Is she sabotaging our relationship ?

[Tom Baker]

But what makes you think she may be in love with you or want a relationship?

(Also, why wouldn't you troll us, we're cool enough to troll...)

She concealed one of her relationships from me, so that I would get closer to her I think. I found out about it and felt deceived so I stayed away from her for a few days. She almost didn't speak for two days, or sleep. Then we started to get closer again and the same thing happened. Almost exactly the same thing: while giving me the impression we were going somewhere she was meeting someone else after work. Her reaction, when I lose interest in her, is strong. That is what makes me think she wants more than casual sex from me. She can get sex easily from anyone. I am not Brad Pitt so what is the big deal about me ? It must be emotional, but then why keep screwing it up ?

 

[Tom Baker]

I don’t think we can generalize autistic women like that. But honestly, I’m not even sure OP is in a relationship with this woman to begin with.

It depends what you mean by 'relationship'. We are friends who, it appears, both want it to become more than that.
But maybe I'm wrong... Honestly, I am not sure what is going on.

 

[Thinx]

Well, but doesn't she just hope to have sex with you like she does with others (allegedly - is it her saying she does?) Sounds more likely than that she wants a relationship.

You both sound like you have some issues, or why not just clarify this. Eg. I notice you have seemed like you wanted to meet up with me, but then you meet up with Frodo too, and seem as if you want me to react? Is that right? Or if not, what exactly are your intentions towards me if any?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yes, I agree. I am trying to be less judgmental. It is not easy. The strange thing is, I think we want the same thing. But every time we start to get close she does something to make it difficult. For example, she has recently started something with one of my friends at work. He is engaged so they are keeping it secret but she has done it in such a way that I came to know about it. How should you react to something like that ?

I have always been quite direct. I would tell her that I find her interesting and attractive, and that my time with her has left me with a physical desire that I would like to consumate. So you paying attention to others hurts me when I'd enjoy being your lover. Give her that one chance and if she does not change her behavior towards you, run like the wind from that user.

However, and think hard about this. With her enjoying the playing around, it is probably ingrained in her, and the thing with your engaged friend shows that she has no concern about hurting others. When somebody shows you who they are, Believe them

 

[Bolletje]

It depends what you mean by 'relationship'. We are friends who, it appears, both want it to become more than that.
But maybe I'm wrong... Honestly, I am not sure what is going on.

Well, if you want to be in a romantic relationship with her, you need to speak up and clarify what’s going on between you two. Until you two have explicitly agreed to be in an exclusive romantic relationship, she is free to do as she pleases and you have no right to be angry at her for it.

 

[Jordy]

I have had PTSD from earlier social and sexual isolation and hearing about my spouse's past sex life triggered me to the extreme such that I needed counseling. Now I enjoy thinking that; "I may not have been her first, but I am the last lover she wants." After a divorce when her husband had affairs to an extravagant degree, she wanted validation and was hoping for a relationship, but felt used by the guys. I was the only one concerned with her feelings.

You needed counseling after hearing how many man your wife had slept with?

To op, i recommend you never speak to this woman again, you are not going to get anything out of this relationship with her but frustration, confusion and sadness. This should be very clear to anyone with half a brain. She sounds like she is either consciously playing with you or has serious mental issues, maybe both.

 

[Jordy]

Yes, I agree. I am trying to be less judgmental. It is not easy. The strange thing is, I think we want the same thing. But every time we start to get close she does something to make it difficult. For example, she has recently started something with one of my friends at work. He is engaged so they are keeping it secret but she has done it in such a way that I came to know about it. How should you react to something like that ?

You are free to judge someones immoral actions such as them sleeping with another person whom they know is engaged and cruelly leading someone on.

 

[Tom Baker]

Well, but doesn't she just hope to have sex with you like she does with others (allegedly - is it her saying she does?) Sounds more likely than that she wants a relationship.

You both sound like you have some issues, or why not just clarify this. Eg. I notice you have seemed like you wanted to meet up with me, but then you meet up with Frodo too, and seem as if you want me to react? Is that right? Or if not, what exactly are your intentions towards me if any?

I would like to have a conversation like this. In our work environment there are a lot of people around which makes it difficult, for me anyway. I asked her to meet me sometime so we could talk about things - she said 'no'.

I don't think it can be just a sex thing - if it was, why focus on me so much ? She can get sex anywhere.

Do you think it could be an extreme form of stimming or masking ?

 

[Tom Baker]

I have always been quite direct. I would tell her that I find her interesting and attractive, and that my time with her has left me with a physical desire that I would like to consumate. So you paying attention to others hurts me when I'd enjoy being your lover. Give her that one chance and if she does not change her behavior towards you, run like the wind from that user.

However, and think hard about this. With her enjoying the playing around, it is probably ingrained in her, and the thing with your engaged friend shows that she has no concern about hurting others. When somebody shows you who they are, Believe them

I don't think I could ever use the phrase 'a physical desire that I would like to consummate' but you may be right.

 

[Tom Baker]

Could it be an extreme form of stimming or masking ?

 

[Thinx]

I wouldn't think it's stimming or masking, no. You asked to talk with her, she said no. That's not unclear, is it? You are really quite extreme in denial, yourself, I think, to suggest such a thing. There's no evidence this person's autistic, there's no evidence she wants a relationship with you, she's said no, yet you persevere in imagining she's stimming and masking? Wow.

Your workplace sounds unhealthy and badly supported to me, if this is how people behave, including you. I'm not sure what your work is, as you seem to be more interested in other non work issues, but I don't think a responsible employer would be letting this go on. Could you maybe take this to another forum or support service, maybe one that offers psychological help for people in your situation?

