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I’m nervous about a date scheduled for Sunday

B

BewilderedPerson

Well-Known Member
We began talking on Hinge on Monday. She works days, and I don’t want to bother her then, while I work many nights. Yet, our conversations might last an hour or two each night.

We’re in the same town and are going to meet Sunday, can relate to each other with some common interests.

I’m not sure how to play it. I didn’t tell her my diagnosis and as far as I know, she doesn’t know.

I’m trying not to talk to her too much or bombard her each night, but I wished her a goodnight not that long ago tonight and we’re both looking forward to Sunday.

I won’t be surprised if she cancels. I was on two dates in 2023, haven’t gotten past a first date since 2021, and I’ve had a handful of women actually cancel dates on me - either the night before or even the day of.

I’m hoping for good things to happen Sunday, but a lot of times, I psyche myself out that I’ll blow it, and many times, I do.
 
You are meeting a stranger. Nothing more. Could be any person on the street, and you don't get nervous walking past them. Try and steer your excitement towards the thought "I wonder what she'll be like?"
 
Hello! I like lists and find saying random things up here unessesary
1.) Be Authentic. It’s great that you’ve been having meaningful conversations with her. Continue being yourself and sharing your interests. Authenticity is key in building a genuine connection.
2.) Communication balance (kinda hard imo) Balancing communication can be tricky, especially when you have different schedules. Since you both enjoy talking, it’s okay to engage in longer conversations. However, be mindful of her availability. If she’s responsive and seems interested, that’s a positive sign.
3.) Discussing your diagnosis. Deciding when to share your autism diagnosis is a personal choice. Some people prefer to disclose early on, while others wait until they feel more comfortable. Consider whether sharing this information online would enhance your connection or if it’s something you’d like to discuss in person.
4.) Stay openminded. Approach the meeting with an open mind. Be curious about her, share your interests, and enjoy the experience. Whether it leads to something more or remains a pleasant encounter, each interaction contributes to your growth.
Good luck!! And I hope my advice is helpful to you
 
Don't overthink it. Forget it's a date. Pretend you're going to meet a friend you haven't seen in a while. Don't do anything different or special. She is a potential friend. Be friendly and be yourself.
 
Do you want some "dating advice" since you're out of practice, or is this just about whether or not to convey that you're ASD, and if yes, how?
 
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Don't mention your diagnosis until the 3rd date or later, and go by context. Just try to have fun, especially at the beginning, and try to give and accept compliments. Stay as positive as possible, but be realistic if it comes up in context too.
 
Relax. Many of us had to go through less than good dates or had relationship problems before finding the one. But it was completely worth it. Use an open posture. Look her in the eyes so you can see her responses. Listen attentively if you can, you can use what she says for a little back and forth, and ask her about herself, like interests. Don't data dump on her. Otherwise, relax, be yourself (everybody else is taken) and just enjoy the time together.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Relax. Many of us had to go through less than good dates or had relationship problems before finding the one. But it was completely worth it. Use an open posture. Look her in the eyes so you can see her responses. Listen attentively if you can, you can use what she says for a little back and forth, and ask her about herself, like interests. Don't data dump on her. Otherwise, relax, be yourself (everybody else is taken) and just enjoy the time together.
Click to expand...
Okay. Thank You.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
Dating advice would be kindly appreciated.
Click to expand...
Here are some practical things to consider.
Note that I'm not a believer in "Just be yourself" and similar input. I like the positivity, but I'm a believer in doing some planning and preparation for things that matter.
I'm making an assumption here too, which is that you have the usual "ASD-normal" modest deficit in social skills like conversation. If I've "over-explained" anything, just ignore it. I'll never know (and wouldn't mind) if you decide to do exactly the opposite of my suggestions :)

So:

A woman considering a relationship looks for different things than a man does (not a popular opinion in the 2020's, but there's a price for ignoring the facts).
For example looks are relevant, but grooming demonstrates something else - consideration for the other person. Similarly the traditional small gifts (no longer common as far as I know) demonstrate willingness to share resources (this has to be done indirectly now, but the principle should be kept in mind).

Appearance matters. First impressions matter.
That doesn't mean buying all new clothes, but:
* Choose a style from what's in your closet, and present yourself in a way that demonstrates you've put some effort into it.
* Random, scruffy, over-long hair (unless fully integrated into your style) has a negative effect on first impressions. If in doubt get it cut today. Remember - it's the signal that matters, not the effect.
* Nice looking shoes (type doesn't matter, clean or polished does). Men don't care, but ... watch your date's eyes in the first minute or two - 80% chance she'll look at your feet :)

Conversation matters.
* Don't expect the other person to be good at making conversation. A lot of people expect the other party (you) to do all the work, but will blame the other (you again) if there's a gap in continuity. Prepare (but not too much - most of it has to be done on the fly, so don't write speeches :).
* Figure out some things to say right at the start, the first time you see each other. Be positive, but don't overdo it.
* Prepare some topics from your existing interests that conform to "dinner party rules". Think about how to open each topic, assuming (1) you start from nothing (a gap in conversation) and (2), you change the topic to yours.
* Listen, and leave gaps for responses/reactions
* Don't just respond yes/no to questions that invite a response. The sporting metaphor is Tennis, not Golf.
* A lot of people ask questions that they want you to ask them after you've answered. Watch for them - it's easy to ask the same question back when closing your response.
* React to open questions with a sufficient response. Assume even an open question doesn't invite more than 2-5 sentences. If someone wants your life story they'll let you know via "continuation signals" or new questions.

