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Large age gap relationships

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Misty Avich

I prefer to be referred to as ADHD
V.I.P Member
I'm 33 and my husband is 61. Every sexuality must be approved of these days except relationships with an age gap this large. It seems people are still allowed to judge and stigmatise it.

While I don't get offended by people's opinions on this, I do feel it should be accepted just as much as gay couples are accepted. Why is it so bad for two consenting adults with a lot of years between them to date each other?
To add the stigma even further, I met him when I was 24, meaning he was 52.
 
I think it's really just the couple's choice and fine if they are happy together. When the subject comes up I always think about Bogey and Bacall. She was 19 and he 44 when they met and married a year later. It was a successful relationship and lasted until he passed away.

bogey.jpg
 
I am 57 and my wife 40. We met when I was 40 and she 23. Age made no difference for us as we both looked and appear very young anyway in many ways. Even if we looked or acted our ages, neither would care, as she liked I was older and had more mature views and selfless demeanor, and as age is just a number to me, as I look beyond looks and age and focus on personality and character compatible traits.
 
I doubt there's anyone relevant in any country legislating to try and make your marriage illegal or strip you of any associated rights, so that's a much lesser layer of discrimination.

But most people will hold opinions, almost always completely unnecessary ones, about everything they come across. And there's at least a logical train of thought there that relationships with significant age gaps are possibly more likely than average to be unhealthy one way or another.

Having said, who cares? as long as everyone involved is an adult and can reasonably consent, that's their problem., from what I've seen many marriages are absolute disaster, age gap or not, but you just can't do something that's outside the norm and not expect that many people will single it out, not because it's a rational or sensible thing for them to do but because they're humans. And most humans are dumber than a bag of rocks and obsessed with having an opinion on everything anyone else does, that's just the reality of it.
 
Since l am dumber than a bag of rocks as it was suggested , l will just keep my opinions and my rocks to myself. Or perhaps l could learn to juggle. Yes, only said in jest.
 
Swansong said:
most humans are dumber than a bag of rocks and obsessed with having an opinion on everything anyone else does
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I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

Misty Avich said:
relationships with an age gap this large. It seems people are still allowed to judge and stigmatise it
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That sucks. I know two couples who have about 20 years between them. They both seem to have really strong relationships that work well.
 
Misty Avich said:
I'm 33 and my husband is 61. Every sexuality must be approved of these days except relationships with an age gap this large. It seems people are still allowed to judge and stigmatise it.

While I don't get offended by people's opinions on this, I do feel it should be accepted just as much as gay couples are accepted. Why is it so bad for two consenting adults with a lot of years between them to date each other?
To add the stigma even further, I met him when I was 24, meaning he was 52.
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Things I wish people would remember and respect when it comes to acceptance of others:

1. People need to mind their own business when it comes to others and stop volunteering their opinions. Some need a little reminder: "Nobody cares. Shut the heck up! ;) You're not that important."
2. When it comes to our lives, we need to stop putting value in the opinions of strangers who have no understanding of the situation. You don't need their approval.
3. When we want your opinion, we will specifically ask for it. Otherwise, see #1.
 
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It's the internet. It's a forum. 99% of it will always be opinions. Mine is that per this situation, maturity is what should matter first and foremost. Only if there was some grooming kind of thing going on is when I would feel sketchy about it. Yes, it takes two to tango, but grooming or conditioning is absolutely a real and horrible thing that people have done to others throughout history. It's not cool. I will never support, approve or condone it.
 
Sometimes people get confused, and I understand that can cause people to become rebellious against accepting something that confuses them. Like when I talk about his kids, who are adults, people who aren't aware of the age gap will say ''how can his kids be adults if you're only 33?'' without considering that not everybody's partner is exactly their age and that there is a possibility that he may be older than me lol. So then I have to keep explaining, and then put up with any stigmatised reactions.
I don't mind people asking questions or even saying it confuses them or that they wouldn't want a partner that many years older than themselves. When a cousin of mine broke up with a man who was twice her age and then dated a man only 10 years older than herself, she said ''that is much better'', then realised what she said and apologised, because of the age gap in my relationship. I said it's fine and that I knew what she meant, she meant that the smaller age gap is better for her. It's fine, people can say things. But when people start calling it ''creepy'' and ''disgusting'' and asking ''why don't you go out with someone your own age?'', I feel it's the same as asking a gay person ''why don't you go out with someone the opposite sex?''
 
Yeshuasdaughter said:
You're in your thirties, and he's in his sixties. I don't think there is a social stigma. I mean, people will tease. But of course they will. The ruggedly handsome old guy got the pretty young woman. How lucky is that? It sounds like you were a mature woman when you met.

