Is it Just Me...(lesser known/discussed ASD traits)

[Streetwise]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting. I'm a little less than three weeks away from beginning my ASD assessment. As a kid, it was assumed by me, my therapist, and my family that I had Asperger's but I was never officially assessed or diagnosed. While there are many reasons for this assumption, as I grew up, there were certain things about the prevailing "archetype" of an aspie, with which I absolutely did not relate. As a result, I assumed that our initial assumption was wrong.

Recent events in my life made me wonder whether we were right all along and prompted me to get an assessment. When taking online tests, I usually get a "borderline" result but from what I've read, many people acknowledge that there is a lot more nuisance to ASD/Asperger's than when I was growing up.

So I was wondering if anyone related to some of these traits/habits, that may go against the usual ASD profile, or if it's just me?

1) High Empathy and high emotional intelligence- This is the number one reason I decided I did not have ASD. When I was young, I read that Aspies lacked empathy. However, I consider empathy to be one of my strongest traits and I believe that I am also high in emotional intelligence. Though I have, at times, been called "cold/aloof/mean," I feel that I can usually express my empathy effectively.

I've certainly had my share of painful and embarrassing social experiences and I may have learned from them. While I can be uncomfortable and rigid in certain settings, I feel that I pick up on social cues fairly well. I know other aspies who seem much more oblivious when someone is annoyed or angry with them. Given that this is typically seen as a defining trait of aspies, I don't know if I have learned/compensated/masked my lack of innate understanding or if this means I don't have ASD.

2) Empathic embarrassment-One reason I think may sometimes come across as lacking empathy is because I have very high levels of "empathic embarrassment." I only recently learned of this term but it was a light bulb moment. I remember one occasion, in which someone fell off their bike in front of me. I thought it would be more embarrassing for them if I ran up to them and asked if they needed help so I turned the other way and pretended that I didn't see them. Looking back I can see how someone might see this and conclude that I lacked empathy but the truth is, I felt their embarrassment and didn't want to make it worse. This even gets in the way of me enjoying something like a comedy stand-up routine. I often can't watch them because I'm so afraid that the comic will tell a bad joke and be embarrassed.

3) "object blindness/invisibility"-I'm not sure what to call this but I can walk by something for weeks and not notice it. When I'm cleaning my room, I sometimes take photos so I can see what's out of place. Sometimes it is easier for me to notice that random sock on the floor when it's in a photo as opposed to when it's right in front of my face.

This also seems to relate to how I see myself and my body. I sometimes miss the fact that my collar is up, or my zipper is down. I may gain or lose weight and not notice until it's pointed out to me. I've read that aspies tend to be detail-oriented but I'm not sure this is the case for me.

4) Volcanic Temper- People see me as very laidback and mellow. I usually am (at least on the surface). People have actually asked me why I never express anger. That said, I have had several instances of absolutely volcanic eruptions of anger. These occasions have resulted in me screaming, throwing, breaking, etc. It's terrifying for me and everyone involved. I've read about meltdowns and it felt like an epiphany. I've never quite understood why these incidents happened but now realize they may be triggered by sensory or social overload, usually after having bottled up my discomfort for too long.

5) People/Romantic Relationships as "special interest"-Growing up, I've certainly had special interests (US Presidents, Greek Mythology, Roman emperors, gerbils). However, I don't think I've fixated on anything more than my "love interests." This culminated in me being accused of stalking my crush in 8th grade. My obsessiveness over people and romance has dissipated somewhat but I still spend a significant amount of time on dating apps/websites. Despite this, I only recently had my first boyfriend (I'm in my 30s). Has anyone else has special interests that revolved around people or social relationships?

I could go on but in the interest of brevity, I will stop there. I'm curious if anyone else has had experience with one, some, or all of these.

Yes to all but remember you are unique and diagnosis will be what level of help you need and there's rarely a therapist that's going to live with you for a week to see how you are uniquely! Any health problems you may have ,might! change how you function again!some members of this forum don't agree ,that autism is JUST a neurological difference! I personally have felt little benefit from a label (the aforementioned word highly prized by neurotypicals)

 

[jleeb05]

Yes, they do, they really do. Talk about having followers. I also always thought I would get a lab or retriever once I retired from the military and was in more stable settings. But my wife came home one day around Christmas said she had something to tell me and proceded to uncover a Chihuahua puppy she was secretly holding inside her coat... And now I'm a fanatic fan of the breed. But I think I could be that way with any breed really. They are all great.

