Maybe you just were having a bad day. Maybe for a minute you truly didn't care. You are human. Bad thoughts don't turn u into a bad person. It's only when we act on bad thoughts. That's what's separates us from others.

It sounds like you have some different things going on in your life, and could just feel emotionally overwhelmed and zero empathy, like just being a empty hole is all you can muster. Just be the best at that then. I don't know what do you think?

After those feelings and while I wondered why I was not worthy of help at their ages, I thought that I was very fortunate to have the discipline to be able to help myself past my social difficulties.

 

[AprilR]

^Just bc you didn't get the help you needed doesn't mean you weren't worthy. I think every person is worthy of support and help. Life just doesn't give everyone what they deserve.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

On the topic of "empathy fatigue". I believe we all may have experienced some degree of this phenomenon during the recent CoVID-19 pandemic. Certainly, as a health care worker,...this is a very real thing.

The “Double-Edge Sword” of Human Empathy: A Unifying
Neurobehavioral Theory of Compassion Stress Injury
Soc. Sci. 2015, 4, 1087–1117; doi:10.3390/socsci4041087

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

On the topic of "empathy fatigue". I believe we all may have experienced some degree of this phenomenon during the recent CoVID-19 pandemic. Certainly, as a health care worker,...this is a very real thing.

The “Double-Edge Sword” of Human Empathy: A Unifying
Neurobehavioral Theory of Compassion Stress Injury
Soc. Sci. 2015, 4, 1087–1117; doi:10.3390/socsci4041087

I could very well imagine this in terms of COVID. It must be galling to have a good knowledge of public health for an aerosol virus and the stupidity of many in denying even simple measures to combat a very injurious disease.