However, even if they are both adults, if the younger person was emotionally immature, and it was an issue of grooming, I would like that older person get the punishment that is due.

But if they have both have had the adult years necessary to mature, and have established their adult lifestyles before meeting, I don't see the issue.
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You and Dagan are both right. It's disgusting if the older person is just preying on the younger person, using them for sexual exploitation or other unpleasant things like that. That is wrong.
My husband isn't like that. I've been with him 9 years. His first two marriages he had were with women who were narcissistic, lied and cheated on him, and only cared about money, even more than their own children. My husband got his heart broken and his daughter said he suffered a nervous breakdown before because of it, which he doesn't really talk about to me (which I can understand). But when I first told him I had a family and loving parents, I saw his face light up. I don't know why but he must have thought that finding a girlfriend younger, and from a decent and normal background, he felt he could start again. My family accepted him without a second thought, and he is a very decent man. When I first moved in with him he felt terribly guilty because my mother was ill with cancer at the time, so he got me to stay with her every week-end so that I don't lose any precious time with her. Then the covid happened, so sadly I couldn't see my mother any more, only briefly sometimes, and then she passed from cancer just before the pandemic was coming to an end. But he has supported me throughout.
He's never controlled me or exploited me. He isn't immature or pervy. He's happy that he can finally be loved by a woman and live in a relationship built on trust and love. It's not just a marriage, we are soulmates, in a very healthy relationship. The age gap means nothing to us.
 
Do people really think that every lifestyle choice, belief, etc needs to be "approved of"? That's never been the case before, it isn't now and likely never will be. Tolerated? Respected? Acknowledged that others have may have dramatically different opinions, views, practices and beliefs different than your own? Absolutely. "Approved of"?

Is a relationship with a gender age gap a type of "sexuality"?

@Misty Avich What does "approved of" mean exactly in the context of your post?
 
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Magna said:
Do people really think that every lifestyle choice, belief, etc needs to be "approved of"? That's never been the case before, it isn't now and likely never will be. Tolerated? Respected? Acknowledged that others have may have dramatically different opinions, views, practices and beliefs different that your own? Absolutely. "Approved of"?

Is a relationship with a gender age gap a type of "sexuality"?

@Misty Avich What does "approved of" mean exactly in the context of your post?
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I mean socially approved of. Like now that it's more or less a crime to have any opinions against LGBT, the same attitude should be placed with large age gap relationships too, is what I'm saying.
 
There will always be zealots regardless of the ideology who believe that everyone should believe exactly as they do and with the same degree of fervor; however, I think you're confusing tolerance and respect with adoption and embrace of something.

Tolerance and respect: Not intentionally harming another person or another group whose beliefs are different than your own. That doesn't mean you have to be a proponent of said lifestyle; it means we should all "live and let live".
 
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It is beyond me as to why someone would have an issue with your marriage. Considering all of the people who are lonely, and all of the people who endure dysfunctional relationships, there is a lot of misery in the world. I think that any time two adults can find happiness together, should be a cause for celebration, not judgmental naysaying. Sadly, there are some folks who just don't know what to worry about.
 
Yeshuasdaughter said:
I don't think an age gap is a type of diverse sexual orientation. That's borderline suggesting something entirely different. I'm not feelin it.
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Well, no, but it's a relationship type, like polygamy or interracial relationships are.
 
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Magna said:
There will always be zealots regardless of the ideology who believe that everyone should believe exactly as they do and with the same degree of fervor; however, I think you're confusing tolerance and respect with adoption and embrace of something.

Tolerance and respect: Not intentionally harming another person or another group whose beliefs are different than your own. That doesn't mean you have to be a proponent of said lifestyle; it means we should all "live and let live".
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Yes this makes sense.
 
A good friend is 10 years younger than his wife. He adores her and they are doing well, though at 83 she is slowing down.

A great dissapointment of mine was when I was infatuated with the daughter of family friends. She was only 5 years younger than me and I wanted to date her, but my mother made it clear that she was off limits.
 
I'm in favor of the large age gap relationship. Do you want a man to be able to support his own family with his own money? That's not a youth fresh out of high school. That's four years of college, maybe six if he's getting a doctorate, 8 for a Ph.D, and then 4-10 years of career building. So if everything goes smashing for the guy with the bachelor's degree, he's financially ready at 26. For the Ph.D astronomer it might be more like 36.

The worse the economy is, or the larger the family, or the higher the standard of living - the older the man will have to be.
 
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