Thats interesting you chose a cat as the companion. They get along well? Was the cat a kitten or adult when you brought it home?

My only pet as a child was a youngish stray cat I was secretly feeding leftovers, that my parents allowed me to take in after it had a litter in our garage. Amazing cat that was, and became the family favorite for the next 16 years. But finding homes for 7 kittens was nerve wracking. I was down to the last two and they were almost no longer kittens. A older lady down the street finally said she would take one. My Mom was so deviously clever. She but them both in a basket with a blanket and told me to take them both to her, and tell her to pick which one she wanted, but also to mention the other would then be taken to the animal pound. She took them both.

That's amazing. I'm glad you were able to find a home for all of them!

I received the cat as a kitten. Actually similar to your story, my neighbor's cat had kittens and she couldn't keep them. I thought my dog could use a companion and had initially considered getting another dog, but I adopted one of the kittens instead. They actually get along pretty well. My cat is actually more affectionate with the dog than vice versa. I think it might be because he's been around her since he was only a few weeks old.

My dog "tolerates" the cat but will sometimes try to insert herself, if he's getting too much attention. If I'm petting the cat, she will literally push him out of the way and place her head under my hand so that I'm petting her instead. Basically like sibling rivalry.

 

[jleeb05]

Yes to all but remember you are unique and diagnosis will be what level of help you need and there's rarely a therapist that's going to live with you for a week to see how you are uniquely! Any health problems you may have ,might! change how you function again!some members of this forum don't agree ,that autism is JUST a neurological difference! I personally have felt little benefit from a label (the aforementioned word highly prized by neurotypicals)

Very true. I don't expect a diagnosis or a label to really change anything. The one benefit I see a term I read in a book, "sense-making." A diagnosis would help make sense of aspects of my personality or life that have always confounded me. For example, I never quite understood my rare, but very troubling, bouts of anger. Seeing them as meltdowns, not only makes sense, it makes me feel "less crazy."

I am worried that although the assessment will take place over several weeks and multiple sessions, it still won't fully capture me. I worry that I'm either so good at masking the clinician will think, "There's no way he has ASD" or we'll focus so much on the negative aspects, that it might give her a skewed perception of my ability to function.

I don't actually think I need much help (at least not more than I currently receive). I just need understanding, especially from those around me. I'm not sure a diagnosis or label would help with that though especially because I'm not sure I would tell many people.

 

[Tom]

View attachment 69219 View attachment 69220

That's amazing. I'm glad you were able to find a home for all of them!

I received the cat as a kitten. Actually similar to your story, my neighbor's cat had kittens and she couldn't keep them. I thought my dog could use a companion and had initially considered getting another dog, but I adopted one of the kittens instead. They actually get along pretty well. My cat is actually more affectionate with the dog than vice versa. I think it might be because he's been around her since he was only a few weeks old.

My dog "tolerates" the cat but will sometimes try to insert herself, if he's getting too much attention. If I'm petting the cat, she will literally push him out of the way and place her head under my hand so that I'm petting her instead. Basically like sibling rivalry.

They sound like they are getting along as good as one could hope. I do think having one come in as a puppy/kitten can be advantageous. Two adults can take a disliking to one another.

The attention jealousy is normal for Chihuahuas. They are bred as companion dogs and tend to prefer being a one dog family. My four girls have confrontations and squabbles all the time and occasionally full on 2, 3 and even 4 dog fights break out. And it can happen at any time. I've been woken up in bed to find myself in the middle of a war with them jumping and lunging, snarling and shrieking. But no one actually bites or gets hurt. They bat each other like cats and try and Psych each other out. Its always over food, attention, personnal space and especially sleeping zones. That said they are unusually good with all people. Vets and dog groomers, etc, actually dread Chihuahuas more then any other breed, but these guys are all good natured and don't give them any trouble.

Its good you took the black cat. Those are supposedly the hardest to find homes for.

 

[Crossbreed]

When taking online tests, I usually get a "borderline" result...

That is known as Half-Aspergers...

 

[Suzette]

@jleeb05 You might be in terested in the YouTube channel Yo Samedy Sam. Sam is a 30 something British woman who was diagnosed with ASD in her 30s. She is very relatable and has a lot of insight into ASD. She also has a degree in Psychology. You might also like the channel Asbergers Inside. Paul is an Austrlian diagnosed at 30. Both channels are very informative and give a naked view of ASD.

