Large age gap relationships

[Ella Spell]

How is a large age gap a sexuality?

It might be a relationship style, I guess ... but unless that's the sole reason you got together or the reason you are staying together, I think it's rather inconsequential.

You mentioned gay couples being a comparison, but they can have large age gaps too. Gay couples are together, at least in part, because of each other's gender. If those people were to break up they would likely seek new, same-sex partners. If you and your partner were to break up would you both be looking for a large age gap again, as if it's a defining feature of your relationship needs?

I don't get the idea that it is.

 

[Jacks Brain]

There are people who are turned on by age. I've seen a couple examples of it on YouTube. People who are turned on by the elderly look. Now that I think about it, I wonder if there are as many sexual predators working in the nursing homes as in the schools.

 

[All-Rounder]

Sometimes people get confused, and I understand that can cause people to become rebellious against accepting something that confuses them. Like when I talk about his kids, who are adults, people who aren't aware of the age gap will say ''how can his kids be adults if you're only 33?'' without considering that not everybody's partner is exactly their age and that there is a possibility that he may be older than me lol. So then I have to keep explaining, and then put up with any stigmatised reactions.
I don't mind people asking questions or even saying it confuses them or that they wouldn't want a partner that many years older than themselves. When a cousin of mine broke up with a man who was twice her age and then dated a man only 10 years older than herself, she said ''that is much better'', then realised what she said and apologised, because of the age gap in my relationship. I said it's fine and that I knew what she meant, she meant that the smaller age gap is better for her. It's fine, people can say things. But when people start calling it ''creepy'' and ''disgusting'' and asking ''why don't you go out with someone your own age?'', I feel it's the same as asking a gay person ''why don't you go out with someone the opposite sex?''

I'm also in a relationship with an age gap and I had exes with a big age gap, sometimes that was over 40.

I don't see why all the big fuss with choice of partners and friends and I see it as childish stigmatizing and a control of other people's lives and social connections.

I have no problem talking to older people and seeing them as my equal as well as picking up discussions on a higher maturity than I'm expected to. I can entertain and keep up with people who have been through life as well and it's interesting and exciting to learn from them and hear their stories.

 

[Misty Avich]

I've always been drawn to older guys twice my age. Some people are just attracted to people much older than themselves, so I see it as a sexual orientation myself, though some may disagree.
The stereotypical male I'm expected by society to be attracted to is in his 30s, muscular, styled hair with a neat trimmed beard. Yes they are good looking but I've never really been into guys like that. I actually find myself attracted to balding men that are fat and cuddly (but not obese). I even like grey hair. I find men like that cute.

I remember when I was about 14 at school I secretly fancied a male teacher who literally looked about 60, but I was afraid to admit to anyone in case I'd be teased. I used to wonder why I was attracted to such older men.
Also when I was little, before I was old enough to understand feelings of intimacy, I found myself deeply admiring my dad's male friends (even though they were in their 30s at the time but were old men to a 6-year-old). Obviously I didn't flirt or anything because I was too little to understand all that, but I thought they were way cooler than my brother's male friends (and they were socially considered cool). Also I often watched the Carry On movies because I admired the older men acting in them, with that 70s hairstyle that made them look older than what they were.

I never talked about it until I was a teenager and understood the world of love more. That was when I started getting obsessions with men, completely ignoring the boys at school. Well there was one or two boys my age I liked at school but I seemed more obsessed with men.

 

[kenaij]

I mean socially approved of. Like now that it's more or less a crime to have any opinions against LGBT, the same attitude should be placed with large age gap relationships too, is what I'm saying.

I really don't see why the LGBT community is brought into this so much. It actually has very little to do with your situation. Unless we are talking about an adult who is attracted to a child or young teenager being attracted to an adult who happens to be either much older or younger than you is not a specified sexual attraction subgroup. You are just heterosexual who just happens to have a partner who is older.