General
Depending on what you intend to do, there are other considerations, but if you're interested in more, that can be covered in another post.

This is very brief OFC - there are books about this kind of thing, but I'm not planning on writing one here :)
But generally if you don't make a bad impression in the first 5 minutes, and the conversation doesn't freeze, you can expect that at worst both of you will have a reasonable time, and that you'll figure out if you get along or not.

BTW - what kind of activity do you have planned?
 
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After the date, maybe the next day, and especially if you had a nice time, call her to thank her for the date. Follow up is important.
 
Hypnalis said:
Here are some practical things to consider.
Note that I'm not a believer in "Just be yourself" and similar input. I like the positivity, but I'm a believer in doing some planning and preparation for things that matter.
I'm making an assumption here too, which is that you have the usual "ASD-normal" modest deficit in social skills like conversation. If I've "over-explained" anything, just ignore it. I'll never know (and wouldn't mind) if you decide to do exactly the opposite of my suggestions :)

So:

A woman considering a relationship looks for different things than a man does (not a popular opinion in the 2020's, but there's a price for ignoring the facts).
For example looks are relevant, but grooming demonstrates something else - consideration for the other person. Similarly the traditional small gifts (no longer common as far as I know) demonstrate willingness to share resources (this has to be done indirectly now, but the principle should be kept in mind).

Appearance matters. First impressions matter.
That doesn't mean buying all new clothes, but:
* Choose a style from what's in your closet, and present yourself in a way that demonstrates you've put some effort into it.
* Random, scruffy, over-long hair (unless fully integrated into your style) has a negative effect on first impressions. If in doubt get it cut today. Remember - it's the signal that matters, not the effect.
* Nice looking shoes (type doesn't matter, clean or polished does). Men don't care, but ... watch your date's eyes in the first minute or two - 80% chance she'll look at your feet :)

Conversation matters.
* Don't expect the other person to be good at making conversation. A lot of people expect the other party (you) to do all the work, but will blame the other (you again) if there's a gap in continuity. Prepare (but not too much - most of it has to be done on the fly, so don't write speeches :).
* Figure out some things to say right at the start, the first time you see each other. Be positive, but don't overdo it.
* Prepare some topics from your existing interests that conform to "dinner party rules". Think about how to open each topic, assuming (1) you start from nothing (a gap in conversation) and (2), you change the topic to yours.
* Listen, and leave gaps for responses/reactions
* Don't just respond yes/no to questions that invite a response. The sporting metaphor is Tennis, not Golf.
* A lot of people ask questions that they want you to ask them after you've answered. Watch for them - it's easy to ask the same question back when closing your response.
* React to open questions with a sufficient response. Assume even an open question doesn't invite more than 2-5 sentences. If someone wants your life story they'll let you know via "continuation signals" or new questions.

General
Depending on what you intend to do, there are other considerations, but if you're interested in more, that can be covered in another post.

This is very brief OFC - there are books about this kind of thing, but I'm not planning on writing one here :)
But generally if you don't make a bad impression in the first 5 minutes, and the conversation doesn't freeze, you can expect that at worst both of you will have a reasonable time, and that you'll figure out if you get along or not.

BTW - what kind of activity do you have planned?
Click to expand...
Thank You. I am bald, and I shave often and make sure to shower each day unless I know I’m not going anywhere.

We’re going to a Mexican restaurant. If that goes well, I might give her an option if she wants to see a movie, go bowling or go back to my place.
 
Sounds like a good plan.

If it's a movie, the best this weekend seems to be Dune 2 (reviewers mostly love it, and the only minor objections I've seen are about minor tuning for the "modern audience". But people who don't like Sci-Fi may not like it anyway.
A review that might work for you:

Otherwise I suggest you choose carefully, ideally together with your date.

Some random stuff:

* The last-minute cancellations were possibly because the person was talking to multiple different people at the same time, and you didn't make the cut on the day. You probably dodged bullets each time.

* Use of old photos and filters online can make someone almost unrecognizable IRL:
* Be on the phone for the last bit (so you exchange a wave at 10 meters or so).
* I suggest you're happy with the RL person even if e.g. their appearance isn't a perfect match - you can enjoy a meal and a movie with anyone who has a pleasant personality


* "Foodie Calls" are definitely a thing, though I've never seen any data on frequency.
Indicators: "date" makes no effort to engage in a conversation, nor "tests" you to see if you're partner material. Uses phone continually. Tries to spend a lot of your money without checking with you first. Indicates they have plans after eating.
If it happens, you have a moral right to ditch your date without comment. BB, pay your part of the bill and tip well on the way in, then ghost afterwards.
Unobtrusive early test: suggest a follow-on activity quite early (some time after ordering, but before first course arrives).

* Due to the risk of "foodie calls" and other forms of unreasonable behavior, I suggest you actively control what you spend. Decide ahead of time. Assuming you intend to pay (not a requirement, but not a crime either :) decide what you want to pay, keep track, and be prepared to say no. Don't get tricked into buying Champagne on a Chardonnay budget :)
 
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