I am just figuring out how I fit / if I fit with ASD. Daily I find myself recognizing something new. I hope you get you find your understanding with your assessment.

 

[jleeb05]

@jleeb05 You might be in terested in the YouTube channel Yo Samedy Sam. Sam is a 30 something British woman who was diagnosed with ASD in her 30s. She is very relatable and has a lot of insight into ASD. She also has a degree in Psychology. You might also like the channel Asbergers Inside. Paul is an Austrlian diagnosed at 30. Both channels are very informative and give a naked view of ASD.

I am just figuring out how I fit / if I fit with ASD. Daily I find myself recognizing something new. I hope you get you find your understanding with your assessment.

Thank you for the suggestions. I just watched a few of Sam's videos and definitely find her relatable. She mentioned how autistic traits tend to be "pathologized." I agree with this for the most part. I think there is this tension between seeing ASD as a disability and also not "pathologizing" it.

For some aspies, it is debilitating and makes it very difficult to navigate the neurotypical world. While I have definitely struggled with social interactions, a lot of the traits that I associate with being on the spectrum, are my best traits! I can see how they have caused me difficulty in a neurotypical world, but I don't see them all as problems that need to be fixed...I just want to be understood.

Part of my fear though is that if I get the diagnosis and the label, people might use it to dismiss my thoughts or feelings. For example, I've always observed people very closely (maybe because I don't innately understand them). As a result, I feel that I'm pretty good at noticing small changes in someone's behavior or speech. In my job as an attorney and an investigator, this is very helpful because I'm pretty good at detecting when someone is lying or deflecting. However, in social situations, I'm often told that I'm "making a big deal out of nothing." If people learn that I have ASD, I worry that it might give them even more reason to dismiss my observations.

 

[Streetwise]

Very true. I don't expect a diagnosis or a label to really change anything. The one benefit I see a term I read in a book, "sense-making." A diagnosis would help make sense of aspects of my personality or life that have always confounded me. For example, I never quite understood my rare, but very troubling, bouts of anger. Seeing them as meltdowns, not only makes sense, it makes me feel "less crazy."

I am worried that although the assessment will take place over several weeks and multiple sessions, it still won't fully capture me. I worry that I'm either so good at masking the clinician will think, "There's no way he has ASD" or we'll focus so much on the negative aspects, that it might give her a skewed perception of my ability to function.

I don't actually think I need much help (at least not more than I currently receive). I just need understanding, especially from those around me. I'm not sure a diagnosis or label would help with that though especially because I'm not sure I would tell many people.

If you want to self soothe (stimming-shortened version of stimulation do! it !while you're being assessed )like rocking,hand flapping,dont!hide!it!.

 

[Suzette]

That is known as Half-Aspergers...

Are you a "half aspergers full" or "half aspergers empty" sort of a person?

 

[Suzette]

jleeb05, I don't think I will ever be able to get an official diagnosis but I have found, even amongst my closest family and my husband ( my one true friend) the whole subject is confusing to them and they have been pretty nonreactionary. No questions about why I might think I am on the spectrum, no wondering if I think my life will change. Just really no reaction at all. It is very frustrating because I think we could have a discussion thst helps them to understand me better and maybe we could go forward with much less drama.

From that I think we can use the information to our bennefit but there seems little point un disclosing to anyone

 

[jleeb05]

If you want to self soothe (stimming-shortened version of stimulation do! it !while you're being assessed )like rocking,hand flapping,dont!hide!it!.

It's actually funny that you defined "stimming." I had never heard the term until recently. I knew that people on the spectrum engaged in repetitive behaviors, it's one of the reasons I was suspected of having aspergers as a kid, but I had never heard that term before. I watched a horror movie with an autistic child in it and they mentioned "stimming." I googled it and that's what started me on this journey toward a possible diagnosis.

I never thought I engaged in any of the hand-flapping gestures but as I spoke with my Mom about my stimming behavior she mentioned "that weird thing you do with your hands." I also noticed that when I was having a somewhat tense conversation with my supervisor I was wringing my hands. I'll have to pay attention to that during the assessment!

 

[Nairobi]

It's actually funny that you defined "stimming." I had never heard the term until recently. I knew that people on the spectrum engaged in repetitive behaviors, it's one of the reasons I was suspected of having aspergers as a kid, but I had never heard that term before. I watched a horror movie with an autistic child in it and they mentioned "stimming." I googled it and that's what started me on this journey toward a possible diagnosis.