It is actually a very bad thing it has become more or less a crime to have an opinion against LGBT. Because it is an opinion. And there are very valid opinions against parts of that community. Should I just let people from that community be (if they do not harm anyone else) of course. But it does not mean I cannot have an opinion. Whether others would want to hear my opinion is something else.

And as others have pointed out, as far as I`m aware, there are no countries actively trying to avoid you from being in your relationship. So the comparison could be quite hurtful.

All that being said. If you are happy in your relationship who cares about everyone who has an opinion of you. It is your relationship. You should be happy, others don't have to be happy about it.

 

[Judge]

Interesting comments.

Make me ponder whether or not such sentiments parallel the demise of the "sanctity of marriage". Making considerations of one partner outlasting the other no more significant than the declining number of years people choose to remain married.

In this sense age differences don't seem particularly critical. An acceptance that such partnerships are inherently finite, whatever the conditions may be. That in this life nothing lasts forever, despite religious dogma to the contrary.

If in fact marriage itself is no longer so critical, why should age differences be as well ?

 

[tazz]

it has become more or less a crime to have an opinion against LGBT

Being gay is not a choice. Having an opinion against people because of who they are is a difficult thing to justify in any context.

Should I just let people from that community be (if they do not harm anyone else) ofcourse.

The difficulty there is defining "harm". Some people think I cause harm just by standing next to their kid at the bus stop. They would say "sure, let them be, but let's have separate bus stops for people from that community so they can't harm my kid."

I do feel it should be accepted just as much as gay couples are accepted. Why is it so bad for two consenting adults with a lot of years between them to date each other?

I think this was an unfortunate comparison. But I do get the sentiment. A negative view of large age gap relationships does seem to be a common thing, although by no means ubiquitous. I've certainly heard some negative comments. Progress is being made, very visibly, to dispel the myths surrounding non-straight sexual orientation. I can imagine someone on the receiving end of critical remarks about their age compared to their partner might be upset that no-one seems to be paying similar attention to their situation. I think that was the general gist of the original post, rather than equating sexual orientation and large age gaps. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Personally, I think in future when I hear someone make a snide remark about large age gaps, I'm gonna be more inclined to pull 'em up on it.

 

[All-Rounder]

I've always been drawn to older guys twice my age. Some people are just attracted to people much older than themselves, so I see it as a sexual orientation myself, though some may disagree.
The stereotypical male I'm expected by society to be attracted to is in his 30s, muscular, styled hair with a neat trimmed beard. Yes they are good looking but I've never really been into guys like that. I actually find myself attracted to balding men that are fat and cuddly (but not obese). I even like grey hair. I find men like that cute.

I remember when I was about 14 at school I secretly fancied a male teacher who literally looked about 60, but I was afraid to admit to anyone in case I'd be teased. I used to wonder why I was attracted to such older men.
Also when I was little, before I was old enough to understand feelings of intimacy, I found myself deeply admiring my dad's male friends (even though they were in their 30s at the time but were old men to a 6-year-old). Obviously I didn't flirt or anything because I was too little to understand all that, but I thought they were way cooler than my brother's male friends (and they were socially considered cool). Also I often watched the Carry On movies because I admired the older men acting in them, with that 70s hairstyle that made them look older than what they were.

I never talked about it until I was a teenager and understood the world of love more. That was when I started getting obsessions with men, completely ignoring the boys at school. Well there was one or two boys my age I liked at school but I seemed more obsessed with men.

The stereotypes can be extremely silly and I don't think that people really think them through.

Those are the typical hollywoodian types, lots of fame, not the person everyone would be into.

Your situation from your childhood made me giggle. I think a lot of more mature and more self-reserved females would not look up to noisy teenagers in general but that's just my opinion. I find myself having the same opinion as you have had and I feel like in general people who were more quiet and reserved like I was and were more thoughtful before speaking or some people that I could understand and relate to more. Always so very confused by in the people who were loud and more emotional.

and I still feel that way however I think that people who are extroverts do not necessarily have a behavior that affects me it really depends on the person. There are douchebags and then there are extroverts who are fun to be with. However childish behavior is a different kind of matter. and of course your teenagers would actually display that. That's typical teenagers.