 

[Bolletje]

Could it be an extreme form of stimming or masking ?

No, I don’t think so.

 

[Tom Baker]

No, I don’t think so.

Why don't you think so ?

 

[Tom Baker]

I wouldn't think it's stimming or masking, no. You asked to talk with her, she said no. That's not unclear, is it? You are really quite extreme in denial, yourself, I think, to suggest such a thing. There's no evidence this person's autistic, there's no evidence she wants a relationship with you, she's said no, yet you persevere in imagining she's stimming and masking? Wow.

Your workplace sounds unhealthy and badly supported to me, if this is how people behave, including you. I'm not sure what your work is, as you seem to be more interested in other non work issues, but I don't think a responsible employer would be letting this go on. Could you maybe take this to another forum or support service, maybe one that offers psychological help for people in your situation?

I'm happy to take this somewhere else Thinx. This will be my last post/reply.
This forum has been of little use to me.
You are right about our workplace. It is poorly supported. A few days ago someone came to work drunk - nothing was said. There is a least one other person there with personality disorder like me (but not mine). One of the most obvious cases I've ever seen and she is getting no help. And this woman that I care about, who has more or less told me she has Aspergers, masking like crazy, not sleeping...

You obviously work in a kinder environment. More middle-class ? On the street, in a dog-eat-dog world, if you show weakness you become a target.

 

[Bolletje]

Why don't you think so ?

Stimming is usually a small, often simple, repetitive behavior/action used as a coping mechanism. Think of rocking back and forth, tapping fingers against things, fidgeting with items.
Masking is engaging in behavior to fit in more and not stand out as much.

Sleeping with several coworkers could be considered a pattern, but is hardly a simple repetitive action and can’t be considered stimming.
Sleeping with several coworkers hardly serves as a masking purpose, because it doesn’t really help you blend in with the crowd.

I don’t think looking for autism as an explanation and/or excuse for her behavior is going to get you anywhere, @Tom Baker. I stand by my earlier advice: if you want to pursue a relationship with her, talk to her about it. Stop looking for signs and symptoms, have an actual conversation about your feelings and expectations. If you don’t want to do that, that’s also okay. But I don’t think it’s fair to be mad at a woman about breaking the unwritten rules of a relationship that’s never been defined, or might not even exist.

 

[Bolletje]

This forum has been of little use to me.

I’m surprised you would say this. You have gotten a lot of advice on your situation. Whether you decide to take it or not is up to you.

But I can tell you that trying to pin a diagnosis on a woman, just because she does things you don’t like, is not the way to go.

You’re not in a relationship with this person.
You won’t be in a relationship with this person unless you have a conversation with her about this.
You’re not helping yourself, or her, by looking for external validation of your suspicions on these forums (or any other forum).
Communication is key, and this is no exception.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I asked her to meet me sometime so we could talk about things - she said 'no'.

Doesn't that make it obvious that she is not interested in you? When somebody shows you who they are, believe them. Your energies are better spent on somebody who is accepting and interested in you.

 

[paloftoon]

Hey Tom. First of all, there never was a relationship, and if there is, you can lose your job. You work directly with her. So, any signs of you having anything to do with her beyond your job (beyond friends, and in some contexts even friends might not be okay until for like 2-4 years after no contact ) is out the window. If you want real potential with a relationship or casual with her, you have to tell your company there's a potential conflict of interest between you and her and that you can no longer have her as one of your clients. Right now, she can be with your co-worker(s) because they don't work directly with her.

I don't know for sure if she's not taking things all the way because she is smart enough to know she should not engage with someone she is working with directly or if she just is not attracted to you.

If you get into a relationship with her or something casual even after you stop having her as a client, if it gets out that you're doing this with so and so, you could lose your job anyway because your company may not like the impression it leaves on them.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Hey Tom. First of all, there never was a relationship, and if there is, you can lose your job. You work directly with her. So, any signs of you having anything to do with her beyond your job (beyond friends, and in some contexts even friends might not be okay until for like 2-4 years after no contact ) is out the window. If you want real potential with a relationship or casual with her, you have to tell your company there's a potential conflict of interest between you and her and that you can no longer have her as one of your clients. Right now, she can be with your co-worker(s) because they don't work directly with her.

I don't know for sure if she's not taking things all the way because she is smart enough to know she should not engage with someone she is working with directly or if she just is not attracted to you.

If you get into a relationship with her or something casual even after you stop having her as a client, if it gets out that you're doing this with so and so, you could lose your job anyway because your company may not like the impression it leaves on them.

He did not indicate that she was a direct report or vice versa. What he did say was she was screwing her co-workers. I would think that HR would take a dim view of that as much. The more I ponder this the more I understand that she is a toxic and selfish, unethical, user which cannot be explained by my comprehension of Autism.

@Tom Baker should run like the wind away from that woman and be satisfied to have missed out on a relationship of being abused by her.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

I feel like I might be coming here a bit late, but after reading some stuff I want to share my experiences.

I did act similar to that woman when I was younger. I was a flirty type though I did not realise that flirting was what I was doing. But with guys I really liked, well, feelings overwhelmed me, and they still do. All my insecurities and fears come out and shout hello once I feel strongly attracted to someone.

So when I was younger I would sleep with guys that wanted to and I that I did not feel disgusted by, though sometimes I would even do that, but I would never sleep with the ones I felt attraction or softness or care or even love towards. Being close to or being tenderly touched by or being loved by a man I had feelings for or allowing an emotional connection or being tender to that man or being vulnerable was not possible for me.

So I feel like Tom might interpret her correctly, but even if he does....she is not in a state in which he could help her or get a fullfilling relationship out of the situation.

I f you want her in your life, stay friends, and that means no judging just supporting.