In A Major Dilemma Right Now

[KevinMao133]

So me and my father went at it again

this time it went from being verbal to physical

It got to a point where my dad charged at me and choked me for two straight minutes

I felt death, still feel it

still afraid of it

it all started after an argument that broke out at the dinner table

I don’t know what I’m going to do

I have changed a lot but I can’t do everything

I can’t

 

[Alexej]

Sorry to hear this - Sounds like you are really shaken by it.
What are your options in your situation?

 

[Suzette]

That is assault and you could seek to press charges. I am not suggesting that you do that though. You can but only you can decide if that is the right thing to do

Instead you have to figure out how to not be triggered by your father.

No matter what he says, no matter how he says it, it's just words. Saying something doesn't make it true. So what if he jabbers on? Consider him a foul mouthed blathering idiot that isn't worth your time responding to.

You can't control him. But you can control YOU.
Don't respond to his taunts and insults. That is why he bullies you. Because you respond in predictable ways.

Of course he shouldn't do it! But he does and you haven't been sucessful in convincing him not to do it. So you have to decide to not be bothered by him. Does he say mean, hurtful things? Whatever he says has the exact same power as screaming "purple, hairy, banana split". It's all just rediculous noise.

I know living with an abusive bully is so very hard. But you can leave home eventually. You just need to get through until you can leave.

What I have said above is stuff I wish I had been told when I was in your place and the abuser was my brother. There wasn't anyone to give me good counsel. You have an opportunity here to not just "get through" but to comeout wise and confident despite the a-hole in your life.

 

[KevinMao133]

Sorry to hear this - Sounds like you are really shaken by it.
What are your options in your situation?

this has affected me really hard. It’s crazy because growing up in an Asian family, they tell me you should respect your family no matter what but at the same time I do not want to talk to my father. Scared of him. I want no part of him in my life

 

[Owliet]

So me and my father went at it again

this time it went from being verbal to physical

It got to a point where my dad charged at me and choked me for two straight minutes

I felt death, still feel it

still afraid of it

it all started after an argument that broke out at the dinner table

I don’t know what I’m going to do

I have changed a lot but I can’t do everything

I can’t

I sympathize with you, I really know how this can be. Best thing to do is to say that you need space at the time, and go to somewhere that you can feel safe in.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

this has affected me really hard. It’s crazy because growing up in an Asian family, they tell me you should respect your family no matter what but at the same time I do not want to talk to my father. Scared of him. I want no part of him in my life

I know exactly what you are talking about. I sort of want to cut my own dad from most of my life because I think he interferes too much with it and my social life is basically him and his own friends. But I also know that he can’t run his business without my help and also the Chinese thing where the eldest son is expected to take care of and help his parents when they get older. I want to distance myself from my dad because he is extremely anti-LGBT and keeps criticizing me for the things that I like and I can’t enjoy any of them if he’s around. He also disowned my sister because he doesn’t like her husband and he wants me to literally get any girl pregnant so he can finally have a grandchild that “counts” even though I am gay and I don’t want any kids.

Do you live with your parents? Because you can always move out of their house. There are programs that help people pay rent if they are low income. Another option that you could do if you live by yourself is file a Protection From Abuse order form. It’s like a restraining order where the person you want to be protected from can’t come near you or speak with you but without going to court. If your dad violates this order then he will have charges pressed against him for violating the order.

 

[Raggamuffin]

My gut reaction is to try and talk to him calmly about it. It's clear you both know that he has crossed a line. It could be healing for both of you to discuss it, but I'd suggest doing so with someone nearby or in the room as a mediator.

But if this is a regular occurance, you need to put a plan in place to move onto your next chapter.

Ed

 

[Pats]

this has affected me really hard. It’s crazy because growing up in an Asian family, they tell me you should respect your family no matter what but at the same time I do not want to talk to my father. Scared of him. I want no part of him in my life

He doesn't have to be in your life. He should also respect you.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

You are old enough to move out. What stops you?

 

[watersprite]

Being dependent on a person who treats you badly is heartbreaking.