I had a very close relationship with my father I would say however I still have my preferences. He was not kind always but we were the closest.

 

[All-Rounder]

I'm 33 and my husband is 61. Every sexuality must be approved of these days except relationships with an age gap this large. It seems people are still allowed to judge and stigmatise it.

While I don't get offended by people's opinions on this, I do feel it should be accepted just as much as gay couples are accepted. Why is it so bad for two consenting adults with a lot of years between them to date each other?
To add the stigma even further, I met him when I was 24, meaning he was 52.

I don't think it's that people are allowed to stigmatize it I think it's more that people will stigmatize it because that's what people do they have a reason to stigmatize something they will if they don't have a reason to stigmatize something they will find one. Bullying behavior quite popular today especially with the comfort of anonimity online.

 

[All-Rounder]

You have to remember that partisanship these days is very high and it's pretty much only cares about their own thing and that shows because if they sit down and talk to somebody if there's an opinion that it is so hard to accept it and it is so easy to label them a certain thing or another. So that is why when you're dealing with people I guess it's expected in a way or another even your close ones that they will have a certain stigma towards any aspect of your life. It's just human behavior and that's just how extremism works and remember that people in the spectrum are especially prone to being more extremist then the other types of humans.

 

[All-Rounder]

That comes from the black and white thinking and the lack of greys in between

 

[Ella Spell]

Where do you hear this stigma? Is it in your family?

I haven't seen any stigma toward your relationship online. If anyone does dislike the idea it's always with the caveat that it's their own opinion, and people including you are free to date whoever they want.

 

[All-Rounder]

We also don't choose whom we fall in love with. We can choose to stop the contact but feelings are feelings.

There are certain disadvantages in old age gap relationships but some people can work really well regardless of these potential things and it may not even matter.

 

[Twilight]

People are free to like or not like whatever they want. Otherwise, we’re getting into thought-crime territory.

As long as people are following the rules on online forums and are being civil, they are free to express their own personal views, opinions, and reasons for them on this and most other topics.

 

[Misty Avich]

We also don't choose whom we fall in love with. We can choose to stop the contact but feelings are feelings.

This, which also answers:

I can imagine someone on the receiving end of critical remarks about their age compared to their partner might be upset that no-one seems to be paying similar attention to their situation. I think that was the general gist of the original post, rather than equating sexual orientation and large age gaps. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Also this. Can't see why a lot of posters have misunderstood what I'm talking about. I was just saying that people in this day and age should be as accepting with large age gap relationship as we are with gay couples.

I have heard someone say that large age gap relationships are ''creepy'' and it was accepted. I don't tend to respect people based on written rules, I respect people from within. So even if I went on to a site where homophobia wasn't against their rules I would still respect gay couples. I hate homophobia.
I get everyone has opinions, but isn't it disrespectful to call large age gap relationships creepy? That's the stigma, and not all large age gap relationships are based on sexual exploitation. I don't choose to be attracted to older men, just like gay people don't choose to be attracted to people of the same gender.

I hope I have explained this clear enough.

 

[Twilight]

There’s not really a should about it. People are free to like or not like whatever they want to.

I don’t think that LGBT relationships and relationships with large age gaps are equivalent. Often, sites have rules against homophobia but people are free to critique other types of relationships as they see fit.

There could be a difference between saying that something is creepy in one’s opinion in a general sense and saying that a specific relationship involving a member is creepy.

When in doubt, talking to moderation about their specific rules and guidelines is probably a good idea.

 

[Rodafina]

I have heard someone say that large age gap relationships are ''creepy'' and it was accepted (no posts removed).

If there is anything that you think is breaking forum rules or if anyone is attacking you personally, please report it. Reporting helps bring staff attention to it.

 

[Misty Avich]

Even when I expressed things in a general sense people still said it was a personal attack. My argument has always been that if it is a general statement then it's OK, but apparently that isn't so whenever I make a general statement.

