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Is she sabotaging our relationship ?

T

Tom Baker

New Member
I am NT. There is a woman I work with who has Asperger's. She is amazing. I am in love with her.

I think she may be in love with me. A couple of times I have noticed that she shakes if we are close to some kind of breakthrough. But what mostly seems to happen is that she has casual sex with one of our co-workers and I feel betrayed by this. Then I stop speaking to her for a few days and that causes her to have problems sleeping. Eventually we start to get closer again and then we repeat this pattern.

What is happening and what can I do about it ?
 
There is not much you can do, sorry. She is who she is and if she either sees nothing wrong with what she is doing or cannot stop that, there is no long-term relationship potential there for you and her. It is what it is. She likely is in that exploring stage or trying to test her capabilities, desires and needs, and you are not fully on her mind or she would not be open to doing that with others. I'd back away, tell her you are not into some open relationship, and until she feels otherwise, wish her the best, as she obviously is not committed to you yet.

Sometimes, the best solution is for one like you to show strength and love by distancing, and to see what she really wants and needs, or can handle, as otherwise, it seems you are rewarding that behavior and making assumptions about her being in love with you that may not be really true, unless she shows it in the strangest of ways. Yes, NT's definitions of love, or ability to express such, is often different than those with Autism, but is what she is doing really good for a loving relationship between you and her, from your perspective? In your mind, likely no. In her mind, who knows? She may not see it as wrong.

If you could see her as a friend just, then perhaps you can keep communications ongoing and open, but if you'd tear yourself apart from what you are seeing from her, and putting regular undo pressure on her to be someone she cannot, then I'd do as the mentioned. Good luck at whatever you decide, as really, the choice is just as much yours than hers.
 
You'd have to ask her. There's no Aspergers related trait that compels people with Aspergers to have casual sex with one co-worker while another co-worker is attracted to them...
 
You haven't really explained the nature of your relationship. So I don't know.
 
Messing around with co-workers isn't great because if you break up, you deal with seeing them everyday. It's not very professional. Don't unless you are leaving the job.

Are you looking for love? Is she looking for love? I am out of that market, so not sure how people navigate these days. If she has random sex, aren't you concerned with a co-worker getting jealous and coming after you? There is a lot of passion crimes where the guy goes after you and sometimes after the female. I wouldn't push my luck.
 
Are you actually in a relationship with her? It isn't clear from what you say. You possibly need to check with her, if you aren't sure.
 
Keep in mind us Aspies, really like our independence. My sister an fellow Aspie was a Geologist, practicing her trade in Northern Ontario. She was and still is very independent. Meet her husband in the field. He was a mining engineer, worked for her for a short period of time. If I want to go winter camping in she is my go to person.
 
What are you talking about when you say that she shakes when you are close to some kind of breakthrough? A breakthrough of what?? She shakes?? This is all too weird. Maybe the word "infatuated" would be a better way to describe your feelings. Your relationship hasn't matured to the level of love. One thing is obvious, she isn't in love with you if she is having casual sex with other co-workers.

Are you trolling this forum with some kind of crazy relationship question for your first post?
 
Tom Baker said:
what mostly seems to happen is that she has casual sex with one of our co-workers and I feel betrayed by this
Click to expand...
So, what in god's name have you done to give her a choice? Maybe you do not understand her desires and obsessions.

I have had PTSD from earlier social and sexual isolation and hearing about my spouse's past sex life triggered me to the extreme such that I needed counseling. Now I enjoy thinking that; "I may not have been her first, but I am the last lover she wants." After a divorce when her husband had affairs to an extravagant degree, she wanted validation and was hoping for a relationship, but felt used by the guys. I was the only one concerned with her feelings.

Being shy and inexperienced with women, I understand your thinking. I let such thoughts derail my interest in a relationship, once, and I refuse to make the same mistake a second time. In my estimation, and, until you know her better, STOP being so judgemental about her
 
Yeshuasdaughter said:
You still want a girl even though she sleeps with all your coworkers whenever you show her how much you care?