I never thought I engaged in any of the hand-flapping gestures but as I spoke with my Mom about my stimming behavior she mentioned "that weird thing you do with your hands." I also noticed that when I was having a somewhat tense conversation with my supervisor I was wringing my hands. I'll have to pay attention to that during the assessment!

I think my hand flapping is different from typical ASD hand flapping, too. Or maybe it's the same - I've never seen myself in the mirror.

 

[jleeb05]

jleeb05, I don't think I will ever be able to get an official diagnosis but I have found, even amongst my closest family and my husband ( my one true friend) the whole subject is confusing to them and they have been pretty nonreactionary. No questions about why I might think I am on the spectrum, no wondering if I think my life will change. Just really no reaction at all. It is very frustrating because I think we could have a discussion thst helps them to understand me better and maybe we could go forward with much less drama.

From that I think we can use the information to our bennefit but there seems little point un disclosing to anyone

That is frustrating. I've only told a couple of people outside of my immediate family and their reaction was similarly...nonreactionary. One friend said I had almost no visible autistic traits (wasn't sure what that meant). I was surprised that the other friend did ask me a follow-up question about the assessment recently. I wasn't even sure he remembered that I had told him haha.

I think people aren't sure how to react so they say nothing. That's actually one of my major issues with "neurotypical" people. They say that autistic people don't pick up on social cues but too many of their darn social cues/thoughts are nonverbal. I'd rather someone ask questions than stay silent.

It sucks but I'm guessing we're going to have to start the conversation in many cases. I may be wrong but I feel that a diagnosis may make me feel more comfortable in telling people what I need from them and from myself.

 

[jleeb05]

I think my hand flapping is different from typical ASD hand flapping, too. Or maybe it's the same - I've never seen myself in the mirror.

I'm curious about other's stimming habits. I think my most noticeable habit is twisting my hair. As a kid, I had this one piece of hair that would just stick up because I always twisted it. This is embarrassing but I would also put sticky stuff like jelly) in my hair to get the right tactile sensation. My current hairstyle is actually so that I can twist my hair without it being noticeable.

I engaged in vocal stimming that I would describe as squeaking. I still do this as well, usually when I'm sad or stressed, but because my voice has changed it's more of a moan. I used to do this in publicas a kid but would never do so today.

And then there is the most embarrassing stimming behavior, the olfactory stimming. I'm always smelling my upper lip, which causes me to poke my lips out. I remember my grandmother saying I looked like a pig. I also sniff my pillow. When I was a kid, I actually had a name for it (Pilly) and I hated for anyone to wash it. To this day, I still leave one pillow unwashed (for as long as possible, at least) so that I can smell it. When I have company over I'm sure they think it's weird that I might smell my pillows and then hand them one like, "This one's yours." Haha.

 

[Suzette]

Ah stimming, where would I be without you?
I did a lot of stimming as a kid. Hair twirling, hair chewing, nail biting, skin picking, finger tapping, knuckle cracking, lip licking...
I think my favorite games were a kind of stimming too. I always had a little bouncing ball with me and I could spend hours jummping rope.

It's funny but I often flap my hands when I am trying to speak and the words won't come. I am usually hopping from foot to foot, or on one foot, too. This isn't comfort stimming. It's almost like I sm trying to shake the plug in my brain that's keeping me from speaking loose. It used to take a lot to get me so upset.

But now it happens regularly. But instead of being upset, I have come to the point where I am confident enough to speak my mind and just need to push a little harder to do it.

 

[Streetwise]

It's actually funny that you defined "stimming." I had never heard the term until recently. I knew that people on the spectrum engaged in repetitive behaviors, it's one of the reasons I was suspected of having aspergers as a kid, but I had never heard that term before. I watched a horror movie with an autistic child in it and they mentioned "stimming." I googled it and that's what started me on this journey toward a possible diagnosis.

I never thought I engaged in any of the hand-flapping gestures but as I spoke with my Mom about my stimming behavior she mentioned "that weird thing you do with your hands." I also noticed that when I was having a somewhat tense conversation with my supervisor I was wringing my hands. I'll have to pay attention to that during the assessment!

The reason I particularly said it was it's the classic sign recognised as autism and I think the reason I was referred for autism assessment at 45 was I stimmed by rocking from side to side in public