I just can't see the double standards and I think that large age gap relationships deserve the same respect as LGBT. Some similar age gap relationships or LGBT can be creepy but if anyone was to say that, they would be shamed and hated, even worse if it was a general statement. But large age gap relationships haven't quite become protected yet, unlike everything else.

 

[Ella Spell]

Large age gap relationships are fine, imo, but they are also a choice and not reflective of a person's innate bio-identity.

Skin colour, cultural heritage, sexual orientation, gender identity, etc., are not choices that people make. People are born with those identities and I think that's why they get special protection in most countries' laws and in internet forum rules. Displays of racism, homophobia, or transphobia are direct attacks on people for things they cannot change. I'm not saying you need to change your relationship. I'm just saying that's why it appears LGBTQ get special status and perhaps your relationship with your much older boyfriend does not.

 

[1ForAll]

This, which also answers:

Also this. Can't see why a lot of posters have misunderstood what I'm talking about. I was just saying that people in this day and age should be as accepting with large age gap relationship as we are with gay couples.

Mentioning no names, I have heard someone say that large age gap relationships are ''creepy'' and it was accepted (no posts removed). I don't tend to respect people based on written rules, I respect people from within. So even if I went on to a site where homophobia wasn't against their rules I would still respect gay couples. I hate homophobia.
I get everyone has opinions, but isn't it disrespectful to call large age gap relationships creepy? That's the stigma, and not all large age gap relationships are based on sexual exploitation. I don't choose to be attracted to older men, just like gay people don't choose to be attracted to people of the same gender.

I hope I have explained this clear enough.

I do agree that I have seen biases against those in relationships with big age differences, despite it not outwardly occuring against my much younger wife and I. The reason why people leave us alone with regards to this issue is because my wife and I are not socializing with others much and do not look much different in how old we look, despite our seventeen year old age difference. Her and I both look about less than five years apart age wise, in terms of looks. So, most could assume we are not too far apart in terms of how old we are.

Having said that, and from what I have seen elsewhere, I do sense that if there is a big age difference in their looks, lots more questioning and negative judgment will likely occur. They'd want to either find out why one of the two picked the other, where they met each other, how strong the relationship is, not just because of typical curiosity, but likely because of assumptions, that something must be wrong--and that we must prove them wrong.

Assuming some wrong or that we should be categorized into some less respected category is unfortunately typical when something or someone looks different or seems atypical. Like it or not, many members of this society want negative gossip, entertainment, to feel better, or they may have prejudices or need to be right, such that is instinct then to critique, blame, or think of the other or others as inferior or committing some offense. In other cases, jealousy may be involved. The naysayer could be divorced, in a bad relationship, or wanting that couple to fail or to not be seen as a success. Or perhaps some want to be seen as some savior or play matchmaker, thinking one of the two could do better or must be victimized.

Regardless the reason people resort to this, and yes, one or more statements in this thread seemed offensive, people should think before they speak, and not bring up such negatives to such couples or suggesting some sinister intents could be there when we are doing fine and just want support and to be treated like everyone else. So, if we in society do not assume and state something improper is occurring in all other more typical age relationships, then do not do the same for younger and older couples, too, as I can assure you typical couples are no better or better off than couples who go against typical standards. Taking advantage of others can happen at any age, and by any gender. For those above legal age, age is often just a number There are younger mature adults, and older immature adults, besides the reverse there. People fall in love or are together for many reasons. There is nothing wrong with that if both are fine with that. It is nobody else's business why they are together otherwise.

As for why society is told to be more tolerant of other groups than age different relationship groups, it is likely because perception and/or facts are such that more larger hate and/or more frequent harms are occuring against those other groups that are as they are because of often genetics involved. That should make no difference though, as a harm is a harm and people should be allowed to do as they please without feeling shame thrown their way, made to feel inferior, judged adversely, etc. Unless obvious harms are occuring or rights are being violated, people should mind their own business or we will go digging in their closets, if not make assumptions about them because of what we feel is not up to our values and standards.