I don't think she's autistic. Autistic women are shy in relationships, but very, very loyal.
Click to expand...
I don’t think we can generalize autistic women like that. But honestly, I’m not even sure OP is in a relationship with this woman to begin with.
 
there is way to little available information to make on this thread to really offer an informed opinion to the OP as to proper course of action.
 
1ForAll said:
There is not much you can do, sorry. She is who she is and if she either sees nothing wrong with what she is doing or cannot stop that, there is no long-term relationship potential there for you and her. It is what it is. She likely is in that exploring stage or trying to test her capabilities, desires and needs, and you are not fully on her mind or she would not be open to doing that with others. I'd back away, tell her you are not into some open relationship, and until she feels otherwise, wish her the best, as she obviously is not committed to you yet.

Sometimes, the best solution is for one like you to show strength and love by distancing, and to see what she really wants and needs, or can handle, as otherwise, it seems you are rewarding that behavior and making assumptions about her being in love with you that may not be really true, unless she shows it in the strangest of ways. Yes, NT's definitions of love, or ability to express such, is often different than those with Autism, but is what she is doing really good for a loving relationship between you and her, from your perspective? In your mind, likely no. In her mind, who knows? She may not see it as wrong.

If you could see her as a friend just, then perhaps you can keep communications ongoing and open, but if you'd tear yourself apart from what you are seeing from her, and putting regular undo pressure on her to be someone she cannot, then I'd do as the mentioned. Good luck at whatever you decide, as really, the choice is just as much yours than hers.
Click to expand...


The distancing option is definitely easier for me - but I have some personality disorder (schizoid) that has made that my default strategy for most of my life. Not sure it works...
 
Aspychata said:
Messing around with co-workers isn't great because if you break up, you deal with seeing them everyday. It's not very professional. Don't unless you are leaving the job.

Are you looking for love? Is she looking for love? I am out of that market, so not sure how people navigate these days. If she has random sex, aren't you concerned with a co-worker getting jealous and coming after you? There is a lot of passion crimes where the guy goes after you and sometimes after the female. I wouldn't push my luck.
Click to expand...

For her, sex with co-workers seems to be no problem. When she is finished with them she can sometimes totally ignore them, like they are invisible. They are not going to 'come after me' because they don't care about her. Some of them are married. I would not say I am 'looking' for love. I don't believe it works that way. Love is something that happens to you despite what you want.
 
Gee Wyles said:
What are you talking about when you say that she shakes when you are close to some kind of breakthrough? A breakthrough of what?? She shakes?? This is all too weird. Maybe the word "infatuated" would be a better way to describe your feelings. Your relationship hasn't matured to the level of love. One thing is obvious, she isn't in love with you if she is having casual sex with other co-workers.

Are you trolling this forum with some kind of crazy relationship question for your first post?
Click to expand...

Why on earth would I troll THIS forum ?!!?
I agree about the shaking - it is weird. The first time it happened she told me: "this is not easy for me, I am shaking". I had bought her a gift and she had told me she was with someone. The second time it happened she was trying to touch my hand, as if by accident. It was as if she panicked. I would like to know what it means...?
And of course you can be in love with one person and have sex with others. What are you, 7 years old ?
 
But what makes you think she may be in love with you or want a relationship?

(Also, why wouldn't you troll us, we're cool enough to troll...)
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
So, what in god's name have you done to give her a choice? Maybe you do not understand her desires and obsessions.

I have had PTSD from earlier social and sexual isolation and hearing about my spouse's past sex life triggered me to the extreme such that I needed counseling. Now I enjoy thinking that; "I may not have been her first, but I am the last lover she wants." After a divorce when her husband had affairs to an extravagant degree, she wanted validation and was hoping for a relationship, but felt used by the guys. I was the only one concerned with her feelings.

Being shy and inexperienced with women, I understand your thinking. I let such thoughts derail my interest in a relationship, once, and I refuse to make the same mistake a second time. In my estimation, and, until you know her better, STOP being so judgemental about her
Click to expand...

Yes, I agree. I am trying to be less judgmental. It is not easy. The strange thing is, I think we want the same thing. But every time we start to get close she does something to make it difficult. For example, she has recently started something with one of my friends at work. He is engaged so they are keeping it secret but she has done it in such a way that I came to know about it. How should you react to something like that ?
 
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