Do you have any supportive people to turn to for help?

 

[Gerontius]

Been in this situation before--not the "Asian parent"" flavor but the plain regular someone got his pants in a twist flavor. Would not recommend.

This stuff only changes when you either 1) catch him in a time when both of you have your wits about you, and can talk, 2) you move out, 3) someone dies of old age.

In my case I was fortunate that the situation resolved when we got to be better friends (getting older.) However--that was unusual, so in most situations I don't think I'd bank on that actually happening. Might be time to consider moving!

 

[KevinMao133]

He doesn't have to be in your life. He should also respect you.

except he doesn’t. He never cared about me. He’s like this person who’s there but who’s not there. Hard to explain

 

[KevinMao133]

Been in this situation before--not the "Asian parent"" flavor but the plain regular someone got his pants in a twist flavor. Would not recommend.

This stuff only changes when you either 1) catch him in a time when both of you have your wits about you, and can talk, 2) you move out, 3) someone dies of old age.

In my case I was fortunate that the situation resolved when we got to be better friends (getting older.) However--that was unusual, so in most situations I don't think I'd bank on that actually happening. Might be time to consider moving!

I’ll be honest here: I will feel really happy when my dad dies. Honestly I don’t miss him, will not miss him, never missed him

 

[Gerontius]

I’ll be honest here: I will feel really happy when my dad dies. Honestly I don’t miss him, will not miss him, never missed him

Hence why I believe it is time to (if at all possible) move. I left home at seventeen. When it is time to go, it's time to go.

 

[KevinMao133]

Hence why I believe it is time to (if at all possible) move. I left home at seventeen. When it is time to go, it's time to go.

good idea. I been thinking about this. I’m talking to a friend about jobs I’m interested in. If I get a job, it’s over between me and my dad

 

[Owliet]

good idea. I been thinking about this. I’m talking to a friend about jobs I’m interested in. If I get a job, it’s over between me and my dad

I hope that you can do this and move out, if it’s that horrible at home you do have to get out and give time. I don’t know why your dad is like this, perhaps it’s similar to how my mum was in that they love you but they are dissatisfied with how you are as a person ln that they see only the ASD and not you, until you prove yourself otherwise “worthy” to them. That was how it was for me, it was hell growing up, and many times it would spiral out of control (my dad is an awful mediator) to the extent that she would either threaten to hit me or she would hit me. By the time I was At an age to be able to leave, her behavior had stopped because she deemed me worthy, and because of her declining health.

do you have any siblings? If you do, How does your dad treat them?

 

[Aspychata]

So shocked. What he did to you could put him away in prison. You can't choke anybody ever. I am concerned you already have been traumatized by him and maybe just operating on survival mode. When you finally leave, see if you can get free counseling to help you. Try to see moving away as a primary goal, and see if you could be roommates with someone, since rents are skyrocketing everywhere. The other option is work full-time, be absent at dinner. Sneak a sandwich in your room for dinner. And don't trigger him, because he has a propensity for violence. Is there a relative you could live with? You could apply for a job abroad for a year. You need a passport.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

good idea. I been thinking about this. I’m talking to a friend about jobs I’m interested in. If I get a job, it’s over between me and my dad

Bingo! That is the first step in keeping yourself safe, which is your priority. I was unable to really make progress with my social dysfunction untilI starting my first significant job and moving out on my own, escaping a family dynamic that had kept me emotionally dependent. Good luck with your independence.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I moved out a month after I graduated high school. I was pretty miserable living at home and it was obvious that my stepmom was favoriting her own daughter and let her do what she wanted to do and never get yelled at for it but I was expected to follow all of these rules meant only for me and she tried to force me to be someone she wanted me to be and I couldn’t do it because it just felt wrong.

 

[Gerontius]

good idea. I been thinking about this. I’m talking to a friend about jobs I’m interested in. If I get a job, it’s over between me and my dad

I don't know why he's upset by you getting a job? If I had kids & one of them went and landed a job, moved out on his own, did something awesome like that--I'd be overjoyed.